Title:
Into the Maelstrom
Author: ashengem
Chapter 1: Drip, Drop
Spoilers: Definitely Vol. 1
of the manga, as well as bits and pieces from later volumes. I don't
have Vol. 5, so no spoilers from there.
Warnings: If you have a
problem with shonen-ai, you're in the wrong fandom.
Disclaimer: Gravitation is copyrighted to Maki Murakami. The English translation is copyrighted to Mixx Entertainment. No infringement is intended. Remarks in quotations are taken from the English manga translation.
Author's notes: This is a non-story. It has no real plot of its own. It strictly follows the manga sequence of events. I wrote this to fill in the blanks, more or less. We see most of the manga from the point of view of Shuichi. Often I wondered what Eiri was thinking when he said or did something. This is the result of these idle thoughts. Think of it as a diary entry written well after the fact, but not too far after the fact. Constructive criticism is always welcome.
You shut your mouth.
How can you say I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved,
Just like everybody else does.
When
you say it's gonna happen now,
What exactly do you mean?
See,
I've already waited too long,
And all my hope is gone.
"How
Soon is Now", Love Spit Love
Who knew that random acts of criticism could lead to violent disruption in one's life? This insufferable brat has crashed into my life with the force of an atom bomb, and I'm left standing at Ground Zero, surrounded by nothing but the wreckage of my former life.
I refuse to accept that I've brought this on myself. I didn't do anything but read a bit of poetry and be overly critical. Yes, I admit it, I didn't mean what I said. I don't know why I said it either, except that I felt compelled. But this one action set off a course of events that wouldn't have happened otherwise.
I pick up a piece of paper fluttering on the ground, give a little bit of unsolicited advice. I didn't realize that it would lead to him throwing himself in front of my speeding car. It was raining. He was damn lucky I didn't kill him. Maybe I should have. He makes me feel too damn much.
What possessed me to take him back to my home that day, I'll never know. But bring him back I did. He did nothing but shiver all the way there. I'm still not even sure how he knew it was my car, if it was instinct or if he could actually see through both the rain and my slightly tinted windows. Unimportant, at any rate. There's just something about him that nags me, like a tug at the shirt sleeve by a petulant child.
I didn't let him stay long, but allowed him to dry off and vent about my seemingly rude criticism of his bubble-gum drivel. Not that it really was so horrible, but he was too proud of them for his own good. Not only that, I was having a bad night, and he just happened to be there to bear the brunt of my own frustration.
And, of course, being me, I left him with some more parting advice, "If you don't want to kill yourself, you should probably stay away from Mercedes SLEs and Saab Cabriolets. Because if you get in front of me again, I'll hit you and then back up over you for good measure."
I figured that would be the end of him, that I'd never see him again. I found him rather…unsettling. It was as if he stirred things better left untouched. I knew I did not want him around for any length of time. So imagine my surprise when he turned up on my doorstep a few days later.
Although, I can't say that this visit was a complete waste. Unbeknownst to him, he provided me with a guilt-free way to avoid dinner with my sister. When given the options of going to a concert at a popular night club or dining with my sister as she prattles on about familial obligations, a concert will win out every time; even if the lead singer is a loud, annoying, obnoxious, pink-haired teenager. Not only that, he's persistent. He knows what he wants, and I get the feeling he won't let up until he gets it. I like him.
So I went to his concert. And just as I suspected, he tried to make a song out of those insipid lyrics of his. They were still trite, though. I'm almost embarrassed to say I liked being there. I even, despite my misgivings, gave him a bit of encouragement. He ate it up. I left right after their set.
But no matter how quickly I left, it wasn't fast enough. I was spotted by the most unfortunate of characters, my dear brother-in-law, Toma Seguchi. I was caught. By the time I got home, my sister undoubtedly knew. She's so unbelievably manipulative, he doesn't even know that she's got him wrapped around her little finger. Which is perfect, because that son of a bitch is a shark. What I mean is, despite all his smiles and kind words, he'll slit your throat in the space between heart beats and you wouldn't even notice until half your blood had left your body. Never stand in his way. He will run over anyone, in some cases literally, to get what he wants or protect those he loves, namely my sister and I. Maybe Tatsuha, too, I don't know.
Maybe that's why I don't want Shuichi around. Any time I form an attachment to someone, Seguchi is there to destroy it, then tell me all the reasons why it wasn't good for me. Consequently, for the past years, no relationship I've ever had has lasted more than a week or two. Well, that's not the only reason, just one of the more important ones.
But back to what, rather who, I was talking about.
So, after the concert, my sister must have been pissed because she was at my home in the bat of an eyelash. Well, it wasn't quite that fast, but it felt like it.
She wanted to know about Shuichi. Who was he? Why was I at his concert? Why did I blow her off to attend it? Why did I lie to her? She annoys me. Doesn't she realize by now that I don't know why I do anything? I've been living moment to moment for so long now, I know no other way to live. If something strikes me, I do it. I don't have a reason, and I don't need one. But I didn't have to suffer through her questions for long, because salvation came in the form of a ringing doorbell. I pretended to ignore it because it would annoy the hell out of Mika. And in a fit of annoyance and frustration, she answered the door. And there was Shuichi.
Immediately, I saw my way out of this. I played it up. I've always been a good actor. I pretended that I had been waiting for him to arrive. I hadn't really, but I did suspect he'd show up. His timing was impeccable. It couldn't have been better if I'd planned it. Every excellent lie has just a touch of truth. She swallowed it. And for the third time, I let him in.
Third time's a charm, I suppose.
I knew the fool was in love with me. He reacts drastically to everything I say and do. I shouldn't have let him in. I didn't want to be important to anyone.
I don't know what came over me. But next I knew I had him against the wall. That kiss…it was more than just a kiss. I felt it with every fiber of my being. My hands wandered of their own volition. We came crashing to the floor. That jostled me out of my stupor.
I didn't lie when I said I knew where he was coming from. Love wasn't a completely alien concept to me. But I…I needed to think, and he was impairing me. I got him out as fast as I could. I needed to…I didn't know what I needed.
I set him up. It's my fault my sister used him to get me to Kyoto. I shouldn't have said he was more important than her. It was because of that, that she tracked him down. Her goal was to get him to convince me to go home. And she had the perfect carrot to dangle in front of him: her own husband, Toma Seguchi.
Those two are disgusting. Using each other and others for their own ends. Little did she know, she didn't need to use Seguchi. Without planning to, she gave him what he really wanted: an excuse to see me. Fool.
I have a massive amount of distrust of others. Everyone has an angle(1). I'm positive my words cut him, but I was acting out of my own feelings of betrayal and hurt. I was cruel, but I couldn't stop myself. I was surprised and only slightly relieved when he kissed me. I didn't push him away. Truthfully, I didn't want to. Tears sprang to his eyes because of my accusations. He yelled about how all he wanted to do was see me. Remember what I said, everyone has an angle. I called him a liar. He left, feeling obviously defeated, by the look of him. I felt unbelievably hurt by all of it. Why I felt so by him, I didn't know.
I was with Seguchi when Shuichi was supposed to give his demo tape to Mika. I was actually rather tense about it. It was as if everything rested upon this, like a turning point in my life. I was not to be disappointed. He turned her offer down. So the fool really was in love with me.
I hate Seguchi. He knows too much and he has this horrible way of making me open up to him without even trying. I spilled everything Shuichi said. "There's no way I can return his affection," is what I told Seguchi. And when I did, I felt a…sadness, deep below the surface. A dull ache, but nothing unbearable. Seguchi told me there was something I could do for Shuichi. I didn't know what he meant, but I knew I'd have plenty of time to think about it when I went to Kyoto.
Yes, I went. But only partly because of Shuichi. It was also so my sister would leave me alone for a while. I have a profound dislike for my father. We don't see eye to eye on many things. He sees my career as a writer as a distraction and a farce. He wants me to be a monk and run the temple after he's gone. Not interested. I'll leave that to my brother, the "good son", Tatsuha. Of course, my father was feeling a time crunch. He wanted, and arranged for, me to marry the daughter of another temple family. According to my sister, the girl was quite serious about it. I hadn't seen her since we were young. One would think that in this day and age, arranged marriages would be a thing of the past. It sounds like a plot from a third rate romance novel. Luckily, I never stay long. Kyoto makes me feel like a caged animal.
1. Taken from and inspired by the movie "White Christmas". Bob Wallis tells Betty Haynes that everyone has an angle after she tells him that her brother didn't write the letter he received and that it had really been her sister, Judy. She tells him that's a very cynical point of view.
