Chapter 23: Power, Pain, and Nothing in Between

I knew what Lord Voldemort called his elite. He called them Death Eaters. Not many people knew this; not yet. Voldemort was still a small threat, compared to what the wizarding world had suffered. But I knew he wasn't. I recognized in him the same determination—the same hatred, I'd seen in Grindelwald. Voldemort would, like his predecessor, tear apart this world. He would kill muggles, and mudbloods. To achieve his goal, he would probably need the help of some of our more neglected creatures. Giants. Maybe even Dementors.

The question was, did I want to join him? Did I want to help him destroy this world? Was this world worth destroying?

He would be gaining power. And, despite having great amounts of it at my disposal, I yearned for more. I refused to spend my life wasting away like my father had.

He could have done a great many things, had he chosen to. But he hadn't. He'd spent his money and wealth on futile causes. Oh, don't worry, he was a Malfoy after all; those causes were definitely not for the betterment of Wizarding society. Quite the opposite, in fact. My point was that the causes he so fervently believed in were useless. Who cared if house elves deserved to be incinerated in the manor's furnace for punishment? Believe it or not, he spent nearly a year and a half of his time, not to mention hundreds of thousands of galleons, just to get this bill approved by the Minister of Magic.

Garednon had been directing particularly strange, pointed looks at me during Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons.

I looked straight back at him, unblinking. I wasn't fazed by his Lord's proposal. A little uncertain, yes, but not intimidated.

Malfoys were never easy to intimidate.

Lily, on the other hand, was busy with her OWLS, as I was, supposedly, busy with my NEWTS. Of course, I wasn't. We spent time together as often as possible, but it wasn't as. . . pleasant as before. She was, by all means, the same. It was I who had changed. Guilt would, continuously and persistently, haunt me. Why hadn't I told her yet?

I was seriously considering Lord Voldemort's offer, and I could no longer deny this fact; even to myself. Was I purposely leaving her out of such a large part in my life?

It came to me, whilst I was thinking (wasn't I always doing this?) that what she didn't know would hurt her. It would hurt us. And I wanted to hurt her, and this relationship, least of all.  

I had to be honest with her.

I would have to tell her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

We were back on the Astronomy tower, where we had first kissed.

She must have been taking perception lessons from Severus, because she knew something was wrong; she knew something was different.

"Lily--" I said, the exact time she said,

"Lucius--" We both paused and gave identically nervous laughs (nervous? We had never been nervous around each other; not since we'd decided the kiss wasn't a 'casual' one). I, ever the gentleman, motioned for her to speak first. "Are—are you all right? You've been acting rather odd lately." She spoke, a little hesitantly.

"I'm all right--" I said, my lying instincts taking over for a moment. I took a deep breath. I had to tell the truth. She always did; why couldn't I? "No, I'm not all right. Lily. . . have you ever heard of Lord Voldemort before?"

"I've read bits and pieces about him in the Daily Prophet, but that's pretty much all I know. Why? What about him?" My heart was beating faster and faster. Was telling the truth this difficult?

"He's—" trying to recruit me for his Death Eater Army. "He's—" TRYING TO RECRUIT ME! Why couldn't I say it? "He's--" TRYING TO-- "He's a danger to mudbl—muggle-borns like you, Lily. You should be careful." Why hadn't I told her? If Voldemort was a danger to mudbloods, so was I. Only she didn't know. Was it possible that I would be the one to kill her? It was; I knew it was. Highly possible. But I would do everything in my power to help her. This led to a completely new train of thought.

Power.

Such a strong, five letter word, don't you think?

If I had enough of this, I could protect her.

Lily.

This word, this name, was even more important.

And I needed power to protect Lily. It would be useless, to stand there, as Voldemort cackled and performed the killing curse on her. What was I going to do? Jump in, to let him kill me, and after that, kill her? Avada Kedavra curses could not be deflected.

No; it would be better to join Voldemort's forces, and tell him not to hurt Lily. The higher I grew in his ranks, the more influence I would have over him. Joining him was for Lily's good, just as much as mine.

But Lily would hate me. Joining him would mean joining in the ritual muggle-mudblood killing sessions he was sure to have.

But then, she would be alive.

Again, I imagined the world without her.

I couldn't. I didn't want to.

All right Voldemort, I'd made my decision.

I would be a Death Eater.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Author's Notes:

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! LUCIUS!!!!!!!!

*sob* How COULD YOU?!

*sob* *sniffle* What's done is done. But Lucius. . . *sob* *sob* *tries to write a coherent sentence without crying*

Well, you see, Lucius *sniff* wants to protect Lily. He's convinced himself that being a *shaky breath* Death Eater is for her protection. He doesn't even realize the danger he's put her in. What if Voldemort didn't want to have mudbloods associating with his Death Eaters? That's a problem he only realizes later. *sigh* And now, even though he's placed Lily above power, he still wants it. He's Lucius, what would you expect? So, in other words, Lucius wanted  to be a death eater, until he found out that meant hurting Lily. But then he realized that, to protect her, he would have to hurt her.

Read the chapter title, if you get confused. I know you might, I got confused myself (when Lucius was dictating it to me, hehehe) Or maybe I was just too *ahem* distracted by his wonderful evil-ness. . .

Chapter 24 is still in the making, and, due to my Chemistry Long Exam next Tuesday, it'll probably be a while before I upload it. Sorry! :D Maybe I should get Lucius to write it for me. . . hmm. . .

Chelli-- *smiles* sorry, but I had to leave the 'thing' to your imagination :D But, knowing hyperactive 18 year old boys, it must have had something to do with a lot of heavy snogging. Humph. Lucius wouldn't tell me. And, according to him, it took him a week to get out of Azkaban because his master told him to wait, and suffer the price of failure. Yes, according to him. *cough* *laugh* *cough*

Nan/Dwen—enjoy your vacation! :D I got this chapter uploaded early for ya! :D Consider it a going away present. I hope it's uploaded early enough, anyway :D And, if not. . . well, consider it a welcome back present :D

Erenriel—exactly the point :D The Philippines is too warm; it's not only HOT, but HUMID as well; a terrifying combination :D Sadly, Lucius has already broken out of Azkaban. . . or maybe you were the one that helped him! See, he thought it was his 'Lord Voldemort' but I think otherwise :D I shall have to tell him that his life story has touched more people than he thought :D

Sarah—The story only gets darker and darker. . . and Lucius gets closer and closer to the one we read about in the books. *sigh* but we can't help but love him . . . *sigh*