LORD OF THE KEY RINGS, THE TWO TOWERS

Frodo and Sam find themselves on the eastern shore of the Anduin. They drag their boat on shore and as they start pulling their packs out they realize that they have no vehicle.

"Well, we're in a fix and make no mistake!"Sam exclaimed, "We're going to have to walk to Emyn Muil! Maybe if we're lucky they'll have a hummer rental place in a few miles."

"I wouldn't count on it Sam. I've heard Emyn Muil is impossible to drive through." Frodo replied discouragingly.

Frodo and Sam walked on and found themselves scrambling amongst the rocks. They found a nice place to sit and review their scripts.

"Look here Sam! I don't have to fall flat on my back! I love this script!"

"Yes, I'm growing quite fond of it myself!" replied Sam. They crawled on for a while then Gollum appeared.

"Hello hobbitsesss! Don't tie us up fat hobbit! We promissssse we won't hurtsss the masster! At leassst until we getss to Mount Doom," Gollum hissed.

"Glad we got that out of the way! I wasn't looking forward to tying you up!" admitted Sam.

"As long as we have your word, we won't distrust you a bit!" Frodo said.

"Good!" Gollum said. "Now letsss go!" The hobbits and Gollum headed out towards the Dead Marshes.

They reached the bottom of Emyn Muil and found much to Frodo and Sam's delight, the Last Alliance Swamp Boat Rental. Frodo and Sam went inside and inquired about renting one. A few minutes later they were walking out the door with the keys to a swamp boat. Gollum was steering and Sam was look out for any sticks that might be sticking up out of the marsh. They crossed the marshes in excellent time and soon found themselves walking to Mordor.

"Wait a minute!" Sam cried, "We should check the script before we go trudging all the way to the gate."

"Good idea Sam!" Frodo said. They checked their scripts and saw that they could skip the gates all together and head north. They looked north and saw the Last Alliance Swamp Boat Return and Car Rental. "What luck!" Frodo exclaimed. Sam and Gollum stayed behind as Frodo went in to explain that they wanted to trade in their swamp boat for a car. In a few minutes Frodo was driving towards them in a Jeep. Sam and Gollum got in. They made their way to where Faramir was, exchanged the necessary dialogue and kept going. They made their way to Cirith Ungol, exchanging the necessary dialogue as they drove by each place.

Merry and Pippin were enjoying their time, over all, being hauled in little red wagons. The bumps were kinda rough, but it was much better than being carried. When they reached Fangorn Forest, Merry and Pippin snuck out of the wagons and into the forest while the Uruks were singing karaoki. Ugluk would have spotted them if Grishnakh hadn't suddenly shouted out, "You're lip-syncing!"and pointed at Snaga.

"I am not you lier!" yelled Snaga. Instantly a fight broke out and curses, scripts, and knives were everywhere! Merry and Pippin gave each other a high five then proceeded to walk into the forest. They had no ropes to cut to leave as clues, but since they had been riding in a little red wagons, they had had plenty of time to create signs that said "WE WENT THIS WAY" and propped them up against trees as they went along. Unfortunately, they only made three, and soon ran out.

As they were walking through Fangorn Forest Pippin turned to Merry and said, "Why weren't the Uruk-hai in vehicles? Every body else is!"

"Didn't you read the foot note on page 187 of your script? It says that they can't drive because there are too reckless. You don't want a bunch of accidents do you? Besides, they're destructive enough without them!" Merry explained.

"True." replied Pippin.

They ran into Treebeard, and had a much friendlier meeting than the script called for. You see, Grishnakh wasn't in the mood to be squashed by an Ent, so the hobbits weren't chased and could casually meet Treebeard.

Merry and Pippin knew that Treebeard would take a very long time saying anything, so Merry said, "Don't worry about saying anything Treebeard, we've already read it all in the script!"

"Good!" Treebeard replied, "It does take such a long time for me to say anything. Want some Entwash?"

"Sure!" they said in unison. After drinking their fill, Treebeard and the hobbits went to the Entmoot. It was decided that instead of wasting time talking, they should just read the dialogue from the scripts. That took quite long enough. Soon the Ents were going off to fight Saruman.

After they trashed out Isengard, the whole lot of them sat around drinking Entwash, and waiting for Gandalf to show up.

Now, For Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. If you remember, got up to follow, fell over, then got up again. It took them a few minutes to get the trees to stop spinning, but once they did, the three were running off after Merry and Pippin.

They were running without stop until Gimli saw in his script that they didn't have to find the hobbits.

"WAIT!" Gimli shouted. Aragorn and Legolas came running back to him. "Look at this!" Aragorn grabbed the script from him.

"Hey! We don't have to chase after those hobbits! The script says that we find them later at Isengard. Sweet! In that case, why don't we just look for Eomer? I know where Eomer's cousin gets killed. We wouldn't get there in time to save him, but we would get there faster and save time."

"Yeah, sounds good to me!" agreed Legolas. So the three changed their direction and started running. They still had to stop for the night, however. When they did, something strange happened. Aragorn sat down. "OUCH!" he exclaimed!

"What is it Aragorn?" Legolas asked.

"I sat on a book!"Aragorn replied as he held it up. The light was failing, but he was able to see the black letters on the white cover. "Charge of the Light Brigade and Other Tennyson Classics." He opened it up and started reading. "Half a league, half a league..." he muttered to himself. Legolas and Gimli just looked at each other and wondered why they had never heard of the Charge of the Light Brigade.

"I really like this!" Aragorn exclaimed then started reciting it. Legolas and Gimli were becoming very concerned about Aragorn.

All the next day Aragorn recited it to himself. "Aragorn!" Legolas yelled while they were still running.

"What?" he yelled back.

"Stop reciting that poem! You are scaring Gimli and me!" shouted Legolas, then added, "Why aren't we driving!"

"Sorry! It's just such a good poem! And we aren't driving because we have to get cars from Eomer remember!" Aragorn shouted back.

"Oh yeah! Forgot!" Legolas shouted back.

The more Aragorn had a brilliant idea. He put it out of his mind though when he saw Eomer cruising over the plains in a red mustang convertable.

"Hey Eomer! It's Aragorn!" Aragorn shouted. Eomer saw him jumping up and down and waving his arms and came driving over.

"Hey Aragorn! You got here early. Listen, I'd love to stay and chat, but I really must get my cousin home. He's mortally wounded you know."

"I read as much." Aragorn replied.

"Aren't these scripts great! Well listen, We got two spare cars now that are difficult to tow in this hilly terrain, do you want them?" Eomer asked.

"Do I ever!" answered Aragorn with a very giddy look in his eyes. So Eomer threw a set of keys at Aragorn and a set at Legolas. Suddenly, Aragorn found himself looking at a black, 2005 Mustang. "SWEET!" Aragorn exclaimed. Legolas found himself looking at a blue Mustang GT. He just nodded his head with a huge grin on his face. Inside he was jumping up and down like a young elf getting his first bow and arrow set. Gimli didn't really like sports cars. He thought they were too small and dangerous.

"Well I won't lie to you Legolas, I prefer a solid truck or SUV or Jeep to be in. But I'll consent. You elves have quick reaction time. They got in their Mustangs and drove away. Now incase you are wondering, they were not off-roading in Ford Mustangs. They had smooth, well maintained dirt roads in Rohan. (They hadn't figured out asphalt yet.)

Aragorn and Legolas sped off towards Fangorn Forest to meet the new and improved Gandalf. They drove to the border of Fangorn and saw that the road ended. They got out and Gandalf came striding up to them out of the forest.

"It took you guys long enough! I was becoming quite tired of listening to that old ent ramble on!" Gandalf snapped.

"Nice to see you too!" Aragorn replied. "Do you have a car, or do you want to drive my loner from Eomer?"

"I have a car. I sweet car!" Gandalf grinned. He pulled out a key ring, held up a key, and walked over to a large rock.

"A rock?"Aragorn asked.

"No! Just watch!" Gandalf said. He grabbed a chunk of it and pulled it off. Underneath of the "rock", which was just a cover, was a white Lamborghini Diablo. Aragorn's jaw dropped and Legolas said, "Now that's a sports car!" Even Gimli had to admit that it was a fine piece of machinery. Gandalf got in, stuck his head out of the window and said, "Try to keep up! We're going to Edoras!" Gandalf sped off in a cloud of dust.

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli jumped in their cars and followed Gandalf before he became a white speck on the horizon. While Legolas started catching up he saw that his license plate said SHADOFAX. Legolas just laughed.

They made their way to Edoras. They parked their cars in the parking garage just inside the gates. The four climbed the streets to the Golden Hall, and were stopped at the door.

"HALT! You four must leave your weapons at the door." The guard commanded.

"We left our things in our cars." Gandalf said.

"You missed one!" the guard said.

"Which one?" Gandalf asked.

"Your staff."

"You're kidding me! You know that it's in the best interest of Rohan and Middle Earth that I have my staff! Or didn't you read the script!" Gandalf snapped in his typical fashion.

"I did! Well, okay I didn't! But it doesn't matter! Grima said..."

"Grima! Well that means nothing to me!" Gandalf said as he barged past him into the hall. The guard decided he didn't want to stop a determined wizard so he just sat down on a chair.

Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli walked into the hall. Gandalf cured Theoden who gave him many thanks. Theoden kicked Grima Wormtongue out of Rohan and Gandalf informed Theoden that the armies of Isengard were going to attack Rohan. While Gandalf and Theoden were reading to each other from their scripts, Aragorn and Eowyn were talking.

"Now, Aragorn, I know I'm suppose to have a thing for you, but I just don't!" Eowyn admitted.

"That's a relief!" Aragorn said. "Arwen told me she wasn't happy about us when she read the script."

"I figured as much. For sake of the script, and the book, I think we should still read through our dialogue together." Eowyn suggested.

"Yes, we probably should." Aragorn agreed. "Um... Eowyn, since I don't have to pretend I like you, could you tell me what that soup is made out of that you serve to me later?"

"Frankly, I don't know. Theoden makes it!"

"Really?"Aragorn exclaimed.

"Really. Doesn't it taste horrible?" Eowyn replied. They continued on with delightful conversation for a time until Gandalf called for them.

"Ok my friends, we are headed off to Helms Deep!" Gandalf announced.

"YES! To the mountians!" Gimli exclaimed!

In a few hours every able bodied man that could fight was assembled in front of the gate of Edoras. The women and children left first in charter buses, and the warriors soon followed. The buses made everything a little easier for the people at Helms Deep that had to find a place for all those people. It also saved the King and his men from having to deal with the wargs.

Theoden was driving his bus like a mad man. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Theoden's guards were in it. When the bus finally stopped they all ran out screaming "LAND! LAND!" and started kissing the ground the minute they hit it.

Gandalf drove up, got out and said to Theoden, "You are the scariest driver I've ever driven behind!"

Aragorn followed it up with, "You are never driving me again!" Theoden just looked at them with a bewildered face and said, "Well, Eomer had always told me I was a bad bus driver. Don't worry, from now on I'll only drive my car."

There was a pause. Everyone just stood around looking at each other blankly for a moment. After a few moments the silence was broken.

"Theoden," Gandalf said, "I have Eomer and his men parked just around the corner. When dawn comes I'll lead out a charge and we shall drive the forces of Isengard into a creepy and mysterious forest that is going to appear."

"Where do you see a forest?" Theoden asked.

"On page 276 of my script. See?" Gandalf pointed to it on the page. Theoden looked at it and said, "I see I see."

"Well, I must be off. I'll see you guys at sunrise!"

"Bye Gandalf!" Theoden, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli said in unison.

Everyone got themselves arranged and prepared everything for the attack. Having scripts they saw that they needed to block up the sewers.

"No, wait!" Legolas said, "Let's hide some elves down there. When the Uruk-hai try to get in there, we'll shoot them. We could put some of your troops down there as well Theoden. The enemy would never suspect it! If we kill the one that tries to light that weird round thing, we might be able to use it against them!"

Everyone just stared blankly at Legolas. They thought he was suppose to be Captain Obvious. At least, that's what the script made him look like.

"Wow Legolas, we never knew that you were so smart." Aragorn said.

"Well, the script writers made me look stupid because of the dinner party incident." Legolas replied.

"The dinner party incident!" laughed Aragorn with a smile. "That was fun!"

"Sorry to break up your reminiscing, but there is one thing wrong with your plan Legolas, you're the only elf here." Theoden said.

"Look at your script!" Legolas said. Theoden read it and saw that a host of elves were suppose to appear. Almost the minute he was done reading it, they came marching up.

"Hey Haldir!" exclaimed Aragorn.

"Hey Aragorn! Hey Legolas!" Haldir said. "Where should we go?" he said asking Theoden.

"Don't look at me, look at your kinsman Legolas. He's got a brilliant plan for you guys." Theoden said.

Legolas and Haldir went off and got into position. Night came early, and so did the Uruk-hai. A furious battle ensued and thanks to the terrific planning of Legolas and Theoden, the losses on their side were much less and the loss of Uruk-hai were great. Some time in the early hours of the morning the Uruk-hai tried putting those bomb like things into the sewers. The elves slew the carriers of it and the Uruk-hai with the torch. The elves grabbed the torch and the bomb like things and put about twenty elves in front of the ones carrying it and fought their way a good deal into the Uruk-hai lines. The set the bomb thing down, and started running back towards the wall. Haldir turned around and threw the torch into it and it blew up.

When the sunrise came, Gandalf and Eomer led the way! They appeared from a hidden car tunnel just outside the wall of Helm's Deep and they all started driving. The Uruk-hai, unwilling to be ran over, started running towards the mysterious forest. When the last one was in they all got out and congratulated each other. Haldir survived the night, and led his kinsmen home.

Everyone got back on the buses and drove home. This time Aragorn drove and Theoden rode. When they got back to Edoras, everyone got in their cars and sped off towards Isengard. They reached it in good time, Gandalf and Saruman exchanged the necessary dialogue, Pippin found the Palantir and gave it to Gandalf. Knowing what would come of his looking into it, he decided not to, but still rode with Gandalf. Aragorn told Legolas he better take Merry. (He didn't want anymore questions about Arwen) It was a good idea, except, Aragorn hadn't counted on the fact that Legolas would retell the tale of the infamous dinner party.

When they all got out at Edoras, Merry, Legolas, and Gimli were laughing their fool heads off.

"And then... he stood up...and it we..wen..t everyyy...where!" Legolas said in-between laughs. Merry literally fell out of the open car door because he was laughing so hard. Aragorn didn't even notice it however because he was far too busy reading his new favorite poem. "Half a league...half a league..." he kept muttering to himself.

There was a huge party in the Golden Hall. Soon, the talk turned to how everyone would reclaim their lost song or loved bit of dialogue. It was decided that they would add it back in themselves, much to the annoyance of the script writers. It was also decided that they were going to do things in a much different way than intended from there on out. Theoden ordered pencils for everyone, and the great rewrite began. Everyone was up late into the night rewriting their scripts. The only things they could do different were dialogue and things between themselves, but it was enough to aggravate the script writers.

It was during the great re-write that Aragorn unveiled his brilliant plan to irk the writers into apologizing for their disservice to all in Middle-Earth.

THUS ENDS THE TWO TOWERS IN THE LORD OF THE KEY RINGS