LORD OF THE KEY RINGS, RETURN OF THE KING

Part 2

Disclaimer: I forgot to put it on the other pages, so this one will have to do for the whole story. I don't own Lord Of The Rings, I don't own the musical "OKLAHOMA!" I don't own the song "You are my Sunshine, I don't own the Crocodile HunterI do not own any of the cars in my story, nor do I own Ford, Chevrolet, whoever makes Lambroghini's (sp?) And I do not own the Charge of the Light Brigade. Or anything in this story. I don't even own my mind. It lets me use it when it comes to visit. So with out further delay, Part 2.

Theoden and Merry were camped out with the rest of the Rohirrim in front of the entrance to the Paths of the Dead. It was really early in the morning. They were sitting next to each other on a bench in silence. After several minutes of this Merry turned to Theoden.

"Do you figure I should offer you my sword?" Asked Merry.

"If you want to." Theoden replied. "If all you want is the ability to wander around the Riddermark freely, you could just get an honorary position."

"What sort of honorary position?"

"Well, you could be court jester!" Theoden teased. Merry just looked blankly at him. "Just kidding! Grima was the only one that I would ever give that position to! No, it is an honorary title. Given to select few that serve the King of the Riddermark."

"What, like get you a drink or something?"

"Of course not! You'd have to do something noticeable first."

"I know! I could paint the outside walls bright lime green!" Merry jested. Theoden gave him a look that said, "weirdo!"

"Would I get to be Lord Meriadoc?" He asked hopefully.

"No! Master Meriadoc, Friend of the Riddermark."

"Sounds nice."

"Yeah it is. The best part is, I could grant it to you right now just for your assistance in the great rewrite!"

"Would you? I would hate to find out later that Pippin had gotten his position as a tower guard or whatever he is, and I hadn't gotten anything."

"Sure! Kneel in front of me." Theoden said. "Hand me your sword." Merry handed him his sword. He held it in his hands looked at Merry, set the flat part of the blade on Merry's right shoulder and said, "I hereby declare that Meriadoc Brandybuck of the Shire is a Friend of the Riddermark and shall be able to go wherever he wishes in the Riddermark until the end of his days."

"Thank you Theoden King!" Merry said with a big smile.

"No problem! Don't mention it!" Theoden smiled back.

In a few hours they whole place was getting ready to leave.

"Theoden, does this mean I get to ride with you guys?" Merry asked.

"Sure! You still have to ride with Eowyn however." Merry got a big grin on his face. He thought Eowyn was very pretty, and between you and me, he had a crush on her! "Oh, before you go anywhere though, you have to go back to your tent. By now Hama should have put your armor on a stand in there."

Merry happily ran, almost skipped, off. When he reached his room sure enough, there was his armor. He put it on, and ran out to find Eowyn.

"Eowyn! Eowyn! Where are you?" He started yelling the moment he hit the door of his tent.

"Over here!" Eowyn yelled. Merry looked off towards his left and saw a smaller soldier waving her arms. Merry trotted over and greeted Eowyn. She helped him onto the horse, and she got on behind him.

A minute or two later Theoden was making some grand speech about how they should first and for most win against Sauron, and almost as importantly, ruin the script. The riders all cheered, waived their scripts in the air, and went thundering off towards Minis Tirith.

The guy with the red barbed arrow saw all the riders riding towards him. He had left before he could have been informed about the script changes. Now, incase your thinking, 'he wasn't in the movie!' I'd just like you to know that he was a Tolkien purist, and decided that it was very important that he do his job, no matter what. He had been given a script, and was using that to plan out when to leave. Well, like I was saying, he was suddenly being faced with thousands of war happy Rohirrim.

Eomer, who was in the front, told everyone to halt. It was lucky for the Gondorian guy that the Rohirrim were so good with horses, otherwise, he would have been a Gondorian pancake. The rider started explaining why he was there, and once the words 'Tolkien purist' left his lips Eomer stopped him.

"We are reeking revenge upon the script writers for their disservice to Middle Earth and all its inhabitants. Are you willing to ruin both script and book for the betterment of Middle Earth?" The Gondorian messenger sat on his horse thinking for a moment. Suddenly he saw the beacons of Minis Tirith had been lit and the very unused battle horns of the beacons were sounding loudly and off key. (the horns had been Faramir's idea.)

"Those horns must have been Faramir's idea." the Gondorian messenger said.

Theoden, who had reached the head of the procession by then said, "Oh good, Gandalf got there in time then! Let's keep going!"

They rode and rode until at last, the walls of Minis Tirith were in sight. All the Rohirrim plus the Hobbit and Gondorian guy were in the ranks listening to Theoden give another speech. It was a very moving, that is, everyone started yelling and cheering "DEATH! DEATH! TO SAURON AND SERVANTS! UNEMPLOYMENT! UNEMPLOYMENT TO THE SCRIPT WRITERS AND THE DIRECTOR!" With that being done, the orcs reformed their lines and waited for the Rohirrim come charging down the hill.

Frodo and Sam had just escaped Barad-Dur. They put on their orc armor, and then started reviewing their scripts.

"Look here Mr. Frodo! If we take our time, we don't have to run with those orcs, but if we hurry up, we can run with another group that is going right past Mount Doom. It will save us all sorts of time!"

"Where do you see that?" Frodo asked. "I don't see it in the script!"

"It's not in the script!" Sam smiled widely. "I swiped Shagrat's schedule of orc departures."

"You're sneaky! Let's catch the early group!" Frodo exclaimed. With that, they headed off towards the plains of Gorgoroth. They had been down in the plains for only 10 minutes when suddenly a large company of orcs headed towards Mount Doom came running by. Instead of the Hobbits being whipped and carefully watched, they jumped in line at the middle of the group. For hours they ran in silence. Suddenly, some orc at the front of the column suggested everyone started singing show tunes. Suddenly, they were surrounded by 150 orcs singing off key the theme song to "Oklahoma!" Sam just sighed. It was going to be a long run. Frodo didn't seem to notice however. It took five days, but they finally found themselves running past Mount Doom. Frodo and Sam jumped into a ditch, as soon as they saw one, and hid from the orcs.

"Are they gone?" Frodo asked.

"No! Can't you hear them singing show tunes still?" Sam asked.

"No! It's horrible Sam! All I can hear is Sauron coarsely singing "Oh where is my Precious?" and all I can see is his horrible fiery eye!" Frodo practically screamed the last words. Sam just looked at him and said unconceredly, "Sounds rotten. Want some Lembas?"

Frodo was to consumed to respond. As soon as the horrid sound of orcs singing show tunes was over, Sam hit Frodo on the shoulder and said, "Let's go!"

The two Hobbits made their way towards Mount Doom. Just as they started climbing the steep slopes Sam heard Gollum's hissing breath. Before Sam could turn around he was knocked on the head by Gollum. Gollum's blow did not have the effect that he wanted it to. All it accomplished was a nasty goose-egg on Sam's head, it did not knock him out. It made him enraged. Frodo, who wasn't getting weak at this point, just crazy, looked back and saw Gollum coming up behind him, he made a mad dash towards the distant entrance. Sam, seeing his opportunity to rid himself of the froggy looking Gollum, picked up a rock. Before he could through it, Gollum tripped on a rock and fell backwards down the mountains. As he rolled past Sam he yelled out, "AS YOU WISH!" Sam and Frodo turned around, looked at him, shrugged their shoulders and kept going. When Sam caught up to Frodo he asked if he knew why Gollum said that as he rolled down the hill.

"It's a weird side affect of having the Ring to long. You find yourself quoting stuff from the story about that one princess, you know, the one with a food name..."

"Buttercup wasn't it? Princess Buttercup?" Sam suggested.

"Yeah! That's it. The Princess Bride." Frodo exclaimed. "You start quoting the character you hate the most."

"That just goes to prove that Gollum is all bad. Wesley was a good guy!" Sam said. "You know Mr. Frodo, that story is the one told in Middle Earth that we aren't apart of."

"Very true Sam! Let's keep going!" Frodo and Sam trudged on for a while. Frodo became tired, so Sam carried him up the rest of the way. At the door he set Frodo down. Frodo slowly went in the evil archway.

Theoden was sitting at the top of the hill getting ready to charge, Frodo and Sam were just leaving Barad-Dur, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were sailing down the river. Gandalf was impatiently waiting for that "fool of Took" to return with Faramir.

Pippin went running up the stairs to Faramir's room and frantically knocked on the door.

"Gandalf's gonna kill me for taking so long!" Pippin thought in horror to himself as he knocked. Faramir answered the door. His face was still a little pink from laughter.

"Faramir! You must come with me quick to Gandalf. He sent me up here for you! You must help with the battle!" Pippin quickly explained.

"Ok! If I must!" Faramir reluctantly replied. Faramir was hoping he could hide in his room and read car magazines and dream about cars his dad wouldn't let him get. "Boromir got the car he wanted! He got a red '68 Ford Mustang! He got a Schwinn when he was ten. Me, I got Boromir's rusty old bike! I got a Geo Tracker! I wanted an old Thunderbird, but nooo!" Faramir grumbled to himself as he got on his gear. Faramir was slightly bitter. A few minutes later he emerged from his room in full armor. Pippin and Faramir went quickly down to wear a very impatient Gandalf was giving orders.

"You took long enough Pippin! Now go back up to the Citadel and make sure that Denethor doesn't do anything stupid, like use a Palantir!" Gandalf yelled above the noise. Pippin just nodded and ran off. While Gandalf and Faramir were busy winning a war, Pippin was trying to find Denethor.

Denethor, was sitting in his stewards seat, now he was standing. He started pacing. He was trying not to look into the Palantir that lay on a table in front of him. He just wanted to know what Sauron was doing! He wanted to see if Boromir was really alive. He wanted to see if he could get the Crocodile Hunter to appear. (It had worked a few a times!) He could no longer resist the urge to see if Crocodile Hunter was on, so he picked it up. Just then Pippin burst through the doors.

"DROP THAT PALANTIR!" Pippin shouted. Had he known what a police man was, he would have felt like one.

"NOOOO! NEVER! IT'S MINE! MY PRECIOUS!" Denethor shouted back.

"Are you just saying that?" Pippin asked in a very curious tone. Then put a suspicious look on his face and added, "Or are you serious?"

"I'm serious!" Denethor snarled! "You shall never take my Precious Palantir away! NEVER!" He screeched. He took his Palantir and held it close to himself. He ran screaming out of the hall. Pippin went running after him.

"Wait! Lord Denethor! I don't want to take it! I just don't want you to use it!" Pippin yelled as he went running after him. Pippin's shrill cries fell on deaf ears. Denethor was crazier than anyone ever thought! He was so in love with his Palantir that he would give it up to no one!

"If I can't have it! NO ONE WILL!" He muttered desperately to himself as he ran off towards Rath Dinnin. Apparently, he had forgotten what Gandalf told him and thought that he was going to burn. He ran in there, grabbed a torch from one of the walls, and jumped up onto the black table things that sat around in the middle of the halls for no apparent reason. His demise is like the movie, except in the end he runs screaming off the edge of the Citadel with his Palantir screaming, "MY PRECIOUS!"

Pippin saw him fly off the edge and said, "So passes Denethor, son of Ecthelion. Why am I saying Gandalf's lines?"

The orcs on the battle field looked up and became very confused. They thought Denethor had died already! Panic broke out across the lines of Mordor. Everyone was frantically searching through their scripts for explanations!

It was then the Riders of Rohan decided to go charging into the lines of Mordor.

"RIDE! FORWARD!" Theoden cried. Suddenly a sound greater than thunder was heard. The horribly confused orcs didn't reform lines, and thus many of them were squashed by the half crazed Rohirrim. The Rohirrim were doing a good job of destroying the enemy when suddenly, a low rumble was heard. OLIPHANTS!

"Junk!" Theoden said to himself. "I don't want to be squashed! I know! I'll tell Eomer to cover for me while I go wait by the Anduin for Aragorn and the rest!" He quickly rode off in search of Eomer.

"Eomer! Eomer! Over here quick!" Theoden called.

"Here! What are your orders!" Eomer asked, out of breath.

"Cover for me! I don't want to get squashed by my horse."

"But the Oliphants don't squash you, the Nazgul does!" Eomer argued.

"If the Oliphants are here, the Nazgul aren't far behind! Listen, if you do this for me, I give you the throne when this is all over, and I'll retire!"

"Deal!" Eomer said. They shook hands and Theoden ran off towards the river.

He had just reached the shores when the ships came up the river. Out jumped Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli.

"Hello fellows! Are those dead guys with you?" Theoden asked as if he were greeting them at a picnic.

"Yes they are, as well as the enemy. They agreed to fight for us!" Aragorn said. He then gave a loud whistle and all the gang planks were lowered and everyone came pouring out of the ships. The Mordor orcs which were left were terribly confused, and the riders on the Oliphants were confused as well. The Dead King led his dead army across the field and they single handedly took out all the oliphants while the everyone else started in on the orcs. Just when they were about to turn into the city to cleanse it of all the trolls and whatnot, two sounds were heard. One was fair horns, blowing in the distance, and the other was the horrible screech of the nazgul.

Prince Imrahill and his people had decided that regardless of what the script said, he was going to help Gondor. The Dark Lord, who was to busy looking for his Ring to care about the battle, didn't even notice that his forces were being laid to waste. Prince Imrahill saw Aragorn and rode up to him.

"What's going on here?" He cried.

"We have rejected the script and decided to do things our way. As revenge upon the script writers." Aragorn explained.

"Oh. What do you need me to do?" the prince asked.

"Help us clean the city of the evil trolls that are ransacking it at this moment!" Aragorn said. The men left the field to the Dead King and everyone entered the city. A brave and valiant battle ensued, but with all the extra help, Minas Tirith was quickly cleaned up. The Nazgul, seeing the absolute destruction of their forces below, decided it was useless sitting around terrorizing people when they had lost, so they turned around and went home.

Gandalf and Faramir were very glad that the help came so quickly. When the battle was over, Aragorn asked the Dead King if he would be willing to stick around and defeat Sauron. The Dead King informed him that he would rather eat dirt, so Aragorn released him.

It was decided quite quickly, that they all should go up to the Citadel and discuss their future plans of attack. They made their way to top, Went into the hall, and started talking. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Faramir, Eomer, Theoden, Prince Imrahill, Merry and Pippin, and Eowyn were all standing around talking.

"The first thing we ought to discuss," Legolas said, "Is who should shower first!"

The dirty, sweaty, smelly humans, dwarf, wizard, and hobbits just stared blankly at him. What did he mean shower? So Aragorn asked.

"What do you mean shower?" Aragorn asked.

"You people smell horrible! I think you all should bathe before we plan anything!" Legolas said.

"What about you?" Eomer asked.

"Elves don't smell bad. They can't." He proudly informed. "But I wouldn't mind bathing. I havn't done so in 25 hours!"

Everyone's jaws dropped in mock suprise.

"I'll shower first. I don't want to go in after all you smelly people!" He said. He gave a slight wink to his friends. (Meanwhile, the script writers were watching in horror, there was nothing they could do about it! ACK! It was driving them nuts!)

"Fine! Go first! I get it second!" Merry cried.

"Merry, there are 12 showers in this citadel alone. I think we could all take one at once. With one left over!" Aragorn said.

"No you can't!" Legolas exclaimed. "If we all take a shower at once, I won't have any hot water!"

"This is Minas Tirith Legolas, not Mirkwood! We can handle having 12 people taking hot showers all at once here." Aragorn said. Legolas gave him a faux dirty look. Their plan was going brilliantly! They could hear the script writers screaming off in the distance.

It was odd really, they didn't know where these mysterious script writers had come from, nor did they know why they had gotten a script in the first place! But that didn't matter, they were reeking revenge, and it was sweet!

Everyone split off and went to a separate shower. Half an hour later Gandalf, and the humans were back in the hall of the steward and the king, dry and clean. Including Aragorn. (The script writers fell over off their chairs.) Fifteen minutes after that, Gimli and the hobbits came out, all nice and clean! The hobbits' hair and Gimli's beard were still wet. Thirty minutes after that Legolas appeared. He was practically glowing he was so clean! Everyone gawked at the squeaky clean Legolas. His golden hair was almost shining, his skin looked like it was brand new, even his eyes looked cleaner! Nobody knew that elves could get so clean! Prince Imrahill had heard rumor, but nobody really knew.

"Now, this is clean!" Legolas cheerfully said. Gandalf had ordered chairs to be brought in so they could all sit down. Everyone was now clean, smelled good, even to Legolas, and were all wearing Gondorian complimentary robes. While their clothes were being cleaned.

"Now," Gandalf began. "Frodo is in Mordor with Samwise. I can't see where he is, but I would guess he is in or leaving Barad-Dur. We need to keep Sauron distracted. If we could use a Palantir, we might be able to see if Sauron was going to wait for us or if he would attack us again. Does anyone know where Denethor's is?"

"Um... It's wherever Denethor fell." Pippin stammared.

"What do you mean?" Gandalf said. Pippin proceeded to explain what all had happened with Denethor. Faramir looked a little sad, but not as devastated as you would think. He really had a thing against his father.

"Aragorn, do you still have that Palantir you looked in at Edoras?" Gandalf asked.

"Um, yeah, somewhere." Aragorn stammered. Gandalf rolled his eyes.

"It doesn't matter! We must act first! We won't let Sauron decide whether he wants to wait or whether he wants to strike us again! We will draw him out, we will keep him blind to all else that is moving! Half a league! Half a league! Half a league onward! Into the valley of death rode the men of the West!" Aragorn said. He looked like he was doing a mellow dramatic interpretation for a Drama King's and Queen's drama convention! One arm was dramatically raised in the air with his hand balled into a fist. He was looking up towards the ceiling. In this dramatic pose he froze.

Everyone sat in silence. Aragorn had done such a good job they thought he was serious. That and they were waiting for Legolas to deliver his line. They had left "a diversion" in the script.

"I refuse to say that! That's just a stupid line and I will not make all elves look stupid by saying that line!" Legolas protested.

"Fine!" Aragorn sighed. "But I do mean to set up a diversion! Tomorrow, everyone needs to rest, The day after, all who are able will ride to Mordor! We shall ride into the valley of death with hopefully more than six thousand! Eomer, please go tell the captain of the ships what my plan is. Eowyn, you and Faramir shall stay here! Someone must lead the people while we are gone!"

"I can fight!" Eowyn protested.

"I know you can!" Aragorn replied. "I also know that you have a secur..."

"Shut up Aragorn!" Eowyn yelled. "I'll stay!" Aragorn gave a devious smile of victory.

"What's a secur...?" Faramir whispered to Eowyn.

"I'll tell you later!" she whispered back.

Aragorn and everyone else got everything arranged. They finished their council about the same time their clothes were washed. A laundry lade came in and started handing out clothes. Legolas got his first.

"Good!" Legolas exclaimed. "Human clothes itch and don't fit right. I don't know how you humans can stand them!"

"We aren't as sensitive as elves are." Faramir said. Suddenly, the doors to the hall flew open and in walked Boromir, still wearing his "I survived the Falls of Rauros" t-shirt.

"BOROMIR!" everyone exclaimed. Faramir ran up to his brother and threw his arms around him.

"Wow! Little brother! I thought you hated me! Maybe I shouldn't die more often!" Boromir joked in suprise.

"Well, something I should tell you, Daddy died."

"Really?" Boromir said with a strange look on his face.

"Really." Faramir softly replied, trying to look remorseful.

"That's bad. Oh well, no need to cry over spilt milk!" Boromir nonchalantly said. Everyone looked in shock at Boromir. "Father was always so pushy! He demanded to much of me and gave to much to me! Faramir was so unjustly treated. Besides, he was crazy!" Boromir explained.

"Well that doesn't mean you should be so unconcerned about it!" Gandalf said. Boromir and Faramir looked blankly at Gandalf. Obviously he had never had Denethor as a father. They suddenly turned to each other, hugged again, and started to celebrate the non death of Boromir!

"Well, now that your reunion is over, I'm going to command that Merry stay behind as well!" Aragorn said.

"Me? Why?" Merry cried.

"Because someone needs to keep an eye on Eowyn and Faramir." Aragorn whispered.

"Right! Right!" Merry whispered back with a nod.

Everyone scattered to the many guests rooms of the Citadel to rest. Legolas stayed behind with Aragorn.

"Maybe you should have a dinner party when this is over Aragorn." Legolas jokingly whispered.

"No, I am not repeating the dinner party incident!" Aragorn exclaimed. "I know that's what your thinking!"

"Me? Noooo!" Legolas replied in faux innocence. "I would never dream of repeating the dinner party incident!" He said while making his eyes as big and innocent as he could.

"You elven liar!" Aragorn teased.

"Now, now! No need for name calling Aragorn! Now excuse me, I must get out of these horribly uncomfortable human made clothes!" Legolas teased. He walked away with a wicked smile on his lips.

Tomorrow came and everyone enjoyed the day off. Everyone woke up early and made their plans for battle, then spent the rest of the day loafing around Minas Tirith. At least, most everyone was loafing. Pippin and Merry were far to hyper to sit around and rest. After Gandalf gave them the death glare, and nearly everyone else told them to go away or be smacked, the two hyper hobbits went after Legolas and Gimli.

"Legolas! Gimli!" they screamed as they ran through Minas Tirith. Legolas and Gimli had been outside looking over the walls of Minas Tirith when Legolas heard the shrill cries.

"Oh great!" Legolas thought.

"What?" Gimli asked.

"Can't you hear those two hobbits screaming our names?" Legolas asked.

"No." Gimli replied.

"Deaf dwarves." Legolas muttered under his breath. Soon enough Gimli heard them as well and before either one of them wanted, they could see Merry and Pippin running up.

"Legolas! Gimli!" Pippin yelled. "We're bored!"

"Sing us a song! Tell us a story!" Merry shouted as he reached the two.

Legolas sighed. "Very well! Do you want to hear a long story or a short story?"

"A long one!" they said in unison.

"Very well. You asked for it!" Legolas said suppressing a wicked grin, and began. "Narn i hin Hurin..." or The Tale of the Children of Hurin. It is a long tale and Legolas had every intention of telling it in elvish, with all the drama and acting possible. If those two were going to ruin his day, he would make their's a nightmare!

Hobbits, having the short attention span that they do, didn't let him get to far into it before they asked, "Could you tell it in the common tongue?"

"No. Si Hurin..." Legolas continued. The hobbits couldn't handle it any more.

"Um, sorry Legolas but we must go eat something! Maybe we'll have you tell it to us later!" Pippin said inching away. As soon as the last word was out of his mouth he and Merry bolted. The rest of the day was spent in peace and quiet, by all.

Author's Note: Sincere thanks to everyone that has reviewed. Should you review again, tell me where your story is so I can read it and return the nice compliments! PLEASE! And do not worry. This is not the end! There is more to come! Don't keep your reviews to yourselves!