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I hope you like that chapter….I somehow liked writing it :)


Take my hand, I'll lead you through the dark

She slept more than 20 hours a day, things finally looked better for her. The doctors said that she was stabilized now and that her chances were high, but they had also told Grissom that not the injuries the suicide attempt had left on her, but the injuries that must have driven her so far that she actually tried to kill herself were dangerous ones. Grissom had tried to talk with her about it, but it was hard to even get her to talk to him.

When she was awake, she only was for about twenty minutes, and she spend those minutes with staring against the wall, forcing herself to ignore him.

He sat next to her, every single minute. The urge to hold her hand was almost irresistible, but he knew she wouldn't let him.

The pain was not what hurt her. She couldn't tell what was it exactly, she only knew that she wanted not to see him. But she couldn't make him leave, he wouldn't leave. Now when she knew he loved her everything was even worse. Somehow deep inside hers he hoped he would only tell her that he loved her to keep her away from trying to kill herself again, then she wouldn't hurt him. Although that feeling of hate grew inside of her, that feeling of hating him for saving her life, she couldn't stop loving and caring for him. But what was she supposed to do? That man had destroyed her life. He was the reason for all her emotional breakdowns. He was the reason why she had lost her temper that often in the last month…not only him, her family history was one reason too, but the feeling of being ignored by the man she loved was actually the one thing that had started the domino stone that had thrown all the other stones down. In the last month she had felt as if everything had been against her, first her suspension, then Grissom asking Sophia out for dinner…that had been more than she could take. Grissom dating that person, someone he , too, worked with…He hadn't tried to save her job when she had another argument with Ecklie, he hadn't tried to protect her…why do I want to protect him now?

Grissom realized that she was awake again. He knew it couldn't stay the way it was. He needed to talk with her. His chair was close to the bed. He leaned forward, now leaning over her. "Sara?", he whispered.

She couldn't help, she had to turn her face to him. She knew that he was what she needed, she loved him…but still the feeling that she rather wanted to be death filled her out.

Grissom couldn't hide the happiness he felt when she finally looked at him. "Sara…let's talk, please."

She nodded softly. Maybe, when we talk, maybe …maybe I will find a way out of this.

He smiled relieved. "How do you feel?"

"I feel that I rather want to be dead.", she said softly, looking straight into his eyes, watching how the expression in his eyes changed.

He swallowed hard, he took her hand into his, dragged it up to his lips and kissed it softly. "Why?"

"Because I…because all these problems I wanted to solve with taking my life are still there…and I am sick of them. I don't want to go through this shit. I want to be free…I don't want to feel this pain anymore!", tears blurted out of her.

"Do you need painkillers?", he knew by the moment he spoke this out that she hadn't talked about physical pain.

"Can't you see how much you hurt me? You left me alone when I needed you the most…you …you are the reason for all this."

He took a deep breath. He had known that, but hearing her speaking this out….broke his heart. "I…I never meant to…"

"You never meant to show your feelings, let's stay realistic here Grissom…as soon as they let me out of here I will end it and I wont be stupid again…I will do something that will end it for sure…I should have thought about that before…I should have jumped off a skyscraper or so...we have enough of that stuff here."

"Why do you want to…"

"Because I can't take it anymore."

"But I thought….if I am the reason for this pain let me make it better. Give me a chance! I want to make you happy. Just let me!", he pleaded.

"I don't want to be happy…because when you have been happy once the fall down does hurt even more."

"I will make you happy for the rest of my life!"

"Isn't that what you guys always promise?"

"Sara…Sara….I…love you."

"You already said that."

"Then why don't you believe me?…if you think I only say this to save you from doing that stupid mistake to try to take your life again…than you are wrong. Yes, I confess, it took me years to realize how much you mean to me…and yes I realized this in the moment I kneeled in your blood and tried to save your life…but that doesn't change a thing. Sara you are the first woman I ever really loved. And…"

"…I don't want to hear that."

"Why not?…are you afraid that it could change your mind? Changing your mind is not a bad thing….hell why are you so bullheaded?"

"I am not."

"Sara…give me a chance to proof you that…"

"…if I would give you a chance you would hurt me again."

"No! Sara…"

"...Why didn't you stop them from firing me?"

"I thought it was the best to give you a break."

"You see…what you think is the best is not really the best."

"Committing suicide isn't the best Sara."

"I never said this….it's the easiest way out…I'm tired of fighting."

"Why?"

"I fought for years…I can't do this anymore. I don't want to fight anymore…I'm tired of this."

He leaned closer to her, his lips softly touched hers when he whispered. "Sara…you wont have to fight anymore, I will fight for you…I just give ma a chance. Take my hand and I'll lead you through the dark. Trust me. I will let you see the light."

The tears that ran down her cheeks weren't tears of defiance anymore and she realized that. "I have never been loved Grissom…I never knew how this would feel…"

"…but now you know?", he asked with a tone of hope in his voice.

She nodded softly. "Yes.", she cried out. Her arms twined around his neck.

He kissed her softly, his hand caressing her.

"I…I don't know what to feel.", she confessed.

"Feel loved. Feel that you are the love of my life."

"And then?"

"Love me back."

"I love you more than words can say Grissom…but that's not the point…I…I don't think I am able to forgive neither you nor me anything of what happened in the past."

He had pulled away from her, now he stared at her, scared.

"Grissom…I…I have a problem.", she broke a silence that had laid between them for a couple of minutes.

"We will solve this, together."

She looked at him, tears still running down her cheek. "I am not sure if can do this."


next chap will follow soon ...I promise. ...please leave a review...that would be great