Chapter 13

By Crystal

Author's Notes: [Tomoe Ayanami] This fic won't be K/T, but I will be writing a K/T. I've already started the prologue for it. I might post it soon, but I'm rechecking everything, the dates and stuff so I don't mistake anything. This fic will most likely not be a K/T fic since Tomoe is already dead, and I don't want to bring her back alive. But my K/T fic will take place in the Bakumatsu where Kenshin is still known as the Battousai ^^;; [Everyone] Thanks for reviewing! Soujiro/Toshiko and Kenshin/Tomoe in this chapter ^^.

*Screw the disclaimers ^^;;*

The next day came with everyone lacking sleep, especially Kenshin. Toshiko had woken up a little later after she fell asleep due to exhaustion and had not slept since then. Soujiro had taken a nap but had woken up when Toshiko had and stayed up comforting the weeping, tired and sad Toshiko. Toshiko had to fake sleep in order to get Soujiro to sleep and once he did, which was already four o'clock in the morning, she lit a candle and began reading Tomoe's journal.

Kaoru had not fallen asleep until three o'clock. Megumi had gone back home and so had Sanosuke. Yahiko was shocked at the discovery that Kenshin had killed his wife and child, but soon fell asleep after midnight came.

It was five-thirty and Toshiko had finally finished reading the journal. And she put all the pieces together. Basically, Kenshin had killed Kiyosata-san [or was it Kiyosato? I can never get it right damn it] when he was the Hitokiri Battousai, then Tomoe went on a mission to kill Kenshin, but instead saw the young boy behind the eyes of the most feared assassin and beneath his walls. Then they faked a marriage and were sent to Otsu as a married couple because it was less suspicious and their feelings grew for each other.

Tomoe betrayed Kenshin, Kenshin was ordered to kill her which he wasn't going to, nor did he plan to. But...Tomoe had stood in the sword's way at the last minute because she didn't want Kenshin killed. Her sister forgave Kenshin and risked her life to save her husband. Tomoe had loved and forgiven his husband, why couldn't she? She wasn't the one killed, and the one killed had already forgiven him. She definitely owns Kenshin an apology. Definitely.

She stood up and pushed open the shoji and Soujiro woke up and grabbed her arm. She gave him a smile and whispered him, "Don't worry, Soujiro. I own my brother-in-law an apology. I'll be right back in a few minutes." She picked up the mirror and a bottle of white plum perfume before she walked out silently and slid the shoji door shut.

As she walked out, Soujiro relaxed, he would not have to say anything anymore. Everything was going the way he wanted it to be. 'Thank you, Kami-sama.' He thought to himself and waited patiently for Toshiko to come back, he might even be lucky enough to hear some of the conversation.

Toshiko had slid the shoji leading to Kenshin's room open and saw him crouched in the middle of the room holding on what seemed to be a dagger. She saw tears silently rolling down and she was terribly sorry. She had caused this mess. She had caused his tears. She went over to him quietly and put the diary in front of him and hugged him from behind, "Gomen nasai, Himura-san. I hope you forgive me. Read Tomoe's journal, she would have wanted you to read it, a lot of the stuff was written for you to read."

Kenshin lifted his head up a bit, "Tomoe?" He whispered, his voice dry.

"Iie...It's Toshiko. I'm sorry."

"Iie...I'm the one who should be sorry." He held his hands up and looked at them, disgusted. "I hate my existence. I killed Tomoe. I stole her happiness. I screwed up your family. Even Enishi hated me." He paused, "He still hates me, so I have no problem with you hating me either. I shouldn't be living...I don't have the right. I've killed hundreds...Why am I still alive then?" He took a breath and whispered, more to himself, "Because Tomoe saved me...Because she risked her life to save me."

Toshiko crouched down in front of him and grabbed his hands, "I'm sorry Himura-san. I'm sorry for snapping at you. Tomoe...she's forgiven you, and I forgive you too. She wasn't expecting to go back down the mountain alive thirteen years ago. She never did, and I'm sure she didn't regret saving you. She loved you, she would've wanted you to be happy."

"She shouldn't have saved me, she should've let me die. Then Enishi would have two sisters instead of one. And I don't even know where he is anymore." Kenshin traced his cross scar with his fingers. "This scar...it reminds me of your sister, did you know that?"

Toshiko nodded, "Enishi...you don't have any idea where he is?" Kenshin shook his head a muttered an apology. "It's okay, I wasn't expecting you to know it. Don't worry about it, okay?" Toshiko gave Kenshin one last hug, "Read the journal, and come see me in our room when you're done. I want to talk to you then. I'll see you later, Himura-san."

"Kenshin." Kenshin insisted.

"All right...I'll see you later...Himu...Kenshin." She turned around and put down the mirror and perfume in front of him, "You might want this too." Toshiko gave a cheerful smile and left. But before she was out of hearing range, she heard, "Toshiko, keep that cheerful smile on your face, it looks pretty on you. Your sister...I've only seen her smile twice..." when she went back to her room thinking about Kenshin's last statement, she was greeted by a smiling Soujiro when she came back.

"I know... How was it?" Soujiro asked, he had not heard the whole conversation, but most of it anyhow.

Toshiko replied, "Not too bad, anyhow, I'm going to catch a bit of sleep, it'll be at least an hour until Kenshin finishes reading the journal, want to join me?" Soujiro nodded and embraced Toshiko and they fell asleep just like that, holding on to each other, not bothering to lie in the futon or anything. When Kenshin entered, he would be VERY surprised at what he would see.

Meanwhile, Kenshin was already at the third entry, reading about Tomoe's feelings for Kiyosato Akira. [It's Kiyosato] 'Tomoe...you really loved him. Gomen nasai...for taking away your happiness. If only...If only I had listen to shisho fifteen years ago, then it wouldn't have ended like this. If only...I had listened to him, I would have never known you or anyone. I would've never been known as the Hitokiri Battousai. Gomen nasai. Even though no matter how many times I apologize, it won't be enough.'

Her feelings for Kiyosato Akira went on for fifteen minutes, until he saw splotches of dried blood on the pages.
His blood from the scar thirteen years ago when he had first picked up the journal...
His blood from the scar thirteen years ago...
His blood from the scar...
His blood...
He looked down and read the entry he had thirteen years ago, that day when he had killed his beloved...

'On a street in Kyoto, he became a person never to return. I am on a mission to kill the Hitokiri Battousai.'

'The Battousai, I found out is nothing but a child wielding a weapon, I fainted due to the sake last night and fell unconscious in front of him. Himura Kenshin is his name. He brought me to the Ishin shishi hideout. Now I will be able to kill him...'

'Himura...he's...not what he seems, he isn't cold-blooded at all. He came from a mission tonight, and he's still washing his hands. I hear the water now, I think it's been his eighth bucket tonight. The scar Kiyosato gave him...It's still bleeding.'

'He tries to be unemotional, but I can see through him. He is human like all of us. Just like all of us. He's a child, a child that has lost his innocence long ago. You can't blame him, having to be the Ishin shishi assasin, having a black envelope coming almost every two days.'

'He slept by the window today, and I thought he'd catch a cold, so I covered him with my scarf, but... He woke up and held his katana to my throat. I can't help but think how bad his childhood was. He probably never had any parents, or else he wouldn't have turned into the Hitokiri Battousai.'

'I don't know what to make of this... He hasn't gotten a black envelope for a few nights, and I can't help but feel relieved. It's definitely nothing to do with someone else dying... It has to do with this, child, washing himself and scrubbing his hands raw after each assassination. I can't stand and watch him like this.'

'Katsura-san has offered me to be Himura's sheath. I don't know if I can't do it. He says someone has to hold the Battousai in, and I am able to do that. I don't know, I'm confused, I was suppose to be on a mission to kill this man. But... I can't anymore, I had plenty of chances, when he sleeps. I could've killed him and left. But... why can't I do that?'

'I've asked him to come drink sake with me tonight, he brought me there and we had a decent conversation, and I saw him kill...a group of Shinsengumis in front of me. I had told him that a sword needed a sheath, he looked at me as if I was crazy. I think... I will accept what Katsura-san said and be his sheath. He can't carry on like this. He's going to regret it one day. We are on our way to Otsu... as a newly weds. Katsura-san sent me away with Himu...no, Kenshin to Otsu. He said newly weds aren't as suspicious, and I must agree.'

'Kenshin...Why do you have to be so nice when you're not killing? I can't even bring myself to kill you anymore! Iizuka-san came today and I left to tend the daikons you wanted to plant, I don't like him much, he's Ishin shishi's traitor. When he left, he told me I was the wife of a medicine seller.'

'The medicine went better than I thought it would, you seem peaceful when you're not killing, Kenshin. I can't bring myself to kill you today, maybe tomorrow... or maybe I won't be able to bring myself to kill you anymore.'

'Enishi came to visit. I'm afraid, I don't want anyone hurting you at all. Not even myself. I will do whatever to protect you, even if it means my life. Akira would have agreed with me. He would understand me. I can't... I can't bring myself to even think of killing you!'

''Kimi wo mamoru', you told me that today. I have also left my tanto at home. When you asked about it, I was surprised...but... I have changed since four months ago. I no longer despise you. I no longer even have a little hate against you. No hate at all.'

'Anata...Aishiteru. I really love you, I'm serious... I, even myself can't bring myself to look at the truth. I love you. I, I didn't regret what happened last night. I couldn't, you were so innocent last night. I told you about Akira, and you told me about your life. And... then... I couldn't hold it any longer. I knew what I felt towards you was no longer hatred, but love. And I wanted you, anata. And you responded. You told me you would protect me and my happiness. Ironic, because you were the one who stole my happiness first. But... you replaced it with another happiness... I remember smiling at you for the first time after you said you would protect my happiness. Anata...Aishiteru.'

'Toku-kun...you're always playing with Toku-kun. I wonder if that's what you are going to do when we have our own child. If we ever have one. You always tell me how much you enjoy this life in Otsu. You're finally out of your own protection walls, always laughing with the children and giving me hugs and kisses, even though I never smile, I know you know how I feel. Those hugs and kisses, I cherish them. I don't ever want my time with you to end...but... I don't know if that will happen. I... I don't know if this will last... I know you didn't like your Battousai life, neither did I, I hope we can stay here forever...'

'I've tried smiling in the mirror this morning when you weren't here, but... It looks very pretty on me, but for some reason, it doesn't look right. You've always commented on my sad smile, but you know that I'm not really sad anymore. With you, I'm not sad... I'm the happiest women in the entire world.'

'Guess what? I went to the doctor's and I'm pregnant! I've sent a letter to Toshiko, I believe it's the only and last one I'm going to send to my family. I can't possibly tell them I fell in love with the man that killed my fiancée! But I have no regrets. When I see you playing with Toku-kun, I imagine Toku-kun being our son, only with darker red hair than you. Maybe even with a ponytail like his father. A son, definitely a son... I would name our son Kenji, with the word 'sword' in it, just like his father. What would you say, anata?'

'I hope this life in Otsu would last long. Kenshin still doesn't know about me being pregnant, I don't know what to say, how he will react. I don't want him to want me to abort our baby. I want a baby with him, to remind me that this isn't just a dream that I will wake up in any second. I will tell him tomorrow. The baby is one month and a half already, Kenshin has a right to know. Aishiteru, anata.'

'I don't have time to tell Kenshin about being a father anymore. This will be my last journal entry... Kenshin, by the time you read this, I don't know when that will be... Soon, I hope. I have forgiven you about Kiyosato. I have no regrets being married to the Hitokiri Battousai. No regrets being the Battousai's woman. I... when you read this entry, you most likely have read the ones in the front, which means you know I am pregnant. I really love you.'

'I was so happy when you had said you were going to protect me and my happiness. I can't put my happiness in words, neither can I now. Only, I hope you read this entry soon, because... If you kill me, due to whoever ordered you to, I will forgive you. It was my fault alone that I came to want to kill you, but in the end, I didn't, because I had seen the real person under all those protective walls you had built around yourself, and I am sure that I was the only one to break through them. I feel honoured. One last thing... Iizuka is the Ishin shishi traitor, he wants to get rid of you, anata. Watch out for him and tell Katsura-san.'

'Tell everyone I was sorry I betrayed Ishin shishi and... I'm sorry, anata. I'm sorry for lying to you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't have told you about the baby earlier, but I can't do it now, if I do it now, you'll become suspicious and you won't let me out of your sight, and if you do that, I'll put you in danger too. I will die, whether by your hands or not, and if I do, I will smile one last smile to you. You love me smiling, didn't you? If I die, I will watch over you in heaven, or hell. And when you die, I'll be by your side. Zutto. Gomen nasai anata... and aishiteru.'

'Sayonara... Second man to love me...'

Kenshin closed the journal, his room was filled with the smell of white plum already, due to the bottle of perfume Toshiko had given him. He had also remembered that the mirror was the one he had bought for Tomoe when they had first moved to Otsu. Such lovely memories... But they were only memories, no more than that. Tomoe had loved him and had done what she said she would in the journal. She gave him a last smile, the second one he saw. But it still didn't change the fact that he killed her. But... She had loved him for a long time... She had forgiven him even before she had known what was going to happen. She had saved him from death and given him life. Showed him what live really was. He was sure never to forget her, but for now...

He stood up, it was time to see Toshiko, it had been an hour and about twenty minutes since he'd last seen her.

Author's Notes: Finally finished this chapter! Thank you to all those that's been sticking with me the whole time reading and reviewing. I thank DiaBLo, Shuro, Seta-Yukiko, Chris Kugler, Chibigreen Tanuki, Naomi, L. Sith, Tomoe Ayanami, EK and Magia. Thanks for all your support and Chapter 14 will be coming along soon. Sayonara, minna!

Shoji - Traditional Japanese sliding doors
Kami-sama - God
Gomen nasai - I'm very sorry
Iie - No
Daikon - White radish
Kimi wo mamoru - I will protect you.
Tanto - Tomoe's dagger
Anata - What wives calls their husbands
Aishiteru - I love you
Zutto - Always