I woke up that morning, feeling oddly calm and indifferent. My arm tingled painfully—but then, I was no stranger to pain. I'd caused a great deal of it only the night before. The mark my left forearm bore throbbed, the red of it reminding me of the blood I'd spilled.
I was a murderer.
I'd killed an innocent, for no reason at all.
And the worst thing was, I felt no remorse anymore, whatsoever.
The pages of my mind flipped back to the night before—after my first kill.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
I'd entered the room Severus and I shared, to see another version of myself, standing in front of the mirror. My sudden entrance had startled him—he must have been admiring himself (or, me—he was, after all, in a replica of my body), and cursing the gods about his lack of fortune at not having been born a Malfoy. Or a Lucius. But I digress.
"You're back," he'd said, pointlessly.
"Obviously. What happened tonight? With Lily?" Lying down on the bed, I'd stared at the ceiling. Regardless of the lack of expression on my face, I found it a bit unnerving to be staring at another me.
"She wasn't feeling well, actually. Hasn't been feeling well for the past few days. I'm surprised you didn't know." He looked at me, with an eyebrow raised, just the way I would look at him. He'd managed to copy my air of sarcasm perfectly. So the Potions-slash-Dark-Arts prodigy wasn't bad at acting. Not surprising, for somebody who lived to torment himself with the art of precision.
"I'm not omniscient. Yet." There was no way in heaven or hell I would take the bait he was setting up for me. He expected me to beg the information from him, while he gave it to me in bits in pieces? I was a Malfoy, and I didn't beg. In Slytherin Standards, this was, actually, a bit of a turning point in the conversation. Climactic. You see, if I had asked him again, it would show that I needed the information more desperately than he'd thought. And that would give him the upper hand.
Friends though we were, the Slytherin Standard pulsed through our veins stronger than anything else.
The room had been silent, then, while he weighed his options. Eventually, he'd realized it was futile to even attempt gaining power over me, and he'd started to talk. Rather unwillingly, I must admit, but what was the difference?
"I found her in the hospital wing." My eyes had drifted shut, as I tried to form his words into clear pictures inside my blood-tainted mind. Anything Lily had always appeared clean and pure, and, even then, even after the murder, I had not been disappointed. "She'd been there for around a day and a half—not because she was really sick, but because Madame Pomfrey wanted her to rest. Her roommates had thought she'd gone daft—she kept talking in her sleep, and she'd only get a few hours of it at night. She wouldn't take any Dreamless Sleep Potion, even when Madame Pomfrey insisted. She said she needed her dreams, that they'd tell her things. They must have been ready to send her to St. Mungo's by then.
"I—in my guise, went to visit her. She was happy to see me—she was happy to see you. I asked her to tell me what had happened, but she wouldn't say. All she could say was 'You're here, you didn't do it, you didn't', and she'd fallen asleep on my lap before I could say anything else."
"You're sure she suspected nothing?"
"I doubt she was conscious enough to suspect anything, Lucius. She hadn't slept for days—Pomfrey said she'd been living Hydrating and Food Spells—she wouldn't eat or drink."
Silence.
"When does the potion wear off?" I meant the Polyjuice.
Severus shrugged. "A few minutes, I guess. Soon enough."
I nodded, satisfied. At least I wouldn't have to stand seeing another, less-Lucius Lucius. I was, suddenly, seized by an impulse to see myself before—before I'd killed. Before I'd thrown away the last shred of innocence I had.
"Show me your arm. Your—left arm." Raising his (or, should I say, my) eyebrow, he held 'my' arm in front of me. Almost feverishly, I raised the sleeve of his robe higher, to see nothing by the pale white expanse of untouched flesh. My flesh.
"Why are you--" He was confused. He knew nothing.
For once in my life, I envied Severus. I lifted up the sleeve of my own robe, to show him the red that marked the flesh there—the red that had, minutes ago, seemed to be a mark of pride, and the red that was now the imperfection that seemed to corrupt it. I was dirty. . . this was a mark that would not wash off. . . I was marked, an object--
"I—I'm going now. To my room," I said, unnecessarily, backing out in a manner foreign to myself. I could not, for the life of me, stop shaking. All the energy I'd possessed seemed to have drained out of my body at that instant.
It was a relief to be back in my quarters, alone.
Except that. . . I didn't want to be alone now. I had, a few moments ago. But now. . . Now, I wanted to be with Lily. Lily, who was pure and innocent, untouched by the evil that was me.
My heart thrummed loudly in my chest—I could hear it in my ears. In harmony with the question: Would I go to see her? Would I would I would I. . .
I wouldn't.
Every nerve in my body shouted for her touch. I craved her, the way muggles craved their drugs.
But I couldn't have her.
How could I have been so. . .so. . . stupid? I'd thought killing someone—joining Voldemort would protect her.
I'd been so wrong. I'd made her even more vulnerable.
Garednon had tried to kidnap her—he'd tried to use her as a testament of my faith. And thank Merlin, thank the gods, thank anything-- he'd gotten the wrong person.
But it would only be a matter of time before he saw her in his class again. Only a matter of time before he realized his error. He was stupid, but he wasn't stupid enough.
I had to protect her.
Everything seemed to boil down to that fact.
I would burn in that rotting pit of hell I loved so much. And I would burn smiling, just to see her safe and happy.
Now, pay attention to this moment.
You know why?
Because this was the moment, the moment, the moment, that I realized the only way Lily would ever be safe—the only way—was without me.
If I broke it off with her permanently, My Lord would find no reason to harm her.
She would be safe. Not only from them, but also from me.
I'd drifted off to a troubled sleep, my body aching for the feel of her.
A whisper in my mind—the last echo of my conscience: Like all pains, this too will fade.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Of course, I can say this from my vantage point twenty years into the future: it didn't.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Author's Notes:
Do you all notice this is the first time Lucius has ever called himself stupid? And meant it? Poor Lucius. *sigh* He seemed very sad about all this when he asked me to type the chapter. Ah, well.
Briana Marie asked me why Garednon (or, Voldie, the Supreme Evil himself) was able to mistake Madeleine for Lily, etc. If you have the same question, and I never really did clear it up in the last chapter, just read the reply I gave her below. :D
BTW, I emphasize the line in the first bit of the fic (the morning after the kill) 'I had no remorse anymore, whatsoever.' Anymore, meaning he'd harbored some guilt and regret over what he'd done (which was pretty obvious the night of the kill) but it had disappeared by the time he woke up. Read the reply I gave kingsdork for more info :p
AND one more thing: I'm not sure if the Dark Mark is red when it's inactive. . . is it? I was too tired to look in the book (post finals doldrums, you see). I know it burns black when voldie calls, but what happens to it when he isn't calling, but he's still there? If anyone can tell me, I'd be very happy for the information! :D
THANKS:
Addy—thanks for reviewing! I think I can say with all honestly this is the last chapter of Lucius with a semblance of a soul. Because afterwards—he just gave it away to save Lily. Sad, but true. . . *sniffles into a piece of tissue*
Briana Marie—thanks for that review! I'm glad you asked, so I can explain. Madeleine looks like Lily, lives close enough to her, etc. Garednon obviously does not get his work done properly. As for him not seeing Lily in class—Lily was fortunate enough not to have had DADA classes the first few days of the new year—and when she should have, she was stuck in the hospital wing. :D A bit lame, I guess, but the lamest things save our lives! :p She was lucky. Of course the problem comes next: What will happen when Garednon sees Lily in class? *scary music* Ask Lucius. Or, you could wait—it's coming up very soon. And it's a sign of THE END. . .
Kingsdork—thanks for reviewing! Now that I think about it, Lucius seems to be guilty about the murder itself, not about the murder-ee (Madeleine, that is). But all the guilt went away the next day. I guess Lucius just made a resolution to forget it, and he did. If only my resolutions were that strong! :p
Virgin Mari—I'm glad you like the fic! And even gladder you like Lucius/Lily. Forbidden couples are great :p Thanks for reviewing!
