How do you go from quitting ballet, to taking private lessons, to signing up for a competition in March?
I'm pathetic.
Chapter ten: Reverie (A/n: You'll notice that I'm not using bold anymore. I think I like underlining much better.)
(Suze)
I found myself in a long, narrow hallway, overflowing with damp mist. Fog spiraled around my ankles as I took my first steps, accidentally brushing a hand against one of the identical green doors on either side of the walls that—coupled with the sudden blast of wind that hit my shoulders—led me to a final conclusion about my whereabouts:
...Shadowland.
And this time, I was all alone.
Which could only mean one thing. That was it. I was dead.
Dead, gone, dissipated. I had squandered the rest of my life away, before it had even got interesting. And here I was—sixteen years of pain and sorrow, sixteen years of a total waste, total failure—completely abandoned, left alone, standing at this door.
I looked at it. Really looked at it...wondering what it was that the green-colored threshold had in store for me. The wood was smooth, almost perfect, no chips, no flaws. Maybe that's what scared me. It was so eerie...unnatural.
Perhaps beyond this door lay my true path to eternal happiness? Some strange world where maybe all my prayers would have been answered? Where Susannah Simon would be a normal, rich, unnaturally pretty girl with a boyfriend who wanted her and loved her?
Maybe. Who knew what lay ahead of me, but whatever it was, I concluded, had to be better than this. Better than standing here in this hallway until the end of time. Or at least, until Paul found me, since it was apparent he routinely took a little night-time stroll through this creepy place. What that guy's problem is, I'll never know. And believe me, I don't want to.
My hands trembling, I reached out and grabbed the door knob. Taking a deep breath, I prepared to turn it, blinking away at the tears in my eyes. That is, until a familiar voice stopped me.
"Susannah."
I turned around. There was Jesse, standing before me, and eyeing the doorway with a mysterious look on his face.
"Jesse." I breathed. There was nothing else I could say. Oh, don't worry, I had plenty of sentences going on in my head; What are you doing here? was one, followed by, Are you moving on too? and then there was the final question, the one I had been wanting to ask him, down at that beach...Why?
Because that was why, or so I thought, the reason Jesse was now up here, in Heaven-or hell-'s waiting room. To tell me why. To explain to me before I left.
At least until he reached out—just like the last time we were here—and laid a hand on my shoulders. Even though I was dead—and obviously, he was too—I could feel the heat of his fingers scotching through me.
I didn't talk. Didn't breathe. Just stared, back into those dark irises. His look was so intense, it scared me, and I could hardly bring myself to answer the question his eyes were asking as they urgently racked my soul.
Which was, Are you done yet? Are you really going to let this be the end? Are you absolutely sure it's over?
And my answer was no. Contrary to what I had decided, just a few moments before he had gotten here, I had realized, staring up into those soft charcoal eyes of his, I wasn't.
Not in the least. That's what I told him. "No."
And even though it was raspy, it was evident in my voice that I had made sure my decision. "No, Jesse." I whispered, "I'm not."
He nodded, and, for the first time since that day in the graveyard,( the one before, after he beat up Paul) smiled. A smile that brought a warming sensation in my stomach. A smile that lit up my heart.
Right up until I noticed that Jesse was slowly slipping away from me. His ghostly figure disappearing from view. Fading, into the nothing that this hallway contained.
He was leaving.
"No." I croaked. This wasn't it. I couldn't go on, not without him. "No."
But soon he was gone, dematerialized with that smile on his face, his features a slow blur, his hands so suddenly cold.. "No," I called out. "No!"
I was falling.
Falling, sinking down into crushing black oblivion as the floor beneath me, crumbled. "No!"
I was screaming.
"No!"
...no.
And I was gone, as well.
-42- (No particular reason, I just like the number, and the stupid system won't let me space anymore.)
"Susannah." Someone was shaking me. Pulling on my shoulder, not letting me grieve, not letting me go.
"No." I whispered, trying to shake off that hand on my shoulder. "He's gone. No."
"Susannah."
"No," I croaked, "just let me go. Leave me alone. He's gone."
"Susannah, get up. Susannah."
I opened my eyes. I don't know what I expected to see. Maybe some big pearly gates, surrounded by clouds, or something. Maybe a bunch of fiery flames, and a guy with a pitchfork and a red jumpsuit. Or whatever.
All I know is, I certainly wasn't expecting to see Jesse's face looming above mine. In what appeared to be a hospital room, no less.
"Whoa," I gasped, and tried, unsuccessfully, to get up. But Jesse wouldn't let me. He placed a hand on my shoulders, and pushed me-gently-back down on the bed. "Shhh...Susannah. Your ribs are still weak."
I looked at him. And felt a twinge of tears in my eyes as he smiled down at me. He was here. My Jesse. He wasn't gone at all.
That was when I noticed the tears in his eyes. Tears that mirrored my own, but I'm sure were not from happiness. They weren't grateful. Not like mine.
"Jesse..."I whispered, "Jesse, wha-what happened?"
All he did was look at me. If I had thought it hard to read his expression before, well, let's just say that now it was just about impossible.
I couldn't read anything. Not a tinge of emotion. They were hard, his eyes, though still filled with tears.
"You almost drowned, Susannah." His voice, I noticed, was not as hard as his facial features. It was so croaky and rusty. Like he hadn't spoken a word since I was gone. Which, I supposed would make sense. Me, being the only one who could see him, and all. Well, besides Father Dominic.
"Oh." I said.
He nodded slowly, his face a steely mask. There was a veil dropped over those charcoal eyes of his, one that fell right back in place after each gesture he made, leaving me totally in the dark about what he was feeling, no matter how hard I'd tried to brush that veil away.
Maybe that's why I stopped feeling so grateful. What was the point of being here, being with Jesse, if he wasn't going to talk to me, anymore? At least, not in his normal tone of voice.
I rolled over on the hospital bed, and wouldn't look at him.
So that was it, huh?
No 'I missed you, Susannah,' or a 'Thank God you're alive...' even a freaking 'querida' would've done fine for me right about then.
But he didn't say anything...
Which was fine. More than fine. I don't need him.
Much.
At least, that was what I thought-lying on that hospital bed, my back turned to Jesse, wondering why it was I could've been so stupid to fall in love with a guy who so obviously hated me, who, as far as I could tell, didn't even give a damn-until he put a hand on my shoulder, and turned me to face him. His fingers were warm through the sleeve of my hospital robe. And again I was falling, just like I did each time I looked into those dark eyes of his, speckled with tiny stars, like celestial orbs of space. The veil had been lifted. Thank God.
"Why are you like this, Susannah?"
I didn't answer. I couldn't, not when he was looking at me the way he was just then, pulling me closer and closer to that radiating heat of his-heat that, I'm quite positive sometimes, I wasn't just imagining-as his gaze raked my face.
My throat closed up unexpectedly, and there was nothing I could do—especially since he was tilting my face up towards his—but stare back, the blush already creeping into my face, from that intense gaze.
"Querida." He murmured. Just the word...but like always it brought for a reaction somewhere deep inside me that caused me to melt.
Right there on the spot, into a big sticky puddle of hospital-bed goo.
So was it really any wonder why I did what I did next? When I leaned forward, bringing me into an even closer view of those eyes, of that perfectly sculpted face... and kissed him, hard on the lips?
No. It wouldn't have been at all.
And it might've actually happened, has Jesse not turned away, pulling my arms from around his neck and holding my hands in a grip of iron. "Susannah." He said, sounding a little strangled. "Querida...don't do this."
Don't do this.
I didn't have to ask him what 'this' meant. I knew. All of a sudden I understood, all too well. And that's when I decided it had to be over. Whatever game Jesse was playing, it had to end now.
I wrenched my hands from his grasp. "Get out."
He turned his eyes upon mine once again, his gaze incredulous. "Susannah, what are you-"
"You heard me," I said, as cool, as collected as I possibly could. "get out."
"Susannah, I-I'm-sorry-but I-"
"Get out. Get out. Get OUT!"
But Jesse didn't get out, much to my dismay. He didn't move an inch. Just stood there looking at me, with that inscrutable expression as I sat there, clutching the sheets on that bed, looking at everything but him.
A few moments passed, us awkwardly remaining in our chosen positions, until finally Jessed sighed resignedly and sat down on the bed next to me.
And moved over, just an inch, so that his face was close to mine.
Very close. I could feel his warm gentle breath, tickling my ear. And sometimes, when his body is in such a close proximity of mine. Well, let's just say that it's easy to forget that that breath I'm feeling is completely within the boundaries of my imagination. That that breathing isn't real.
Oh, but the feeling was... the one that followed, I mean. The inexplicable feeling within me that brought butterflies to my stomach, and a blush to my cheeks.
And I was still recovering from that experience, when Jesse tilted my face up towards his, taking my chin in his thumb and index fingers, and just boring into me with those eyes.
Then I was forced to look down. Because no girl could stand looking into eyes like Jesse's without feeling utterly, and completely lost.
And I couldn't afford to do that again, because I knew, this time, that as soon as I had found that feeling, I would never be able to let go.
"Querida," he gasped, "I-"
I looked up at him, sharply. His gaze into my own was so intense, that as of that moment I couldn't look away.
"I-" Jesse ran a hand through his hair, his lips parted to say whatever it was he was planning to tell me that moment. But I didn't care. I didn't want to listen. All that mattered to me was to be placing a finger against those lips, looking up at him, stroking the side of his face... Making a mental note to myself of his every facial feature. Memorizing those eyes, the line of his nose, the bumps on that scar...
And then I bringing his face forward, for one last, gentle kiss...
But before our lips could meet, I hear the shrill whisper of a voice behind me.
I turned my head, so abruptly, that I felt my hair swish in Jesse's face. It was my mother.
"Suzie!" she exclaimed. She also had tears in her eyes. But aside from the tousled hair and thinner figure, her facial features looked fine. Just the same. She hadn't changed. Not like Jesse.
"Oh, Thank the Lord! Suzie… we thought we'd lost you… you were in a coma for two weeks!" So that's why Jesse was looking so forlorn today... I was in a coma for two weeks! There was no one at home to feed Spike! (A/N: Suze is so naive, huh?)
"Suzie… oh my gosh!" my mother was still crying. Everyone else burst in, Andy, Dopey, Sleepy, Doc. Then CeeCee and Adam. "Suzie…" her expression then hardened. "What in heavens were you doing? Gallivanting around the beach on a day as cold as that one? Thank heavens David found you! It's a miracle you hadn't floated away to China!"
I tried to smile, "umm… well, I really wanted to go to the beach… and then… there was this big wave… and then…" but before I could finish, my mom hugged me again. It was clear to me that none of that really mattered to her. She just asked for the sake of asking, it was what a mother was supposed to do. "Oh, Suzie…"
Oh, God.
I looked over my shoulder to signal to Jesse and apology for our interruption, some sign to let him know that we would talk later, but he was gone.
Surprise, surprise.
And there wasn't anything I could do about it, I couldn't very well run off to look for him-wherever he went-not while my mother was hugging me this tight, stroking my hair, and whispering, "Oh thank God.." in this freaky voice.
I basically received the same thing from everyone else, except you know, not so hysterical-thank goodness, since it looked like Adam was having a hard time not cracking up-and then my family left so I could talk to him and CeeCee.
Though I found it exceedingly difficult, since they kept giggling.
And of course, it wasn't until I was nearly driven insane by this unusual behavior, that I finally took a good look at the two people before me.
The first thing I noticed was that they were holding hands. "Guys…" I said. "what's going on? Are you two…" I took it from the smile on CeeCee's face and the way Adam was blushing that they had finally gotten together.
It's great that they can use my comatose state as a way to hook up. Then again, CeeCee's liked him forever, so really… its about time. I said this to them, and Adam blushed again. The happy couple.
"Anyways…" said CeeCee, eager to take the attention off them, " we were all worried about you…" I stopped her. " 'We?' whose 'we'?"
She smiled. "The junior class of the Mission Academy." Whoa. Okay. "anyways… " she continued, "we were all worried, so we made you a card, and Kelly's decided that upon your waking, we would have a camp-out on the beach like you suggested last year, you know—with the bonfire and everythingas long as you stay far away from the waves," she added, seeing the look on my face. Ironic, that as soon as I recovered from near drowning, I would be welcomed back to the beach.
It was when I was thinking about this that I noticed the entire gift shop piled up in the hospital room. Seriously, there was hardly room to walk. Most of the stuff, I expected were from my mom. I pointed this out to CeeCee and Adam, who gladly showed me which gift was from whom.
"Okay… THIS" CeeCee pointed to the giant purple teddy bear, "is from me."
"Adam sent you those." She pointed out the bouquet of pink roses.
"umm… Kelly and Debbie sent you these…" she gave me the boxes of Hershey's chocolate. I set them down on the bedside table.
"And these…" Adam said, pointing to what looked like half the flower shop, "are from Paul Slater and Jeremy Curtis." I gasped. There were a dozen bouquets of roses, all ruby red with droplets of water still stuck to the petals. They were beautiful. If only, I thought, they were from someone else other than Paul Slater. Jeremy wasn't exactly in my good book either, considering how fast he had tried to seduce me.
"Yeah." Said CeeCee, "pretty nice huh?"
"Umm… yeah…" I blushed. "I guess. Actually… I don't really want them… do you guys want to take them home?"
Adam looked psyched. But CeeCee nudged him with her elbow. "Suze…" she said, looking at me worriedly, "what happened? I thought you and Jeremy were getting 'close'."
I looked down at the white bed sheet. I didn't know what to say. What, that I hated Paul for what he tried to do to me and Jesse, and that Jeremy pretty much had the same idea? Instead I just looked at the floor for a while, until the nurse came in and told them visiting hours were over, and that I should get some rest. CeeCee gave me a look that said, 'you'll explain later right?' and handed me a giant card.
I put the card down on top of the night table, and eventually fell asleep.
-42-
(Jesse)
She was sleeping peacefully when I left the note. Gingerly I stepped around the various assortments of cards, gifts and balloons her friends had sent in her hopes of helping to hasten her recovery. It took me awhile. There were quite a lot. Finally, I reached a bare spot on the wooden floor, just large enough for me to stand while gazing upon her sleeping form. Placing the card onto the mahogany table, I set down some fresh-picked flowers, and arranged it so that they were horizontal to the giant card her friends had sent her.
Taking a moment to marvel at her beauty, I trace my fingertips along the line of her forehead. The crease smoothes, and I am shocked at the feeling brought from my fingers against her skin. She looked so serene. Her dark brown flowed wildly across the pillow like some kind of halo. Her dark lashes closed atop emerald irises. An angel.
Quietly I bent down, playing with a single strand of hair. A single highlight. But it doesn't seem like enough. That's when I realized that I needed to leave.
I bent down and kissed her cheek. "I love you too, querida."
The wordswere spoken softly, a gentle whisper, as if it were some kind of spell that could easily be broken by loud voices, or common knowledge. It was our secret. I love you.
So I said it, my lips brushing against her ear, and I saw the faintest of smiles spreading across her ruby lips. Almost imperceptible, but still there.
Perhaps that was what drove me to kneel down towards her on the bed, carefully steadying myself, and lean over for one gentle kiss.
One kiss, to last me for all eternity. The last goodbye.
But it was not gentle enough.
She stirred and stared at me with her beautiful green eyes. Wide, innocent.
"Jesse, what the hell are you doing?"
Yeah. It wasn't that great, there are some parts I didn't edit—during the summer I had suffered this strange disillusionment of making Suze real popular...so yeah. I'm sorry if that's a bit out of character. I'm also sorry if some parts are badly written. I have like, a lot going on this week with school, and my piano recital, ballet, so I was a bit too lazy to edit some parts.
Chapter one of Homecoming is up on my livejournal. (Click on the 'homepage' link in my profile.) Don't look, if you want to wait and see how this story ends, because Homecoming is the sequel.
P.S. You have to go to the 'Jan. 1st' entry. Check the calendar.
P.P.S. Review first.
