The Solo Journals
Disclaimer: All characters, settings etc belong respectively to Bioware and Lucasfilms. I'm not making any money off of this at all, really.
Part One: Confrontations
Location: The Ebon Hawk, in hyperspace transit from the Star Forge System to Coruscant
Time: 2300 hours Republic Standard Time
Brenna Solo curled up in the co-pilot's seat, knees drawn to her chest. She could feel the Cross of Glory as it hung on her tunic, but her thoughts were far away from the tumultuous past several months, and the actions that had turned her from villain and conqueror to savior and hero. She didn't want to think of the foreseeable future either, where she was going to be paraded around the Republic like some trained monkey doing tricks. She let herself dwell on selfish thoughts for a moment, like taking the Hawk and running off somewhere where they'd never seen or heard of Revan. The one memory she couldn't hide from was her last 'conversation' with Malak. The words seem to echo even now:
"Savior, conqueror, hero, villain. You are all these things, Revan… and yet you are nothing. In the end you belong to neither the light nor the darkness. You will forever stand alone."
It was at that moment one of the two people who could put lie to Malak's poison walked onto the bridge. It was less that she could see him than she felt him the moment he passed through the hatch. The awareness wasn't new, but it'd become brighter since after her encounter with Bastila in the temple. Brenna wasn't exactly sure where it had come from, but it had given her strength to reject Bastila and Malak. Carth had been as good as his promise; he'd protected her in a way he probably would never fully understand… She laughed at the last thought, and ran a hand through her black hair. Maybe Revan had been prone to deep philosophical thought at one point, but Brenna didn't think there were enough numbers in the universe to count the ways she was different from her former self. Managing a smile, she looked up at the man she loved. A man she might loose if the Council had its way.
"Hey, beautiful," he said softly.
"Hey, flyboy." She replied, trying to sound more cheerful than she felt.
"You realize you've got your Jedi bunkmates worried about you," he said as he sat down on the control panel at her side. "Both Bastila and Juhani were on the verge of coming up here and using some mind tricks to knock you out. They seem to think you're going to burn yourself out before we even reach Coruscant. Mission warned me, and I managed to talk them out of it." A concerned look crossed his face, "unless there's something they know that I don't."
"No, Carth. No visions, no bad dreams, just… I'm not comfortable being the so called 'savior of the Republic'. Hell, it's my fault that this blasted war started… If I hadn't been so arrogant…"
He moved to kneel in front of her, bringing their eyes level. "Stop it, Brenna. We both know you're not Revan… Not anymore. You have nothing to prove to anyone."
"Except myself," she murmured.
"You don't have to do this alone… Look, you know I'm not the best at self examination, but if you need to talk, I'm here."
"You think I could convince you to take this ship to Manaan instead?" Brenna said suddenly, "I'm sure I can find a skimpy enough suit to make it worth your while."
He gave her that half smile that was so endearing, "Sorry, sweetheart. I wish I could take you up on that, but I'd rather not get the Senate and the Jedi Council angry at me for kidnapping their war hero."
Her face fell, "I guess so. I'm just so tired of duty and responsibility, Carth. I did my penance. I ended the war I started, kept one Jedi from falling to the Dark Side, and brought another back from the same fate. And it's amazing that I did it, considering I don't even know who I *am* anymore. And I'm afraid that the Council is going to try and remake me in their image, and I don't want that…especially since it would mean losing you." Brenna hid her face again, not wanting to see Carth's reaction.
"What do you mean?" His voice went deadly soft, but she knew he wasn't angry with her.
"You've heard what Bastila said when we talked about her family. The Jedi aren't big on outside attachments, plus there's the Code," Brenna began to quote, eye closed; her voice painful:
"There is no emotion… There is peace.
There is no ignorance… There is knowledge.
There is no passion… There is serenity.
There is no chaos… There is harmony.
There is no death… There is the Force."
She opened her eyes again and looked into his, remembering the first time she had truly looked into those depths. The moment struck her as funny, and she smiled for the first time since the Star Forge.
"I guess until I face them, I'll have to be content with the moments I can steal." The smile turned into an impish grin as she said, "Remember that first night I was conscious on Taris?"
She could see he still wanted to talk, but accepted the change of subject. "I remember you being infuriating, if that's what you mean?"
"Nah, this was before I even got a chance to be infuriating, darlin'," she pushed herself to her feet, and then pulled him up, never breaking eye contact. "It was completely and totally inappropriate for the time, of course, but I'd been tempted to invite you to join me… Just for the value of shocking such a paragon of the Republic as yourself, of course."
Carth eyes widened, and started to laugh, "Of course… Though you may want to be careful, sweetheart, I might just take you up on that… or would if we had the privacy." He slipped his arms around her, "There'll be time for that, I promise. I love you so much. I'm not letting you go without a fight."
Burying her head against his chest, Brenna drew all the strength she could from his presence, "I love you too, Carth, now and always."
Location: VIP Quarters, the Senate, Coruscant.
Time: 1422 hours, RST
Brenna and her party disembarked the Hawk to maddening fan fair. She did her best to look happy, but all she could do was clutch Carth's hand tighter against the waves of nausea that hit her. She didn't want this, nor did she deserve it, but as Admiral Dodonna had observed, the crowds needed their hero. She'd survived and was now in one of the best VIP suites the Senate could provide. It was surprising how the Republic government was falling all over itself to make her happy, or maybe not so surprising because she knew what was going to happen next, and not from any vision of the future. There was method to this madness, for the Republic was even weaker now than it had been at the end of the Mandalorian Wars, and they were expecting *her* to be the one to hold this house of Pazaak cards together, until things got better. So they were going out of their way to be nice and solicitous. Of course when the confrontation with the Council came, all of her new 'friends' in the government would disappear into the woodwork.
She sank into a comfortable chair and sighed. At least her friends seemed willing to stay at least for a while. Even Canderous was willing to hang around, which made Brenna wonder if there was more to his declaration that he was "her man". She hadn't really been thinking all that straight at the time, but now she looked at it, it looked like he'd given her what amounted to a fealty oath, which was just going to add further to the myth that was springing up around her. Between a Wookie with a life-debt, a Mandalorian liegeman, a former Sith assassin droid… No she didn't even want to think about it.
It was then that she felt the first prickling of the Force and put on a resigned smile as she willed the door open. Bastila, dressed in the simple brown robes of a Padawan, stepped through.
"Hello, Bastila… Let me guess," she put her fingers to her temples in an exaggerated pose of mind reading, "the High Council would like to see me as soon as I'm settled."
"Very funny, Brenna, and yes the Council does wish an audience with you, that's not why I'm here." The young Jedi looked distinctly uncomfortable. "I'm worried about you."
Brenna decided to drop the sarcasm and be honest, "I know. We may have learned to shield each other out, but things still leak through… It's just… I don't want to be used anymore. I'm tired, I'm worn, and I'm just starting to understand who I am, and suddenly I find myself responsible for helping shore up the entire Republic." She sent a mock glare at her sister Jedi, "and don't give me the 'to whom much is given, much is expected speech'. I know the score, and I know supposedly I'm the only one who can do it…" And then it hit her, she had a bargaining chip!
Bastila caught the shift in her emotions as well and looked alarmed, "Brenna, what are you thinking?"
Brenna pushed herself up, suddenly feeling completely revitalized, "Oh, not much. Just came up with a way to do my duty and get what I want… and all I need to do is blackmail the Jedi Council," she replied with a mischievous grin.
"You're going to….? Are you mad?"
The grin became even brighter as she headed for the door, and threw over her shoulder, "Maybe, but if I am, it's the Council's fault entirely. If they'd have given me a more law abiding identity than a smuggler, I may not have even come up with this… Are you coming?"
Bastila followed her out, muttering, "I have a bad feeling about this…"
Location: In Transit: The Jedi High Temple
Time: 1506 Hours RST
It hadn't taken long for Brenna to find an air speeder and head toward the temple with Bastila in tow. She looked over at her fellow Jedi as she punched the engines, and it seemed poor Bastila was torn between being disapproving and amused.
"What?" she finally asked as they were on final approach to the Temple.
Bastila sighed, "I think you're a bad influence on me, Brenna, I should be trying to talk you out of this mad endeavor, but instead I find myself hoping it all works out."
"Well, look at it this way, Bastila. If everything is the Will of the Force, then the fact I have a close bond with not only you but Carth should mean something to the Masters," Brenna said casually as she deftly avoided traffic. Bastila hadn't been there when Carth's premonition about the choice she'd need to make came to pass, and she doubted her sister Jedi had had the presence of mind to sense the slight spark of the Force that resided within Carth Onasi with everything else that was going on.
"I… I didn't realize he had potential," she said finally.
"It's all right, Bastila, you had other things on your mind, but it explains a bit about him, doesn't it? There's enough potential there to be mistaken for 'luck', but not enough that the Jedi would have taken him for training as a child, though I'm surprised they missed his son; the Sith sure didn't." Brenna noted as she shot a pointed glance at Bastila, who winced slightly.
Brenna eased the speeder into a parking spot not far from the temple, and gently gripped Bastila's shoulder.
"That wasn't a dig at you, old friend. I'm sorry for being so thoughtless, but I think you know what I meant."
She nodded, some of the tension easing out of her, "Of course, if Dustil was strong enough that the Sith Academy accepted him, he had to be strong indeed. And I even understand your point that the Force tends to breed true in families, but my understanding isn't what you require…"
"If the Council doesn't get it, then they can dispense with my services as well," Brenna said coolly, "and don't give me that look, Bastila. It doesn't mean I'm going to waste my potential, but I just won't do it with the Jedi. Maybe I'll go to Telos and help with the rebuilding, or maybe back to Kashyyk, who knows? But I won't let myself be manipulated by the Council anymore. They re-wrote who I was once… that's all they get."
Location: The Jedi High Temple
Time: 1542 Hours RST
Upon arrival Brenna and Bastila were escorted to a comfortable waiting area by an apprentice who wasn't old enough to remember Revan's defeat of the Mandalorans. He eyed Brenna suspiciously, as he offered refreshments, which they politely refused.
"I'm not sure what's worse," Brenna sighed as the boy left with near indecent haste, "the hero worship or the suspicious looks, like I'm going to turn back to the Dark Side at any moment."
"It'll take some time I suppose, like all things. You just need to be patient."
"You're right, Bastila, but I hope others are just as patient…"
Her words were cut off by another apprentice who told them that Master Vandar wished to speak to Jedi Revan alone.
Brenna glared at the apprentice and said, "Don't call me that. Either Brenna Solo or Jedi Solo, but I'm not Revan. Not anymore… And Force willing, never again!"
The apprentice quailed a bit, but recovered enough to lead Brenna out into the temple gardens. Master Vandar, sat alone, eyes closed in the center of the garden. Brenna waited as respectfully as she could while he finished his meditation. After what seemed hours, he opened those large, all too seeing eyes and looked up at her.
"You are troubled, Jedi Solo?"
She sat down next to him and shook her head, "Troubled, Master Vandar? I think that's an understatement. The Council on Dantoonie did their work way to well." She adjusted the neck of her tunic, which suddenly felt as if it were choking her. "You can dress me up in these robes, and tell everyone I'm a Jedi, but I'm not. I'm not even sure if I can be a Jedi."
"I have spoken at some length with Master Bindo, and he has been an eloquent advocate for your situation."
"You talked to Jolee? Jolee's a Master now?"
"I asked him not to speak to you on the matter until I could see for myself, and I must concur with his conclusions. Revan would never have so blithely admitted to faults and frustrations as you have done. This fact alone makes you stronger, and proves you are truly Jedi."
"How's that possible, considering the only serenity I find is with my friends?"
"And your affection for them kept you strong in the face of the Dark Side." Vandar nodded. "Your emotions do you credit, young Jedi, and prove Master Bindo correct. Love is not the danger we say it is. Your love of your friends protected you from the terrible taint of the Star Forge. That love brought Bastila back from the depths of darkness, and saved the galaxy. And now you fear the Council will force you to severe all ties with those who kept you strong." He stood and looked deeply into her blue eyes and smiled slightly. "We are not that cruel, Jedi Solo."
Brenna realized she'd been holding her breath, and let it out in a rush. She managed to restrain herself from either hugging the old Jedi Master or dancing about that gardens, and settled for a wry smile, "Well at least I won't have to blackmail the Council… But I'm going to find Jolee and smack him in the knee with my lightsaber hilt! Thank you, Master Vandar, Thank you!"
Quickly bowing to the Master, she nearly skipped out of the gardens, grabbing Bastila by the arm and dragging her out.
"I take it things went well?" Bastila asked warily, completely surprised by Brenna's mercurial mood switch.
"Better than all right, and now we have to do something even more important!"
And what, pray tell, would that be?"
"I need to find something besides these Jedi robes to wear!"
