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Missing The Little Things
No one spoke, Chandler looked down at the floor not being able to look at any of his friends as they continued to stare at him. His heart hammered in his chest and all the strength from him seemed to drain from his body, causing him to slump back against the door.
"Say something…" He whispered, the silence becoming too unbearable.
There was still quiet, causing him to look up. His eye caught with Monica's, tears spilled down her face and all he wanted to do was to hold her in his arms but he remember the way they had been the last few weeks; how much this was hurting her.
Rachel couldn't believe it; Chandler had cancer. Chandler. Their friend, the one who told jokes to cheer people, the one who had helped her deal with her parents' divorce all those years ago. He couldn't have cancer.
She followed his gaze, seeing him staring at his wife, wondering what was going on between them. At a time like this, they should be closer then anything. Monica should be doing all she could to support him, comfort him but it seemed like she was pushing him away, letting him deal with it on his own.
Ross wanted to say something, he wanted to know how bad it was, if he was going to survive but he couldn't find the words. How was he meant to ask his best friend that? What was he thinking, of course he was going to survive, it was Chandler. His best friend since college, he wasn't going to die…was he?
Phoebe was numb, she couldn't think of anything she just reminded silent. It wasn't until she felt Mike grab hold of her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze that she actually thought about what this meant. Cancer, painful treatment, operations…. Death.
When Chandler had finally told them what was going on, Joey wanted to shout out that he was right about Chandler not having an affair but before the words had chance to slip from his mouth he suddenly realised what Chandler was saying. He choked and tears filled his eyes, he covered his mouth in shock.
The small cry from Joey made Chandler break eye contact with Monica; he glanced at his old roommate, who now had his back to him. He then looked around at every one of his friends, all them staring at him with the same look, a look he couldn't read.
"I hate silence…" He said, quietly hopefully prompting one of them to talk but it never worked. He took a deep, shaky breath before turning and walking out the door.
"Chandler…" Monica called out weakly but it was to late, he was already gone.
XxXxX
Chandler sat on the cold sand for what seemed like hours, just watching the waves crash over the rocks. Tears lined his eyes as he thought about what had just happened. His friends used to be so supportive, he told them what was going on and they just looked at him. He needed someone to help him through; he needed someone to reassure him, tell him everything was going to be okay.
He didn't know what to do, he was meant to go back to New York to see his doctor and get the results that would tell him whether or not he'd be around to watch his children grow up.
He lied down and stared up at the stars as he thought about the twins. What was he going to do? They meant the world to him, he couldn't leave them. They worked so hard to get them, now it all could be taken away from him.
He tried to swallow the lump that rose in his throat and he covered his eyes with his hands, hoping it would stop the tears falling down his face.
He could fell someone standing over him, watching him. There was 5 possible people who it could be but he only wanted it to be just one of them.
He moved his hand and looked back up at them, his heart sank when he saw who it was.
"Hey…" He pulled himself back to sitting up. "How did you know, I'd be here?"
Rachel shrugged and sat down. "I don't know, I guess this is where I would come if I needed to think or something…"
"Oh…" Was the only think Chandler could say.
"Tell me it's a joke…" Rachel pleaded tearfully. "Tell me you're just messing with us."
"Rach…" He started but he couldn't find the words to finish what he was going to say.
"I'm so sorry, Chandler…" She moved closer to him, hugging him tightly. "I can't believe this is happening."
"Tell me about it." He let out a short laugh.
"Why didn't you talk to us? Why didn't you tell us sooner?"
"I couldn't…you all got so much going on at the moment…" Chandler explained.
"That doesn't matter!" She told him. "You're one of our best friends…you're family!"
"I just couldn't…" Chandler sighed in defeat.
Rachel nodded and looked out onto the water, silence settled over them. When Rachel had left the house, she had so many questions, so many things to tell him but know her mind was blank. She knew it should be Monica here instead but when no one else made a move to go after Chandler, she knew she had to do something.
"So, you and Mon aren't getting a divorce then?"
"I don't know…" Chandler whispered.
"What? You can't get a divorce!! Not now, you two need each other!!"
"Rach, for the last few weeks she's been pushing me away because she's scared and hurt…" He looked at her. "I can't stand being the one who's doing that to her, I can't hurt her no more….maybe I should leave…do what she wants."
Rachel bit down on her bottom lip, gently in attempt not to cry. "What do you want to do?"
Chandler sighed and thought about her question for a moment. "I wanna swim out into the middle of the sea and just stay there…just forget everything that is happening."
"I was kind of hoping you'd stay here…" A voice from behind them caused both Chandler and Rachel to look up quickly.
"I'll give you guys some time…" Rachel stated, slowly standing up. She squeezed Chandler's shoulder reassuring as she turned to head back to Joey's house.
"I'm sorry." Monica said as she took Rachel's place.
"What for? You have done anything."
"I should have supported you…I should have been there to help you!"
"Mon, I understand why you did what you did."
"It doesn't make it alright though, does it?" She hung her head slightly.
He glanced at her but she refused to meet his eyes, he slowly reached out his hand, entwining his fingers with hers. She looked up at him questionable.
He sifted closer to her and used his free hand to brush away the tears.
"You're going to be here now, aren't you?" He asked, his voice no louder then a whispered.
She nodded her head quickly, not being able to speak, letting out a cry when he simply pulled her into his arms and just held her.
XxXxX
Rachel closed the door behind her quietly as she entered Joey's house, causing the rest of them to jump up.
"Where are Chandler and Mon?" Joey asked, seeing her alone.
"They talking…" She told them. "Sorting things out, I hope."
"Yeah, they will…." Phoebe nodded. "They wouldn't break up over something like this, would they?"
"Of course they won't!" Ross stated.
"You didn't hear Chandler…" Rachel mumbled.
"What's that meant to mean?"
"Well, for one he's more concerned about what this is doing Mon then anything else…" She explained. "I mean, he thought it would be best if he just left because he couldn't handle seeing her hurt."
"Yeah but that was before any of us knew…. We can help them now."
"What I don't get is why Monica was acting that way!" She continued, now the initial shock of Chandler's illness had worn off, she was angry about her friend's actions. "I mean he needed her to be there for him."
"People deal with this sort of thing in different ways…" Ross shrugged dropping back down in his chair.
"Yeah but if I had a husband like Chandler…"
"Whoa, if you had a husband like Chandler?" Ross jumped back up, interrupting her. "What about me?"
Rachel rolled her eyes. "We're not married…that's all I meant."
"Oh right, okay…" He frowned slightly.
"Do you think we should go out and look for them?" Joey asked, worried for his best friend.
"Nah, I think we should give them some space." Ross advised. "Y'know let them sort all this out."
"That's if they are sorting it out…"
"What's going on with you?" Ross turned to face his fiancée.
"Nothing! I just don't think Chandler could take anymore."
"Look, Mon and Chandler love each other…. they'll be able to work this out." Ross said softly. "They belong together…don't worry."
"Yeah…." Was Rachel's quiet reply, she glanced up and saw Phoebe looking at her questionable.
XxXxX
Chandler and Monica walked hand in hand back to the house in a comfortable silence. They decided that tonight was not the best time to talk about everything and just enjoyed each other's company.
They weren't surprised to see everyone up, waiting for them to come in.
"Hey…." Chandler said slowly, waiting for their reactions.
"I'm so sorry about earlier!" Ross said quickly before anyone else had chance to do anything.
"Don't worry about it…it's already forgotten." He gave him a small smile.
"So, what happens now?" Phoebe asked, after a few seconds had passed.
"Well, I'm heading back to New York tomorrow…. To find out what's going on."
"No…" Monica shook her head, looking up at him and giving his hand a light squeeze. "We're heading back to New York."
"Yeah, we'll come to…" Rachel added. "I mean, if you don't mind."
"Of course we don't…" Chandler looked at her. "We could do with all the help we can get!"
"Yeah, thanks, Rach…" Monica shot her a thankful smile.
"So…what has the doctor actually said?" Ross started. "Is it treatable? How bad…"
Chandler cut him off by holding up his hand. "Ross, can we just leave it for tonight…. I just wanna get some sleep."
"Oh yeah, sure…" He nodded understandingly.
"We'll talk in the morning, yeah?"
"Yeah…"
"Okay then…" Chandler looked at Joey, who had been quiet since they had returned; he walked over to him. "Joey? You okay?"
Joey didn't reply; he just pulled Chandler into a hug.
"It's going to be okay, Joe…" Chandler sighed.
"I know…" He mumbled, he pulled back, not bothered about the tears in his eyes. "I'm going to help you through this okay…I'm going to make sure you're okay."
"I wouldn't make any promises, Joe…" Chandler laughed slightly.
"No, I mean it!" Joey insisted. "You've done everything for me! If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here! You helped with money, my career…with everything! Now I'm going to help you with his."
Chandler nodded slightly, touched by his friend's sentiment. "Thanks, Joe…I umm, I really appreciate that."
Chandler felt the best he had in weeks, surrounded by his friends who were being supportive and he felt like he had gotten his wife back. Everything was slowly turning back to normal, well for the time being, until he founds out what kind of future he is facing.
"Wow, look at me…you would have never thought 4 years ago, I couldn't cry…" Chandler tried to joke as he dried his eyes. "Well, I'm beat, I'm heading to bed."
"Yeah…I think we all are.." Ross stated, causing everyone else to agree. "Oh, we got the twins back to sleep…"
"Oh right, thanks…"
"Don't mention it."
Chandler couldn't help a small smile form on his face as he felt Monica grab hold of his hand as they both headed into their room.
"Rach, you coming up?" Ross asked, when he noticed her still stood in the living room.
"Oh, yeah, I'll be up in a second…" She stuttered, picking up a few things on the floor. "I'm going to sort this out first."
"Okay…" Ross said slowly, wondering why she was so bothered about how tidy the place was. He shook his head and carried on up stairs, leaving her on her own.
Chandler and Monica stood side by side next to the crib, looking down at their children, no words needed.
Chandler silently, leant down and kissed them both before leading Monica over to their bed and pulling her down into his arms.
"I missed this…" Chandler sighed contently.
"Me too…" She whispered back, hating how she had been pushing him away.
"Although, I few mornings I did wake up to find I had my arms around you but you were always still asleep so didn't notice."
"I wasn't…" She turned so she could look up at him but still stayed in his arms. "I use put your arms around me and just lie there…"
"What?" Chandler frowned slightly.
"I know it was me who was pushing you away and everything but I thought I was doing the right thing…. I thought it would easier to handle…but I couldn't, I missed you so much, I missed your hugs, the feel of your arms around me, your kisses…I missed all the little things…"
Chandler silenced her with a kiss, as he pulled back he wiped away the single tear that was slowly rolling down face with his thumb.
"It's okay…everything is okay, now…" He whispered, kissing her again, lightly.
She moved her hands to his head and pulled him closers, kissing him with more passion. She slowly pushed him down on his back and moved on top of him, without breaking the kiss.
"Mon? You sure about this?" He asked breathlessly.
"More then anything…" She assured him before leaning back down to kiss him.
Rachel stood out their door, clutching Jack's dinosaur. She had gone to give it to him when she heard the conversation between two of her best friends.
"What's going on, Rachel?" Phoebe asked; she had been watching her curiously from the top of the stairs since she had made a move towards the bedroom.
"What? Oh…I was umm…just giving Dino back to Jack…" She managed to stutter.
"Is that all that's going on?" Phoebe continued.
"Yeah, what else would it be?" Rachel laughed uneasy.
"Well…"
"What you guys up to?" Ross' voice interrupted them.
"Nothing, just talking." Rachel told him.
"Oh right, I thought you were coming to bed?" Ross frowned.
"I am…Night Pheebs." She handed the stuff toy to Phoebe as she walked past her.
"Yeah, night."
TBC
Once again 'Dino' the dinosaur has an important role in this chapter!! Hehehe anyway Please review and tell me your thoughts!!
