I'm posting this in Language Lab. Alice is right next to me. She is doing French.
Not too much to say, since I don't want the Language Lab lady to yell at me again.
Let's see...
Twilight comes out in 20 days. I am full of happiness, even though I checked with Borders and they said they probably won't have it until January 5th. (Which is, incidentally, my birthday. ;))
Oh, and thanks to all who reviewed and wished me luck. I got Merit!! YAY!!
::Jessie happy dances::
Oh, before I forget Dudes, look out for something new next week. I'm starting a fic in Jesse's POV. One that I might actually keep writing. BREATHE has been postponed for now. Or forever. Depending whether of not I like the explanation they give in Twilight.
And if you have time, do reread chapter 7. I reposted it, with some editations. (If that is a word.)
That's it.
On with the story.
I told you it'd be sad, right?
Disclaimer: But...but...I LOVE Meg! Why would I steal ANYTHING??
Chapter eight: Could've Been
I think I woke to the sun the next morning.
I remember it shoning in with a blinding light through the cretonne fabric of my dusty lavender curtains, casting an eerie ultra violet glow across the walls of my bedroom.
And for some reason, my first instinct was to cast a glance towards the window. It had been left open overnight, and through it now blew a cool breeze that drifted into the house, combining with the marine fog to create a faint mist that topped all of my possessions.
Maybe that was when it registered, finally, that Jesse hadn't come back last night. Because, though you might find this hard to believe, Jesse had always closed my windows for me, even when he moved to the rectory, even when he was avoiding me. And now I doubt he'd ever do it again.
You'd think I would be rather disconsolate at this new-found piece of information, I do, after all, live for these sort of things, --visits from Jesse, I mean--but it just so happens that the idea of never seeing Jesse again was way too much to just sit and think about.
So I got out of bed, closed them myself, and got ready for school.
----
Lemme tell you something. The female population at the Mission Academy is weird.
All these girls kept coming up to me, and flipping their hair in my face. Debbie(is that her name?) kept on slithering over and pulling on my sleeve, batting those fake eyelashes of hers, or worse, leaning in so close that all I could smell was that flowery perfume those girls liked to wear. The kind that gives me allergies.
I ask you; who needs that?
Besides, it wasn't like I was going anywhere. I was waiting for Suze.
I just, I don' know, I wanted to apologize. For what happened yesterday. I really shouldn't have been so forward, especially considering the short period of time I had known her. I mean, what was I thinking, unhooking her bra? Every guy knows you don't do that until the third date.
I guess that's why she pushed me off her, but... I still don't understand how she got so sick. I'm not a bad kisser, or at least, She never thought so.
But then again, she never really liked to think.
Suze didn't seem to mind so much, either.
I don't know what came over me; really, I don't. I shouldn't have tried to push her so far. I guess I was just sort of desperate after what happened with--yeah.
So there I was, standing next to a pillar in the mission's courtyard, when Suze walked in, looking extremely stressed.
I waved to her, but she pretended not to see me, and instead ran straight in the direction of the cemetery. And of course, I followed her, what would she do there??
----
He was waiting for me, you know.
When I came to school that day. Just standing there, by the tall pillars in the courtyard, arms crossed around his chest, leaning against the walls in a manner that made me want to run up to him, grab his shirt front, and kiss him until he was blue.
Which is not such a good idea when you're fully in love with someone else. Even if they weren't in love with you.
So when he waved to me that sexy little wave, I simply turned around, and walked away.
My face flushed, my legs like jelly.
But I walked away.
That's what's important, right?
----
I was getting up when I saw her. Looking, like always radiant, even with the expression on her face. And I turned my head, unable to look at her, pretended not to see her...so the visions of her face next to mine might pass away.
But she didn't.
She caught my sleeve just as I was about to dematerialize and said, "Jesse."
----
I grabbed onto the edge of his shirt. "Jesse."
Nothing. He wouldn't look at me. That's how much I hurt him. That's how far I'd gone.
And I hated myself for it.
"Jesse." I said again. "Jesse. Look at me. We need to talk about this."
He turned his head, allowing me a glimpse of his face. His eyes were full and glossy. "Susannah, what is there to say?"
I grabbed both of his hands, and turned his entire body towards mine. I don't know what is was, that gave me the sudden strength to do this, usually just touching Jesse was enough to give me shivers, but somehow, I knew, could almost sense, that this moment would be important. It might even last forever.
"Let me go first."
I took a deep breath. Because that's the first step, right?
And I began. Slowly, quietly, starting with my topic sentence, just as my English teacher had instructed me to when writing an essay, in 5th grade. "I'm sorry."
Nothing. No reaction. And it was all my fault.
"I'm sorry for blowing up on you," I whispered, "when I saw you and Clarrisse, and I'm sorry for calling you all those horrible things, afterwards, and I'm sorry forgetting mad at you, that time in the hallway, and for lying to Father Dominic about our relationship, and I'm sorry for going to shifting lessons, even though I promised not to, and for inviting Jeremy over and for making out and..." I was crying. I tend to do this a lot, I'd noticed, during confessions. It just happens, I guess. While reliving all the horrible things I've done. My conscience can't take it. It totally sucks.
Jesse must've noticed this--the crying--since he pulled out his handkerchief, and tilted my face towards his. Just like so many times before, he began wiping away my tears. And he chuckled. I took it as a good sign.
Chuckling, I mean. That lightens the mood, right?
"Susannah," he whispered, though his eyes were still as dark as ever, "Slow down. All I got were your first few words."
Oh. Oh.
"Well," I said, staring profusely at the ground beneath us as my cheeks turned, once again, the ever so attractive, Ruby Red. "I just wanted to say that I was sorry."
He turned his face away, though I saw his lips moving to repeat the word. "Sorry," he said. His voice flat, disbelieving.
"I mean it, Jesse. I wasn't thinking straight. He came to my house to help me with a project… and then, things got out of hand… but it was nothing to me. I never meant for it to happen.." I squeezed his hand, and came to realize that theywere cold, so unlike his usual presence. The Jesse I knew was always warm.
"Jesse, please look at me," I pleaded, as my eyes again began to water. "I don't care about Clarrisse. If you love her, I won't stop you from being with her." I let go of his hands and wiped my eyes on my sleeve. "Just please… Jesse… don't be angry with me. I don't think I could live with myself if you were."
That was when he finally looked at me. There was a lot in that look. Just like the one before, it was filled with hurt, and bitter emotion, but then there was disbelief, and horrible frustration, as if Jesse could not believe what he was hearing. As if he was once again, mad at me.
I bit my lip, appealing to him with my eyes. And it softened, that look, as if it were chastising a small child.
"Don't be this way, Susannah. There is nothing between me and Clarrisse." The way he said it, soft and gentle, as his breath tickled my ear...
I almost wanted to believe him.
Almost.
"What are you talking about??" I said accusingly, I could feel my heart springing into defensive mode, once again. Play it safe, it was advising, don't let him know you care. And I ignored it. Completely. Because I had to find out why. "she said so herself. You're her boyfriend." I spat the word with distaste on my tongue.
He put his handkerchief away, sighing deeply."Susannah," he muttered, "I am telling the truth, there is nothing going on between me and Clarrisse." I opened my mouth to protest, but he held up a finger against my lips. "I promise, querida, that day you saw us was the first day I met her."
"But---but, you were--kissing her, and…"
He looked at me, his eyes resembling a dark whirlpool. For a millisecond, I stopped breathing, I was just sinking into those eyes of his, almost paralyzed, but not with fear.
"I did NOT kiss her. She was upset. I was comforting her. She kissed ME." he brought his hand up and touched my cheek. His glossy eyes stared into mine. My knees felt wobbly, about to give way under me at any moment. It was impossible to ignore the growing palpitations in my chest. It was hard to imagine that just one person could do this to me.And yet...there it was.
"Susannah, I would never do anything to hurt you. I promise you that."
He sounded...so, sincere. Really, like he was ready to stake his life--not that he could--on this notion, as if he really cared.
This time it was me who leaned in for the kiss. Something about what he said, and they way he said it--looking so hot with that low collar tee of his--did things to me. I put my arms around his neck, pulled his head down, and laid a big fat one on his mouth. Jesse froze, like he didn't know what to do. I could feel his entire body shaking, debating amongst itself; whether or not to pull away.
And I just kept kissing him. I couldn't let go, not even if I tried.
Which was good, when he finally started kissing back, and placing his arms around my waist, and pulling me closer to him. It felt so fiery, that kiss, so passionate, so wonderful, so utterly perfect that there was no way to lose sight of it. It would be forever engraved into my memory. That kiss, burned right into my heart.
So when we parted, what else was there to do? I just had to tell him. No matter what he did next.
I reached up and brushed the hair of out his eyes, tracing the line of that scar. "I love you..." I whispered, my lips curving into a tiny smile.
As soon as I had said it, there was no taking it back. It just hung there, in the distance between us as a cold wind blew in the direction of my face.
And almost immediately I could feel his skin tense beneath my fingertips, as he moved, very slowly, retreating in the direction of that tiny gate, in the cemetary.
"Jesse." I said. Again there was no response, only silence as I watched his face turn pale. He stumbled back, nearly tripping over his gravestone.
"Jesse."
Nothing. I looked around, the stillness of the cemetary seemed so much colder than it did just a few seconds ago, the trees swaying gently in the wind, as he continued to back away.
"Jesse."
Finally, finally, he lifted his gaze. And...it was like Icouldn't even recognize him anymore. His eyes...they were still dark, still unreadable, but...it was like something was missing. Something so very precious, important, had been lost from those eyes.
The moment was over in a second, but it would never be the same again.
He just stood there, and gaped at me, as if he himself couldn't believe what he was seeing. I don't think he even realized everything that I had just done, but I knew.
And I knew, just as his eyes started to blur what he was going to say next. And that I wouldn't like it.
"I have to go."
I nodded, blinking back tears as he rushed forward and took my face in his hands. His touch was cold, distant.
It was all over.
"Of course you do." I whispered.
He laid one last kiss on my cheek before he went away. It was soft, quick...dismissive.
And as I was standing there moments later, staring at the vacated spot in the graveyard where his spirit once stood, all I could think about was what could've been.
Until it finally hit me, what was.
And the thought was enough to shatter all that was left of my soul. A gust of wind picked up and hit the front of my sweater. I stumbled back...
And ran. Tears soaking my face, I ran out of the cemetery, past the courtyard, I ran and ran until finally I came to the beach. I sank down on the sand, sobbing into my hands, letting the waves wash up on the shore, praying they would take me with them.
Don't hate me. I promise you it'll end up well.
In the sequel.
::egg hits Jessie's forehead:;
::Jessie wipes it away::
So...heh heh...how's it going?
I've got an idea!!
Let's review me, so Jessie updates faster!!
Come on...help a gal out...I skipped outline notes for this!!
