Kingdom Farts

Note: While neither of the authors own Kingdom Hearts, both have played it and agree that we can't understand why anyone likes it. But this is a story. Enjoy it for what it is and review!

Chapter I: Of Firaga and Other Matters

Sora walked along the beach of a small, and rather crummy, island. Being a boy of about five, the only thing he could ever think to do was ask his mommy what to do. However, also being the survivor of a shipwreck, his mommy wasn't there. Instead, he turned to the next best thing: his girlfriend, Kairi.

As he walked along the beach in his clown shoes and rust colored, dead porcupine hair, he gazed upon the great wooden empire he and the others had built. As he looked, a single thought came to his mind:

Why is it that we can build that and not a boat?"

However, this intelligent thought was quickly beat down by his dominant and much more stupid side, and he walked on.

His overactive hormones led him to the familiar hangout of his girlfriend, if you wish to call her that, considering that he hated her. As they sat on the beach, a crudely animated moon was reflecting off the waters, constantly reminding them of the fake world in which they lived. But, more on that later.

Sora drew up the nerve to ask Kairi a question, a question that he had wanted to ask for a very long time.

"Have you ever wanted to get away from here?"

"Yes," she replied. "But if we did, then there would be no story to tell, and our writers would kill us."

"Then let's throw in a plot twist. Will you marry me?"

"No. You're too old for me."

And that was that.

Now on with the real story. And trust me, it's…um…different.

One peaceful day on the island, Sora was out playing in the ocean. He ran to the edge of the water, pulling off his shirt and shoes as he did, but only to several loud protests by the other characters. As he reached the shallows, he dropped a CD into his boom box he had made out of wood. But, out of that boom box came the loudest and most obnoxious sound he had ever heard.

When you walk away

You don't hear me say-

More than one brave islander gave his life in order to turn off that boom box, until finally, one with earplugs made of wood tossed a long range javelin made out of wood at it. He missed, but the idea was a good enough one to get the others to follow his idea. They all missed, but they made more javelins. They still missed. Finally, they sent Kairi (who was immune to obnoxious noises) to out scream the boom box, until it threw up the CD. The masses rejoiced.

Sora then replaced the CD with a new one (made out of wood). On it, the instructor gave the simple message of surviving life.

Breathe in. Hate Kairi. Breathe out. Run away from Kairi.

And the masses rejoiced.

He must not have known how to swim, because he drowned at least five times. Finally, there was one time when he did not resurface. The world went dark, and a cloaked figure appeared before him.

"Who are you?" asked Sora.

"You must open the door, Sora."

"You didn't answer my question."

"Get used to it. It happens a lot in this game."

"What door?"

"That door," he said, pointing at the only brightly illuminated door.

"Which one?"

"The one I just pointed to!"

"I don't get it."

The robed man sighed exasperatingly. "Look, kid, just open the door, don't ask questions, and no one gets hurt."

"How?"

"Hold off on that. We're saving it for the ninth game. All I can tell you now is that you need to bash little black blobs over the head with a giant key along the way."

"That seems pretty stupid."

"Get used to it. It happens a lot in this game."

And with that, the robed man vanished, leaving Sora to his endless questions.

Well? What did you think? Don't think it, review, now! Go!