A/N: Okay, I know when I'm not loved. But honestly, I don't care. I'm poting my story here and there ain't shit you can do about it. Anyway, please review-Cole
I sit here in a cold room. I just killed another innocent. I just took another pure life, a life I am not worthy to take, not worthy to know. But that doesn't matter. Voldemort was bored, he wanted death. I did as I was told, I always have.
I sit here in a cold room and I think back to your childhood, back to the day my whole life changed.
"You can do it, Bella, I know you can." Sirius says to me as he leaves my room. Tomorrow we leave for Hogwarts, tomorrow I get to see Dumbledore for the first time. Andi says that Dumbeldore is wonderful, I can't wait.
I laid down and fell asleep, dreams rushing through my head. The next day I wake early and we go to the train station, hand in hand. Sirius gets a compartment next to mine and Andi's, there wasn't enough room in ours. The train ride lasts five hours, but finally we make it to Hogsmeade.
I can't find Sirius, but no matter, I'll see him at the feast. I get into the boat and we row to shore.
McGonagall calls my name, "Black, Bellatrix." I walk up the isle, my mask well in place. I look into Sirius eyes. He wants me to defy them, he wants me to be a Gryffindor. I look into his eyes, and I smile as the hat says 'Slytherin'.
Sirius looks at me dumbfounded, but I know deep down he understood. He knows that I couldn' defy my family. He can thought. He was just srted into Gryffindor. He looks at me one last time, a small kindness in his eyes, and then his face goes blank and he glares at me.
I let the tears fall gently, making sure not a sound is made. Noone has ever seen me cry, and I rarely do. But face it, Sirius is gone, the only person to ever believe in me is gone. And I killed him. I killed him because he was brave enough to do the one thing that I have always wanted to do. I hate him because he had freedom, because he was able to break free. I hate him because he could still feel, his heart could still break, something I couldn't do for the longest time.
But his death broke me, it broke me and I wanted to cry. To grab him, to beg his forgiveness. He say the pain in my eyes, and I hope he's forgiven me wherever he is now. I killed the one person I ever loved, the one person to ever make me feel anything. I killed him and I hate myself for it.
I can't do nothing about it. I can't go to Voldemort and say I quit. I can't go to Potter and beg his forgiveness. I don't have it in me. I'm a Black, always have been and always will be. I am not able to fight this, to over come it. And so I teased Potter instead of begging his forgiveness, I obey Voldemort instead of defying him, and I sit here in a stone cold room instead of doing anything about it.
I killed the only people to ever care about me. Sirius and Andromeda loved me, I was there best friend, the only one in the family that understood Sirius besides Andi, the only one Andi could confied in. Reggie was too black, he did everything he was told. And Cissa was too frozen. I was real thought, I felt and they loved me for it.
And I killed both of them. After killing Andromeda I ran to Sirius, I begged his forgiveness, I begged him to understand. And he held me and comforted me and then I left him. I left him because I didn't want him to get hurt, I didn't want to get hurt. But after that we would write eachother until Sirius was thrown in Azkaban. At that moment, while the rest of the Death Eaters were mourning their lost leader, I mourned for my cousin. I mourned for the only person alive that ever loved me.
And now he's dead. Sirius is dead and I killed him. He is being mourn now, he is being mourn openly becasue his name has been cleared. There are so many nights when I want to kill Peter for sending my Sirius to hell on earth. There are so many nights when I wake up crying and my husband smiled his cold smile and tells me to go to sleep. He says that one of the strongest Death-Eaters alive should not cry, should not be weak. But doesn't he realize that I am weak? I am one of the weakest people you will ever hear of, because I can't leave, I can't say no. I can't do what is not expected of me.
Expectations, they're what got me ino this huge mess. Many people think that I was my father's second choice, that he would have chosen Andi to carry on the evil family crest, but those people are wrong. I was always my father's favorite. Mother had Cissa and father had me. Andi didn't need them, she had Sirius, and that was all she needed.
But yes, I was father's favorite child, the sun rose and set around me. I was favored, but I also had many expectations. I was expected to be top of my class, and I was, right after Lily, Potter, Lupin, Sirius, and Snape. I was expected to become friends with the right people, and I did. I was expected to carry on the Black tradition, I was expected to become a Death Eater and kill innocents. And I did. I did because I was weak, I am weak, and I always will be weak. I my be strong enough to withstand several Crucios, but I cannot follow my heart.
I never loved Lestrange, never once did I love my husband. My heart belonged to a man so much sweeter, kinder, a Slytherin that was still able to feel, still able to comprehend. My heart belonged to Severus Snape. I loved him more than anything in the world, and he loved me. He still does. He loves me enough to tell me that he is a spy, and that he wants to pick up where Sirius left off, he wants to fight for the Light. He still loves me and I still love him, and my heartbreaks for him everytime he comes to the meetings, everytime my name is called, "Bellatrix Hera Lestrange." My heartbreaks everytime I see his face, because I can't have him.
One day, after all of this is over, after Snape and I are dead in our graves, at that time we will be reunited, and I will smile a true smile and we will be with Sirius and Andi and their friends. And on that day all of the expectations of the human hell will fade away and I will be the Bellatrix I once was. I will be Sirius' black Bella. I will be Severus' Sweet Rose, and I will be with Andi, and we will be like the sisters we once were.
One day, when I am dead, none of this will matter anymore. One day I will be able to feel again, to love again, to laugh again One day this will all be a memory. One day I will wake up and see that all of this was a dream. One day I will see Sirius and Andi again, I will kiss Severus again. One day, but not now. For now I am Bellatrix Lestrange, woman warrior, and a icy block of numbness.
