LORD OF THE RINGS RETURN OF THE KING
Part 3
Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Somebody else does. Half a League!
The day of rest was over, the day for riding like mad to Mordor had begun. A large convoy of charter buses, school buses, full sized vans, and pick up trucks hauling flat bed trailers were leaving Gondor and making their way to Mordor. Aragorn was dressed in Isildur's old armor, and was glowing as the sun reflected off the polished armor. He and the others made their way down to the lowest circle, where their cars were waiting. Theoden and Eomer were given loaner cars, very nice loaner cars, to drive to Mordor in. Legolas was given a car by Prince Imrahil, who had had some of his cars imported yesterday. Legolas' car was a bright red Enzo Ferrari. Suddenly, he didn't envy that Lamborghini Diablo quite as much.
Aragorn however, was stuck driving the standard vehicle of Gondorian stewards, glittering black Dodge Viper. Yes, a black Dodge Viper is a sweet car, but pales in comparison to a red Enzo Ferrari. Aragorn looked longingly at the Enzo as Legolas jumped in and reved the engine. Gimli gladly hopped in the riders seat.
Legolas looked like a young elf in a Lothlorien bow store. No, that's not quite accurate. To be anywhere near accurate all I can say is, put the biggest, happiest, most car crazy look that your mind's eye can conjure on his face, and then you will be getting close. Aragorn's eyes practically burned green with envy and longing.
For the record, Gandalf was back in his Lamborghini and took Pippin with him; Theoden, Eomer, and Boromir were in Mustang GT's; Prince Imrahil was in his Enzo, which was a shocking silver. Aragorn in his black Viper led the way out of Gondor's front gate. The future king, wizard, and various royalty and rulers quickly passed the first charter bus, and led the way to Mordor.
Just beyond the field of battle, the vehicles were parked. One row of charter buses shielded the gorgeous cars, and every one else parked behind them. The forces of the West were arranged and marched towards the Black Gate. Instead of only a few thousand however, there were many more thousand. The Dead Army was helpful in preserving lives.
Aragorn had the soldiers of Gondor and the soldiers from the ships be towards the front, with the men of Rohan towards the back with the over flow. Aragorn walked in front of all the army and started the weirdest speech ever heard in that land.
"Men of Gondor, Rohan, and Umbar! This is the day when we fight! Today we are fighting for the defeat of Sauron! Today we are fighting for the freedom of Middle Earth! Today we are fighting for revenge on the script writers!" Aragorn yelled. The masses cheered. Aragorn continued. "Today, as the people in the Charge of the Light Brigade are going into a fight, knowing we will probably die, knowing we will probably lose, knowing that it is hopeless! But we shall fight none the less! We shall fight for something greater than ourselves! So, everyone, turn to left, turn to your right, and say good bye to the person there!" The Men of the West and some from the east, did as they were instructed, then Aragorn resumed. "Oaths you have sworn! Fulfill them all! HALF A LEAGUE! HALF A LEAGUE! HALF A LEAGUE ONWARD! INTO THE VALLEY OF DEATH WE SHALL RIDE!"
Suddenly the air was ringing with thousands of men's voices chanting. "Half a league! Half a league! Half a league onward! Into the Valley of Death we shall ride!"
At the end of the word ride, Aragorn rode towards the gate with Gandalf and Pippin, Legolas and Gimli, and Eomer, Theoden, and Boromir. Gandalf shot a bolt of light up into the air and then Aragorn cried, "May the Lord of the Black Land come forth, or we shall come in and fetch him!"
Sauron was not ready. He was still waiting for his eye drops! Those dratted flames were preventing him from seeing much of anything, so he called for that servant he had kept sitting around for countless ages. Not the dead one, the zombie one! What was his name? Sauron couldn't remember. The zombie guy didn't remember, it had been to long since anyone had used it. Sauron decided that he would give him some mysterious creepy name. Thus it was the zombie one was called the Mouth of Sauron.
"Go tell those silly humans outside that I have 40,000 orcs sitting around waiting to fight, and that we caught their little spy, and that he is still alive, but is greatly tortured and disfigured." Sauron commanded.
"Lord Sauron, you only have 5,000 orcs because none ever came back from the siege of Minas Tirith, and we don't have a spy. We don't even have any false proof there was a spy!"
"I know that you stupid mouth piece! Here, show them this, its some old bear fur! Maybe they'll think it was from one of their spies. Tell them Nazgul number 1 pulled it himself!" Sauron yelled. He looked over at a helmet sitting on a table and added, "Put that thing on and go out there. If that doesn't freak them out, then they're stupider than they look! NOW GO!" Sauron commanded.
The Mouth of Sauron put on the helmet, and discovered, it had no eyes. He commanded an orc to take him to his horse and then lead him and horse to the front gate. The orc did so with many grumbles.
The Black Gate opened, and everyone saw the Mouth of Sauron come forth. The Mouth of Sauron gave a wicked smile. It would have made a dentist cringe! His teeth were huge, rotting, and a venomous yellowy/green color. His lips were a strange purple color, and his skin was a rotting whitish purple/green.
"I am the Mouth of Sauron!" he declared. "The Great Lord of Mordor warns you that he has 40,000 orcs ready to fight at this moment. The Dark Lord has captured your puny spy as well."
"You old liar!" Aragorn exclaimed. "Prove it!"
"Very well!" The Mouth of Sauron said. He searched through his robes and found the old bear fur and held it up. "This was pulled off your spy this morning by Nazgul 1 himself! Your weak spy has been tormented for the last three days! He is even now being tortured."
Gimli looked at the bear fur and said, "That isn't hobbit hair! That's bear's fur! Any idiot can see that!"
"Um...um..." the Mouth of Sauron stammered. "It is too! And if you don't surrender right now, and give all your possessions to Sauron, he will unleash his full force and fury upon you!"
"No! We shall never surrender!" Gandalf shouted back. In the meantime, Aragorn had been getting increasing annoyed by the Mouth of Sauron. He was pathetic!
"Just go away! You're a bad liar, your master is a bodiless moron, and you have bad breath!" Aragorn yelled.
The Mouth of Sauron was offended! How dare that Aragorn say he had bad breath!" He put his nose in the air, and rode off towards the Black Gate. He never made it back in however, because the orcs of the gate were a little hard of hearing and thought that he should open the gates right then and tell the head of the army to send out his soldiers as fast as he could. The minute there was a crack in the gate, orcs and trolls poured out. A great troll that was hard of sight knocked the Mouth of Sauron to the ground and killed him first. He thought he was Aragorn. The troll started doing a celebratory dance right then and there, killing many orcs as his club haphazardly swung around.
The five thousand orcs came out of Mordor and a fierce battle ensued. The Men of the West and some from the east got the upper hand immediately.
Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam were walking through the entrance to Mount Doom. Gollum recovered from his blow to the head, sort of, and came slowly crawling up the mountain side behind them. The Frodo and Sam became dizzy with all the swirling smoke and steam and so they crawled to the edge of the path. Gollum caught up to them and knocked Sam on the head. Frodo was approaching the edge. He had no idea Sam was knocked out or that Gollum was behind him. He started to think about the consequences if he kept the Ring. It was starting to take over. Frodo knew that he had to destroy it! Suddenly he heard a sharp hiss!
"Gollum!" Frodo whispered fiercely to himself. He decided to have fun with this. "Oh Gollum! Are you looking for this?" Frodo taunted in a disgustingly sweet voice as he held the Ring by the chain.
"Yessss! Yessss!" Gollum hissed while creeping towards it.
"If you want it, come and get it!" Frodo cried. Gollum gave a flying leap. Before Gollum could have reached the Ring, Frodo threw it into the fires of Mount Doom. Gollum would have screamed "My Precious!" but he hit the lava to fast so it sounded like, "My Prec...!" Frodo didn't look over the edge, instead he turned, brushed his hands off and said, "That was easy!"
He started walking back towards the door and saw Sam lying on the ground. Frodo woke him up just in time to get him out of there before the whole place exploded.
Outside, the battle was raging furiously. The Men of the West and some easterners were winning! Suddenly, the smaller than bluffed forces of Mordor were scared and started running away. They didn't get far however, because when the Ring was destroyed, the tower of Barad-Dur fell and Sauron screamed, "WHERE ARE MY EYE DROPS? NO, THE GROUND IS DUSTY, MY EYE! MY EYE!"
Aragorn and his companions started to panic, how were they to save Frodo? Suddenly, the eagles, which everyone always forgot about, came. They didn't bother stopping to pick up Gandalf, they just flew into Mordor to pick up Frodo and Sam. Exactly one minute after the eagles flew away from Mount Doom, the whole volcano exploded! It destroyed Mordor, if that is possible. The orcs were destroyed by the burning lava and Sauron and all his minions were destroyed.
The eagles sat down Frodo and Sam.
"Thank you!" Gandalf said to the eagles. "We had nearly forgotten about you."
"I know, I know." said the lord of the eagles. "Don't mention it."
Frodo and Sam were really tired, so nobody bothered to wake them. They were carried into the first charter bus to leave and laid down on chairs that were reclined all the way. Everyone got back in their cars and drove back to Minas Tirith.
Everyone was a little reluctant to get back in, I mean, they were covered in grime and orc blood and everything else, until Aragorn informed them that there were plastic covers for the seats. Upon return, they found the city ready for a party. Eowyn, Faramir, and Merry had been busy making sure everyone left behind decorated the city. Where the front gate had been, two guards stood. The arch was covered and flowers, and the whole city was lined with a green garland and flowers. Aragorn got out of his car and got teary eyed.
"Thanks you guys!" He said to Eowyn, Faramir, and Merry who were there to great him. "This place looks great!" He started to cry tears of joy. Eowyn and Faramir, found that they really were in love, regardless of the script. Everyone made their way up to the citadel. They went into the hall, and upon the throne was a blue velvet pillow, with the crown upon it. Aragorn walked up to the throne, and saw that in the middle of the crown, on the pillow, was a note that said, "You can wear this crown, after you've taken a shower, trimmed your beard, and combed your hair. Signed, the Crown of Your Ancestors."
"Har! Har! Very funny." Aragorn said unenthusiastically as he looked at Eowyn and Faramir.
"It wasn't us!" they said in unison.
"It was me!" Merry happily admitted. Aragorn gave him a mean glance, that instantly broke into a big smile, and headed off towards his shower. Legolas was already in his, and once again was cleaner than previously thought possible. He also faintly smelled of apple blossoms, but he denied it.
The next day was the coronation! Everybody was well rested, and everyone was clean! Prince Imrahil and all his men were almost as clean as Legolas. (Prince Imrahil had high standards of cleanliness.) The top of the Citadel was packed with people. Aragorn had the crown placed on his head with all the solemness he could conjure. The people, forgetting about the script rewrite, expected to hear a solemn little song in elvish. Instead, Aragorn decided to sing the same words to a Hobbit drinking song and to do a jig. Everyone looked incredibly shocked. Eomer almost burst out in laughter. Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin were laughing in their sleeves, trying desperately not to be loud. Gandalf just shook his head and smiled. Legolas had flash backs to the dinner party incident and did start laughing out loud! Boromir joined him. Theoden just shook his head. When the song and dance was over Aragorn announced something.
"Today, is not just my coronation day, it is a day of many honors and celebrations! Eomer has been given Rohan by his Uncle Theoden King. Today is the day I tell you all that Faramir is now the Prince of Ithilien, and today is the day we honor the Hobbits! Frodo, Samwise, Merriadoc, Peregrin, come up here!"
The four Hobbits made their way next to King Elessar, or Aragorn. Upon reaching the top, they were all given many gifts. The first one Frodo got was a shirt that said, "I SAVED MIDDLE EARTH AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT!" He held it up and gave a laugh. The fellowship saw it and burst into laughter. Once the Hobbits got their gifts Aragorn told the Fellowship of the Key Rings to come up. Upon their reaching the top they were all rewarded handsomely, and were all given many honors from Gondor and Rohan. The Gondorians noticed that Boromir was there and instantly cheered. Boromir held up his hands to try to get them to be quiet. Once they were he informed them he would be traveling between Minas Tirith and the small village of a cute girl he met at the end of the Anduin River.
The last thing they were given was a complimentary key ring.
"Now Aragorn, you have so graciously given us these marvelous gifts, and now it is our turn to give you a gift." Legolas said. He turned, gave a whistle, and the sound of a motor turning over was heard. The engine was reved, and a path was made. Driving up towards Aragorn was a bright red Enzo Ferrari with a custom license plate that said MINE-KE. Aragorn got it, it meant to say "MINE! -King Elessar". Aragorn's eyes were wide. He looked so car crazy/happy he looked like he was five.
"You guys! It's so... beautiful!" Aragorn cried. He got in the car and sat there for at least five minutes. He was imagining himself driving in Pelennor fields and doing donuts. Aragorn had to get out of the car though, because he did have a country to run.
Later that day, they all adjourned to a great dining hall for huge feast. They were barely into it when a story was asked for.
"The only story I can think of telling," Aragorn said, "Is the dinner party incident. I shall not tell it now, for it is too long and this feast is suppose to be shorter than the one I'm going to through in a few weeks."
"Oh fine!" Merry said. He was the one who had called for a story.
Faramir leaned over to Eowyn. "So, what is a secur...?"
"Oh," she whispered. "A security teddy bear."
"Really? I have one too! Mine is called Mr. Squish Squish." Faramir replied.
"Mine is called Mr. Snuggles." Eowyn replied. They spent the rest of the night comparing their teddy bears.
Merry looked over at them, he was jealous. He liked Eowyn, but resigned himself to the fact that Eowyn liked Faramir, and thought he was a cute Hobbit.
A few weeks later, Arwen, Elrond, her brothers, Galadriel, Celeborn, Glorfindel, Haldir, and various other elves all showed up at Minas Tirith for the wedding of the age. Finally! Aragorn and Arwen were going to be married! Minas Tirith had been made ready for the wedding, and so a very happy Arwen and an extremely happy Aragorn were going to be married. It was going to be a beautiful wedding, and instead of how the script had the White Tree mysteriously start blooming again, Gandalf came holding a potted sapling of the White Tree. The wedding then commenced. Legolas was the best man, and Eowyn was the maid of honor. Why Eowyn, because she didn't try to flirt with Aragorn and she was extremely grateful.
As Elrond was performing the ceremony, Legolas kept whispering things in Aragorn's ear like, "Aragorn and Arwen, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First came love, now comes marry, soon'll come the baby in the baby carriage!"
Aragorn leaned back slightly and said, "How much did Merry and Pippin pay you to say that?"
"Pay? Nothing! They gave me your diary." Legolas haughtily whispered.
Aragorn's eyes grew wide. He had a look of sheer horror. Ironically it was just about the same time that Elrond was saying, "for the rest of your life" Aragorn stood speechless.
"Say I do!" Elrond whispered.
"Oh, I do!" Aragorn said out loud. A few seconds later Arwen was saying the same.
"I now pronounce you man and wife." Elrond said. "You may now kiss the bride."
Aragorn laid a huge kiss on Arwen. Everyone rejoiced and all the elves visiting Gondor sighed! Finally! After sixty plus years of dating and angst and everything else, these two finally were married! Little did Elrond, Aragorn or Arwen know, but the better part of the elven populous had been going behind their backs and making sure nothing went wrong in Aragorn's rise to the throne of Gondor and that Arwen wouldn't be talked out of it by Elrond. He could be so possessive. Why do you think his twin sons were still single?
After the ceremony, when everyone was walking into the hall to begin the largest feast seen in the last 100 years in Gondor, Aragorn said something to Legolas.
"Give me that diary!" He said while trying to smile.
"Fine!" Legolas said with a devious smile. "Only if you give me something in exchange."
"Name your price." He said while clinching his teeth and trying to smile.
Legolas smiled even bigger and more deviously. "What you won from me during the dinner party incident."
"No, please! I love it!" Aragorn softly cried, losing his smile.
"Yes! That's all I want." Legolas wickedly grinned.
"Fine." Aragorn gloomily agreed.
"Don't look so glum Aragorn! You've just married your girlfriend of 60 years!" Legolas joked.
Aragorn caught back up with Arwen and went smiling into the great feast. The Fellowship was seated next to the newly weds.
"Aragorn! You said you would tell us of the famous dinner party incident! Are you going to now?" Pippin exclaimed.
Legolas looked at Aragorn and smiled. "Yeah, Aragorn! Tell us the tale!" Legolas said trying to imitate a young Hobbit.
"I said I would, so I will. But you must correct me where I'm wrong!" Aragorn said to Legolas.
Thus the telling of the infamous dinner party began.
To be continued...
Author's note: Thank you everyone for the encouraging reviews. And you may call me Faer babycharmander! LOL! Half a league! LOL!
