A/N- this chapter contains mentions of suicide. you have been warned.
Everyone barely got into the car before Angel sped away like a mad man. No one knew the desperation that was inside of Angel to save Xander. Even though Xander got on his last nerve, he always wanted to keep him protected. Out of all the scoobies, Xander was the most fragile, and Angel took it upon himself ever since his arrival in Sunnydale to keep Xander safe. At first Angel just thought that it would be one more stamp on the redemption ticket, but it became so much more.

Angel had arrived a year before Buffy in Sunnydale. He had first gone to LA and saw that she had a watcher and was taken care of for now, so he thought of going on ahead and feeling around Sunnydale before she got there. When Angel got there he was surprised that with all these deaths in this one town by 'forks' that no one figured it out sooner. Then you had the kids walking around at night getting picked off and the others mourn and grieve but always come back out at night like nothing was wrong. He had first seen Xander walking with Willow and Jesse home from the Bronze one night and he followed them, killing any demons or vampires that tried to harm the trio. After Jesse and Willow said their good byes it was only Xander and he had to keep his guard up even more, now that he was alone. Xander would reach his house every time and looked behind him and smiled, like he knew that Angel was there. Angel never thought much about it. He thought that it was just that Xander was making sure no one was behind him. Then Buffy came and Angel made his presence known to them. Angel had let his guard down now that Buffy was here and it had cost him Jesse. Jesse had been turned and Xander had to kill him. Angel knew it tore Xander to the core that he had to kill one of his best friends. All Angel wanted to do was run to Xander and comfort him and apologize that he hadn't saved Jesse, but he never did.

Angel came out of his dream state as they past the welcome to Sunnydale sign. Angel took the quickest route to Xander's house that he knew. The house came into view and Angel could smell the blood from here from the two Harris'. Angel brought the car to a screeching halt and made a mad dash to the door that was wide open. Angel ran right into the invisible barrier that kept him from Xander.

" Xander!!!!!!!!!" Angel yelled as Cordy ran past him.

" Come in Angel!" Cordy shouted as she ran into the house. " AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Cordy screamed as she saw the two Harris' lying on the ground. While she froze to her spot Angel made a mad dash up to the bathroom, where he could smell more blood coming from.

" Xander! Open up it's me, Angel." There was no answer so Angel rammed down the door and looked at the curtain that covered the tub from view. Angel took a deep unneeded breath and pulled back the curtain.

" Xander!" Angel screamed as he saw the boy lying in a tub of ice cold bloody water. Angel heard the faint heartbeat and pulled Xander out of the tub and held him close, as he noticed the marks that lined his inner thighs. Angel howled and held the boy close and cursed all the scoobies for not noticing that Xander was hurting. Angel carried Xander out and grabbed a blanket and wrapped him up in it. " He needs a hospital right now."

Gunn watched as Angel carried the pale boy down the stairs. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion. Even as they raced back towards the car to get Xander to the hospital, it seemed like they weren't running fast enough and they were going to lose him. Lorne and Fred stayed behind to call Giles and inform him of the situation. Gunn was elected to drive as Cordy got in front with him, and Angel got into the back with Xander. Racing towards the hospital Xander fluttered his eyes open and saw Angel.

" Deadboy?" Angel looked down into Xander dark eyes.

" Yeah it's me Xander. We are taking you to the hospital, so you have to hold on ok?" Angel pleaded. Cordy looked back with tears streaming down her face. She may have not always been Xander's friend, but he didn't deserve to go through all this.

" Trying to redeem yourself for not saving him Angel?" Xander rasped out.
Angel looked down at him wondering how he knew about Connor. " Xander I didn't know you knew about Connor."

" Who is Connor?" Xander rasped out before he fell unconscious again. Angel felt for a pulse and gave
Cordy a reassuring smile as he had just past out, but Angel knew he was still losing a lot of blood. Angel gazed down at Xander again, when it hit him. He wasn't talking about Connor; he was talking about Jesse. Xander had known he was following them around that whole time. It started to make sense now, it all made sense.

After Jesse's death Xander was never the same, and then there came Angel swooping in with all his heroics and Xander treated him like crap. Now it all made sense. Angel had been protecting Jesse and him while they protected Willow and he had failed them. Then he started to date Buffy and Xander got hurt a lot more and was more hostile at Angel. Xander was never jealous that Buffy and him were in love, he was mad that he wasn't there watching his back anymore. Angel abandoned him and he made his opinion known. Angel felt blood tears fill his eyes. He had failed Xander and he never knew it till now. Angel glanced up at Cordy and gave her a look that said 'I will tell you later.' The car stopped in front of the hospital and Angel ran in with Xander.

" Someone help! He needs a doctor now!" A bed was wheeled in and he laid Xander on it as they removed the protective blanket that had held Xander.

"This man needs blood stat!" The doctor yelled as they wheeled Xander through the doors. He was just about to follow, when he felt a hand on him. He turned around to Cordy who just pulled him into a hug.

" He can't die Cordy, he just can't." Angel whispered as Cordy lead him to a seat where Gunn was already.

" He won't Angel." Cordy said with tears in her eyes. " That guy in there is stronger than any of us and he will survive." Cordy smiled sadly at Angel.

" I failed him Cordy. I failed him just like I did Jesse and Connor."

" What do you mean? How did you fail Jesse?" Cordy was puzzled on how he knew Jesse since he had died right before Angel showed up. " Jesse died before you came to Sunnydale, so you can' blame yourself."

" But I was there Cordy, I was there." Angel looked up into Cordy's questioning look. " I came a year before Buffy showed up and I saw how you all acted and took it upon myself to follow some of you around and keep you save till Buffy came. I saw some vampires going after Jesse, Willow, and Xander one night so I killed them and decided to follow them. Xander was the one that would end up home last and he always looked back behind him and smiled and shut the door. I never knew what it meant till now. Cordy he knew I was there. He knew I was protecting them as they protected Willow."

" Aww Angel." Cordy said as more tears filled her eyes. She remembered how Xander treated Angel as he started to date Buffy. Everyone one thought he just wanted Buffy, but it was never that. Xander was jealous that Buffy took Angel from him. He lost his protector and lost one of his best friends at the same time. More tears fell from her eyes as she leaned against Angel, hoping and praying that Xander would live.

A few minutes past and they were joined by the scoobies. It looked like Willow and Tara had cried the whole way over there and Buffy just wanted to kill something. " Who did this to the boy Angel." Angel looked and saw Spike with a solemn look on his face.

" He did this to himself Spike, but we do not know who killed his parents." Angel replied.

" Xander tried to hurt himself? He would never do that. He knows how much we love him; he would never hurt himself. He just couldn't leave me like that." Willow babbled out as she clung to Tara and Giles.

" Yes, why would Xander do such a thing? He knows we care for him." Anya said by her place beside Giles.
" This wasn't the first time." Angel said.

" WHAT?!" was the united reply from the scoobies.

" He had old marks on his legs, just like the fresh ones tonight. This time I think he went too far." Cordy sobbed as she held on to Gunn now.

" Umm, who here is family to Mr. Harris?" said a doctor coming out of the swinging doors.

" We are all his friends, so we are like his family, so you can tell us." Willow said.

" I am sorry but I can only release information to family members." Angel was off his chair and in the doctors face before anyone could say anything.

" Now you listen here doc." Angel said as he faced the doctor. " If you don't know already, his parents are dead, they were killed tonight. Any other family he has would not give a rat's ass what happened to him. We are all he has left. Can you please tell us if he is ok?" Angel pleaded with the doctor.

" Ok." The doctor said. " Xander suffered a dramatic blood loose that should have killed him. That combined with the temperature his body was when you bought him in, he should have never survived this long. He is hanging on to life by a thread. We are giving him blood to replenish him, but he is in a coma like state. We are not sure if he will ever wake up and if he does, it will be hard for him because of the trauma he has sustained before the suicide attempt. We pulled Alexander's Medical file and this isn't the first time he has been here because of blood loose. Anymore information about that I will need one of the guardian's signatures from this list we have. I'm sorry."

" Sir what names are on that paper?"

" Umm his parent's names then another male Harris, which I presume is an Uncle. Then he gave us one last name before. A Mr. Liam Angel." Gasps were heard as everyone looked at Angel.

" I am Mr. Liam Angel Sir, can you tell me?"

" Yes I can Mr. Angel. If you would please follow me, we will discuss everything on the way back to see Alexander." The others were just about to protest, but Angel growled at them and they all shrank back.

Angel was lead back the hospital halls and the doctor explained more on the way. " Alexander has been here before because of suicide attempts. The most Attempts we had from him were after a friend of his was murdered in '97 and then in '98 towards the end of his Jr. year in high school. He came in, in May first for a broken wrist, then came back a couple days later because of the suicide attempt." They stopped in front of the private room that Xander had gotten. The doctor looked straight into Angel's eyes when he talked again. " I know you are the one that hurt Alexander the last time." Angel looked at him with shock filled eyes, and then remorse filled eyes. " When he came in that time, all he kept on saying was that you were gone and you were never coming back, and it was all his fault. He said he told someone to kick your ass and you left."

Angel leaned back against the wall and took everything the doctor said in. Xander told Buffy to kick his ass. He was the reason why he went to hell. Angel could feel rage filling up but it was quickly subdued. Xander had to have another person he cared about killed because they were evil. Angel gazed into the room and realized how brave Xander really was. He had stood up to his childhood friend and killed him, and then stood up to Angelus and knew that he had to die even though it would take Angel with him. Buffy would have never killed him if she had hope he would have been Angel again. Xander took that burden on himself. He took the pain and hid it from everyone.

" Can I go in and sit with him please?"
" I think you should. He needs someone right now and I think you're it." The doctor smiled at Angel and told him he would be back soon. Angel went in and looked at all the machines that Xander was hooked up to. He walked over to the bed, and sat down next to it. He gently picked up Xander's hand, careful not to disturb the IV.

" Why Xander? Why would you not come to me? You could have come to me. No you couldn't I acted like I hated you and you hated me too, but you had a good reason to. I am so sorry Xander. I never should have left you and Jesse that night. I should have taken care of you two. Then after he died I should have been there for you, but I wasn't. Maybe you wouldn't be lying here now, if I had paid more attention to you. Please Xander don't go. I promise that I will be here for you now. I promise I won't leave you. I will stay y your side, and never let go of your hand, like I am doing right now. Xander please come back to me!" Angel sobbed into the bed. There were two bright sparks of light in the room as Angel looked up. " Doyle? Miss Calender?"

" Yes it is us Angel." Jenny smiled

" Yes man it's me." Doyle grinned at Angel.

" What are you two doing here? Are you here to take Xander?" Angel asked worryingly.

" You can only make that choice man." Doyle said.

" What do you mean that it's my choice?"

" It is your choice if Xander lives or dies."


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