Sorry that it took so long. I did have a lot of time to write, because I left school early each day last week because of mid terms, but unfortunately when I have midterms, I have no creativity. Sorry!
September 1st
Dear Journal,
And I wonder. If Tyler knew him then why don't I? We used to spend our whole days with each other. Maybe he didn't know him.
I dreamt about the night that he told me that he knew him. We were sitting outside on the swings in our backyard, and we were trying to see who would swing higher. We were talking about Harry Potter and how he was The Boy Who Lived. I said something and then he said, "I know Voldemort." Then I fell and sprained my ankle.
-Tammy
September 3rd
Dear Journal,
Maybe mom really didn't kill him. Maybe I was just seeing things. Maybe someone else killed him.
-Tammy
September 13th
Dear Journal,
It's the tenth day of classes and we already have tons of homework, too much to handle. I'm scared to think about how much homework we'll have around the O. W. L.'s.
-Tammy
September 19th
Dear Journal,
They say Sirius Black is a maniac.
Dad has pictures of him when he Black was still in school. I've seen them before. Sirius was pretty hot.
-Tammy
September 21st
Dear Journal,
I wonder if I'm really as different as I think I am. I wonder if I'm just too scared to fit in. I wonder if I wonder too much.
I wonder if Sirius Black really did do the crime that he was accused of. You can't always trust your eyes. It's like those muggle magic tricks. It looks like it's really magic, but it' all just some stuff that has to do with science, or mirrors, or just doing something so fast that nobody sees. They say that a lot of people saw Sirius Black kill Pettigrew, but did they really see him? I doubt that anyone dared to get close enough to really see what was happening. And if he really didn't kill him than he didn't do anything wrong. If Pettigrew is still alive, then he probably lied about Sirius betraying the Potters. And if he didn't do any of those things, then he practically had a right to escape from Azkaban.
I wonder if mom saw him when she was in Azkaban.
-Me
September 24th
Dear Journal,
I wonder if the reason I wonder so much is that I never have to spend my time doing things with friends, because I only have one friend in Hogwarts.
-Me
September 28th
Dear Journal,
Are you the only thing that keeps me from being totally boring?
-Tamara
September 29th
Dear George,
Are you the only person that keeps me from being totally boring?
-Tammy
September 30th
Dear George,
Are you the only person that keeps me from dying?
-Tammy
October 1st
Dear Journal,
Are you the only thing that keeps me from being totally boring?
-Tamara
December 1st
Dear Journal,
The answers to the 4 questions I asked earlier are: No, Yes, Maybe and No.
-Tammy
December 23rd
Dear Journal,
I have no idea why but I feel like I need to be separated from this journal for a while. I will see you in half a year, dear.
-Tammy
June 23rd
Dear Journal,
The OWL's were extremely hard, a hundred times harder than the usual exams. We've had so much homework, and without it, I bet I would have just thrown up in the middle of the exams.
And now it's time to leave again. 6th year is next year and I can't wait.
Kirk's graduation was today. It was so fun watching it. He invited me the second dad's car drove into the driveway.
Wow.
June 30th
Dear Journal,
Kirk drove me to where he would be going to collage. It's a really big place, only a bit smaller than Hogwarts.
Kirk asks me why I haven't gotten my driver's license yet. I tell him that I just don't feel like getting a driver's license when I could always drive around with him.
What else was I supposed to say? Witches don't drive cars. We fly broomsticks.
-Tammy
July 3rd
Dear Journal,
I went to the store and bought some boy clothes, the kind that I think Tyler would be wearing if he were alive. I don't care how much money I spent. Once I put on the blue tee shirt and black baggy pants, and once I put on the baseball cap and put all my hair into it, and once I took off all my makeup… I looked like a guy. I looked like Tyler would've if he were alive.
And when I was looking into the mirror, it looked like I was looking at Tyler.
When I went to Kirk's house for lunch, he did not recognize me at all. When I took off the baseball cap and let my hair down, he finally believed who I was. He asked why I was all dressed up like a guy, and I just shrugged and told him I wanted to see how I'd look like.
I slept over at house. He blew up an air mattress and I slept on that. We watched a movie and we turned it off at around midnight. We turned off the lights and he went to sleep.
But I couldn't get to sleep because I was wondering if Tyler was watching, and I was wondering why he died, and left me all alone.
Alone. That's the perfect word to describe me.
-Tammy
July 6th
Dear Journal,
Maybe Tyler is alive but he can't find me. I'm in a different place all the time. The summer before 3rd year I was in a little, unknown town in America. Then I was in Paris for two years, then in London.
And Tyler never got to Hogwarts so he has no idea where that is either.
-Tammy
July 10th
Dear Journal,
They never found his body.
I bet my mom knows where it is.
-Tammy
July 15th
Dear Journal,
Kirk says I've changed. I told him that people change. He says I sound sadder and emptier now. I say that I've been thinking. He says no matter how much I've changed, he still loves me. I nod and don't answer. He wants an answer but doesn't tell me. I know though.
But I don't love him.
-Tammy
July 18th
Dear Journal,
Here I am, moping around, thinking about my horrible life when there's 7 hundred million people on Earth and a lot of those people have had 10 times worse lives than me, and okay, I have problems, but I'm still lucky I'm alive and healthy. Really healthy (except for when my tattoo starts itching).
Kirk says that I suddenly seem very happy. I just smile and kiss him. But I'm pretending that I'm kissing George, and I'm wondering if I'm in love.
-Tammy
July 20th
Dear Journal,
Am I in love with George? No I'm not. Maybe this is how it's really like when there's only 4 people you ever really talk to. You don't know the difference between loving a boy friend, loving a best friend, or loving something like ice cream. And everyone that treats you well, you think you love, just because they actually treat you like a human.
I know I love George. In some way. I might love him in a way of a best friend, or just in the way someone loves ice cream, but I know I'd never want him to be my boy friend. Friends is perfect. There's no commitment involved and I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm a good kisser. Kirk says I'm a great kisser but who knows? Maybe he's just being nice.
Do I even know what love is? I used to say that you love someone if you can say you love them with no doubt in your mind. But sometimes people love someone and they just don't know it, and some people are just stupid and think stupid things. Some people are just wrong. Maybe you love someone if you have this good feeling whenever you're around them? But then what would be the true meaning of that song that goes 'I love you, I hate you…' I don't know why, but I guess there's no real definition for love. The dictionary says love is: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. Yeah that's technically what love is, but what is it really? And how do you know if you love someone?
This is so stupid. I'm 16 years old; I'm still a teenager. And I'm worrying about what love is. And I don't even- Well I do. I was going to write that I don't even have a boyfriend, but I guess I forgot about Kirk. Is he really even my boyfriend? Maybe he's just someone I kiss to get my mind off of things.
-Tammy
End of Chapter 5