Hi and welcome to the third chapter of Dear Diary, "Please Stop Crying",
this fic is..really something. It is my only fic that has three chapters,
that however is going to change, I have, have, have to work on my other
stories plus my new stories...le sigh, it may be asking a lot but when my
beloved readers read this story I'd like them to pay special attention.
This is the first fic I've really worked my butt off on, I printed it out
and did my grammatical stuff and showed it to my friends and ugh...all the
stuff I never do. It was all way too much effort, but anyway keep an eye
out for the nitty gritty of the fic and when you review (which you will,
please, please, please) tell me honestly what you think...you may even
flame me, I'm a pyro and I don't mind them, but I've only ever gotten one
so...that must mean I'm pretty good right? Any way review, be honest, and
if you'll excuse me...I'm going to take a nap.
To Kawaii-Kitusne21- Thank you for reviewing, and especially thank you for all the compliments. I had a silly smile on my face for several minutes and you honestly made my day. Thank you again, I love you and...here's the third chapter.
To Hotaru-Yuugijou- Update I shall until...um, this fic ends, and who was it? Why my own personal invented character Gia. She is...(in my little world)...Yami's lover, Yugi's mother, a vampyere, and fifteen years old physically. I made her up, legally she's mine and if anyone wants to borrow her they'll have to ask me and give me credit. (Yeah, like anyone will want to rent my character) Once again it's Gia and she has appeared in...six out of my eleven fics, yes she is not so volatile in my other fics. Instead she's more calm and speculative, and quite...unlike in this fic. The rest of my fics all have to do with the other yummy YGO characters.
Well enough, read on and review.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do when the one you love won't stop crying?
...
When at those moments you truly thought they were getting better your hopes falter, crack into dust, and get blown away by the cruel winds of honesty and you see...after having to push away your pride and your dreams, you realize that you don't have any control in this situation.
All the power you enjoyed and exercised in Egypt, all the people you kept pathetically caged inside your iron fist, all of that is gone now.
And in it's place is humanity, humility, weakness, fear, and hope.
And all those emotions only arose after you met your cross to bear.
The one that hurts you, and hates you, and forgets that you exist.
The one that frustrates you, and seeks your destruction, and smirks in the face of your sorrow is the one you protect, and care for, and love.
And you, a mortal shadow and an immortal dream, you are forced deeper and deeper into hell because all you can do for one you care most about is sit back and endure the undistorted reality.
The truth wrapped inside gossamer lies...
And the truth is absolutely heartbreaking.
For where your lover is a Queen in your dreams, a goddess to be revered, worshipped, and loved...in real life she is nothing more than a broken vampyere bound to a pain that doesn't cease and a reality that is partly delusional.
In real life she is nothing more than a dark child lost in unforgiving shadows...in real life...she is just like you at times.
Unreasonable, unbalanced, unwell, impossible.
But also...sweet, beautiful, precious, and...so easily shattered.
You know it, you once added to the pain she harbored in her heart, added another weight to her shoulders and another apparition to her mind, and it didn't bother you because you didn't care.
...Why should you have?
She was only your lover, the mother to your son and beloved aibou, and the one you pledged undying loyalty to.
The one you promised the world and all of it's epiphanies to.
Why should she have mattered when everything had changed beyond belief and things of the past could and would be left in the past, why should she have mattered when you and your son craved acceptance from those lesser than you.
Why should she have mattered when she didn't have to?
...
She shouldn't have.
She didn't.
...
And so you both did the deed.
You forgot about shame and kindness and made sure she stayed far away from your clique.
Far far away of her own choosing and free will.
And then life...life was perfect for the both of you.
...
After all you weren't there to watch as her soul was broken into unrepairable pieces, and as she tried to mend herself, tried to gain some semblance of a real life...she went mad.
Crazy, insane, psychotic.
And while she stayed locked away in her house toying with sharp objects and speaking to invisible visitors, she hated herself for losing to a game she didn't want to play, she hated herself for what she had unwillingly become to others, and most of all she hated you and him for what you had both done equally to her.
You and him whom she had trusted and loved.
...
And because of all those awful feelings boiling inside of her she tried to kill herself with every chance she was given.
Again, and again, and again.
Till a dozen knives, red and rusted, littered the sink and every room contained traces of violence, and her body...
...She tried so very hard, but...it didn't work cause as it haunts her in every unsavory moment...a vampyere as old as her will never die.
The life she had fought so very hard for was finally hers after billions of years, and like so many times before with one careless human act she was forced to realize how very little so many years had amounted to.
How very little she had despite her constant trying, and it was that truth that pained her eternally.
And that's how it was for her, living when she didn't understand life and killing because she did understand death.
And you didn't know, and you didn't care, and it went on and on around you, but you didn't notice because the person it involved didn't mean a damn thing to you.
At that time she was less than dirt to you and she knew it.
She knew...
...
But now it's all changed isn't it?
Because now you can't get enough of this person.
You love her.
And she...she is wailing into a white pillow, voicing everything that ever hurt her while you sit there, close to her, wanting to hold her, but knowing that she will easily refuse you, and as you rest on her couch unable to do what you wish to, you realize how very useless you can be at times.
How absolutely worthless.
Because for all the pain you inflicted on her, all that you willingly forced upon her small form, now that you wish her to be well again you know that she...she will not.
She's going to be this way for a very long time, perhaps even forever, and nothing you say or do will tear her away from the sanctuary she's created in her mind.
Though crumbling and suffocating she holds tight to her palace refusing help from anyone, and it was when you lost all your patience and did what you know to be wrong that a little more was revealed.
You made a mistake that didn't kill you, though you and I know how easily it could have.
...
You entered her thoughts without her permission.
...
That day...she had cut herself again, and as you stared at her calm and unrepentant, watched as her blood flowed so smoothly down her skin you grew so very angry.
So dangerously furious that you grit your teeth till they hurt, and dug your nails into your skin till there was a tattooed remembrance, and tried to hold back your fury as your ruby eyes gleamed with flashing violence.
And she saw.
In one moment she absorbed all that lay conflicting beneath the surface of our skin and she was afraid.
She backed away from you, and dropped her knife, and she was afraid of you.
And as you watched her, serenity settled down deep into your soul and you were no longer angry.
No. Instead you were at peace, she was like no one else you knew and therefore...she could not be treated like everyone else.
Punished like everyone else.
And in one moment you made your decision as you gazed on at your ward, the sennen eye shone brilliantly on your forehead and before she had a chance to even imagine...you were inside of her.
You forcefully gained entrance into her world and were surprised by what you saw once there.
A large empty space with nothing but barren land for miles and miles as far as the eye could see, and as you stood there with the wind whipping your hair and dust blowing onto you, you felt a drop of nervousness trickle down your spine.
You walked for minutes, for hours, you walked till you were tired and dirty and sweating, and in the one second you let down your guard to wipe the liquid from your brow, the land around you changed.
Morphed, and shifted, and changed in spite of you and now everywhere was small and suffocating.
Cramped pockets of crazed giddiness lay in beautiful traps meant to wound the unwary and cruel tricks hid in every nook, corner, and cranny they could find waiting for those who would fall.
...And so many times you fell.
Over and over again till your body was bruised and pained, over and over again till you thought you might give up or fail, but still you continued, still you fought and remained stubborn and it was then...then that you found her.
Sitting quietly on an emerald grass floor, legs swinging gently in the cool water of a clear pond, still wearing nothing but an overly large oxford shirt as she waited...perhaps for you?
And she was so very beautiful right at that moment, with long blond hair resting on rumpled white cloth whisping with the gentle breeze. Petite legs peeking out from under the shirt to receive a mere glimpse of the sun only to disappear into the chilled embrace of the pond.
She was so very beautiful...until she looked at you.
And then...
...
She lifted her head suddenly aware of the other presence that stood there waiting for her and then she turned in your direction.
And your eyes widened as you stared.
Her eyes were an indescribable shade of blue, not very dark, not very light, just...perfect and even from this distance you could see the tiny pale freckles that were sprinkled across her nose and her lips...soft, pink, pouting...tempting.
Her hands rested on either side of her and the sleeves were slightly rolled up so that slim arms could be given a breath of the fresh air, her shirt was slightly unbuttoned and you could just barely see the voluptuous curve of femininity.
Gia.
And she smiled, her eyes began to sparkle and her lips pulled back to show off straight white teeth and two pointed canines, she placed her hands in her lap so that the scratches that ran from the bottom of her palm to the skin across her elbow were horribly visible, and she smiled.
...
There she sat and there you stood staring at each other and saying nothing.
...But much was said...and you understood.
The red scratches on her wrist had to be accepted or ignored, or else kisses would not be given, and really they were not so frightening, they were almost like the tattoos of days long past and more than anything you do need her kisses.
Faults both hers and your own, will be forgiven so that harmony can reign and caresses can be enjoyed and blatant infatuation can be given time to blossom...and neither of you can lie and say are not interested in becoming lost in the other.
And in the case of insanity...well...even you go a little crazy sometimes, even you need to be able to break wide apart in someone's arms and besides...
Crazy or sane.
Lethal or lovely.
Still she is yours.
And you hers.
To keep and protect and love and cherish and bear even though each day you grow more and more tired, to adore from this day forward in sickness and in health, for as long as the sun shall rise and set and the moon shall glow heavenly in the black night sky...
Amen.
And she smiled with that happy thought and you smiled because you adore everything about her...especially her smile.
And then she forcefully removed you from herself, and when you came back and recovered from the exertion you had a splitting headache and your nose was bleeding but then...there were silken fingertips wiping your blood away, and then there were hypnotizing eyes staring almost wondrously at the red on her own fingers, and then there were pouting lips kissing, and licking, and pleasuring away the hurt.
And at that moment, and the moment after that, and the moments after that led to the both of you sharing a bed together you and her were so in love and so completely bonded that the world realized it and allowed peace for the both of you.
Quiet for ever and ever as you both lounged and stared.
And her slit wrists, and her disheveled appearance, and her quivering psyche, all of it together is what makes her who she is, and all of it together is what keeps you bound to her in love, because you love who she is.
So every scratch and bruise and unmentionable is exquisite and perfect.
All of her is just perfect.
Always.
But at times like now...
Now...she's just too much.
Too much for even a pharaoh or game king, and you feel as though you're about to lose all traces of your sanity because when she breaths...or rather, when she tries to...
She makes such a helpless gasping noise, that every time you hear it, you wince, shut your eyes, and hold your breath as you listen to her lungs pitifully beg for one clear breath of air, but she won't lift her head from that simple piece of cotton vanity, and you pray...
To God.
To Ra.
To anyone willing to pry inside your mind, discover the things that no one knows, and grant you your one wish.
Two choices but only one wish.
Freedom or salvation.
Freedom to leave her, to move on, become strong again, become what you once were but...that's not what you really want, is it?
It seems nice, like an untouchable dream but what you need is her.
You dove back into insanity and darkness for her, back into your past and pain and everything else that you left behind you. You didn't want to go back there...but she was there and you want her, and for now, for these few eternal minutes, she's yours...and she wants you too.
And it was worth it...it is worth it, because you don't want to lose her now.
Now or ever.
So you don't mind being tainted again, though it hurts every bit of your essence you don't mind the loneliness that comes when she wants nothing to do with you, you almost don't mind when she's at her very worse because at times she smiles and she's back again. And you can ignore the cuts, and bruises on her wrist, and forever flickering confidence in her eyes, and all of the crying, and yelling, and hurt because she's healthy and smart and precious and...
You love her.
And maybe with the grace of a higher power she could be saved, the shackles that tie her down and darken overly sensitive flesh could be removed and you could save her...risk throwing her into the light even if it means staying alone in the dark.
Forsake yourself for herself.
...Maybe you could stand being alone if only she was well again.
Maybe.
But you don't want to be alone, do you?
By yourself with...no one to wake up to in the mornings, no one to constantly watch over, no one to protect from themselves.
It seems so scary now.
It never used to bother you before...but that was before you met your Gia.
Before when you liked your independence, your solitude, the freedom that came with standing on one's own two feet without any aid...but after meeting your lover you gained one of her many ticks.
Fear of separation...of loneliness...of emptiness.
You gained one of her sicknesses and it didn't bother you.
...It sounds foolish but...you wish to share everything with her...even her diseases, all of it, so that you two will stay together.
And if you get a little sick in the process, well it's okay, it's not like you won't live, it's not like you can die.
...
...You can just be miserable for all eternity.
...
If you love someone...
let them go...
if they come back...
they're yours.
But...
And you glance down at her, her small body seemed to be swimming in the large white shirt she always wore, her hair was limp, knotted, and wet in some places, and she was shaking.
...You do love her, you do, no one can lie and say you don't.
But you don't know if she loves you, you don't know if she understands why you stay here with her, you don't honestly know if...she's capable of love anymore...
Capable of treating anyone the way she should...past behavior suggests not...
You feel like a traitor every time you think it but still...you can't stop because it'd kill you...and you can't let go because you'd die...and you can't give up because death would be better than not having her around.
And if you let her go...if...if you...no, you refuse to live like this again.
You don't want to feel like this again when you don't have to.
And if she doesn't come back...
...you don't want to think about it.
...
You should not be attracted to her, you should not want to help her, you should not.
That's what all your friends say, never your aibou, but his and your friends...
...
...You once listened to them, listened to everything they had to say and followed their advice.
Listened and followed.
Isn't that how you got into all this trouble?
Not doing what your heart told you to...instead you went out of your way to hurt her and your refused to feel guilt for what you had done.
...
A year.
That was how long you went without guilt and without seeing her.
A year without worries or pain.
But then...
One day you woke up and came to a sudden realization.
You saw something wrong.
Someone that was disturbed and frightening and...
Still you didn't realize...
Not even the fact that it was her, the person you had once loved...no you merely saw another human being teetering on a very dangerous edge that may have brought danger and suffering to your beloved aibou and his friends.
And so you vowed to stop it before it ever hurt anyone.
...Hah.
Oh it hurt someone all right, just not the person you expected.
Not the person you had originally hoped to hurt.
Rather...it hurt you.
...
Scared you and frightened you...and...
And you suffered, and you cried, and you truly couldn't bear it, and when you were so close to losing it all...she placed her hand upon your own gently patting it, and sat down next to you warming your cool skin, and when you looked up with tears shimmering in your eyes and gazed into her own expressionless orbs, the world stilled, and time slowed, and you fell then.
Hook, line, and sinker.
And it didn't hurt.
...it may even have felt a little good, but you can't quite remember...but above all else.
It didn't hurt.
...
...
...hurt. She's so used to it, so used to not trusting anyone and not having anyone to turn to...so when it happened she simply retreated into the shelter she's created for herself but you...you latched onto her and refused to let go of her body and...she let you stay in her arms that night.
And by the next morning you were absolutely infatuated.
As she dozed in her king-sized bed, content and asleep, you wondered how you could have ever missed it when she was so close by. And soft tan fingertips graced over porcelain skin while you stared and loved and thought of the uncertain future that you hoped to have with her. And nothing hurt more than knowing she didn't feel the same way, that she loved no one least of all you.
And nothing was more curious to you than the way she viewed her future...in six hour spans.
...She was, is an enigma to you, one that you will not deny.
...
...Perhaps if you had left that morning you might have had a chance to forget, to move on...but you didn't.
You couldn't because she still wasn't fixed and you wouldn't leave till she was.
...
...If only you had know the sentence you were dooming yourself to.
But would it have mattered?
...
...You don't know...
And the question doesn't plague you as much as it would others...because it's in the past, dead and buried but not forgotten.
And...
You lean down and whisper her name softly into her ear, hoping that it'll encourage her to stop, to listen, but it doesn't and she stiffens under you.
Stiffens and becomes so still that you can hear her unsteady heartbeat and feel her try to stop but...
Can she..?
You glance around the room while rubbing her back in soothing circles trying to focus on something other than the sound of her sobbing, but...
...
The dead silence of the rest of the house is so acute that the noise she makes seems deafening and the world swirls in a dizzying circle as her body is racked with one more painful sob, your body moves with hers as her back arches and falls down weakly.
Why?
Why her? Why?
Things never haunted you like this.
And you have killed millions, doomed millions more, done everything wrong a person was capable of doing and yet...
You are able to sleep at nights.
So why her?
And you remove yourself from touch, knowing that temptation is sharp and deceitful, and you've never really prayed before but as you sit there in a frighteningly shadowed and messy living room, patting a back that won't stop quaking, you soundlessly whisper words that lack the strength that you were born with and the conviction that they bred into your being, and after awhile you've been doing it for so long that the motion has become mindless.
Mindless.
But not meaningless.
Never meaningless.
Not for her.
And sounds and sights had almost been lost when you noticed that sad tremors were slowly becoming stilled and you held your breath and closed your eyes for a moment while you whispered thanks to someone for listening, for caring, and when you opened the ruby orbs to gaze down at your lover...you hoped...and hoped and hoped.
And ever so slowly she pushed herself up and sat back with her head down and you waited for some response, some acknowledgment that she knew you existed, that she...
Small pale hands pushed long platinum strands away from an expressionless face and lashes brushed fair skin as she breathed so deeply, and blinked, and then she looked at you.
Midnight blue eyes gazed into your very soul, and with almost regret she touched the hand that had come to rest on the small of her back, pulled it away and laid it on the cushion of the couch.
And in that one moment of refusal you felt a burning in your eyes and tears that would never fall from so noble a pharaoh, and a mortal wound was left bleeding as a girl who was too old to ever be innocent and a woman who had never truly lost what made a child, left you once more.
And when you were alone in that room, in a house, that to think, you might have never stepped foot in, you thought about mornings.
Thought about them as weariness settled heavily on your shoulders and exhaustion caught up with you.
Mornings, the promise of pain and pleasure that lay in the last moment of the day and the fear that came in the first moment of the next.
So many different circumstances, so many fights and wars and battles that started in the course of merely trying to make sure that she doesn't kill herself by living this way.
So many times she told you off, hit you, pushed you, and left you alone...so many times she took strange men to her bed and gave them all you had ever dreamed of.
So many times...
And so many times you were silent, begged yourself to say nothing and grit your teeth as hard as possible when you heard them...moving and moaning in the middle of the night.
And for all your silence and steadfastness where had your rewards been?
...
...In those moments when she came crying to you, silently asking for comfort, for her lover had left in the middle of the night and you both knew to where he had gone.
What had happened to that poor soul, attracted to the flashing eyes of a monster and queen.
And though you knew, though you knew and hated and knew, you held her and loved her silently in your heart.
And shushed away all tears and pain and were almost happy because she came to you and no one else.
You and...no one...else...
Lashes fluttered, lowered themselves to high cheekbones only to rise up again with a tiny burst of self control.
You're tired.
How long have you been awake? How many long and sleepless nights have you had? How many times did you stay wake just to be able to watch Gia sleep?
And finally long lashes drooped down onto honeyed skin and you almost nodded off...almost...
...Eyes fly open and you blink wildly while sitting up slowly.
What was that?
You glance around the room sleepily, ears keen, body waiting for...
...But there's nothing...whatever it was, and Ra please don't let it be Gia, whatever it was...it's gone now...
Now it's quiet...
...quiet...
...Now...you're so very tired...
And tired...and tired...
...tired...
...sleep...
...
...
...
...
Lashes flutter open as the sun dips low onto your face and a soft groan fills the air, you slept at an awkward angle last night but her coach is soft so it doesn't hurt as much as it could.
You stand up and stretch tilting your head backwards as you listen to the verifying crack and pull of bones readjusting and muscles expanding.
Ra.
It still hurts though.
Last night was...last night...where's Gia?
You lift your head and listen for the sound of...anything but...nothing.
You frown and something small inside of you curls into itself in anticipation and in fear of what you'll soon find.
"Gia?", you call just once, not bothering to look around, not bothering to really listen.
You already know where she is.
"Gia.", a whisper now, she wouldn't be able to hear you...not from where she is-if that's what you want?
...Is that what you want?
"Gia.", the basement that's where she always is-it's the darkest room in the house, the most...room in the house.
"Gia.", you hate the basement because it's so dark-why does she always..?
"Gia.", you place your hand on the smooth cool wood, waiting for...
She won't.
Pull.
The door swings open and you peer into the shadows trying to find her, but you can't see a thing. Lightly you move forward and as your foot presses down a slow creek fills the air.she knows you're here now you can feel it, feel her...but still...doesn't matter.
Does it?
...Does it?
The rest of the stairs creek just as much as the first but it doesn't matter, there's no need for silence because she's waiting for you anyway.
Waiting all alone in this dark-is she all alone?
Yes-why would she...be otherwise?
You stand in the dark, your hands on either side of the doorframe waiting as well but no she doesn't want-you should go now...
You reach forward and when your hand grazes the switch you flick.
Blinding fluorescent lights flash on and your eyes unwillingly narrow while staring at the floor.
You look up haltingly, afraid of what you'll find and...
There she is...
Gia.
Your lover.
Your love.
Sitting on top of a cupboard with her eyes hooded by long lashes and shadows, long hair platinum and shining, body relaxed as she...
She...
...Again...
...
...There's a knife.
Long and sharp and a butcher knife.
Silver, and gleaming, and ominous.
And she...humming calmly, tunelessly, while ever so slowly she runs the sharp blade along her fragile skin over and over and...
Gia.
You gasp and shudder at the sight in front of you before gritting your teeth.
And she looks up now and you can see her eyes.
Shimmering sapphires that are sparkling and wild and filled with happiness.
"Gia.", your voice is so soft, so sad, you're weakening.
Every day you spend with her you grow weaker and weaker, and guilt, love, sorrow, shame, and hope is all you are capable of anymore.
Very soon you too will be unrepairable.
...Soon...but for now...
She, Gia...you can't even sleep for a few hours without her-and you don't want her to-you hate those-but she...
Tears form in your eyes and jumbled thoughts continue in your mind as you stare at her and walk forward.
She'll never...but you...
...
Will it ever be okay?
"Gia.", your voice is barely a whisper now, and as you draw closer your eyes start to burn...you should really blink but...then you'd be crying.
And you don't cry, do you?
...There's blood on the floor, and in her lap, and...Ra.
She looks and feels sad as she watches you approach and she's sorry for hurting you, but...you have to understand.
"Yami.", her voice is gentle and she tries to look in your eyes since you're avoiding hers.
"Yami.", you look up and she can't help but notice the way your eyes resemble spilled blood and slicked rubies, you step forward because you're suddenly so cold and Gia...she's so very warm right now and you don't want to be cold.
She leans forward so that you'll know, so that you'll understand and listen and know.
She leans forward and gently she says to you, while staring into your eyes, lips not so far from your own.
"It's better now."
And you can't hold back the sob that erupts from you as you hear that, nor can you contain your revulsion as you delicately grasp one of her wrists and watch as her blood flows quicker.
"Gia...".
She pulls her hand away and leans back, and you miss her already.
She stares at you distrustingly and that something small inside you clenches and clenches again till you can hardly breath.
"Yami-".
"No.", you shake your head, you don't want to hear it, dear Ra, you don't want to hear why she's doing this.
...
...You're about to start crying...
...
Light fingertips grasp the side of your face and you find yourself staring at Gia again.
"Yami...", you bite your lip as you stare at her, you don't want to hurt but you do...but she can...
"Yami, I feel much better now.", and she smiles like games without frontiers, and worlds without end, and everything you've ever wanted dipped in sugar and honey, and lacquered with tears and blood.
And you smile, though you're weary, and miserable, and a large part of you doesn't feel like smiling, you do.
Because you adore everything about her, especially her smile.
Hands grasp your shoulder blades and she pulls in closer till you can smell the peppermint on her breath and the coppery sweet smell of her blood.
"Yami I feel so much better...I've been needing that all day...Thank you.", and with that simple announcement filled with a love you aren't sure exists, she kisses you.
Presses her lips to your own chastely and pours all her appreciation for you in that one move, and you...you recognize that this is different, she means it...she might even...
And that hope causes the tears in your eyes to fall and as the crystalline drops run down your cheeks they touch her own and dance past her skin, and you kiss her back.
Hungry and longing and lusting.
...
And she smiles into the kiss because you're soft and warm and you care...you and you and you care, and you don't know how very much she does love you for it.
She loves you.
And you love her.
But...
She's not...
...
...
What do you do when the one you love won't stop crying?
...Let them do what they've been wanting to all day.
Now...
What do you do when the one you love won't stop smiling..?
...
What then?
...
...
...
Fini. -------------------------------------------------------------------------
...Well, not bad if I do say so myself. If you liked this fic review, and if you really liked this fic then look up my other ones and review them too.
luv ya, bye bye, peace out.
Epiphany.
To Kawaii-Kitusne21- Thank you for reviewing, and especially thank you for all the compliments. I had a silly smile on my face for several minutes and you honestly made my day. Thank you again, I love you and...here's the third chapter.
To Hotaru-Yuugijou- Update I shall until...um, this fic ends, and who was it? Why my own personal invented character Gia. She is...(in my little world)...Yami's lover, Yugi's mother, a vampyere, and fifteen years old physically. I made her up, legally she's mine and if anyone wants to borrow her they'll have to ask me and give me credit. (Yeah, like anyone will want to rent my character) Once again it's Gia and she has appeared in...six out of my eleven fics, yes she is not so volatile in my other fics. Instead she's more calm and speculative, and quite...unlike in this fic. The rest of my fics all have to do with the other yummy YGO characters.
Well enough, read on and review.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do when the one you love won't stop crying?
...
When at those moments you truly thought they were getting better your hopes falter, crack into dust, and get blown away by the cruel winds of honesty and you see...after having to push away your pride and your dreams, you realize that you don't have any control in this situation.
All the power you enjoyed and exercised in Egypt, all the people you kept pathetically caged inside your iron fist, all of that is gone now.
And in it's place is humanity, humility, weakness, fear, and hope.
And all those emotions only arose after you met your cross to bear.
The one that hurts you, and hates you, and forgets that you exist.
The one that frustrates you, and seeks your destruction, and smirks in the face of your sorrow is the one you protect, and care for, and love.
And you, a mortal shadow and an immortal dream, you are forced deeper and deeper into hell because all you can do for one you care most about is sit back and endure the undistorted reality.
The truth wrapped inside gossamer lies...
And the truth is absolutely heartbreaking.
For where your lover is a Queen in your dreams, a goddess to be revered, worshipped, and loved...in real life she is nothing more than a broken vampyere bound to a pain that doesn't cease and a reality that is partly delusional.
In real life she is nothing more than a dark child lost in unforgiving shadows...in real life...she is just like you at times.
Unreasonable, unbalanced, unwell, impossible.
But also...sweet, beautiful, precious, and...so easily shattered.
You know it, you once added to the pain she harbored in her heart, added another weight to her shoulders and another apparition to her mind, and it didn't bother you because you didn't care.
...Why should you have?
She was only your lover, the mother to your son and beloved aibou, and the one you pledged undying loyalty to.
The one you promised the world and all of it's epiphanies to.
Why should she have mattered when everything had changed beyond belief and things of the past could and would be left in the past, why should she have mattered when you and your son craved acceptance from those lesser than you.
Why should she have mattered when she didn't have to?
...
She shouldn't have.
She didn't.
...
And so you both did the deed.
You forgot about shame and kindness and made sure she stayed far away from your clique.
Far far away of her own choosing and free will.
And then life...life was perfect for the both of you.
...
After all you weren't there to watch as her soul was broken into unrepairable pieces, and as she tried to mend herself, tried to gain some semblance of a real life...she went mad.
Crazy, insane, psychotic.
And while she stayed locked away in her house toying with sharp objects and speaking to invisible visitors, she hated herself for losing to a game she didn't want to play, she hated herself for what she had unwillingly become to others, and most of all she hated you and him for what you had both done equally to her.
You and him whom she had trusted and loved.
...
And because of all those awful feelings boiling inside of her she tried to kill herself with every chance she was given.
Again, and again, and again.
Till a dozen knives, red and rusted, littered the sink and every room contained traces of violence, and her body...
...She tried so very hard, but...it didn't work cause as it haunts her in every unsavory moment...a vampyere as old as her will never die.
The life she had fought so very hard for was finally hers after billions of years, and like so many times before with one careless human act she was forced to realize how very little so many years had amounted to.
How very little she had despite her constant trying, and it was that truth that pained her eternally.
And that's how it was for her, living when she didn't understand life and killing because she did understand death.
And you didn't know, and you didn't care, and it went on and on around you, but you didn't notice because the person it involved didn't mean a damn thing to you.
At that time she was less than dirt to you and she knew it.
She knew...
...
But now it's all changed isn't it?
Because now you can't get enough of this person.
You love her.
And she...she is wailing into a white pillow, voicing everything that ever hurt her while you sit there, close to her, wanting to hold her, but knowing that she will easily refuse you, and as you rest on her couch unable to do what you wish to, you realize how very useless you can be at times.
How absolutely worthless.
Because for all the pain you inflicted on her, all that you willingly forced upon her small form, now that you wish her to be well again you know that she...she will not.
She's going to be this way for a very long time, perhaps even forever, and nothing you say or do will tear her away from the sanctuary she's created in her mind.
Though crumbling and suffocating she holds tight to her palace refusing help from anyone, and it was when you lost all your patience and did what you know to be wrong that a little more was revealed.
You made a mistake that didn't kill you, though you and I know how easily it could have.
...
You entered her thoughts without her permission.
...
That day...she had cut herself again, and as you stared at her calm and unrepentant, watched as her blood flowed so smoothly down her skin you grew so very angry.
So dangerously furious that you grit your teeth till they hurt, and dug your nails into your skin till there was a tattooed remembrance, and tried to hold back your fury as your ruby eyes gleamed with flashing violence.
And she saw.
In one moment she absorbed all that lay conflicting beneath the surface of our skin and she was afraid.
She backed away from you, and dropped her knife, and she was afraid of you.
And as you watched her, serenity settled down deep into your soul and you were no longer angry.
No. Instead you were at peace, she was like no one else you knew and therefore...she could not be treated like everyone else.
Punished like everyone else.
And in one moment you made your decision as you gazed on at your ward, the sennen eye shone brilliantly on your forehead and before she had a chance to even imagine...you were inside of her.
You forcefully gained entrance into her world and were surprised by what you saw once there.
A large empty space with nothing but barren land for miles and miles as far as the eye could see, and as you stood there with the wind whipping your hair and dust blowing onto you, you felt a drop of nervousness trickle down your spine.
You walked for minutes, for hours, you walked till you were tired and dirty and sweating, and in the one second you let down your guard to wipe the liquid from your brow, the land around you changed.
Morphed, and shifted, and changed in spite of you and now everywhere was small and suffocating.
Cramped pockets of crazed giddiness lay in beautiful traps meant to wound the unwary and cruel tricks hid in every nook, corner, and cranny they could find waiting for those who would fall.
...And so many times you fell.
Over and over again till your body was bruised and pained, over and over again till you thought you might give up or fail, but still you continued, still you fought and remained stubborn and it was then...then that you found her.
Sitting quietly on an emerald grass floor, legs swinging gently in the cool water of a clear pond, still wearing nothing but an overly large oxford shirt as she waited...perhaps for you?
And she was so very beautiful right at that moment, with long blond hair resting on rumpled white cloth whisping with the gentle breeze. Petite legs peeking out from under the shirt to receive a mere glimpse of the sun only to disappear into the chilled embrace of the pond.
She was so very beautiful...until she looked at you.
And then...
...
She lifted her head suddenly aware of the other presence that stood there waiting for her and then she turned in your direction.
And your eyes widened as you stared.
Her eyes were an indescribable shade of blue, not very dark, not very light, just...perfect and even from this distance you could see the tiny pale freckles that were sprinkled across her nose and her lips...soft, pink, pouting...tempting.
Her hands rested on either side of her and the sleeves were slightly rolled up so that slim arms could be given a breath of the fresh air, her shirt was slightly unbuttoned and you could just barely see the voluptuous curve of femininity.
Gia.
And she smiled, her eyes began to sparkle and her lips pulled back to show off straight white teeth and two pointed canines, she placed her hands in her lap so that the scratches that ran from the bottom of her palm to the skin across her elbow were horribly visible, and she smiled.
...
There she sat and there you stood staring at each other and saying nothing.
...But much was said...and you understood.
The red scratches on her wrist had to be accepted or ignored, or else kisses would not be given, and really they were not so frightening, they were almost like the tattoos of days long past and more than anything you do need her kisses.
Faults both hers and your own, will be forgiven so that harmony can reign and caresses can be enjoyed and blatant infatuation can be given time to blossom...and neither of you can lie and say are not interested in becoming lost in the other.
And in the case of insanity...well...even you go a little crazy sometimes, even you need to be able to break wide apart in someone's arms and besides...
Crazy or sane.
Lethal or lovely.
Still she is yours.
And you hers.
To keep and protect and love and cherish and bear even though each day you grow more and more tired, to adore from this day forward in sickness and in health, for as long as the sun shall rise and set and the moon shall glow heavenly in the black night sky...
Amen.
And she smiled with that happy thought and you smiled because you adore everything about her...especially her smile.
And then she forcefully removed you from herself, and when you came back and recovered from the exertion you had a splitting headache and your nose was bleeding but then...there were silken fingertips wiping your blood away, and then there were hypnotizing eyes staring almost wondrously at the red on her own fingers, and then there were pouting lips kissing, and licking, and pleasuring away the hurt.
And at that moment, and the moment after that, and the moments after that led to the both of you sharing a bed together you and her were so in love and so completely bonded that the world realized it and allowed peace for the both of you.
Quiet for ever and ever as you both lounged and stared.
And her slit wrists, and her disheveled appearance, and her quivering psyche, all of it together is what makes her who she is, and all of it together is what keeps you bound to her in love, because you love who she is.
So every scratch and bruise and unmentionable is exquisite and perfect.
All of her is just perfect.
Always.
But at times like now...
Now...she's just too much.
Too much for even a pharaoh or game king, and you feel as though you're about to lose all traces of your sanity because when she breaths...or rather, when she tries to...
She makes such a helpless gasping noise, that every time you hear it, you wince, shut your eyes, and hold your breath as you listen to her lungs pitifully beg for one clear breath of air, but she won't lift her head from that simple piece of cotton vanity, and you pray...
To God.
To Ra.
To anyone willing to pry inside your mind, discover the things that no one knows, and grant you your one wish.
Two choices but only one wish.
Freedom or salvation.
Freedom to leave her, to move on, become strong again, become what you once were but...that's not what you really want, is it?
It seems nice, like an untouchable dream but what you need is her.
You dove back into insanity and darkness for her, back into your past and pain and everything else that you left behind you. You didn't want to go back there...but she was there and you want her, and for now, for these few eternal minutes, she's yours...and she wants you too.
And it was worth it...it is worth it, because you don't want to lose her now.
Now or ever.
So you don't mind being tainted again, though it hurts every bit of your essence you don't mind the loneliness that comes when she wants nothing to do with you, you almost don't mind when she's at her very worse because at times she smiles and she's back again. And you can ignore the cuts, and bruises on her wrist, and forever flickering confidence in her eyes, and all of the crying, and yelling, and hurt because she's healthy and smart and precious and...
You love her.
And maybe with the grace of a higher power she could be saved, the shackles that tie her down and darken overly sensitive flesh could be removed and you could save her...risk throwing her into the light even if it means staying alone in the dark.
Forsake yourself for herself.
...Maybe you could stand being alone if only she was well again.
Maybe.
But you don't want to be alone, do you?
By yourself with...no one to wake up to in the mornings, no one to constantly watch over, no one to protect from themselves.
It seems so scary now.
It never used to bother you before...but that was before you met your Gia.
Before when you liked your independence, your solitude, the freedom that came with standing on one's own two feet without any aid...but after meeting your lover you gained one of her many ticks.
Fear of separation...of loneliness...of emptiness.
You gained one of her sicknesses and it didn't bother you.
...It sounds foolish but...you wish to share everything with her...even her diseases, all of it, so that you two will stay together.
And if you get a little sick in the process, well it's okay, it's not like you won't live, it's not like you can die.
...
...You can just be miserable for all eternity.
...
If you love someone...
let them go...
if they come back...
they're yours.
But...
And you glance down at her, her small body seemed to be swimming in the large white shirt she always wore, her hair was limp, knotted, and wet in some places, and she was shaking.
...You do love her, you do, no one can lie and say you don't.
But you don't know if she loves you, you don't know if she understands why you stay here with her, you don't honestly know if...she's capable of love anymore...
Capable of treating anyone the way she should...past behavior suggests not...
You feel like a traitor every time you think it but still...you can't stop because it'd kill you...and you can't let go because you'd die...and you can't give up because death would be better than not having her around.
And if you let her go...if...if you...no, you refuse to live like this again.
You don't want to feel like this again when you don't have to.
And if she doesn't come back...
...you don't want to think about it.
...
You should not be attracted to her, you should not want to help her, you should not.
That's what all your friends say, never your aibou, but his and your friends...
...
...You once listened to them, listened to everything they had to say and followed their advice.
Listened and followed.
Isn't that how you got into all this trouble?
Not doing what your heart told you to...instead you went out of your way to hurt her and your refused to feel guilt for what you had done.
...
A year.
That was how long you went without guilt and without seeing her.
A year without worries or pain.
But then...
One day you woke up and came to a sudden realization.
You saw something wrong.
Someone that was disturbed and frightening and...
Still you didn't realize...
Not even the fact that it was her, the person you had once loved...no you merely saw another human being teetering on a very dangerous edge that may have brought danger and suffering to your beloved aibou and his friends.
And so you vowed to stop it before it ever hurt anyone.
...Hah.
Oh it hurt someone all right, just not the person you expected.
Not the person you had originally hoped to hurt.
Rather...it hurt you.
...
Scared you and frightened you...and...
And you suffered, and you cried, and you truly couldn't bear it, and when you were so close to losing it all...she placed her hand upon your own gently patting it, and sat down next to you warming your cool skin, and when you looked up with tears shimmering in your eyes and gazed into her own expressionless orbs, the world stilled, and time slowed, and you fell then.
Hook, line, and sinker.
And it didn't hurt.
...it may even have felt a little good, but you can't quite remember...but above all else.
It didn't hurt.
...
...
...hurt. She's so used to it, so used to not trusting anyone and not having anyone to turn to...so when it happened she simply retreated into the shelter she's created for herself but you...you latched onto her and refused to let go of her body and...she let you stay in her arms that night.
And by the next morning you were absolutely infatuated.
As she dozed in her king-sized bed, content and asleep, you wondered how you could have ever missed it when she was so close by. And soft tan fingertips graced over porcelain skin while you stared and loved and thought of the uncertain future that you hoped to have with her. And nothing hurt more than knowing she didn't feel the same way, that she loved no one least of all you.
And nothing was more curious to you than the way she viewed her future...in six hour spans.
...She was, is an enigma to you, one that you will not deny.
...
...Perhaps if you had left that morning you might have had a chance to forget, to move on...but you didn't.
You couldn't because she still wasn't fixed and you wouldn't leave till she was.
...
...If only you had know the sentence you were dooming yourself to.
But would it have mattered?
...
...You don't know...
And the question doesn't plague you as much as it would others...because it's in the past, dead and buried but not forgotten.
And...
You lean down and whisper her name softly into her ear, hoping that it'll encourage her to stop, to listen, but it doesn't and she stiffens under you.
Stiffens and becomes so still that you can hear her unsteady heartbeat and feel her try to stop but...
Can she..?
You glance around the room while rubbing her back in soothing circles trying to focus on something other than the sound of her sobbing, but...
...
The dead silence of the rest of the house is so acute that the noise she makes seems deafening and the world swirls in a dizzying circle as her body is racked with one more painful sob, your body moves with hers as her back arches and falls down weakly.
Why?
Why her? Why?
Things never haunted you like this.
And you have killed millions, doomed millions more, done everything wrong a person was capable of doing and yet...
You are able to sleep at nights.
So why her?
And you remove yourself from touch, knowing that temptation is sharp and deceitful, and you've never really prayed before but as you sit there in a frighteningly shadowed and messy living room, patting a back that won't stop quaking, you soundlessly whisper words that lack the strength that you were born with and the conviction that they bred into your being, and after awhile you've been doing it for so long that the motion has become mindless.
Mindless.
But not meaningless.
Never meaningless.
Not for her.
And sounds and sights had almost been lost when you noticed that sad tremors were slowly becoming stilled and you held your breath and closed your eyes for a moment while you whispered thanks to someone for listening, for caring, and when you opened the ruby orbs to gaze down at your lover...you hoped...and hoped and hoped.
And ever so slowly she pushed herself up and sat back with her head down and you waited for some response, some acknowledgment that she knew you existed, that she...
Small pale hands pushed long platinum strands away from an expressionless face and lashes brushed fair skin as she breathed so deeply, and blinked, and then she looked at you.
Midnight blue eyes gazed into your very soul, and with almost regret she touched the hand that had come to rest on the small of her back, pulled it away and laid it on the cushion of the couch.
And in that one moment of refusal you felt a burning in your eyes and tears that would never fall from so noble a pharaoh, and a mortal wound was left bleeding as a girl who was too old to ever be innocent and a woman who had never truly lost what made a child, left you once more.
And when you were alone in that room, in a house, that to think, you might have never stepped foot in, you thought about mornings.
Thought about them as weariness settled heavily on your shoulders and exhaustion caught up with you.
Mornings, the promise of pain and pleasure that lay in the last moment of the day and the fear that came in the first moment of the next.
So many different circumstances, so many fights and wars and battles that started in the course of merely trying to make sure that she doesn't kill herself by living this way.
So many times she told you off, hit you, pushed you, and left you alone...so many times she took strange men to her bed and gave them all you had ever dreamed of.
So many times...
And so many times you were silent, begged yourself to say nothing and grit your teeth as hard as possible when you heard them...moving and moaning in the middle of the night.
And for all your silence and steadfastness where had your rewards been?
...
...In those moments when she came crying to you, silently asking for comfort, for her lover had left in the middle of the night and you both knew to where he had gone.
What had happened to that poor soul, attracted to the flashing eyes of a monster and queen.
And though you knew, though you knew and hated and knew, you held her and loved her silently in your heart.
And shushed away all tears and pain and were almost happy because she came to you and no one else.
You and...no one...else...
Lashes fluttered, lowered themselves to high cheekbones only to rise up again with a tiny burst of self control.
You're tired.
How long have you been awake? How many long and sleepless nights have you had? How many times did you stay wake just to be able to watch Gia sleep?
And finally long lashes drooped down onto honeyed skin and you almost nodded off...almost...
...Eyes fly open and you blink wildly while sitting up slowly.
What was that?
You glance around the room sleepily, ears keen, body waiting for...
...But there's nothing...whatever it was, and Ra please don't let it be Gia, whatever it was...it's gone now...
Now it's quiet...
...quiet...
...Now...you're so very tired...
And tired...and tired...
...tired...
...sleep...
...
...
...
...
Lashes flutter open as the sun dips low onto your face and a soft groan fills the air, you slept at an awkward angle last night but her coach is soft so it doesn't hurt as much as it could.
You stand up and stretch tilting your head backwards as you listen to the verifying crack and pull of bones readjusting and muscles expanding.
Ra.
It still hurts though.
Last night was...last night...where's Gia?
You lift your head and listen for the sound of...anything but...nothing.
You frown and something small inside of you curls into itself in anticipation and in fear of what you'll soon find.
"Gia?", you call just once, not bothering to look around, not bothering to really listen.
You already know where she is.
"Gia.", a whisper now, she wouldn't be able to hear you...not from where she is-if that's what you want?
...Is that what you want?
"Gia.", the basement that's where she always is-it's the darkest room in the house, the most...room in the house.
"Gia.", you hate the basement because it's so dark-why does she always..?
"Gia.", you place your hand on the smooth cool wood, waiting for...
She won't.
Pull.
The door swings open and you peer into the shadows trying to find her, but you can't see a thing. Lightly you move forward and as your foot presses down a slow creek fills the air.she knows you're here now you can feel it, feel her...but still...doesn't matter.
Does it?
...Does it?
The rest of the stairs creek just as much as the first but it doesn't matter, there's no need for silence because she's waiting for you anyway.
Waiting all alone in this dark-is she all alone?
Yes-why would she...be otherwise?
You stand in the dark, your hands on either side of the doorframe waiting as well but no she doesn't want-you should go now...
You reach forward and when your hand grazes the switch you flick.
Blinding fluorescent lights flash on and your eyes unwillingly narrow while staring at the floor.
You look up haltingly, afraid of what you'll find and...
There she is...
Gia.
Your lover.
Your love.
Sitting on top of a cupboard with her eyes hooded by long lashes and shadows, long hair platinum and shining, body relaxed as she...
She...
...Again...
...
...There's a knife.
Long and sharp and a butcher knife.
Silver, and gleaming, and ominous.
And she...humming calmly, tunelessly, while ever so slowly she runs the sharp blade along her fragile skin over and over and...
Gia.
You gasp and shudder at the sight in front of you before gritting your teeth.
And she looks up now and you can see her eyes.
Shimmering sapphires that are sparkling and wild and filled with happiness.
"Gia.", your voice is so soft, so sad, you're weakening.
Every day you spend with her you grow weaker and weaker, and guilt, love, sorrow, shame, and hope is all you are capable of anymore.
Very soon you too will be unrepairable.
...Soon...but for now...
She, Gia...you can't even sleep for a few hours without her-and you don't want her to-you hate those-but she...
Tears form in your eyes and jumbled thoughts continue in your mind as you stare at her and walk forward.
She'll never...but you...
...
Will it ever be okay?
"Gia.", your voice is barely a whisper now, and as you draw closer your eyes start to burn...you should really blink but...then you'd be crying.
And you don't cry, do you?
...There's blood on the floor, and in her lap, and...Ra.
She looks and feels sad as she watches you approach and she's sorry for hurting you, but...you have to understand.
"Yami.", her voice is gentle and she tries to look in your eyes since you're avoiding hers.
"Yami.", you look up and she can't help but notice the way your eyes resemble spilled blood and slicked rubies, you step forward because you're suddenly so cold and Gia...she's so very warm right now and you don't want to be cold.
She leans forward so that you'll know, so that you'll understand and listen and know.
She leans forward and gently she says to you, while staring into your eyes, lips not so far from your own.
"It's better now."
And you can't hold back the sob that erupts from you as you hear that, nor can you contain your revulsion as you delicately grasp one of her wrists and watch as her blood flows quicker.
"Gia...".
She pulls her hand away and leans back, and you miss her already.
She stares at you distrustingly and that something small inside you clenches and clenches again till you can hardly breath.
"Yami-".
"No.", you shake your head, you don't want to hear it, dear Ra, you don't want to hear why she's doing this.
...
...You're about to start crying...
...
Light fingertips grasp the side of your face and you find yourself staring at Gia again.
"Yami...", you bite your lip as you stare at her, you don't want to hurt but you do...but she can...
"Yami, I feel much better now.", and she smiles like games without frontiers, and worlds without end, and everything you've ever wanted dipped in sugar and honey, and lacquered with tears and blood.
And you smile, though you're weary, and miserable, and a large part of you doesn't feel like smiling, you do.
Because you adore everything about her, especially her smile.
Hands grasp your shoulder blades and she pulls in closer till you can smell the peppermint on her breath and the coppery sweet smell of her blood.
"Yami I feel so much better...I've been needing that all day...Thank you.", and with that simple announcement filled with a love you aren't sure exists, she kisses you.
Presses her lips to your own chastely and pours all her appreciation for you in that one move, and you...you recognize that this is different, she means it...she might even...
And that hope causes the tears in your eyes to fall and as the crystalline drops run down your cheeks they touch her own and dance past her skin, and you kiss her back.
Hungry and longing and lusting.
...
And she smiles into the kiss because you're soft and warm and you care...you and you and you care, and you don't know how very much she does love you for it.
She loves you.
And you love her.
But...
She's not...
...
...
What do you do when the one you love won't stop crying?
...Let them do what they've been wanting to all day.
Now...
What do you do when the one you love won't stop smiling..?
...
What then?
...
...
...
Fini. -------------------------------------------------------------------------
...Well, not bad if I do say so myself. If you liked this fic review, and if you really liked this fic then look up my other ones and review them too.
luv ya, bye bye, peace out.
Epiphany.
