Jyoushiro Drabble
PG13
Summary: From Koushiro's point of view, sometime after 02. Some thoughts on Jyou, their relationship, and general things.
I honestly can say I do not know where I stand with Kido Jyou. He is possibly the closest friend I have, and yet...there is a certain something that strikes me as odd when we are together. He blushes, he stammers...if I was someone else, I'd say he had a crush on me.
Of course, that could just be wishful thinking. Just because I myself prefer the same gender doesn't mean Jyou does. And it isn't as if I've told him about it, either. As I said, he is my closest friend, and I do not wish to lose him over a matter so trivial as my sexuality. I mean...I would not lie if he asked me, but...it has become a matter of don't ask, don't tell. It's one of the few secrets of mine that he doesn't know.
Kami, I sound like a schoolgirl. With pigtails. I don't need Jyou to love me. I don't even need his friendship. I don't need him to make me wonder about what he would be like to kiss, either.
The fact that I want these things makes me wonder, both about myself, and about love in general.
I am supposedly cold and factual. One cannot always be so, however, and Jyou takes me far, far away from that, something that once I would have hated him for.
I guess that I have grown some since then.
It doesn't make any sense. I shouldn't love him. I shouldn't have to wonder about what he feels towards me. He shoudn't matter this much.
But...he does.
This fact leaves me lost. It doesn't make sense logically, and the enormity of it all staggers my mind. I didn't even realize I was falling until it was too late to catch myself.
I suppose...now I am waiting for him to catch me.
I do not know if he cares, and it hurts, surprisingly enough. I want him to return this feeling.
In the end, though, I am still Izumi Koushiro. Short and thin, a bit sarcastic at times...I don't know what he sees in me as a friend, much less as a...a...
Kami, I can't even say the word now.
Maybe, tomorrow, I will tell him. Or maybe I will lose my nerve again, and watch him when he isn't looking, and try to pretend that he means nothing more to me. It's worked before.
And maybe...maybe he will figure it all out, and save me the trouble of trying to catch his attention and failing, time after time after time...
I will not worry. What will be will. But there are so many ways for this to fail, and so few paths that leave me unscathed.
I have always put my faith in my own intelligence. But...I honestly can say I do not know where I stand.
