Chapter 19

By Crystal

*Screw the disclaimers ^^;;*

The second Kenshin closed the gates and turned around, he saw Toshiko beginning to cry and break down.  "Toshiko?"  He said uncertainly, he had no idea what had made her cry so much all of a sudden.  Wasn't Toshiko suppose to be at the Akabeko working?  Why was she here?  "Kaoru-dono!"  He yelled, better for Kaoru-dono to console her than him, he was totally clueless if you put a crying woman in front of him.

She shook her head quietly, "Daijoubu...  Don't... wor-ry... about... me, Ken...shin."  She said between sobs.  Kenshin was utterly confused.  She was really fine this morning before she had went to work, then she sudden comes home early from work and starts breaking down.  He whipped his head around to see Kaoru when he heard her footsteps.

"Kaoru-dono..."  Kenshin said, while supporting a bit of Toshiko's weight.  Kaoru's look on her face was pure confusion.

"Toshiko?  Daijoubu ka?"  Kaoru asked, worried about her friend's condition.  She'd never seen her like this since she's met her a month and a little more ago...  Except that time with Soujiro...  But that was a whole month ago.  Why now?

Toshiko closed her eyes tightly and she looked like she was in pain.  "Daijoubu."  She paused.  "I guess...  I was thinking about the past again."  Another pause.  "I'm fine...  Don't worry..."

"Aren't you suppose to be working at the Akabeko?"  Kaoru asked suddenly.

"Yes..."  Toshiko replied slowly, "Tae-san said I should go out more, so she made me go out with Mokaku-san."  She smiled suddenly as a memory appeared out of nowhere.  "Ah...  Mokaku-san gave me this ribbon."  She pointed at the ribbon tied to her hair.  "What do you think?"  She asked, trying to sound cheerful, and somewhat succeeding.

Kenshin's eyes narrowed at Hitzumi Mokaku.  So, it was him again.  It was getting on Kenshin's nerve.  No fighting ki in him, no proof leading him to the Juppon Gatana and he couldn't just tell him to stay away from Toshiko.  Toshiko would certainly ask what was wrong, then he'd have to tell the whole story and then everyone would be in danger.  "Mokaku...dono made you cry?"  Kenshin asked.

Toshiko's face had disbelief written all over her face.  "Of course not!  Mokaku-san would never make me cry."  She raised her eyebrow a bit, acting like she always had, acting like nothing was wrong.  "Ken-nii, Mokaku-san's been nothing but kind to me, don't mistake his kindness for something else."  She smiled a bit.  "Anyhow, I'm fine now.  I just need a hot bath and I'll be fine.  Ja ne Kaoru, Kenshin."  She waved and ran towards the bath house, hoping that she was able to keep up her fake façade up until she got inside.

Before she got inside, she threw a few pieces of wood in the fire to warm up the water.  After that, she went inside and nearly collasped on the floor.  Toshiko was downright confused.  So...  Soujiro left me.  For another woman.  So what?  she asked herself.  I don't care.

Sure you don't.  That's why your crying so much and nearly collasped on the floor.  That's why you're in the bath house right now.  Trying to run away from the truth.  You are such a wuss, Toshiko.  Her own voice told her.  She hated herself.

So what if I care?  I just don't understand...  Why?  Am I really that ugly?  Am I really that ungraceful?  Am I really that weak?  Probably because I'm weak that Soujiro doesn't like me...  He is, after all, Tenken no Soujiro.  What makes me think that he'll settle for a normal girl like me?  If he was to like someone, he would at least love someone like Kaoru that knows how to protect herself, at least.  He would probably like someone more graceful and beautiful...  Like that woman I saw today...

But if Soujiro didn't like me, then why did he have to kiss me that second day we met?  Why did he say that he loved me that night a month ago?  WHY?  I don't understand.  He could have just pushed me away, but why make it harder for me?  I don't get it...  I really don't.  The least he could have done was told me the truth and not let me suffer as long.  Maybe then...  We could have still stayed as friends.  That would be painful for me...  But, it won't hurt as much.

She went into the hot bath slowly and relaxed.  Even after all this hurt, I still love him.  I still do and I think I will... until the end of time.  I've often tried to stop thinking about him during the past month since he left, and it's been getting harder and harder, even without seeing him.  I miss his sweet smile, even if it was his usual one he rarely let down in front of another, I miss the laugh his voice makes, I love the way he holds on to me protectively.  I love the way his eyes twinkle when he laughs and the way he kisses me.

It's just not fair.  Why did he leave me?  Why me?  It seems like everyone I've come to love with all my heart leaves me.  Fourteen years ago, my dear sister Tomoe.  Fourteen years ago, my brother Enishi.  Two months and about a week or two ago, both my parents.  A month ago, Soujiro.  My first love and most likely my last.  I don't think I'm too interested to get into another love life anymore, after what happened to this one.  It'll be a shadow lurking around my heart for my whole life.  Who knows how long before I lose Kenshin, Kaoru, Megumi, Tokio, Sanosuke, Yahiko, Sae-san and Tsubame?  For all I know, it could very well be tomorrow.

I just don't get it sometimes.  Why did love have to be so complicated, so painful, so annoying, so... confusing?  Lots say that love is perfect, but I don't see mine perfect.  What I see is my heart breaking into pieces that not even the best glue can fix.  People say that it is better to have loved for a while than to never have loved.  I'm sure this statement was said by either people that were never loved or that were loved and never had their hearts broken.  Me?  I personally think... Maybe it would be better if I never loved Soujiro.

If I had never met him, I wouldn't be so much in pain.  If I had never met him...  I'd still be at the stupid brothel.  I feel my heart ache.  I hate myself.  It's really killing me...  I have trouble breathing...  I'm scared.  Of what?  Of this whole stupid thing.  I'm scared that Soujiro loves that woman.  Which has already been proven...  I'm scared that someone else I love leaves me.  I'm scared that Soujiro REALLY loves that woman.  I'm scared that he's never coming back to me...  I would rather he come back to us and ignore me.  I would choose that over not seeing him for so much days and then seeing him with another woman.  But then, I had to admit...  They did look like a true couple together.

Me?  Maybe I was never the right woman for him.  Maybe he never loved me.  Maybe...  Who knows?  For all I know, Kenshin could be the man for me.  Toshiko snorted to herself.  Yeah right.  My brother-in-law as a husband.  I think not.  Anyhow, Kaoru likes him.  So that option's out.  Sanosuke...?  Oh brother, don't make me crack up.  It's obvious he and Megumi loves each other.  Yahiko?  He's way too young, even if he is mature most of the time except when he and Kaoru argues, but he has Tsubame.  And that, leaves me alone.

Whatever I think, I can't change the fact that I still miss Soujiro...  I miss him so much.  The pain is getting more unbearable by the second...  It's getting really hard to breathe.  I just want to die... I'm serious.  I'm not the kind to kid about death. 

A soft knock was heard.  "Toshiko.  Are you okay in there?"  She heard her brother-in-law's voice and smiled.  God how she loved him.  As a brother, of course.

Toshiko took a deep breath, "Aa...  I'll be coming out soon, Kenshin."  Even if it was hard to breathe and she wanted to stop now, she couldn't.  She could still bear it for now, maybe it'll get better.

* * * * *

Soujiro had almost lost his temper once again on the walk back to the Tokyo hideout.  With Kiya trailing behind him and asking him questions he did not want to answer, it was too much, even for Tenken no Soujiro.  He had just seen someone he loved with someone he hated, acting as friends.  Her life was in danger and that made his blood boil.  How had the Juppon Gatana gotten information about Toshiko, he would probably not find out.

Damn it.  Soujiro cussed, he was in the bath house, trying to calm himself.  It's been the second time in his entire life that he almost gave himself in to his anger.  He was weak.  Soujiro gritted his teeth and tried to relax himself.  It was impossible.  He did not know how he still had not blown up yet.  The anger was getting to him.  The whole Juppon Gatana was so dead once he had his hands on them, except Kamatari-san and Chou.  Just before going into the bath house and calming himself down, he had gone to have a private chat with Kamatari-san and Chou, asking them to try to get a message to Saitoh-san.

The both of them did not ask a single question.  Seeing the hint of anger on Tenken's face was enough for both of them.  I am weak...  Strong people do not show emotions easily.  I am weak.  I will not be able to beat Uedo-sama if I am weak.  I'll show them, all of them.  I am not called Tenken no Soujiro for anything.  Himura Kenshin is not nicknamed Hitokiri Battousai for nothing.  Neither was Saitoh Hajime, third squad captain of the Shinsengumi during the Bakumatsu nicknamed the Wolf of Mibu for nothing.

Himura-san is even stronger than me and Saitoh.  And we're both the top swordsman in the whole Japan.  We're not going to lose this fight.  No way in hell are we going to lose.  No way in hell.  Soujiro got out of his bath and dried himself up.

* * * * *

Toshiko's heart was hurting even more than before, even if she did not show it.  It was slowly killing her, she knew.  She was currently holding on the piece of cloth that her love left behind a while ago, she had been since after the bath last night.  Except dinner, breakfast and lunch.  She had a sleepless night last night, but fortunately, she had no dark circles underneath her eyes.

Lunch had been over a little while ago.  Kenshin went out to buy tofu, Yahiko went out to help around a bit at the Akabeko, Megumi and Kaoru went out to the market and invited her, which she politely refused, Sano was probably gambling again.

She stood up on her feet, a bit tired from the sitting position she had been in for an hour and her feet were asleep.  She passed by the kitchen and looked inside.  There, on the cutting board lay a knife.  Nice and sharp, shining in the sunlight.  And it had to look so darned friendly.  Her pain was getting worse and she smiled at the sight of the knife.  Maybe... dying like this wouldn't be such a bad thing.  She wouldn't write a good bye in her journal or anything since she had written everything about yesterday in her journal last night.  They would understand.  She hoped they wouldn't blame her.  She was in pain.

With a happy smile, she took the knife in her hands and knelt on the ground, then proceeded to hold it to her own throat and closed her eyes.  Then, she moved the knife to her throat fast.

Pain...  Darkness... 

So...  This is the end...  Sayonara...  Minna-san...  Gomen naisai...  I know I'm weak...  But I can't help it...

EvaYasha – Life isn't always happy, but it should be.  Thanks for the review!

XenoMark – I agree, thanks!

Moonlight Prince – Arigatou!

Chiki – lol, that was mean, I know.  But I think this chapter was meaner ^^  I hope you liked this one!

Author's Notes:  I finally got off my lazy butt today, sorry for the delay!