LORD OF THE RINGS RETURN OF THE KING

The Infamous Dinner Party

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.. not even this fic... hey wait, yes I do! I wrote it!

As the food was being served, Aragorn cleared his throat and began.

"It was, oh let's see... four years ago. I had been invited to a dinner party in Mirkwood by King Thranduil. I gladly accepted the invitation. However, if I had known that Legolas was going to be there I would have declined. Well, a week before the dinner party I left from Rivendell. The trip to Mirkwood was uneventful. I took it as a good omen.

'When I got there, it was a day or two before the dinner party was to begin. It was late, and Thranduil had sent an elf to watch for me and take me to my room. The elf cheerfully met me, and took me to it. I threw my gear on a chair and flung myself on the bed. The minute I hit the bed, it crashed onto the floor. The crash echoed throughout the halls of King Thranduil. I knew that because I heard all the doors on that wing fly open and some elf laughing hysterically.

'Wanting to know who would dare laugh, I flung open my door,'

"With the death glare on his face." Legolas added.

"And looked up and down the hall. The door across the hall and to the left was shut. Legolas! I knew it was him. It was at that moment I knew I would exact my revenge!"

"Yes, the next morning, Aragorn gave me the death glare as I left my room. I foolishly, wasn't concerned. I didn't even become concerned when he started giving me malicious grins. Now, nothing happened that day or the next, but the day of the dinner party... well... let's just say, I was ready.

'The guests started showing up and my father and I took our time to greet each of them. Among our guests were the Lord Glorfindel, the Lord Elrond, and the Lady Arwen. We all were smiling, having a good time socializing, until a servant came to inform us that dinner was ready.

'We made our way casually outside to where the large table was set and all the food was laid. My father was at the head of the table and I was on his right. Glorfindel and Elrond were on his left. Arwen was next to me and across from her father, and Aragorn was seated next to Elrond. Nice and close to his future father-in-law.

'Everyone was standing as my father gave a quick speech thanking all for coming and orated various other niceties. When he finished, he told everyone to be seated. Glorfindel, being the gentle-elf that he was, waited til my father sat down before seating himself. When he did, CRASH! The chair fell to pieces under him. I looked on in horror as this high elf lord sat on the ground. Aragorn looked at me with a mixture of horror and confusion.'"

"I thought Legolas was suppose to be sitting there!" Aragorn said as he took over the telling of the tale. "You can only imagine how horrible I felt! I immediately offered Glorfindel my chair as I waited for another one. Those Mirkwood elves are so slow! I was standing for at least two minutes!"

Legolas gave Aragorn a dirty look. Aragorn rolled his eyes in response.

"Anyway, I received my new chair and sat down. I was thirsty, so I asked for some wine. Legolas passed the bottle to me. I poured some into my glass thinking, 'what could he possibly have done to the wine while the elves were still drinking it?' So I poured a glass, and started talking casually to Arwen."

"Casually, my shampoo! You were falling all over yourself trying to impress her!" Legolas interjected.

"Quiet, Elf-boy! I'm telling this story!" Aragorn snapped.

"So sorry King Elessar! Please continue with your inaccurate retelling of the dinner party incident." Legolas replied with all the insincere reverence he could muster. Another dirty look was shot to Legolas from Aragorn.

"Anyway! I was speaking to Arwen and my mouth was getting dry so I took a drink. It wasn't wine, it was seltzer water!"

Legolas took over again. "Aragorn, not wanting to spew seltzer water on his girlfriend, quickly turned and tried to spew it on the ground. He missed and got Elrond. If you Hobbits think you have seen the Elrond Death glare and Eyebrows of Doom, you are sadly mistaken!" He said while trying to suppress laughter. "Elrond gave such a vicious and deadly look, that even Glorfindel cringed!"

Everyone cringed. They could only imagine how horrible that look must have been.

"He's lucky I didn't get him with the steak knife!" Elrond said, slamming his fist on the table for emphasis. "That was my favorite robe, and it was covered in seltzer water and human spittle!"

Legolas continued, "Aragorn, seeing the horrible look instantly fell on his knees and begged Elrond's forgiveness. Everyone that was anywhere near the fiasco looked at Aragorn and Elrond, wondering if they should intervene should Elrond try to kill the human. All Elrond would say was a fierce "DON'T MENTION IT!"

Aragorn continued with the story. "A while later, when they were bringing out the soup, Legolas asked me to pass him the salt. Little did he know, I had an identical salt shaker filled with sneezing powder."

Legolas took over again. "I put some in my soup and started sneezing horribly. Everyone turned and looked at me."

"I thought the elves were going to fall over from shock!" Aragorn laughed. "And then, then King Thranduil asked for it...and when he put it in his soup he started sneezing. Glorfindel and Elrond looked like they were going to fall over! It was hilarious!" Aragorn was laughing so hard that he couldn't breathe! So Legolas took over again.

"Eventually my father and I stopped sneezing. All was quiet for, oh, fifteen minutes, then Arwen excused herself. Five minutes after she left I signaled an elf to go over to Aragorn and say, 'Lord Aragorn, the Lady Arwen needs you!' My plan was that he would heroically bound out and look stupid when Arwen came back. Well, Aragorn had his plate full of food and over the edge of the table, so when he stood up, it went... everywhere!" Legolas forced out in between laughs as the crowd guffawed. "When his plate flipped, it knocked his wine glass over making his wine spill everywhere! The best part was . . . was . . . that some of it got... on Elrond! A few moments later when Arwen returned, Elrond had Aragorn by the collar and was ready to punch him. Aragorn had a look of horror on his face! I started laughing out loud! I started laughing even harder when Arwen jumped over the table in a single bound and got between them!" Legolas managed to say just before falling off his chair from laughing.

Many at the feast were getting a stitch in their sides from laughter. Aragorn turned his head in disgust. Elrond was even laughing! ELROND WAS LAUGHING! He hadn't laughed in three thousand years! Every elf in the place was cracking up and doubled over. The four Hobbits were literally on the floor rolling with laughter. It was a solid minute before anyone could continue, and when someone could, it was Elrond.

"When Arwen finally convinced me to let Aragorn go, I excused myself to wash the wine out of my robe before it set in. I wasn't getting it out, so I gave it to an elf to have dry cleaned. When I returned, I spotted a mischievous look on Legolas' face, and decided to sit back and watch. I was standing next to a tree and saw Legolas call for more wine. This can't be good, thought I. It wasn't, for Aragorn anyway. When the servant elf came back with the bottle of wine, he passed me and I asked him to show me the bottle. The label said Old Winyards 1296, 'so Bilbo gave King Thranduil some of the Old Winyards and not me!' I thought. But when I smelled the Old Winyards, it smelled to me like Mirkwood Miruvor, one of the most potent drinks this side of the Anduin. 'Hehe! Give it to him.' I said."

Legolas pulled himself together, took a deep breath and continued. "The servant came up to me holding the mislabeled wine bottle, I had seen to the mislabeling, and said, 'Pour Aragorn a glass while he's not looking!' Aragorn was so absorbed in his conversation with Arwen, he didn't notice the elf emptying glass, and filling it with the Miruvor. Well, Aragorn took a big swig of it and instantly became a little tipsy. No one noticed much however, because some other elves had drunk past their fill at this point, and were a little merry themselves. So when Aragorn suggested everybody sing karaoke, there were many people willing to join in. Glorfindel was one of the singers. He sang an, interesting rendition of the theme from Oklahoma! (This is when we learned why he wasn't a minstrel.)"

"Don't sugar coat it Legolas!" Elrond chuckled. "He sounded like a dying orc!"

"Yeah, well you're no elven minstrel yourself Elrond!" Glorfindel jokingly replied.

"Anyway," Legolas continued. "After a few songs, Aragorn challenged me to a sing off. The conditions were whoever could sing the loudest, longest, and most obnoxious won, and would be able to pick any one object under three pounds in weight and under thirty dollars in worth. I went first and sang "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" as off tune as I could and after the thirty-second verse of 'da da da da da da da' I stopped. Aragorn just smiled and started singing some song he called "Heigh Ho! It's Off To Work We Go". He said some dwarf taught it to him. I believed it. It was horrible! I was sunk! Aragorn sang thirty-three verses of it and then every sober elf in Mirkwood jumped on top of him. When he finally shut up, and elf whispered to me, 'That song is so idiotic that it is only worthy of dwarves.' Then Aragorn told me what he wanted."

Aragorn picked up the story at this point, "I want...your pajama bottoms! I told Legolas. He just looked at me with a slight hint of horror on his face. 'Which ones?' asked he. 'Your silky...blue...Kiss Me I'm Elvish! pajama's!' he looked, well . . . horrified as he let out screamed worthy of a woman, 'NOOOOOOO!'"

Legolas butted in, "Aragorn laughed mercilessly as I rummaged through my dresser drawers and threw them at him. It was a sad day. I loved those pajama's. They're so soft and..."

"Legolas! Cut it out!" Aragorn commanded.

"I still want them back!" Legolas said with a serious glare.

"Well, anyway, when I had them safely packed away in my pack, I returned to the feast where everyone was playing Truth or Dare. Before I could sit all the way down, Legolas looked at me and asked 'Truth or dare?' I stared at him blankly, the Miruvor was effecting my comprehension. So before I really knew what they were asking I said, 'TRUTH!' I knew I was in trouble when I saw the grin on Legolas' face. Then he asks, "Does Elrond snore?''

"Lord Elrond was giving Aragorn the death glare." Legolas interjected. "I smiled and waited, I knew what was coming. Aragorn started sweating and Arwen just looked at him with a funny grin. She knew the answer and she knew her father. Aragorn suddenly blurted out 'TRUE!' Elrond gave Aragorn 'the look' and mouthed the words, 'You will NEVER marry my daughter!'"

"And then it was Legolas' turn." Aragorn smiled. "So I asked Legolas, 'truth or dare?' And our wise elf friend here said, 'Dare!'"

"I still can't believe I said that!" Legolas added. "Aragorn stared at me and laughed. I have to admit that my blood froze."

"Legolas sat there looking a little green!" Glorfindel broke in. "Aragorn just smiled as he said quietly, 'Wear your mother's wedding dress!' All the elves, Elrond and myself included, started laughing hysterically. Everyone knew what Legolas' mother's wedding dress looked like. He looked quite depressed and to add insult to injury Aragorn informed him that he wasn't done yet. 'You must wear your mother's wedding dress and sing "You Are My Sunshine" to...Elrond!"

The Hobbits, had gotten back on their chairs and only been giggling, but upon that last sentence, they fell into giggling fits upon the floor. Everyone who was there, besides Legolas, were sitting back and laughing quite hard, remembering the look on the elven princes' face.

"It wasn't that funny!" Legolas sulkily pouted, which caused everyone to laugh even harder.

"Whatever Legolas! It was hilarious!" Glorfindel commented. "Anyway, a few minutes later, he was coming out in a low cut, soft pink gown that had darker pink roses embroidered and beaded onto it. He sashayed up to Elrond who was grinning in anticipation. Ole Thranduil was laughing so hard he was turning purple! So Legolas goes over to Elrond and sings. Before the end of 'sunshine' was out of his mouth Aragorn was shouting, 'Louder you elf! I can't hear you!' He must have turned seven shades of red."

"Then Elrond says to Legolas, "You know, you looked good in that shade of pink!"

Legolas just rolled his eyes as the others burst into laughter. When they finally settled down he picked up the narration.

"Once I returned, everyone thought the fun was over. But they were wrong! It was Aragorn's turn. 'Truth or dare' I asked. 'Dare', he said. I thought, what could top wearing your mom's wedding dress?"

"Then I said, 'Wear a sequined Elvis jump suit and sing 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?' to... Glorfindel then, encore it with it a rousing round of 'You Saw Me Crying In The Chapel'! I think Aragorn looked a little sick. Glorfindel wouldn't know what was going on because he was gone when this all happened. So Aragorn, being a man of honor, dragged himself over to our Costume room, found our one and only Elvis jumpsuit, and came back out to the dinner party. No one thought he would really sing to Glorfindel, I mean, he is a powerful elf lord. Well, by the time Aragorn got back, Glorfindel was back. Aragorn gulped, walked up to Glorfindel and began to sing, 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?'." Legolas started cracking up and barely forced out, "And encored with a round of 'You Saw Me Crying In the Chapel' then... Glorfindel... smacked him!

Everyone roared with laughter. Even the guards were bent over with laughter.

"Please tell me that's all!" Pippin laughed. "I can't handle any more! I'm gonna burst at the seams!"

"Oh, that's all for the dinner part of the dinner party, but that isn't it for the dinner party incident!" Legolas exclaimed. "That night, it was very late, I suddenly heard someone talking in the hall. So I poked my head out the door and saw Elrond walking down the hall in pink pajama's and wearing an eye mask, and mumbling, 'My eyebrows won't stay down! My eyebrows won't stay down!' I couldn't help it, I roared into laughter! Suddenly he turned towards me with the Eyebrows of Doom and said, 'Who dare disturb my slumber!' Not wanting to face the wrath of Elrond, I shut my door.

'A few hours later, I heard a furtive knock on my door. It was Aragorn. He said that I had to come with him and see. So I followed him out to the main hall and there, in the center with a circle of elves around him, Elrond was speaking in his sleep.

'Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Lend me your ears!' He went through the entire speech, and when it was over he bowed and said, 'Thank you', turned around and went to bed amidst the thunderous applause of those assembled there. And that my friends, is the infamous dinner party incident." Legolas concluded.

Everyone in the hall broke into a round of applause.

Author's Note: Thanks, thanks a lot mom for the review! And BC you can call me Faer. Hehehe! I hope this met all of you guys' expectations! If you think this is over, you are wrong! At least one more chapter! Don't keep reviews to yourself! And thank you for all the wonderful reviews I have gotten!