Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

A/N: Last chapter for a while, I need to type more up, and I'm not sure if I'll have the chance. Please review!-Cole


I am their Golden Boy. I don't know why, I mean most of them don't even know about that damnned prophecy, and those that do don't seem to care overly much. They just put me on a pedestal, they shudder if I cower, they bow before me as I walk, but they do not care about me. They never have and the never will. I could go off and die the next day, and they wouldn't be fazed as long as I took Voldemort with me. They would make a big show of grieving, but they wouldn't care.

To them I am but a weapon, a secret that must be wisely kept and wisely used. To them I am simply a means of escaping the terrible fate of pain, of misery, of suffering. But they do not realize that I am living that fate. My life has been an ongoing series of pain. I have felt nothing but misery since the day of my parents' death. I have suffered beyond the understanding of the human mind.

But they do not see that, they see only what they want. They wear blinders like horses. They see only what is meant for them to see, they see only what will keep them innocent. To see more would throw them off course, to see more would set them free. And they do not want to be free, they enjoy the restarints of society. They do not want to feel real pain, and without feeling real suffering, they will never know true happiness.

Do I know true happiness? Sometimes I believe I do. When I met Sirius and Lupin, I thought I knew true happiness. When Cho and I started going out, I thought I knew true happiness. But that's not true. The only time I ever remember true happiness is when Luna said she loved me. That is the only time I knew true happiness. Why? Why did I not know true happiness when I met Lupin and Sirius? Because true happiness can not be taken away. Sirius has been taken away from me, but Luna's love cannot be. For love can withstand death. That much I know to be true.

But nobody sees me, not even Luna. Yes, I do admit that she has seen more of me than others. I do admit that I show her peices of the real me. But I would never show her my pain, my hatred, although she asks me of it repeatedly. One day I might tell her, but not now. I couldn't. I couldn't put her through my pain. I couldn't let he feel my anxiousness, know my fear. I couldn't tell her that I am slowly killing myself. I couldn't. Because I couldn't kill her. I love her and therefore I cannot kill her, and if she knew my pain. If she knew even a part of it. She would die.

I mostly feel like a hollow shell. I no longer allow myself to grieve for my lost parents, for Sirius, or for Cedric. I do not allow myself to cry when the pressure becomes too much. I do not allow myself to show weakness. I do not allow myself to hope. Only with Luna do I feel anything at all. Only with Luna do I feel a spark of hope that we will survive this war, that things will get better. Only for Luna am I willing to feel, to dare to hope, to wish, to love. When I am without her and Ron and Hermione, when I am without them, and sometimes even when I am with them, I fell empty, hollow, numb. I pretend to be happy, to be ready to fight, to kill, but I know I am not ready. I know that Hermione, Ginny, Ron, Neville and Luna, especially Luna, realize that I'm hiding my true self. And sometimes I talk to them. they know of the prophecy, they know I am afraid, they know my hope, my dreams, my visions. They know what lied within my heart, but they too hide me. They hide the true me from the world because they no longer care for the world either. They realize how cruel people are and they try to shelter me from life.

It's funny, many people would break down into sobs if ever they knew what I was thinking. It would not be out of pity for me, the human race lost its humanity years ago. No, it would be out of pity for themselves. If they knew that I spend hours awake at night contemplating ways of killing myself. If they understood how alone I really feel. If they could comprehend my pain, if they knew my burden. If they knew how heavy the weight of the world really is, they would break down. Because they wouldn't be able to take it. They wouldn't be able to take loosing their savior, their hope.

And so I won't let them, I can't. If they knew what I go through everytime one of them looks at me, everytime one of them whispers my name. If my friends understood that I know the only reason they are with me is because of my facade. If they knew the truth, if they knew about my impurity, they would drop me in a heartbeat.

But they will never know. They can't. They cannot know that their savior is in fact the cause of his own demise. Only Luna does not worship me like I am some sort of god, but that doesn't mean she has full faith in me. I wish, I wish just this once I could tell her that I can't do this. I wish I could not care when her eyes spark with hope everytime another Death eater falls in battle. I wish someone would understand.

But they don't see. They do not see my pain. They do not see my suffering. They do not see my fear. They do not see my misery. They do not see that I am unsure. They do not see that I can die. They do not see that I am human. They don't even see me.