LORD OF THE RINGS RETURN OF THE KING

Breaking of the Fellowship

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or anything that is mentioned in any of these stories.

Author's note: I still don't think this is very funny, but the last version was so pathetic that I simply had to rewrite it! I hope this one is substantially funnier.

Well, the infamous dinner party tale had been told. The marvelous wedding feast was over, and everyone was full and sleepy.

The next morning Legolas was up bright and early, knocking on Aragorn's door.

"What do you want!" A cranky deep voice snapped.

"To make you an offer!" Legolas sweetly replied.

"Too late! I'm already married!" came the response.

"Don't be silly Aragorn!"

"I'm Arwen!" The voice replied.

"Oops!" Legolas said quietly. "Well where is Aragorn?"

"He's taking a shower." Arwen replied. "He'll be out in a minute!"

A few minutes later Aragorn came out of his room in a thick bath robe.

"What do you want you elf!" Aragorn crankily asked.

"I want my silky blue Kiss Me I'm Elvish pajama bottoms."

"Well, I don't want to give them to you!" Aragorn smugly replied.

"Remember, I have your diary!" Legolas wickedly grinned.

"Junk! I forgot. Well, just give me a minute I'll go get them."

"Oh no you don't! I'm getting them with you, other wise you might shred them before you give them back!" Legolas replied.

"Oh, fine!" Aragorn sulkily said. He turned and knocked on his door. "Hey Arwen, Legolas is coming in to get his pajama bottoms!"

Legolas heard some low grumblings before she said "Come in!" Legolas went in with Aragorn and got his pajama bottoms, made sure there were no holes in them or anything wrong, and found them as good as when he left them. He happily hugged his pajama bottoms and then handed Aragorn his diary.

"Happy writing!" Legolas cheerily said as he left the room. He skipped down the hall as delighted as could be and went to his room, put on his pajama bottoms, and wore them all day!

For several weeks, the Fellowship hung around Minas Tirith, and enjoyed each other's company. For the first few weeks. During the last one, well, they were down right sick of each other! As all things their stay and the Fellowship had to come to end, and not a moment to soon. During the great rewrite, plans had been made for the ending, thus on the planned day, everyone that had to leave got in their cars and drove to Edoras. At Edoras Faramir and Eowyn were married and Eomer was officially given the throne of Rohan.

"So Theoden King," Merry said, "What are you going to do now that you're retired?"

"Well Merry, I was thinking of buying a house some where in Rohan, and sit around doing things kings don't have time to do."

"Like what?" Merry asked.

"Writing an autobiography, working on my car, fishing, you know." Theoden casually replied.

"Oh, when hobbits retire, they usually sit around smoking pipeweed, drinking ale, and telling stories." Merry explained.

"Merry, that's what we do now!" Pippin said.

"I know Pip!" Merry replied.

"So why do hobbits bother retiring?" Theoden asked.

"So their wives don't hit them with a rolling pin for not doing their work that day." Merry joked.

"I see, I see!" Theoden said with a big grin.

For a day or so the Fellowship hung around Edoras, becoming increasingly annoyed with each other, then left for Isenguard. By the time the Fellowship left Edoras, they were so sick of each other that they wouldn't speak to each other.

The phrase, "I just want to go home!" became the theme song.

Upon reaching Isenguard Gandalf tells the Fellowship that it was absolutely necessary for him to check on Saruman. Grumbles were heard through out the masses. By this time, everyone was staying to themselves.

"Saruman! You old wizard! Get out here!" Gandalf yelled.

"Must I really!" Came the reply. It was indeed Saruman. Apparently the crankiness was spreading. An epidemic!

"Yes! Now get down here!" Saruman sighed quite loud and came out the door.

"What do you want?" he asked like a rebellious teenager.

"To give you one last chance to turn from your wicked ways and be forgiven!"

"I don't want to be forgiven! I want to be evil! I love being evil! I want to die evil!" Saruman replied half crazed.

"I can arrange that!" Grima maliciously said as he stuck Saruman with a knife. The crankiness was an epidemic!

Gandalf just sighed. Stupid Saruman, stupid Grima! "Grima, why did you do that?" Gandalf asked like Grima was a three year old.

"Because Saruman was mean! I don't care how you punish me! He deserved it!" Grima snarled. He was turning to go pout in Isenguard when he slipped, fell, and hit his head on a sharp rock.

"EWWW!" the four hobbits said in chorus. Everyone cringed.

The Fellowship turned away, and left the ring of Isenguard.

"Gandalf," Frodo said. "Should we be worried about everyone being cranky?"

"No, no Frodo. It's not an epidemic really. Everyone is just sick and tired of this fan fic."

"This what?" Frodo asked.

"Fan fic! You know, fan fiction. Remember those script writers? Well they were there because there are fans. Fans of us!" Gandalf explained.

"Fans! Where there are fans that means there are...FAN GIRLS! Gandalf! They can't get to us can they?"

"Well, I don't know." Gandalf replied. Frodo looked horrified! He could deal with psycho Smeagol, he could deal with the Ring, but fangirls? His scary musings were broken off by Aragorn.

"Well you guys," Aragorn said, "It's been fun, but we must go our separate ways." Suddenly the Fellowship was loathe to depart! Funny how those things work out.

"Do we have to?" Sam complained. "When we leave you we won't have a car!"

"That's okay Sam! Rivendell isn't that far away anymore, and you've forgotten about Elrond! He's going back to Rivendell!" Aragorn said.

Suddenly a low rumble was heard.

"Legolas! What do your elf eyes see?" Aragorn called.

The elf rolled his eyes before gazing out. He looked across the field and saw a horrible sight. A large mob was coming down the hill.

"FAN GIRLS!" Legolas screamed.

"NOOOO!" Aragorn, Frodo, Merry, and Pippin cried. Gimli, Sam, and Gandalf had nothing to fear.

Legolas ran over to Treebeard and cried, "Please! Please! Take me to Fangorn!"

"Very well." The old ent said. "Climb up." Legolas made a mad dash up Treebeard, and then the ent started walking to Fangorn. Legolas got safe away.

Aragorn, trying to think of what to do, suddenly remembered his car, jumped in, started the engine, and drove off as fast as he could towards Helm's Deep.

Poor hobbits! They were all screaming like little girls, hugging each other and crying, "What shall we do? What shall we do?" The elves and Gandalf all shouted at once, "GET IN THE BUS!" The hobbits ran like mad into the large elvish charter bus. All the elves got in quickly as well, Fan girls love elves, and drove away.

Soon, everyone was safe on their way to the Rivendell, where they would always be safe and sound. The fan girls made it to Isenguard, and all they found was a mass of tire tracks. Crestfallen, they all turned around and went home.

The Hobbits had been gone for a while, and finally they were home! It had been ages! Well, it seemed like ages. When they got back, they decided to go by the book, which just drove the script writers nuts!

Legolas made it safely home, and was visited frequently by Gimli. Who made it safely home, by the way.

Aragorn and Boromir made it back to Minas Tirith. Boromir decided to disappear from Minas Tirith for a while and date that one girl he found, and eventually married her. Aragorn and Arwen's tale is told else where, so I shan't tell it here.

One more thing before I end, the script writers and director had no choice but to show what they had filmed to the producer. The producer hated it, and told them all they would never work in the movie industry again. They are all currently living in small towns in Nebraska, far away from anywhere movies are shot.

When the peoples of Middle Earth discovered that the great rewrite was successful, shouts of joy were heard across the lands, and an officially holiday was established in Gondor called Rewrite Day.

As one last twist of the knife, so to speak, the Fellowship met once, at the town of Bree, before anyone left, and decided that they should all sail West one day. So, when Gandalf, Galadriel and Elrond left, Frodo did. Many years later Sam, Merry, and Pippin followed with Boromir. Towards the end of Aragorn's days, he, Arwen, Legolas and Gimli all set sail into the West. And thus, The Fellowship of the Key Rings was no longer bound by friendship and love only, but by sight as well. On the shores of Valinor, with consent of Iluvatar and Manwe, they dwelled next to each other for ever, drinking all the miruvor and ale they could stand and smoking all the pipeweed their lungs could handle.

The End

Coming soon: The Forgotten.