THE LORD OF THE KEY RINGS, THE RETURN OF THE KING

Part 1

Frodo and Sam found themselves driving up to the gates of Cirith Ungol.

"Well Mr. Frodo, I suppose we have to leave the Jeep now." said Sam desparingly.

"Yessss, we mussst! Ssssilly fat hobbitsssesss." Gollum hissed. "We cannot climb such steep sstairs in a Jeep. Stupid fat hobbit." Samwise just shot him a nasty glance. They got out of the Jeep, locked it took the keys with them, and started climbing the steep stairs. The Ring was starting to pull on it's chain. Frodo found it increasingly hard to climb up the stairs. But thanks to the handy script and Gollum's promise, Frodo could trust Sam with out worry.

A very long time later the hobbits and Gollum found themselves scrambling to the top of the stairs. Frodo was very much dreading his encounter with Shelob. He almost didn't go in, but then he saw a sign hanging by some webbing that said, "GOLLUM, I'M STUCK IN THE SOUTH WING, BRING LUNCH THERE. -SHELOB" Frodo quickly snatched the sign down and showed it to Sam. Gollum was jumping up and down while screaming, "Let me see! Let me see!" Frodo looked at Sam in a rather panicked way, and Sam looked back at Frodo with a look that said, "don't look at me!" So Frodo just cleared his throat and said, "Um, it says that the South wing is blocked and we need to go through here."

"Oh! Follow meeee!" Gollum whispered in a gravely voice. Frodo and Sam went in with devious smiles on their faces. It looked like Frodo wouldn't get stabbed after all!

"I love these scripts!" Frodo kept saying to himself. Gollum led them through the dark tunnels and abandoned them once they were well in. Frodo and Sam instantly pulled out the Phial of Galadriel, and started running towards the exit that would lead into Mordor. They made it out of Shelob's Tunnels before Gollum discovered that Shelob was stuck in the South Wing.

Frodo and Sam sat outside the entrance feeling pretty good about their duping of Gollum. They took a moment to review their scripts and saw that it was rather necessary that Frodo was taken to Barad-Dur. So, Frodo quickly gave Sam the Ring. It was hard, but he did it. When the orcs came Frodo and Sam stood up to meet them.

"Hi! There's that nasty little blue eyed spy the Great Eye want's us to take! What's that chubby one doing here! I don't see him anywhere near here in the script." Turning to Sam Shagrat gruffly asked, "What are you doing here?"

Before Sam could speak Frodo said, "My name is Frodo Baggins. I'm the one you want to take to Mordor."

"So come along! Don't waste my time!" Shagrat snapped.

"I will, but first, I would like to make a deal with you." Shagrat looked at Frodo rather distrustfully, but those big blue eyes looked so honest that he had to say, "What's your deal?"

"You take me without struggle or causing me any harm, and in return my gardener Sam won't kill any of your men when he comes to get me."

Shagrat was in thought then said, "We'll accept your offer! We won't hurt your gardener either as long as you do something for us!"

"What's that?" Asked Frodo.

Shagrat slyly replied"We want you to give us the keys to that Jeep you rented!" Frodo looked horrified. That would mean that he would never be able to rent a car again in all of the West! He thought about it for a while and the orcs became impatient. Eventually he responded.

"Oh, very well!" Frodo reluctantly tossed Shagrat the keys. Shagrat then made a clumsy bow, and said, "After you Mr. Baggins!" Frodo walked in the front of the procession with Shagrat right behind. As much as Sam loved the scripts, he felt they could be a bit bothersome at times. Like now for instance. He had to sit around outside Shelob's Tunnel just waiting for the time he could follow Mr. Frodo to rescue him.

After ten minutes of sitting there he heard a horrible scream! "WE HATES THE HOBBITSESSSS! MASTER TRICKSS US! FAT ONE TRICKSS US! WE HATES THEM WE HATES THEM!" Followed by another long piercing scream. Sam realized that Gollum had discovered the stuck Shelob. Not wanting to fight with that frog looking Gollum, he decided to run after Frodo.

Shagrat reached the door to Barad-Dur and told all the orcs to leave the next creature that came by alone. So when Sam burst in the doors panting a few moments later, the orcs took hardly any notice. While Sam was still breathing heavily, everyone heard a loud bang on the door. The orcs looked at the door wondering what that noise had been.

The noise had been Gollum running into the door. He had been on Sam's heels all the way to the tower and when Sam came in and slammed the black door, Gollum didn't notice and ran into it full force. That knocked him out for a while.

Sam started climbing the steps. He made it all the way to the top and found the trap door that led to the top room where Frodo was. He entered and Shagrat and Gorbag just grunted. In front of them were some jacks and a small stack of various orc gear. Frodo was sitting there with a big smile on his face.

"What's going on here Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked.

"Oh, hi Sam! Shagrat, Gorbag and I were just playing a friendly game of jacks!"

"Friendly my knife!" Gorbag grumbled.

"What do you mean?" Sam asked looking at each person in turn.

"You see, Shagrat and Gorbag wanted my mithriel shirt. I told them I wanted to keep it. They demanded it and I told them I would play a friendly game of jacks and whoever won would get the shirt. We played several games, and I won all of them, and well, I won two complete orc armor sets!"

"I still say you cheated!" Gorbag yelled.

"No Gorbag, I didn't cheat. It was all skill! All skill!" Frodo repeated with a big smile while nodding his head slightly. Frodo and Sam grabbed the gear and left. After the trap door was closed the hobbits heard a few nasty orc curses and loud knocks and bumps. Gorbag and Shagrat got into a huge fight. The door opened and Shagrat screamed for back up. Suddenly the whole tower was in a fight. Sam and Frodo, luckily, hadn't put on the orc gear, so they were completely ignored as they walked through the tower and out the door.

Frodo and Sam snuck by the unconscious Gollum and headed off towards the plain of Gorgoroth.

Meanwhile, far away in the halls of Theoden, the great re-write was coming towards an end. Aragorn had just finished telling his magnificent plan when Theoden stood up.

"Men of Rohan, the party is over! The time for action has come! We must ride now for Gondor! We must go and fight for the freedom of Middle Earth! We must fight for the vengeance of Middle Earth on the script writers!" The Golden Hall burst into a tremendous roar of agreement. The army of the Rohirrim all headed out to the horse stables, yes horse stables, and got their horses ready to ride.

While they were doing that, Theoden, Gandalf, and Aragorn gathered around the Palantir.

"Aragorn, you should use it." Gandalf said. Aragorn reached out and seized it. A few seconds later he was talking directly to Sauron.

"Hello, this is Aragorn son of Arathorn."

"So hurry up with those eye drops! Oh, is this thing on?" Sauron cleared his throat and turned to Aragorn. "What do you want?" Sauron hissed. "I'm busy searching for my Ring!"

"I want to tell you something that you may like."

"Unless you're telling me you are giving me my Ring, I'm not interested."

"Just listen please! Now Theoden, Gandalf, and myself have decided that it is in the best interest of Middle Earth to mess everything up."

Sauron replied, "I don't care! All I want is my Ring! I can mess up Middle Earth on my own! GOOD BYE!" Suddenly the Palantir was dark.

"Fine!" said Aragorn setting the cloth back over it, "We're going to mess up everything and destroy you all by ourselves!"

Aragorn, Gandalf, and Theoden ordered for the Rohirrim to be mustered, everyone to use horses, and for the plan to begin!

The Rohirrim were mustered and soon rode off to Gondor. Half way there they stopped by the entrance to the Paths of the Dead. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli rode into the Paths of the Dead and soon were talking with the King of the Dead. Aragorn told the Dead King that if he would help them out, he would hold their oath fulfilled. The Dead King, who was quite sick of haunting the mountains, agreed.

The three travelers made their way out of the Dead King's halls and found themselves staring at the enemy ships. Instead of hollering to the captain of the ship, the King of the Dead floated down there and started talking with the captain. The captain, was a bit afraid at first, but when the Dead King told him that if he fought for Gondor he would be forgiven for fighting against Gondor, he would be able to keep his life and his ships, and they would be left in peace.

"What will that creepy wraith guy say?" The captain asked.

The Dead King just looked at him in a very puzzled manner.

"You know, he calls himself a messenger of Sauron. I once heard him say he was some ancient king." The captain explained.

"Oh! Him! Don't worry!" The King of the Dead assured, "The wraith and his master will be destroyed before they ever find out about it!"

"Then it's a deal! One question though, where is this stuff in the script?" The Dead King explained quickly to him what was going on. The captain ordered his ships to all anchor near shore. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli boarded and the ships set sail again.

After an hour, the wind died and they were going no where. Getting frustrated Aragorn cried, "We are moving slowly! Sauron may act faster than he wanted to because he knows we are going to be doing everything wrong. Is there any way to move faster?" The captain looked at him with a look that said, "do I look like a magician to you?" then the Dead King spoke.

"The dead can make this boat move faster!"

"Then please do so!" Aragorn requested as calmly as he could. Suddenly, the boats jerked forward and started moving at a fast rate. Aragorn smiled and said, "This is more like it!" Just then Legolas came up.

"Aragorn, have you ever noticed how the gulls cry? Or how beautiful the wide waters are, or how green the fields of Lebennin are?" a half dreamy, half thoughtful eyed Legolas asked.

"Are you just saying that or are you serious?" Aragorn asked.

"Serious." He quietly replied.

"Great!" Aragorn mumbled to himself, "He's got the sea longing! Nothing better than an elf torn in two during a conspiracy and a war!" A few minutes later Gimli came walking up. He saw the glazed eyes of Legolas.

"What's wrong with the elf?" Gimli asked Aragorn.

"Sea longing." Aragorn flatly replied.

"Great! Nothing better than an elf with sea longing during a conspiracy and a war!" Gimli said.

"That's just what I said!" Aragorn exclaimed!

"No kidding!"Gimli said. Suddenly Legolas started chanting some ancient elvish song of the sea.

Gimli rolled his eyes then asked "So how far is it to Gondor, Aragorn?"

Meanwhile, Gandalf had decided that he would not take a horse, but his car. He took Pippin with him. He drove off with the pedal to the metal, and only stopped once to refill his gas tank. Upon reaching Minas Tirith, Gandalf entered the main gate and left his car parked in the lowest level of the parking garage. From there they borrowed a horse and rode through the winding streets of Minas Tirith til they reached the tallest citadel. They gave the reigns to a guard standing by the fountain, and walked in to see Denethor.

"Gandalf! Don't even start with all your nice talk to me! I know why you're here. You want me to defend the city. I know about that nasty unwashed ranger from the north, and I know about your little halflings that you love so well! I also know that my son is dead! Just save your breath and..."

"That's not was I was going to say STEWARD Denethor, I was going to say that the unwashed ranger from the north has an idea that you need to hear, so shut up and listen!" Gandalf angrily snapped. Denethor sat there with a stupid look on his face. He hadn't expected to be told to shut up like that.

"Proceed." growled Denethor. Gandalf proceeded to tell Denethor the marvelous plan for ruining the script writers script. As the plan was told, Denethor sat there with the same grumpy scowl that always was on his face. It was then that Gandalf decided that the only time Denethor smiled was when Boromir did something.

"Sounds like a good idea Gandalf. I'll go in on it. Don't think I like it though! I see that all of Middle Earth is against me! What else can I do!" He angrily grumbled.

Gandalf rolled his eyes and thought, 'I'd rather deal with hobbits than this old...' but his thoughts were cut off as he heard Pippin, for no real reason say the stupidest thing he could have in his short hobbit life.

"Mr. Denethor Steward, sir, I wish to offer you my service for, um, I don't really know."

"How about out of gratitude for my son sacrificing his life for you and your stupid relation!" Denethor loudly growled.

"Actually, he didn't. We gave ourselves up to the Uruk-hai while Boromir hired two of them to carry his canoe down the falls of Rauros." It was at this point Gandalf whacked Pippin with his staff.

"He what! He hired two of the enemy to carry his canoe!" Denethor screamed. His face became twisted into the most frightful expression Pippin had ever seen! Pippin hid himself behind Gandalf's cloak.

"Why didn't he fight! It is what the script said to do! He must be lying dead by the edge of the falls, stabbed in the back by those servants of the enemy!" Denethor started sobbing. In between sobs Pippin thought he had heard the words 'favorite', 'dishonorable death' and 'somehow Faramir's fault'.

When they left Pippin asked who Faramir was. Gandalf told him and Pippin said that he felt sorry for him. For the record, Pippin was never given his honorary position for two reasons, the first one being the fact that he really didn't have a debt to pay, and second, Denethor decided it would help frustrate the script writers. Instead of honorary position however, he was given a special brooch that hadn't been used in hundreds of years, and was the Middle Earth version of an all access pass to Minas Tirith.

Gandalf and Pippin went to their room and were really ticked off that they had to share. A note on their desk explained that all the other spare rooms were being used for holding swords, bows, arrows, and various other things needed in war.

Some time the next day the seige began. When Faramir and his men tried getting back to Minas Tirith from Osgiliath, the Ringwraiths started attacking the riders with their fell beasts. Gandalf, seeing he was definitely needed, ran to the main level faster than seemed possible, jumped in his car and drove out the gate. On Gandalf's Lamborghini Diablo he had hired a friend of his to put in special head lights that he could control the direction in which they shone, and how brightly they shone. His flood lights were more like large searchlights.

Anyway, he sped out onto the field and directed his head lights up then turned them on (he didn't want to blind Faramir or his men). The Ringwraiths were not only repelled, but blinded by the high wattage of the head lights. The fell beasts and the wraiths went swerving back in the general direction of Mordor.

Upon everyone's return Pippin ran up to Gandalf and asked, "Why didn't you take me with you?"

"Because I didn't feel like it!" Gandalf snapped. High speed chases made him tired, which in turn made him cranky. He looked over at Faramir and saw he had a strange look upon his face. "What's wrong Faramir?" he asked full of concern.

"I have seen one of those halflings before. They were driving past me in a rental jeep while I was in Ithilien. They said they were going to Cirith Ungol."

"I knew that all already. I read it in the script. Is that all that was bugging you?"

"No. The thing that is really bugging me is that, three nights ago, I was wakeful at midnight, I went down to the river and there saw Boromir, paddling past me in a boat. He was wearing a shirt that said I SURVIVED THE FALLS OF RAUROS. That's not all either! As he went by he waved and said, 'Hi little brother! I'll see you later!' then continued paddling down the river. I thought he was suppose to be dead! That's what the script said anyway!" Poor Faramir looked very confused.

"Oh, something you ought to know, nearly everyone else besides yourself and Frodo and Sam have abandoned the script. We don't do what it says. As a matter of fact, we are trying to reek revenge on the script writers for hacking up the book. We're disgracing them by ruining the whole the thing."

"I see I see!" said Faramir while stroking his chin. He got a devilish look on his face and asked, "What should I do?"

"Inform your men what is going on, kill as many orcs as you can, and tell them all to go crazy." Gandalf said in a very serious way. Pippin looked at him and smothered a laugh. Faramir then checked in with his father, which told him not to go back to Osgiliath, but to stay in Minis Tirith.

Now, the assumption that Sauron would attack faster than he wanted to was correct. By that afternoon the armies of Mordor started arranging themselves for the seige of Minas Tirith. Denethor looked out from the lofty citadel and nearly fell back wards in horror at the sight of the enemy.

A black colored mass covered the ground. Noisy semi trucks were pulling up towards the gate. The small but ferocious cave trolls that drove the trucks kept honking their horns. The very noise made all the men of Gondor cover their ears. Once that noise stopped, another, more horrible sound ensued, the sound was the noise of karaoki being sung by the orcs. It was not just any song though, it was the most horrible song known to man! It was the 99 bottles of beer song! All 99 verses were sung ere the end, and even Gandalf was suffering from the harsh voices singing that obnoxious song.

By the time the orcs had gotten to 88 bottles of beer, the Lord Denethor had passed out. Faramir was at his side trying to revive him. Suddenly an idea came to him, he gave a smothered chortle, and ran of to his room smothering laughs all the way. When he came back, he had a paint pallet and brush with him. He had some black, some green, some orange, some yellow, some red, blue, and white. He bent down over his father and started painting strange letters on his face with some funny shapes and pictures.

By the time Faramir was done, Denethor's face was covered in white and had written on it in four different languages and colors the words POINT AT ME, LAUGH AND MAKE FACES. As Faramir finished he said to himself, "This is payback daddy for all the times you said that I was a shame to you, and that you wished that I was more like Boromir, and every time you said that you had wished that I had gone instead of Boromir!"

Shortly after, Denethor woke up. The guards of the fountain and the tree looked at him and smiled. Fortunately for them, they wore high face masks that covered their grins. Denethor had no idea that he looked so. As the captains came up the stairs and asked Denethor what his commands were, they burst into laughter, while pointing and making faces because of the laughter. Denethor became enraged! He told them all to go die and not the way that seemed best to them. (You see, he was a very short tempered and proud fool.) Each time a captain came up and started laughing Denethor turned around and asked, "What are they laughing at!" Each time Faramir did his absolute best not to laugh or smile while he said, "I have no idea Father," After the third captain, Faramir had to excuse himself and went howling with laughter up to his room.

In the meantime, Gandalf saw Denethor still wasn't going to help with the battle so he sent Pippin up to see if Faramir would come down and help out. Pippin reached the top, saw Denethor, and started laughing so hard that he fell over. Pippin completely forgot about the battle and an enraged Denethor focused only on the laughing hobbit. The more angry he got, the more twisted his face became, the more ridiculous he looked. Pippin laughed harder and harder until he finally ran out of breath and lie on the ground trying to breath and laugh at the same time.

Several hours later and some time after sunset, the orcs crashed through the front gate, and the semi's pulled in. The small but ferocious cave trolls got out and opened the back. The scariest things in the world came out of the back of that truck, lipstick wearing trolls swinging clubs while singing You Are My Dark Lord (to the tune of You Are My Sunshine). The men thought the sound more horrible than wraith screeches while old teachers were running their fingernails down a chalk board. A lipstick wearing troll singing sounds more horrible than words can describe. At the sound of it, they threw down their weapons and ran like mad men to the second level.

While the lipstick wearing trolls were singing, Denethor was upstairs becoming increasingly upset. So upset, that he started flailing his arms around screaming, "Why are you laughing!" The guards of the fountain were not allowed to talk while on duty, so they couldn't tell him. He started running around and suddenly, the ridiculously long furry robe he wore brushed across an above ground fire pit that they kept near the doors and caught on fire. Denethor, unwilling to depart with his furry robe, and not thinking clearly enough to take it off, ran screaming around the citadel, "Ouch! Ouch! It hurts! It really hurts! What should I do? OUCH!" Suddenly, some sense came back to him and he quickly took off the flaming fur and chucked it over the edge. The orcs all looked up and exclaimed, "Wow! Fireworks!" Denethor was at this point slightly singed and very tired and passed out again. A forth captain who was coming to ask for orders saw him, laughed and pointed, then picked up his lord and took him to the Houses of Healing. Pippin, who had seen the whole scene, stopped laughing when it seemed Denethor was going to die, but after he flung the coat over the edge and passed out, Pippin started laughing again. He decided he should go ask Faramir if he would help.

TO BE CONTINUED. . .