There was a lot of which she needed to address. With a spirit of resolution riding on her shoulders, Inner Sakura and the nine-tailed fox demon silently sulking in the background, Sakura sat down at Naruto's kitchen table for some breakfast. Amongst all the ramen, she found an old bottle of ketchup that expired two years ago and was still good (it was, she considered, one of the many laws of reality: ketchup will never, ever go bad, no matter what the circumstance), and some old potatoes that looked ready to sprout a new crop.

Sakura dug up an old pot, and then rearranged his entire collection of cooking utensils and dishes. "Honestly," she muttered in exasperation, "this is such a typical bachelor's pad."

What do you expect? the nine-tailed fox asked suddenly, popping up out of nowhere in the same manner that Inner Sakura usually did. They essentially handed the boy everything he needed to live by, but failed to add the owner's manual of Life.

"How long has Naruto been living alone by himself?" Sakura asked. She wouldn't have exactly pegged the nine-tailed fox as the most reliable source of information, but if the nine-tailed fox was in Naruto and not fully vanquished by the Fourth Hokage, then the nine-tailed fox had been with Naruto for twelve years.

Thirteen, corrected the nine-tailed fox in a very bored, long-suffering voice. Thirteen very long, hard, atrocious years.

"Oh," said Inner Sakura, emerging for the first time and sounding as exasperated as Sakura felt, "what is so bad about humans? Sure, we're weaker than you, but honestly, what is wrong with us? And," she added quickly before the demon could say anything, "don't give me any crap about why you're superior to us."

Why should I say as you demand? The nine-tailed fox's tone was one of a semi-serious debater, going over technicalities and arguing points merely because one could, not because one was maliciously exploiting every weak point of the opponent. The mildness of the tone could be a perceptible illusion, a kind mask that hid a brutal cunning that delighted in manipulation and mind-play. Even if I told you, what are the chances of you taking my words to heart?

Still, the friendly sincerity was enough to throw Inner Sakura for a loop. That'd teach her, Sakura thought somewhat nastily, since Inner Sakura had left it up to her last night to teach the kyuubi basic biology.

"Er," said Inner Sakura somewhat intelligently. "It's, well, it's just that you're always complaining about humans being so bad. And while I admit we aren't the greatest on the lot, it's not like you're a shining example. Look at how many of us you killed! There was no reason for such mindless slaughter!"

Oh, I assure you, I didn't mind it in the least.

"That's not—"

Imagine, said the kyuubi suddenly, in a voice that could have been described as dreamy by anyone else, imagine you as you are now: a healthy young lad, your future bright and so filled with expectations, wonders, possibilities. Or as you once were; a beautiful, talented young woman, the potential of many suitors, a grand career, children if you so cared for them, a reputation of being the best, respected and trusted and looked up to by so many. It's not hard. An old touch of scorn wormed its way into the demon's voice with the last sentence. Now know all of that gone in a single instance. Lost, forever. What remains of you a single essence that combines all your memories and knowledge together, held together only by bitterness, and tucked away in the core of a putrid, decomposing corpse infested with wriggling white maggots.

"Eeeewwwww!"

Precisely. That is how this feels. Having granted the two alter-personalities food for thought, the demon retreated into its own shadowy corners of whatever part of Naruto's body or soul it dwelled.

"Oh." Inner Sakura seemed to think about that. "Oh. Well, that does sound sort of like hell."

Sakura didn't like the idea of being compared a decomposing corpse with maggots. She had no sympathy for the demon; she figured that it had no one to blame but itself. If anything, it was Naruto she felt sorry for. Thirteen years – that meant since he had been a tiny baby. Getting stuck with a bloated, egotistical mystical creature with a chip on its shoulder the size of, well, to, to be all honest, the only one with a chip on his shoulder that came close was, um, er, notthatshewouldevermentionthisindaylight, Sasuke-kun.

He does, doesn't he? The kyuubi poked its nose into her conscience once more. Admit it, vixen, that boy has more attitude than Naruto. And I don't mean that in a very kind way either.

"And Naruto is any better?" she demanded hotly. "I admit that Sasuke is arrogant and close-mouthed, but Naruto thinks of two things: Hokages, and ramen, and—"

You.

"—and don't get me started on how he charges headfirst into fights without – what?"

You. Family. The cost of living. You'd be surprised how expensive fresh vegetables and fruits are compared to prepackaged instant ramen. Oh, I imagine one could argue such thoughts come right back to ramen.

Sakura pulled out the pot and set it down on the stove with a loud thump. She busied herself with the potatoes and a sharp knife, sitting on a chair and the garbage pail held firmly between her knees. "What are you babbling nonsense about this time?"

Naruto thinks of more than just ramen and hokages. You often come up in his thoughts.

"So?"

You should be interested, the kyuubi said, admonishing, especially your brassiere size.

Sakura nicked herself with the knife; it healed almost immediately. "WHAT?"

You should be honored. Now there was a fair bit of humor in the kyuubi's tone. He doesn't mind you being so small—

Inner Sakura rose with a vengeance. "Enough!" she screamed, pushing the kuuybi downwards. The demon chortled, and then dodged her blow.

So slow! Catch me if you can! Then it was frolicking away, oozing past Inner Sakura's strikes and blows with an ease that made Sakura instantly think of a snake.

Oi, don't be insulting.

"Ah, didn't mean it like that." Sakura secretly wondered – at least, she hoped it was secretly, since all things considering her head wasn't exactly a place where thoughts could be considered private – when she had started to pander to demons. She stared resolutely down at the potato and peelings. One more day. At the end of this day, if no cure could be found, then they had to tell someone.

But what exactly had they done? Sure, Sakura had finished searching the attic and hadn't found anything except a missing statue. Some progress she had made, and she still hadn't told him, either. What had Naruto done besides get her body banged up?

The kyuubi snickered, but didn't say anything.

"What?" Sakura demanded petulantly.

With a loll of the tongue, the kyuubi winked at Sakura, and then bound off just as Inner Sakura caught up. Wondering at how there seemed to be so much room in Naruto's head, although truthfully she supposed she shouldn't be too surprised, Sakura vigorously attacked the potato with the knife. In a few seconds, the potato was peeled, and she puttered about the kitchen, setting things together for a stew with leftovers to last a few days. There wasn't a whole lot she could use. Thinking wryly of the tale where the traveler made a stew out of nothing but a nail, Sakura wondered about the pros and cons of metal poisoning as she contemplated the rusty nail she had earlier discovered in a drawer.

Screw that, she decided as she tossed the implements in her hands onto the counter. She and Naruto were going to have a talk about what they needed to do. They would have to reorient themselves, and since he was more interested in training (some things never changed), then it was up to her to start the whole ball rolling once more.

She left the flat in search for him, stopping first at her home. When she didn't find Naruto (the bowl of slightly-burnt oatmeal resting upon the kitchen table was a few hours old; she winced and cataloged all the different chores that needed completion before her parents came home), she poked at the kyuubi.

"Hey, you, where is the most likely place Naruto would train?"

The kyuubi stuck its tongue out at her. The forest.

"Where?"

Not telling. It dodged beneath Inner Sakura, then caught her up in one of its nine tails. Hallo, what have we here?

Sakura froze in horror, and then Inner Sakura giggled.

"S-stop! That tickles! Hee hee!"

"What are you doing to her?" Sakura demanded loudly with a flailing of her arms.

Playing. Do you mind? We'd like to have some privacy?

That was far more than she wanted to know! "Eeewww! Keep that to yourself!"

The dark gleam in the kyuubi's eyes made the hair on the back of Sakura's neck stand on end. Inner Sakura saw it too, and had untangled and thrown herself out of the nine-tailed fox's reach just as power flared and snapped. Vixen, the kyuubi said in a voice of ill-tested patience, do me a favor and hold still.

"Not in your lifetime, bub!"

With an indulgent wave of his tails, the kyuubi turned about in his cage and settled down, resolutely and silently daring either Sakura to say something. Content to let sleeping dogs lie, Inner Sakura retreated to her own little corner and fell silent. Sakura meekly left her house to search the forest for Naruto.


That day, there was a scramble of events that all leads this story to a crucial point.

… Hinata spent a good hour that morning gathering more ingredients together, not aware she was being watched by someone plotting his future …

… Tired of having Akamaru rub himself red against her foot, Ino ran into the forest and threw her entire batch of cookies into the air, letting them fly to wherever they may lay …

… The kyuubi and Inner Sakura both quiet, Sakura trudged through the forest, not too worried about finding Naruto. After all, if the swath of damage she was following was any indication of him, she was almost grateful they had switched bodies …

… The ninjas Tsunade sent out to search for the flare of chakra had to be fetched to explain their results. She vowed to do away with this ridiculous paper trail their report had been engulfed in. Just as well, she supposed as she snuck a sip of sake beneath her desk when no one was looking, because they hadn't found a thing …

… The trunk had a rather nice breakfast of rare speckled underbelly squirrels someone had conveniently left lying around wrapped up in a makeshift bag of window screening. And there were these lovely cookies that came raining out of the sky. While the trunk did not believe in such things as gods, it was, nonetheless, feeling blessed. They went quite well with the squirrels and window screening …

… Because the pink-haired girl with a bull's eye on the back of her dress was training in a manner that reminded Itachi so much of Naruto, the two Akatsuki members decided to observe her. The fact that the kyuubi vessel soon stumbled upon her and began berating her about abusing the body made their day so much better, indeed. How convenient that they should be located outside the village, away from anyone who could get in their way …

… Kakashi limped back from his mission, passing by Kurenai's house just in time to see her manhandle and strong-arm Gai and Asuma out of her house, with many a creative threat regarding what she would inflict upon them with a mere pair of wooden chopsticks …

… Asuma and Gai showed up on Kakashi's doorstep, only to see a sign hanging from the doorknob detailing what he would do with a pair of chopsticks to anyone who knocked and disturbed his rest …

… Kiba was bemoaning to his mother the temporary loss of his dog. Kiba's mother, however, was more amused than she was horrified. Kiba had a feeling she made a terribly unsympathetic audience …

… Kabuto hadn't his glasses when he tripped over the trunk, but that was just as well because he didn't need them to know he had better run for dear life. A pity he had to knock over his other Sound companion to make sure he had a head start. Tch, a person had to do what a person had to do …


It was, Kisame reflected with a mood that was steadily lifting, a good day. Any time the gods deemed him a good boy, it rained. When it rained cookies, he must be considered a candidate for sainthood! Not that it had ever rained cookies before, but here he had been sitting in the tree, numb with boredom and wishing something exciting would happen, and cookies just began to fall from the sky. It was a good day to be alive.

Itachi only glanced at the cookies before looking around for the source of the incoming cookies, saw no gods, and then settling his attention back on the blond container and the cute pink one. The cute pink one looked tasty, but Itachi said there was something about the way she moved that Kisame wouldn't be permitted to take a bite. So he sat and observed, and then along came the walking, talking container who yelled at her, and then she yelled back, and then they began speaking together quietly. The more they spoke, the more their attention turned on one another. They hadn't even noticed when cookies fell from the sky.

The cookie smelled of turpentine. Well; perhaps not exactly a candidate for sainthood, but Kisame was a creature, er, man of the Mist Country. He did not look down upon blessed gifts that fell from the sky, almost quite literally into his lap. So he took a bite, and then crunched away, quite surprised to find that it tasted of Indian ink.

"Get ready," Itachi said softly. Kisame caught the subtle sound of shifting cloth as Itachi changed his position slowly. Kisame hurriedly stuffed another cookie into his mouth, and then turned to face Itachi as the man tensed for a leap from the branches onto the two unsuspecting children.

"Itachi," Kisame breathed, his eyes widening in delighted shock. Why had he gone for so long without noticing Itachi's form, the color of his hair, the wonderful nail polish on the nails of his long-tapered fingers, the fine line of his ankle that showed beneath such a flattering cloak? Now he recognized truly the power in every muscle, dip, and curve of the man's figure …

Why had he never before noticed what a fine piece of ass Itachi had?

Itachi didn't even turn to look at the sound of his name. He was, however, startled when two hundred pounds of solid shark-like partner slammed into his backside. The force of Kisame's momentum sent them toppling out of the tree, crashing into branches and snapping them free with an echoing sound that could be heard from one end of the Fire Country to the other. They hit the ground hard; air was forced from Itachi's smooshed lungs like an explosion, Kisame on top with his knees rubbing a very, very sensitive area.

Itachi tried to surge for his feet, his sharingan activated and vision swimming with little colored dots, but he had to see his opponent for his sharingan to work, and Kisame was pressed against his back, his hands here and there and – there! Eeek!

Itachi had always been far more interested in power and skill than such matters as physical intimacy. Even during the worst years of puberty it had never been anything more than a fleeting annoyance. His mind was quickly spiraling down a long, black funnel of shock.

The targets were yelling, but he couldn't quite make out the words. Itachi tried to pry himself free of Kisame's evil, hormone-driven clutches, but there was something quick and sturdy about the man's sheer tenacity that Itachi could only struggle against, and, and … Whatever Kisame was doing with his hips against Itachi's backside, it was enough to make the hair on the back of Itachi's neck rise on end and his vision go red in a manner not connected with the sharingan.

No one but no one took such advantage of him!

This humiliation – this, this degradation! Itachi turned his scattered attention away from the present mission. Some things were far, far more important than capturing a brat they had been after for so many years. His struggles increased as the surrounding sounds pinwheeled into a single point of Kisame repeatedly whispering "nothing" into his ear with a breathy voice. Itachi forced his hitching gasps into a calming cycle. His focus lay on one thing: kill Kisame. It didn't matter that someone crashed through the brush, yelling something like, "Run! Run!" and that the target's protests were cut off with a squeak. He caught a vague outline of something resembling a trunk on four legs speeding past, intent upon an entirely different target.

No; only one thing had his focus.

He, Uchiha Itachi, bottomed for no one!


"Wh-what's going on?" Sakura gasped as the ANBU's urging hand pressed against her back and lifted her up to the trees, Naruto at his other hand. She looked over her shoulder at the quickly-approaching sounds of something crashing through the woods; trees were falling backwards, snapped in half from the impact of a high-powered creature. First, there were people falling out of trees, and then Naruto was saying something about Akatsuki, and along came some ANBU who told them to run like they would lose their legs if they didn't.

"Oh, trust me," said the ANBU, his voice slightly muffled from being behind them but still familiar nonetheless, "that is not something you want catching you."

"Why?" Naruto demanded hotly, trying to jerk the back of his dress free from the ANBU's tight grip. He twisted, pink hair flailing, to see the odd thing that Sakura had caught a brief glimpse. "What is it?"

"That trunk," Sakura whispered in dismay.

"What?"

"I said it's that blasted trunk from the attic that tried to eat you earlier, remember?" The ANBU nearly slipped from the tree branch he landed on, and dragged Sakura and Naruto off-balance. Both hit the ground with hard slams, stunned at the less-than-graceful impact. The ANBU landed beside them, one hand behind his head as he apologized, furtive glances sent over his shoulders. The crashing of a pursuing piece of furniture was closing in faster.

"Hands off!" Naruto slapped the offered hand away and then jumped to his own feet. "Who are you?" he demanded.

The ANBU sighed as Sakura opened her mouth to tell Naruto not to be rude. Her words shriveled up and her mouth turned quite dry when the ANBU reached up and took his mask off. There was something eerily familiar about the man – it was after he quickly slipped a pair of glasses onto his face did she recognize him. How he had aged... "You can either come with me, or you can stay here and either get caught by Uchiha Itachi or eaten by the trunk." Kabuto's gaze was intense as it lingered upon Naruto, but his voice was soft and edged with anger. "Which will it be?"

Sakura peered around Kabuto to Naruto, who had gone sheet-white and whose fists were clenched tightly at his side. "Who's Itachi?" she asked in a tiny voice. Uchiha; he had to be related to Sasuke, and while there was something about the name that nagged at her memory, she couldn't recall it just now. Was that the person who had toppled out of the trees?

"Why is going with you any worse than staying here?" Naruto spat out, spreading his legs apart and raising his hands in a fighting stance.

"Because," Kabuto said, his impatience growing if the frown on his face and the darting of his eyes toward the crashing was any indication, "I've already lost the third of three companions to that creature."

"An' what makes you any better than that freak with the stripes below his eyes!"

Sakura's hands flew up to her face. "Hey!"

"Because," Kabuto began once more. His hand shot out, faster than Sakura could register. It wrapped around Naruto's throat and pulled him until his nose bumped against Kabuto's. The hand was still wrapped firmly at the base, fingers tight enough to create a strong hold, but do no damage. "Because," he said in a low voice, pronouncing every syllable separately and clearly, "I know what is wrong. Naruto-kun."

Naruto's eyes widened, and then blinked a few times. "Wh-what are you talking about?" he asked, his voice loud and boisterous in Sakura's ears. "I'm Sakura-chan! How can I be Naruto! See, if you hit me, it won't be Henge!"

"No, but you somehow switched your body with Sakura."

"D-don't — no, that is, we didn't!"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Enough, Naruto. He figured it out."

Kabuto's other hand shot out. Sakura squeaked as he grabbed the front of her orange jumper and then leapt up, dragging Naruto and Sakura along. They alighted upon one of the tree branches just as the trunk came crashing through the woods and skidded to a halt before their tree. It clacked its lid open and shut as it circled the base, and then threw itself against it. The entire tree shuddered. Kabuto grimly kept his balance.

"Why is it after you?" Naruto demanded suspiciously. Sakura watched the angry exchange between Naruto and Kabuto in confusion, wide eyes turning from them to the trunk as it battered itself against the tree.

"How on earth as I supposed to know?" Kabuto glared at the trunk, as if accusing it of everything that had gone wrong. "Come with me, both of you."

Naruto pushed himself from Kabuto. "Why should we? You're with Orochimaru!"

The tree shuddered again and titled slightly, great roots ripping from the earth with explosions of sound. The trunk hopped from peg to peg, then threw itself against the tree again. Kabuto shrugged. "I can leave you here and buy me some time to get away." The tree shuddered, and then kept falling over, the ground rushing up to meet them.

Kabuto grabbed Sakura and Naruto by the back of their shirts and leapt to another tree. "What say you?"

"No!" Naruto jerked himself free, and then stopped as Sakura fell limply to her knees. "What did you do?" He threw himself at Kabuto, but the med-nin leaned out of the way and pressed his hands against the back of Naruto's neck, forcing him unconscious with a spark of chakra aimed at the right areas of the brain stem. He threw Naruto over his shoulder, tucked Sakura under his arm, and glanced around. No sign of Itachi or Kisame, but that didn't mean they could be right behind.

With a lustful trunk hot on his heels, Kabuto left the forest.
author's notes: Gosh, this was fun to write. :)