Part 8

3 Days Later
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown
0048 Local

Mac closed the door to her apartment and leaned against it. Paraguay was finally over. Sadik was dead. Dead... murdered, really, however you looked at it. She had coldly put a bullet through his skull. Mac tensed, squeezing her eyes shut. She was not going to let this eat at her. She had killed before when she had to, to defend herself and to save others. This would not be different. She would not let it. Mac pushed herself upright and walked into her bedroom. The debriefing had been mercifully short, Kershaw himself had conducted it. How much more was there to say? She'd been wearing a wire. They'd heard everything.

Stiffly, she began to get undressed, wincing when she hit a particularly sore spot. Mac held up her dress for a moment, taking in the tears and spots of blood before balling it up and firing it at the far wall. She wouldn't bother getting it fixed, she didn't need another reminder of tonight and what she'd done. It was the right thing, she told herself firmly. If ever a man deserved death, Sadik had. He had meted it out easily enough. She felt a grim satisfaction that he died without an audience, at the hand of a woman, denied his perverse gesture against the decadent West. Moving to the bathroom, Mac turned on the shower and then surveyed herself in the mirror. Her uniform would cover almost all the bruises, makeup would take care of the rest. With a little luck, no one would be the wiser about this evening's activities. She wasn't sure she'd be up for countless explanations of her appearance.

Well, that wasn't quite true. The Admiral would know - even money said Kershaw would fill him in on his Chief of Staff's activities this night. ... And Harm would know because she'd gone to him before everything went down to warn him about Sadik. What would she tell him? How would he feel about her once he knew she was capable of such ruthless killing? Mac stepped into the shower, hissing a little at the water's impact on her injuries. Closing her eyes, she tried to empty her mind of everything that was swirling through it. Sadik had caused more than physical damage. It was terrifying how much he'd known about her. His well-aimed barbs had struck home more often than she liked to admit - even to herself.

He'd called her a whore. That made it 3 men that had seen her that way. Her father, Sadik... and Harm. Mac's hands curled into fists. 'Stop it', she told herself firmly. 'Harm doesn't think of me like that.' Unbidden came the reply. 'Yeah? He all but accused you of getting into law school on your back. He thinks you've slept with Clay. What does that tell you?' She thumped a fist into the shower wall, 'Stop it! Goddammit, just stop it! I will not do this!' Taking a deep breath, Mac took an angry swipe at the faucets, turning off the water. Toweling dry, she slipped into her robe and padded out into the living room. Easing onto the couch, she curled up in the corner. She would be stiff as hell in the morning but right now, sleep was impossible.

Mac rested her head on the back of the couch. Why did all her little personal demons have to come out? She'd done something good. She'd rid the world of a vicious terrorist, gained vengeance for all the people he'd killed and probably saved countless lives. She'd played a dangerous game and survived. She should be feeling on top of the world and instead, she was letting her own doubts and insecurities have a field day.

Sadik had tried to seduce her, just as Harm had warned. In that, Mac had made a nearly fatal misjudgement. She had expected lust, had assumed that he wanted to dominate her physically. However, his goal hadn't been her body but her mind and spirit. He'd come closer than he probably realized. There were gaping holes in her defenses and it had been sheer stubbornness that kept her just out of his reach. She snorted softly. It was ironic that she had her nightmarish childhood and her eight year dance with Harm to thank for her continued existence. The shields she had erected around herself had been tested by experts. In the end, it had cost Sadik his life.

2 Days Later
Congresswoman Elbert's office
Washington, D.C.
0855 Local

" Welcome back, Mac," Michelle 'Mike' Elbert looked up from her desk. "We've missed your input... " She broke off what she was going to say and came around from behind her desk. Stopping in front of Mac, she stared at the Marine Colonel. Mac regarded her impassively while mentally revising her opinion of the Congresswoman's powers of observation. No one else had noticed (or bothered to comment) about the slight swelling from the bruises that make-up couldn't quite disguise. Raising a hand slightly, Mike scowled, her voice harsh, "What happened to you, Colonel? Admiral Chegwidden led me to believe you had to be in court these last two days."

" That was true," Mac replied calmly. It had taken a good day to get herself back into some semblance of control. It had been like Paraguay all over again. Some small sane part of her had watched in horror as she went on a roller coaster of emotional outbursts. It was amazing how quickly she'd gone from a euphoric high to being consumed by frustrated anger. She'd lashed out at practically anyone who came within reach, including the Admiral and Harm. She was fortunate to still have her position... fortunate that anybody was still talking to her.

It hadn't been like she was expecting drums and trumpets heralding her arrival at JAG the next morning, but she hadn't anticipated an almost complete lack of reaction either. Harm had been pre-occupied and, aside from a smile, hadn't said anything at all. As for the Admiral, he seemed more concerned that she might go off the deep end because she'd shot someone - which would deprive him of a sorely-needed attorney. Would it have killed someone... anyone to have said 'Well done'? She'd gone one-on-one with a deadly adversary, a man who was a legitimate threat to national security, come out alive and no one seemed to give a damn. Her thank you had been Chegwidden ordering her to see a therapist. Instead of a commendation in her records, there would be a note that she needed psychiatric help. That was just perfect.

Elbert folded her arms, "Military court must be a helluva lot more exciting than civilian court. Did you get into a fistfight with opposing counsel?"

" It didn't happen in court," Mac said dryly.

If anything, Mike looked even more agitated. "Are you going to make me pry the story out of you syllable by syllable? For godsake, what the hell happened?"

Mac looked down at the floor for a moment before meeting the Congresswoman's eyes once again, "I'm afraid it's classified." Technically, that was true and she had no doubt her role would remain a semi-secret. However, come appropriations time, she had a feeling that the CIA would happily claim credit for 'neutralizing' a dangerous terrorist on American soil before he could inflict any damage.

" Classified?!" Mike took a deep breath in an obvious attempt to control her temper, "I hope to hell the other guy looks worse." She was surprised by the grim look she received from the Colonel as well as her terse reply of 'He does.' Elbert hadn't spent years in the political arena without learning a few things. It was time to back off, figuratively and literally, and she did so. Stepping back and relaxing her posture, she was inwardly pleased to see the Colonel relax somewhat as well. She had speculated that Sarah MacKenzie would not react well to bullying and now here was proof. Putting on a calm facade, Mike nodded gravely, "Well, I suppose there's nothing more to say, is there? Are you ready to get to work, Mac?" She led the way to the conference room.

Next Day
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
1710 Local

Emma Fine walked into the bullpen and strode purposefully towards Sarah's office. No one stopped her or asked if she had an appointment. Either it really was true that if you walked like you knew where you were going, people tended to ignore you or that nice Gunnery Sergeant Walters had called up here and cleared the way for her. It was probably the latter. She doubted the military would be as lax as a civilian office.

" Mrs. Fine?"

She turned to see Commander Rabb coming out of an office. "Commander, how nice to see you again," Emma smiled up at the tall man. "Sarah tells me you've taken on a teenager. How are you enjoying it so far?"

Harm grinned and ducked his head a little, "Well, Mrs. Fine... "

" Emma," she interrupted firmly.

" Emma," he repeated dutifully, "It's been... an experience. Mattie's got a good head on her shoulders but I have to say, I don't remember being quite so volatile when I was a teenager."

Emma chuckled, "Call your mother and ask her. She'll be happy to remind you."

Harm smiled, shaking his head, "Somehow, I don't doubt that." He glanced over at Mac's office, "If you're looking for Mac, I believe she's in with the Admiral. She shouldn't be too much longer. Would you like to wait in her office?"

" Thank you, I would."

She turned and Harm escorted her across the bullpen. They stopped just inside the office. "Can I get you anything, Emma? Some coffee?"

" No, no, I'm fine, Commander..."

" Harm," he countered, raising an eyebrow.

" Harm," Emma smiled. She looked at him for a moment and then asked, "Can you tell me what's going on with Sarah? We were supposed to get together for dinner but she hasn't called me. Now I realize that your time isn't always your own but it's not like her not to let me know one way or the other. Is she all right?"

Harm shifted a little uncomfortably. What to say? That Mac had killed a man and gone a little bonkers but she seemed fine right now? She hadn't really talked to him since the night she came over to warn him about Sadik and, honestly, he couldn't tell if she was mad at him or not. He'd made a tentative attempt to find out how she was feeling but she'd been deep in her 'the-bastard-had-it-coming' mode and had dodged the question. At the moment, he was feeling a little guilty because he hadn't kept after her like he usually did when she was bottling something up. There was also the question of what was classified and what wasn't.
" Harm? You're starting to worry me. Tell me what's wrong." Emma's voice began to take on that 'I-will-be-obeyed' tone she'd perfected during the upbringing of three boys.

" Maybe I can help."

Harm and Emma both turned to see Kate Todd standing in the doorway. While Emma smiled in greeting, Harm's posture immediately stiffened as he scowled at the NCIS agent. "By doing what? Tossing her in the brig? I don't think Mac needs your kind of help."

Emma turned towards Harm in surprise. Sarah had told her about how he'd been falsely accused and thrown in jail. She could understand his ire but he needed to show some restraint. Besides, Sarah had also mentioned that Kate hadn't been with NCIS at that time. Emma clasped her hands in front of her and raised an eyebrow, "You two know each other?" She sounded pleasantly inquisitive - a manner which would have had her sons furiously backpedaling while they tried to figure out what they'd done wrong... and how she'd found out about it.

" No."

" Yes." They spoke at almost the same time and Harm inwardly flinched at the moment of deja vu. For a split second, he was standing at the curb, meeting Sarah MacKenzie for the first time and seeing Diane. He shook his head, "Ahhh, I mean no... we haven't actually met."

" I see," Emma pursed her lips while staring at the Commander.

Harm felt his face flush under her scrutiny. Damn, did all women have this ability? He could almost hear his mother: 'Harmon Rabb! Where are your manners? This is NOT how I raised you!' He took a deep breath and looked at Kate, "I apologize. That was uncalled for."

Kate nodded solemnly, keeping her amusement to herself. Amazing how Emma Fine could reprimand someone without actually opening her mouth. She'd give a week's salary to see if it would work on Gibbs. "Apology accepted, Commander, and I'd like to apologize to you on behalf of NCIS." Her mouth quirked into a half-smile, "I've found that dealing with Special Agent Gibbs means never hearing the words 'I'm sorry'."

Harm found himself smiling, "Now I'm doubly sorry I was rude. I can't imagine having to work with that man on a daily basis."

Kate waved a hand, "You get used to it. He's really not that bad."

Emma cleared her throat, "May we get back to the matter at hand? What's wrong with Sarah?"

Harm scrubbed a hand through his hair, "Emma, I'm not sure what I can tell you. What she was doing was classified."

" The CIA used her as bait to catch a terrorist and she wound up killing the man," Kate said bluntly. She folded her arms and glared at Harm when he looked at her askance. "What? You think Mrs. Fine is going to blab this to the world? She's worried and so am I."

" Well that makes three of us," Harm retorted, his temper rising. He made an effort to control himself, "Look, she hasn't been talking to me either. If you want to know what's going on with her, maybe you should try Clayton Webb." He glanced down at the floor, unable to keep the slight bitterness out of his voice.

" Or you could have asked me." The three of them turned to see a coldly furious Sarah MacKenzie glaring at them.

Emma took a step towards the angry Marine, her demeanor calm. In her years with the shelter, she'd dealt with much more violent outbursts from stressed and frightened women. Harm stayed where he was, keeping his mouth shut. He realized that Mac was right on the edge and didn't want to exacerbate the situation. The older woman spread out her hands and smiled quietly, "That's why we're all here, Sarah. We've been terribly worried about you." Moving to Mac's side, Emma put a light hand on her arm and starting leading her to her chair, "Come and sit down child. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I don't think we civilians truly appreciate the sacrifices of our military and if I've heard correctly, you've had to go above and beyond."

The confused look on Mac's face as she allowed herself to be seated was priceless. Harm kept his jaws tightly clenched, smiling now would ruin the spell Emma was skillfully weaving and, no doubt, would send Mac straight through the roof. He didn't dare look at Kate Todd, even as he prayed that she had the good sense to try and blend in with the woodwork as he was doing. Emma rested her hand lightly on Mac's shoulder as the Marine Colonel slowly lowered herself into the chair, "I just want you to know that you do have people you can count on. You don't have to go through this alone." She glanced over at Harm and Kate, "Would one of you get Sarah some tea? I'm sure she could use a cup."

Kate held up a hand, "I'll do it."

" I'll show you where the break room is," Harm volunteered, keeping his manner as easy and relaxed as Emma's. The older woman's nod and half-smile in his direction confirmed that he'd read her intentions correctly. They would give Emma some time alone with Mac.

Emma waited until the two left, Harm had thoughtfully closed the door on his way out. She looked down at Mac, "Kate told me about the terrorist, Sarah. I'm so sorry you had to be put into such a position."

Mac shook her head sharply, "You don't understand."

" You had to kill someone. I can't imagine what that must do to... "

" No!" Mac was growing more agitated. She stood up abruptly and started pacing. Emma leaned against the corner of the desk and watched her carefully. Mac stopped at the window and stared out before turning suddenly, "I murdered him, Emma. I deliberately killed that sadistic bastard and I'm not sorry!" She exhaled slowly, looking down at the floor and her shoulders slumped. She'd finally said it out loud. She truly wasn't sorry that Sadik was dead but the fact that she had essentially executed him had rocked her down to the foundation. Was she any better than he? Her moral compass was what got her through each day and now it was spinning wildly. Did she know what was right any more? Over the years, she'd listened to people rationalize the most hideous of offenses - was she now among their ranks? Dear God, what had she done to herself?

Emma blinked. This was not what she had expected to hear. She pushed herself off the desk and headed towards the door. Mac's head came up as a knot of dread formed. So this was it. She managed to drive Emma away and this was a woman who had been an unfailing pillar of support almost from the first moment that they'd met. What would Harm do when he found out? His damn sense of duty would force him to at least maintain a professional relationship even as his sense of honor would be telling him to have nothing to do with her. This was going to kill her. How ironic that Sadik would still win, even in his grave. Mac closed her eyes and hung her head, trying to fight the despair that was attempting to overwhelm her. She would not break down, not here.

She got the shock of her life when she suddenly found herself enveloped in Emma's warm embrace. It was the final blow and her last line of defense crumbled. Mac started to sob as she clung to the older woman.

Harm and Kate came back to find the door to Mac's office locked and the blinds closed. Harm stood there staring worriedly until he felt a light touch on his arm. He looked down at the NCIS agent.

Kate kept her voice low, "Is there someplace we can wait that's a little less conspicuous?" She glanced around the bullpen, they were beginning to attract a few looks from the bullpen.

Harm gave a minute nod, the staff was already off-balance from the behavior of the Admiral and their normally rock-steady Chief of Staff. Attracting more attention to Mac wasn't a good idea. Turning, he gestured towards Sturgis' office. The Commander had been in Norfolk since this morning. Harm wasn't sure if he was coming back to JAG so late in the day but he doubted if Turner would mind. They shifted the chairs so they could keep an eye on Mac's office and settled down. Harm looked at Kate, "Do you know exactly what happened that night? Mac wouldn't go into details other than telling me that she'd killed Sadik."

Kate gazed at him for a long moment while she considered her answer. She'd gotten her hands on the transcripts by alternately bullying, cajoling and ultimately bribing a lower echelon contact in the CIA. Friday night would see her on a date with the man. Gibbs would have been proud... or furious at what she'd done. What she'd read had surprised the hell out of her. Finally, she said, "I've seen the CIA report." Kate leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees, "Mac was wearing a wire and she let Sadik grab her." She glanced back over at Harm, "He was trying to turn her - convince her to embrace her Arab heritage and renounce the decadent West. He also wanted Mac to know that her safety would depend upon him. He was playing some serious mind games."

" What exactly did he say to her?" Harm was feeling more and more uneasy.

Kate looked at him steadily, "He said that she was a barren woman, that her life was empty of meaning. He called her a whore and told her that she let herself be with weak, ineffectual men and only by embracing the true faith could she be whole and content."

Harm stared at her, stricken. That bastard had done his homework. If Mac had a weak point, it was her self-image. She wore the persona of a kick-ass, no-nonsense Marine officer so easily it was difficult to remember just how insecure she could be. "That son of a bitch," he breathed softly. They both sat quietly for a few moments, then Harm looked over at Kate, "How did she react?"

Kate sat up a little, shaking her head, "She argued with him. Taunted him one minute and flattered him the next. It was quite a performance."

" How did she wind up shooting him?"

" The apartment Sadik had her in was near a popular Arab-American nightclub. He kept coming back to it as an example of how the West was perverting those of the Islamic faith. Mac finally asked if he was planning to do something about it and he didn't answer. That's when she realized he was going to destroy the club. After that, she kept pushing at him, trying to find out when the bomb was set to go off." She hesitated a little, "He kept telling her that she would only be safe under his protection - that he could reach her anywhere... like the JAG parking lot."

" Oh hell..." Harm stiffened briefly and then impatiently motioned for her to continue.

" He wanted her to see the explosion, see those kids die in the club. He wanted her to know that she was powerless to stop it."

Harm's brow furrowed, "Wait a minute, there wasn't a bombing that night."

" No," Kate shook her head. "She finally got him to tell her when it was supposed to go off. A couple of minutes later, the street was crawling with cops evacuating the building. After that, even a five-year-old would know he'd been had. Sadik went after her and there was a fight. Mac managed to knock the gun out of his hand. She got to it just as he pulled out a back-up. They both fired - he missed, she didn't."

" Damn." Harm scrubbed his face. Mac's behavior was making a lot more sense. Sadik must have kicked a boatload of little demons loose and then he'd gone and opened his big mouth and kicked a few himself. Harm straightened up and looked over at her office. "Damn," he repeated quietly.