The Official Fanfiction University of Narnia
By: Ash Meadows
Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia, or any other world that may appear in a random reference. I don't own OFUM, and I thank Miss Cam for letting me use the OFU concept, and for the mini-balrog, Valer.
***
Time. Why was time always her enemy? Anja frantically raced through the winding corridors and wide halls of OFUN, or the Official Fanfiction University of Narnia. She was attempting to find Jadis, the White Witch, before too much else could go wrong. The morning had been absolutely littered with disasters, and all of them had stemmed from one staff member or another.
First off, Jadis had awoken in a foul mood. One of her hair pins had gone awry in the right, leaving a rather large crimp in her otherwise straight hair. Anja had a sneaking suspicion that the mischief-loving Prince Cor had put a few of the talking mice up to rearranging Jadis's pins, since hairpins usually didn't move on their own volition. Jadis was not a morning person, and waking up with her hair in such a state did nothing to improve her disposition. And when Jadis was in a temper, she took her frustrations out on the one thing that would respond to her – the weather.
So the rest of OFUN had woken up to a snowflakes gently falling, which had soon escalated to a full-scale blizzard. Miss Ash had been furious at the sudden weather change, and had threatened to make Jadis do all of the staff laundry for a month, without magic. That threat had been enough to make Jadis bring the sun out again, but it did nothing for the three feet of snow that was piled up.
The sudden arrival of the snow had brought out the inner child of most of Narnia's various royalty, many of who decided a snowball fight was an excellent way to spend the morning. Unfortunately, Miss Ash hadn't been able to see the humor through all the work that still had to be done. Anja bit her lip, remembering how the course coordinator's wrath had almost been tangible enough to melt the snow that had accumulated. Anja had known Miss Ash, or just Ash to her and only her, for many years, and had rarely seen her temper flare the way it had that morning. The stress of trying to make an Official Fanfiction University run smoothly was most likely affecting her, and not in a positive way.
Some of the staff members that hadn't been in the snowball fight were not helping matters, either. Puddleglum's gloom-and-doom attitude had finally peaked, sending the Marshwiggle into his equivalent of a nervous breakdown, the Gloomy Meltdown Syndrome, his three hundred and forty-seventh since the planning for OFUN had begun. Puddleglum had been most unfortunate to come across some bad slash writing, and had fallen into a state of numb despair, staring at the ceiling and wringing his hands together. It had taken some intense therapy sessions to convince him that his life was headed in a more positive direction, although Anja wasn't sure all the reasons that were given to him entirely made sense.
She shook her head, attempting to dispel the thoughts of the downtrodden Marshwiggle. As if those incidents had not been enough to set Miss Ash completely on edge, the centaur's stargazing and Reepicheep's dueling sent her over the edge. The centaurs held to the belief that the stars were "informing them of the fate to befall the unfortunate students", and refused to leave until they had been thusly informed. Anja suspected it was simply a ploy to evade the staff members and grumpy staff. This university business was starting to wear on everyone's nerves, even the formerly unflappable Reepicheep.
The mouse was constantly attempting to duel with imaginary foes, claiming that he was keeping in shape, but all he was really managing to do was get in everyone's way. Several staff members now bore marks on their ankles from the overzealous swordfighter, until Miss Ash forcibly intervened. Reepicheep was still putting about the loss of his rapier, although Miss Ash promised to give it back before the students arrived.
Yes, indeed, everyone's nerves were worn down, waiting for the whole university business to begin. All the staff felt it. There was a lingering unease that radiated from all who could claim any sort of participation in the university.
Anja cut a corner rather close, and skidded to a stop when she found her quarry arguing with what was to have been her second search object: the Green Witch. The two were furiously throwing insults at each other, a common occurrence whenever they got within a vague hearing range of each other. As it was, the noise level they were generating at the moment was reaching ear splitting proportions.
"Why, you hormonal simpleton, your little snowstorm this morning ruined, and I mean ruined my underworld caverns! They're now filled with snow and ice, and the gnomes won't shovel it out because it's not a part of their union contract! That means the caverns will be filled with even more water when and if the snow and ice finally melt, which means they will be flooded! All that hard work for nothing," the Green Witch finished her tirade with a high pitched shriek that nearly cracked the glass window she was standing next to.
"Oh, do shut up," Jadis sneered back, "you serpent-tongued half-wit; I have no need for your insolence. Just because you cannot control the weather is no need to blame me for you faulty skills or lack of power. Although, it is truly not surprising – you couldn't even control you little underworld gnomes. I suppose that is what comes from lacking a name…" she trailed off, smiling as she saw the Green Witch's face turning scarlet red.
If there was one subject not to mention to the Green Witch, it was her absolute lack of a defining name, save for the Lady with the Green Kirtle, or the Green Witch. Many staff members had offered nicknames, but the Green Witch's response had been…less than pleasant. Only Miss Ash's timely intervention had stopped the staff from being on the receiving end of the rather painful consequences of irritating the Green Witch.
"What, why you, oh, oh how dare you," sputtered the Green Witch, taken back by Jadis's insult.
Anja sighed to herself for what seemed like the hundredth time that day (in actuality, it was closer to a thousand), knowing that she would have to intervene before the situation really got ugly, and therefore, destructive. However, she did not particularly relish the thought of being turned into a stone statue, as she had been the last time she had broken up an argument. She had waited for hours for Miss Ash to discover she was gone, track her marbled form down, then track Aslan down, bring Aslan back, and finally revive her. She was still digging small pebbles from her shoes.
With that pleasant thought on her mind, she brought her fingers to her mouth, whistling in Miss Ash's unique "halt, cease, desist" whistle. The result was immediate. The witches quit their arguing, which was rather one sided at the moment, the Green Witch still in a state of stocked silence from Jadis's comment. This momentary halt in commotion gave Anja the chance to dive in and seize each witch's weapon of choice – the Green Witch's mandolin, and Jadis's wand.
"Now that is quite enough," she bellowed, sounding scarily close to Miss Ash's commanding tone. Maybe she really had been spending too much time around the diminutive course coordinator, to be channeling some of her fearsome mannerisms. At 5'4", Miss Ash wasn't actually much of an imposing presence, until she got angry. Then, anyone in the vicinity was in danger of catching fallout from her wrath.
"You two have kept Miss Ash. not to mention the rest of the staff, waiting for nearly two hours while you bickered like two schoolgirls. Now, Miss Ash is starting to get testy. You've both been fortunate enough to have not yet experienced her full wrath unleashed, but I feel as though that luck is about to run out. Now, you stop arguing and come quietly with me, and that may be enough to stave off Miss Ash, at least for another day. Or, I could just go tell Miss Ash I found you two arguing and you refuse to come with me. That would make her day, as she has been making noises about reenacting both of your rather violent deaths. Perhaps doing so would give her a chance to vent some of her anger…" Anja let the suggestion hang.
Both witches eyes widened at that pronouncement, then quickly and silently fell in behind Anja as she began trekking back to the stable, the common staff meeting place. As she strode on ahead, Anja heard the two begin arguing again, albeit quietly this time. She silently thanked the powers that be that she still had possession of their weapons. Maybe that would calm them down for an hour, having the threat of, in Jadis's case, not being able to turn anything to stone, or in the case of the Green Witch, not being able to hypnotize anything, hanging over their heads. Anja shook her head again. She just had a feeling that this would be the first of many long days still to come.
Anja and the troublemakers reached the stable after several minutes of trekking through the woods from the castle. Anja unceremoniously shoved the witches through the door, then slipped inside, closing the door behind her.
"Well, what do you two have to say for yourselves this time?" Miss Ash's voice rang through the stable, punctuated by a low growling sound emanating from Aslan's vicinity.
The witches opened their mouths to answer, but were cut off by Miss Ash.
"Never mind," she interjected, "you two will just start arguing again, skew the actual events, and hold us up even more. I'll just presume you were locked in a perpetual argument again, and leave it at that. However, if you two delay even a second more, I will not hesitate to delay everything just so I can reenact your deaths, several times over, even if it does raise our insurance rates. Save the arguing for when the students arrive."
Jadis and the Green Witch had the decently to look at least slightly chagrined, and more than slightly fearful of having to face death multiple times over.
"Now then," Miss Ash addressed the rest of the staff, "since we are all finally here, the Welcoming Committee needs to be deployed. The students are due to arrive this afternoon, which doesn't give us much time. I want Jadis and the Green Witch to make up the Welcoming Committee, as well as several minis, and yes, Jadis, before you ask, you can take a dwarf or two."
Miss Ash continued to outline her plans for the students journey to Cair Paravel, nodding as staff members added their own suggestions in. Her smile grew wider after several minutes of planning and plotting, and after delegating out responsibilities and tasks, she pulled open the stable doors, and the staff members all streamed out into the sunlight, heading in the direction that their particular task necessitated.
Anja waited a moment for the stbale to clear, then made her way over to miss Ash's table. "Well," she said, "are we ready for this?"
"Not in the slightest," Miss Ash smiled, "if you mean this by class preparation, instruction, and other erstwhile university doing. However, if this refers to student education and greeting, we are more than ready. In fact, I think that their beginning journey to Cair Paravel will even be an education," the course coordinator finished, then leaned down to remove the shoelace of her boot from the mouth of her mini-balrog, Valer.
The mini was a new import, straight from OFUM and Miss Cam. She had already shown to have the particular quirk of enjoying shoes, particularly the soles, but she's eat laces if she could get them. Many staff had woken up in the mornings to find shoelaces missing from sneakers, holes eaten in the soles of their shoes, and heels lowered considerably. Miss Ash was attempting to train the mini to not eat staff member's shoes, although she didn't want to discourage the practice entirely. After all, students didn't really need their shoes to be in one piece, did they? Anja just hoped the mini-balrog wouldn't spread her habits over to OFUN's mini-dragons. She only had so many pairs of shoes, and couldn't afford to have them used for chew toys. At least the students would be arriving soon. Then Valer could chew on their shoes.
