Promise of a River
By: LadyRainStarDragon
Chapter 10: Musings of Identity
Rain owneth not ye Spirited Away.
Still not comedic . . .
Wind stirred the draping arms of the willow that stood by the river, causing them to dance in the air, rejoicing at the touch of her lover. I too, was affected by the warm breeze this late summer afternoon, pausing my carvings on the willow stick in my hand.
This was the kind of day that She would stray away from her mother, wander down to my river, and remove her clothing only to swim with the innocence of the three years she was in my slower moving shallows of late summer. At the time, I saw nothing wrong with it, people of all ages had bathed in me for as long as I was deep enough, and I would never let any wanderer take advantage of this little one. Her mother however, on the rare occasions she came looking for the child, was never happy about her unclothed state, even if she was only trying to please the mother by keeping her clothing dry. Really, trying to keep a three year old in clothes was like convincing Cat he was Dog.
Chuckling at the memory of the girl whose life I had once saved, I went back to my task. Shaving after shaving fell away, little curls of unnecessary baggage left in this peaceful spot to rot away and transform into something new. This project had taken shape nicely, and was nearly done, nothing left to do but the final touches. As this object had taken shape, so too had settled my feelings.
I tried to remember more of my life, from before her, but there was nothing. Even memories of the time I spent with her were few, and only came as they wished, phantoms that adored to tease me. With the time and distance between us, my remembrances had begun to dim again, fewer and weaker. With this, the need for something to busy myself during my increasing free-time became overwhelming. Hence, my decision on this project.
Yes, it was true that I could easily purchase one, but I had no wish to do so. In my opinion, if it was crafted by myself it would be a clearer channel for the expression of my soul. For others, it would have been fine to purchase their instrument of choice, lovingly crafted by a master musician. I, however, had experience carving flutes, and had almost always made my own. Or at least I thought so, it was one of those blank areas from before meeting my human that refused to focus for the memory.
My human, does that sound possessive or what?
I winced as memories of all the things I had stolen or the people I had hurt came back to haunt me. It had been so easy for the witch to control, plant little thoughts into my head to keep me bound to her. Thoughts of worthlessness and being weak, hopelessness at being unable to better my lot. Yearnings for something greater constantly had bothered me. That didn't include the dreams of the child that I had. The little human girl had been the one to weaken the spell, and even expel it completely.
I may be the Witch's thief and messenger boy, but I am much more than that. I was the master of a river once, and my magic had been powerful. It was proof for me that I could do better, and once I was free of this blasted contract, I would. I would make a good name for myself and repay the wrongs that I have done. This guilt that weighed on me was tiresome, and the things I had done were against my nature. Even my darker side had felt that way, even if only for having been manipulated into doing those deeds. On top of this was the guilt of failing my river, and the nagging sensation of almost having lost Chihiro to . . . something . . . someone.
'Blazes! Almost had it that time!'
The flute came to my lips as my eyes lost focus, singing its birth song, checking itself to find any flaws that needed refinement. The notes floated peacefully through the air, painting images to the mind of a small child who had danced and laughed at my side a summer so long ago. The flute, finding itself done properly, went on to sing of the child's growth without me, dreams of what she may have experienced before she touched this world.
In the time she had been here, she had freed the chained dragon, drawing him into the light again, taming him with soft eyes and a child's innocence. Emotions that had been long buried were unearthed, the nearly dead conscience yanked from its early tomb to gasp for breath, and the wounded heart beginning to heal itself beneath her unknowing ministrations. Loneliness, even if just for a little while, had been chased away. The flute and I sang of all of this, while the wind listened to me think.
Our parting had been bittersweet for me, unsure as I was if her parents would protect her this time the way they should. I wanted to follow her, hold her to my chest and shield her, keep her innocence intact and body free from harm. On the other hand, she was already a young woman trapped in a child's body, who had desperately been screaming for some measure of control over her world. Though only a girl-child, she had the spirit of a samurai, and I was certain she would one day make changes in her world for the better. I was proud of how much she had matured. My dreams for her would be hopeful, filled with success, wealth, friendship, strength, good health, longevity, honor, peace, and . . . love.
Could I wish her love? Yes, I could and I should. It was wrong of me to lust after keeping her to myself, to fantasize about stealing her away and hiding her where mortals could never experience the beauty of her soul. A life separated from all she knew, even if she were dressed only in finest silks and dripping with the richest gems, would be empty and meaningless for such a free spirit. I wished that one day she would meet someone who could support her, age with her, live with her, laugh with her, even if it were not me. I had missed my chance with her, not taking the opportunity with her in the garden or when we parted to lay claim to her, to make her mine in that aspect of herself. She was too young at the time, but it still would have been binding, just a short kiss would have been sufficient at the time.
I had not, and it was time to let go. These feelings were driving me mad, and I was slowly becoming cold again inside. She wouldn't want a thief for a mate anyway. I could wish and dream all I wanted, but what had it gotten me so far?
She was still young though, I didn't need to worry about this subject much for now. How old would she be? Ah, she would be about 17, that's right. Though in ancient times she would have been mated and reproduced already, in today's world she was still waiting. She would not be available for marriage until she had finished her schooling. Most people in Nippon these days were not married until their late twenties.
What did worry me was the fact that more women today were giving their virginity away before marriage or even engagement. In the past, a groom would make nightly visits to the bride-to-be after the proposal's acceptance, but only after the birth of their child or the death of her parents could they be considered wed. Personally, I thought this to be the best method, as it ensured the fertility of the pair. It was proper practice that the bride-to-be only gave herself to the groom during this time.
In fact, I had just recently talked to a tree spirit who had lost his Miko to the seduction of a fellow student in her school. It had been something called a date-rape, so it wasn't truly consensual in that case, or really even much of a seduction. What a dishonorable low-life, to take a woman like that. And according to this Ki-Kami, the boy had already moved on, leaving the Miko in a state of disgrace. Although the Kami would be happy to let her continue to serve him, the Daitoku of that Shrine had already driven her from her post.
Seduction was a fine art after all, and Ki-sama had also been trying to work his charms on the girl. The Miko had not realized that the comely stranger in green had been the one she served, and I wonder what would have happened if she had. It was the way I had wanted to work mine on Chihiro, to see if she would accept me, even not knowing what I was, and how part of me still wished to. There was something about her soul that drew me.
There were many other cases though that were consensual, girls even younger than that giving away their purity, and the state of the world worried me. Two more years and I would be free to go to her, to guard her and guide her in her life. I would keep watch over her and her children until the line was no more, loving them all, whether she chose me or not. That, I could do.
And tear apart any man that tried to take advantage of her, whether it was against the rules or not.
Did she even remember me, even if only in her dreams?
The musings of my flute took on a harder edge as the thoughts crossed my mind. Not liking the stirring of my darker self, the thought was stifled before he could rise. The one in my mind known as Haku had been put to sleep by the aspect called Nigihaymi after the tree's revelation over our sake. Judging by Haku's petulance, tendency towards violence, and . . . intense lustings after a certain human he felt affection for, that voice was an internal personification of my dark soul. This Nigihayami, bearer of my family name, must be then be my light soul, as he remained calm, centered, wise, and just . . . although he too held an odd level of affection for Chihiro. Something about that musing didn't feel quite complete however. Maybe he was more of what I had the potential to become?
If Nigihayami is possibly light or even potential, and Haku is dark, what does that make Kohaku? I no longer command a river and have not been given a new guardianship yet. I am a highly trained thief now, a sorcerer, a dragon, and will soon be leaving a position as a bath house apprentice. Yet, none of those is what I truly am.
What am I really?
Also, if my "I" is Kohaku, then what of Nushi? Or is he truly my light, and his non-presence the reason Yubaba so easily held sway over me? The juxtaposition of the names was intriguing. 'Haku against 'Nushi, 'Haku and 'Nushi, an odd balance in my personal name.
Where is the master that once bent the very waters of Kohakugawa to his every whim? Where is the "me" that was before Chihiro, who cared for the river and those in the regions around? Where is the history of Kohakunushi, and what is my proper place in my clan? Who are my parents and what do they look like now? The things that I should remember and don't are so strange, things that one would think everyone would know about themselves.
Would Nushi return once I was granted her guardianship if that was the Council's decision? Nushi, master, Kohaku, my river. Some spirits had to change their names when they took a new position, as you became what you watched over. Would my name then be Chihironushi, master of Chihiro? That name made my nose wrinkle in distaste with how over-possessive it sounded of a living being. Ok, maybe my name wouldn't be changed, or at least I hope not.
Please, Kami, don't let them change my name to that!
If I truly was fragmented, and managed to find a way to become whole, would I be able to stay whole? What if, once fragmented and then repaired, I was still stuck arguing with myself, over a new problem? Even worse, what if that was normal, and everyone was really that way, but hid it?
The melody died with my thoughts, and finding the flute satisfactory, I occupied myself with carving a dragon twining around it, coiling about it the way I wished to coil around my human. This ornamentation would serve to mark this as my possession, and serving to busy idle fingers for now. It would also make the flute more appealing should I ever get the chance to seduce the maiden. Although I had talked myself into allowing her a choice, if such was to be had, I still wanted to take her for myself.
Somehow, I knew that if a chance was offered, I would take it, no matter how much rationalizing with myself I had done these many years.
"Wow, Kohaku. I didn't know you could play the flute so well. Did you make that?"
I had been so deep in thought, I hadn't heard Lin join me, and wondered how long she had been listening.
"Ah-ah."
"Articulate as Kaonashi today, huh? That usually means you've come to an important decision."
"You know me too well."
"You're my friend Kohaku, of course I know you. In a way, you're almost like my brother, probably why I enjoy picking on you so much. I don't remember if I had any, my childhood was too long ago."
"Do you realize how odd it is for a dragon and yourself to be friends, much less like adopted family?"
"Go figure, huh? Come on, Yubaba has an assignment for you, and she says quit scrubbing your scales for now."
"Why couldn't she just call me herself?"
"She tried, but you were too busy thinking and didn't hear her. Those mental blocks you've been working on must be getting better, because she was PISSED! It was almost as good as when you bleed on that awful carpet she has."
Clearing her throat in preparation, the itachi spirit did a really good imitation of the short-tempered sorceress.
"That conceited dragon! He ignores me more every day! Lin, drag that boy here by his tail if you need to, but get him here!"
Attempting a smile, as I knew Chihiro would want me to live happily, I looked at Lin as we went back.
"The carpet must die!"
"Now THAT's more like the scruffy Dragon-Boy that came here. But, what would Chihiro say if she ever found out about your vendetta against THE CARPET?"
"It's not just any carpet though. It's Yubaba's favorite carpet. I still don't get hazard pay, and since she doesn't stand a chance against me, it wouldn't be right to fight her over something simple. Far better to mess with her head."
"True. Maybe I should smuggle Bou some cherry juice, since he's spending so much time out of the nursery and exploring the office."
"No, not cherry juice. Blackberries are harder to get out."
"You're actually going to help me plan a prank? You're not as innocent as you act are you?"
She then remembered about what I had done to her hair and the static electricity bomb that had been waiting with my diary, answering her own question.
"Maybe, or maybe it's just because I'm still paying Yubaba back in ways that won't harm my contract and training."
Words:
Ki - tree
Reviewers:
sakura-no-hana-hoshi: Glad you like it. This one is tough for me.
Fyraga: We'll just have to keep reading his diary, huh?
NitenGale: Did you get the re-written version yet?
Avenging Neko Kira'Sha'Tect: Like the new moniker. Why'd they do it, a no-no? E-mail if you want it private and don't mind telling me.
Big book worm: I know, I cried after writing it. It took forever to come up with that correlation for 'Not Yet.'
MarianneLinley and SarahQuinn: Thanks, I bumped it up like you suggested.
Nikki Whitecraft: Thanks.
Only human: This is what happens next. Hope you like.
