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Chapter Eleven - Facing The Truth

Lucian left the caves, his breath frosting in the chill air. Sunlight bounced back up at him from the snow covered ground and he shaded his eyes against it. Though he could be out during daylight, he felt much more at home during the night, when shadows came alive and the whispering of the wind seemed to hint at long guarded secrets.

It didn't take him long to see that Olivia would be easy to track. He didn't even need to catch her scent, as snow had fallen during the night and her footprints were easy to spot; they were so much smaller compared to the Lycan prints that dotted the landscape and he was glad to see that no other prints followed hers. Though Lucian felt that his leadership could keep her safe within the caves, out here, there was no guarantee. He could not keep track of every Lycan that came and went, and the younger ones…they still had much to learn about controlling themselves.

She hadn't wandered far. He found her standing on a small rise, her bare arms hugging her slender body as the frost bitten wind whipped through her fiery curls. She was staring off towards a spot that, he knew, at night blazed with city lights. She liked to come out here now and then to look down at the sparkling city. He imagined she was remembering the home, the life, that she had been dragged away from against her will. Lucian worried sometimes that she hated him for it; the disruption to her world that he had caused.

"I know you're there." She didn't turn towards him, but her head tilted up and he could easily envision the defiant jut of her chin.

Lucian quietly moved up behind her, "You shouldn't be out without a coat, Olivia."

"I'm not a child." Her words came fast and sharp.

"Believe me, I know you're not." He let a curl twine around his finger. "Why did you leave the caves. You know it's not safe for you to be alone."

"Is it any safer for me to be surrounded?" She shot back, but she didn't move away from him and Lucian took that as a good sign.

"Are you hurt?" He deftly ignored her last comment. Taking off his jacket, Lucian wrapped it around her shaking shoulders, pulling her back against him.

Olivia gave a self-deprecating laugh, "Only my pride…and my ass."

They stood that way for awhile, Lucian holding her, passing some of his own warmth off to her. Gradually her shivering subsided and Olivia turned around to face him. Lucian was surprised to see tears welling in the sapphire depths of her eyes.

"I was so scared, Lucian." She whispered, leaning her forehead against his chest.

The emotion that flooded him pierced his heart and he hugged her closer. "I would never let anything happen to you, Olivia. You must believe that. If I'd had any idea Selene was going to…"

"It's not your fault. Or hers." She placed her icy fingers against his warm lips to stop the tide of words, "It's not the first time that my mouth has gotten me into trouble, but I've always been able to take care of myself. This time I couldn't and that's what frightened me so much."

"I won't put you in a situation like that again…"

She shook her head, pulling away from him a bit. "No, Lucian. That's the problem. Neither of us can ever know when something like that is going to happen and as long as I'm in your world, the threat is always going to be there."

"I can't just let you go, Olivia." Lucian shook his head, "I can't take that chance. It's only a matter of time before the Vampyres find out about you and when they do, they'll come looking for you."

Olivia was quiet for a moment, staring off at some point beyond his shoulder. When she spoke again, her words startled him and a cold dread filled his belly.

"If you won't let me go, Lucian, then there's only one other thing you can do."

"No." He stated bluntly, stepping away from her.

Olivia blinked. She hadn't been expecting that answer. "What do you mean, no? You have to see that it's the only way…"

"I said no, Olivia. I won't do it."

"Then I'll just ask someone else to…"

"You will not!" He shouted, "I will not stand for it."

"I don't think it's your decision to make, Lucian. It's my life…"

"Yes, it is your life we're talking about here and I won't let you make such a rash decision!"

"Rash? I could have died back there, Lucian. In a split second! If you won't let me go back to living my life as a normal human, then the least you could do is give some means of protecting myself against your kind!"

"You have no idea what you're asking, Olivia." He replied angrily, turning and pacing away from her.

"Yes, I do."

"No, you do not!" He flung the words back at her over his shoulder, "How many times, Olivia, have you had to fight against those whose sole purpose in life is to see the end of your race? How many times have you been forced to flee and hide in hovels not fit for habitation by even the lowliest of creatures? How many times have you had to run and leave your brethren, knowing they were going to die horrible, torturous deaths?"

Lucian's voice rose with every word he spoke, but instead of causing her to cower in fear, his anger only fueled her own. "If you force me to stay with you, I will have to experience all those things and more, until I'm killed. And killed I will be, not having the means to protect myself!"

He moved so quickly that within the blink of an eye, he was before her, grasping her arms in a painful grip and lifting her so her feet dangled above the ground. "Look at me now, in the full light of day, and tell me you still want this life!"

Olivia's heart pounded in her chest, yet she refused to turn her eyes upon his face, not wanting to see him that way. Lucian shook her, causing her teeth to snap together.

"Look at me, Olivia!" He roared and she looked, fearful of what he would do if she refused him again. Tears fell from her eyes, blurring her vision as she took in his luminescent eyes that blazed with blue fire. Lucian growled, his lip curled back to reveal razor sharp teeth meant for ripping flesh from bone.

"Do you want to spend your life like this? Hunting prey, animal and human alike? Running them to the ground and feasting off their living flesh in order to keep yourself alive?" Lucian's voice was impossibly low now, hypnotic even, as he spoke to her. "And this isn't a full transformation. You've seen what a Lycan looks like in full form. Do you want to be that?"

Olivia could only shake her head at him as sobs welled up from her chest. Lucian flung her away and she stayed where she fell, feeling the cold seep into her bones. He struck out with his fists and snow dusted his shoulders as the tree he'd taken his anger out on trembled violently, skeletal branches shivering in the sudden deathly silence that had fallen over the forest. He held his hands out and stared down at the cuts that now covered them.

"Do you know, Olivia, how many lives I've taken? How much innocent blood these hands have spilled?" He whispered, pain lacing his voice. "Sometimes I wonder why you even allow me to touch you and I think it's because you don't know what I've done…how many deaths can be laid on my head. I've not wanted to tell you, for fear you'd turn away from me in disgust and I don't think my heart could take it, if that happened."

Olivia watched in morbid fascination as blood dripped from his wounds, staining the pure snow in bright, scarlet patches. She was shocked by his actions; by the violence and anger that he'd just shown her. She was afraid to move, wary of what he might do next. She'd never seen him lose control of himself before, never seen that other side of him. Though she'd always known it existed, she'd been able to pretend that it hadn't…up until now.

"Go back to the caves, Olivia. Stay in our chamber until I come for you."

For once, she didn't fight him and Lucian was glad. He was weary; his energy drained from the fight it'd taken to keep himself from fully turning. He still wasn't completely healed and, as he watched Olivia run from him, he wondered if he'd done the right thing in denying her request. He wondered if he'd be able to protect her the way he'd promised her he would.

And he wondered what would happen to his soul, whatever small bit of it that might be left, if he couldn't.