Thanks to everybody who reviewed the last chapters, thank you so much!
Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly)
I'm with you
"It was like being caught and locked in…in a dark hole…or something like that. I..I couldn't see nor find a way out…because everything around me was dark. I had nothing to cling to…I lost the man I loved, I lost my job, my friends…I had no one to talk to…I was all alone…making a new start…was a possibility…but, I just was too tired to fight. I was a fighter for my whole life…from the day I was born on…I had to fight. When my father got home drunk and began to beat my mom I ran away, I locked myself into my room…when he followed me and tried to open the door I put all I could find against the door so that he couldn't open it. When he began to beat my brother I screamed at him…when he began to beat me I fought back…when my mother began to fight back I fought against her…when my mother killed my father I began to hate her…when I was sent to a foster home I had to fight all those that pretended their pity and…those that treated me even worse, those that said… 'look there's the girl whose mother killed her father…don't get near her, she might do the same with you.'…I had to fight for a scholarship…I put all my powers into my study, I learned hard, I worked harder…when I finished college I went back to Frisco, I worked hard to become what I was and then it was all destroyed. I felt lost, more than lost in the first moments…then I thought I found a resolution I wouldn't have to fight anymore, I wouldn't have to cry anymore, I wouldn't have to feel anymore. I was so tired of feel things…all the pain that he caused, all the pain that my father had caused, the pain that my mother had caused…all my life I had felt so much pain…too much and I wanted it to stop right then…I wanted to stop it…", her voice was soft, she lay on the couch and stared up
"Have you ever talked with someone about your familiar problems?"
"Only with my PEAP counselor, and…and a friend."
"Who's that friend?"
"He…my supervisor….former supervisor."
"There's more…right?"
Sara nodded softly. "He's the one who…who…who I was talking about when I said that I lost the man I loved."
"Why did you loose him?"
"I didn't loose him…but I didn't know that when I…was about to take my life."
"Why did you think you lost him?"
"Just a few days after I had told him about my past he had asked a colleague out to dinner. I thought he'd understood that telling him about my familiar problems was…was like…I mean I opened my up to him, I told him everything…and he just…asks someone else out for dinner…that…"
"…maybe he just didn't know how to deal with his feelings."
"That's what he told me…after my suicide attempt…and…he told me that he loves me. I know now that…that I have to fight…again…but he gives me the strength to do so."
"Are you doing this for him?"
"No…I am here because I realized that I have a problem."
The psychologist nodded. "So…what do you think is your problem?"
"I think I am depressive…often…and…I know that this is not because of him."
"Who is 'him'…I mean what's his name?"
"Gil."
"Okay…then don't say 'him'…say his name."
"I know that Gil isn't responsible for my depressions. I mean…sure I felt unloved, alone and disappointed because of him…but the fact that I am that depressive must be something else…because…although he told me that he loves me…and he shows me that he loves me…he cares for me he…although he's doing all this I am still not happy…I mean…I was released from hospital last week…he had brought me to his house, because he doesn't want me to be alone all the time…he says he wants to spend as much time as possible with me…he started working again the day after I left the hospital…he calls me three or four times while e is at work…I mean…he really cares for me and I know that he's not calling me all the time because he's fearing that I could try to kill myself again…he does so because he really …loves me….I just….don't know why I am still depressed."
"You said you lost your job..."
"…yes."
"Why?"
"I freaked out….I was insubordinate to my colleagues and my bosses, and…I blew up on suspects…I think it was understandable that they fired me….I'm over that…I will find something else."
"So …you should know what your problem is then."
Sara sighed. "I…could live with that all my life I…"
"…there's a difference between what we can live with and what we can deal with."
"It never affected me that much that I would say that…"
"…this happens subconsciously…but…you already said that there were problems with your family that effected you…I think you already made the first steps to cope with your past…but you have to understand one thing, something that most victims do, they blame themselves for what happened, and this often results in suicide attempts. But the victim can never be responsible!"
Tears ran down Sara's cheek. "I don't think that I am not responsible."
"Why? What could you have done to prevent it?"
"It's not that I could have prevent it…I…just should have tried to change it…I am not as responsible as my mother is, but…"
"…why do you think your mother is responsible?"
"She killed my father."
"Because he abused her..."
"…that doesn't change a thing. She's a murderer, she took a person's life…she should have spend the rest of her life in prison…but these idiots believed all her lies and let her go after three years…they…just let her go. She killed my father and she was never punished…she is responsible."
The psychologist swallowed hard. "Can you remember the night when your mother killed your father?"
"It was about three am…I heard screams…he screamed, she screamed…I heard the usual sounds of his hands beating her, smashing her head against the wall…I heard her beating him with things she could find…normally these were plates or books. Then I waited for him to come upstairs as usual, grabbing me by the arm and smashing me against the wall…then he would go into my brothers room and they would fight…but he didn't come upstairs this night. Because suddenly everything was quite. The haunting silence filled the house and I left my bed to see what had happened. Then I saw him, lying in my parents bed room,….in a pool of blood. She hadn't just stabbed him once, there was so much blood, everywhere, on the walls, on the bed…the ground of course. She kneeled over his dead body, pushing that knife into his chest again and again.", she cried out loud. "She didn't just try to protect herself or us, this was revenge, ice cold revenge."
"Your mother was the victim of domestic violence and abuse…she…"
"…she was sent to a psychiatric clinic, for a while…they made a profile of her and…she had to stay there. When she had been released I was taken away from the foster family I had lived in, the first place that I ever had found something like…something peace-like…I was brought back to her. One evening her 'lawyer' came to visit her. And…when he left her bedroom she said something like 'I'm glad these morons in the clinic bought that poor victim mommy number…tiger you're ideas have always been the best.'…she wasn't the victim. My father was….yes he was abusive, he wasn't a man I would not blame for abuse…but…he wasn't killed because he abused us, he was killed because my mother wanted to be with that bastard of a lawyer…she…that bitch killed my father…"
"How old were you when you overheard that conversation?"
"About…fourteen."
The woman nodded. "Do you feel responsible for your father's death?"
"I do…and I am…if I wouldn't have been that scared I could have prevent my father's death. He was a good father…in the times he wasn't drunk….he cared for me and my brother, he cared for my mother….he worked hard for our b and b….he…he was a good person. He went to church each Sunday with us, he never forget our birthdays….he was good father despite the fights. He helped the neighbors he…"
"…we tend to supplant the bad, negative things…but that's exactly what leads us to our wrong conclusions. Miss Sidle I think I now can imagine what your real problem is…it's complex and we'll need time to get you coping with it. First you will have to realize, that your mother may have not been the victim she pretended to be, but she was a victim. Your father was abusive, to her, and to his children. He abused you and your brother…that is something a person has to be punished for…not with death, but…he has to be punished. You shouldn't feel sympathy for someone who abused you…Your mother possibly tried to protect you in that night. Maybe she lied when it came to prevent a life time in prison…and maybe she didn't do that for you, but this doesn't change the fact that she tried to protect you in that night."
"I…I don't believe that."
"I have another patient now…my secretary will arrange another appointment with you."
Sara nodded softly and sat up.
"It will be hard, but you will be able to cope with that soon."
Sara forced a little smile and left the room.
Grissom sat outside the building on a bench. She walked over to him and smiled softly.
"You bought yourself some ice-cream?"
"Yeah…I wanted to bring you some too…but raspberry was out…and I know you only like raspberry."
Sara grinned and sat down next to him.
He took her hand in his free one and squeezed it softly, then he laid his arm around her and dragged her closer. She leaned against his chest. Looking up to him.
"You want to taste it? Not only raspberry tastes good."
"What is it?…bug flavor?"
Grissom grinned. "Lemon.", he held the ice-cream wafer to her mouth.
She grinned and tasted it. "No...not my flavor.", she said grinning.
"What about this one?", he leaned his head down to her and kissed her softly.
"Oh yeah…definitely….even better than raspberry."
"How was the conversation with the psychologist?"
"I…don't know how to describe it…it was…it felt awkward …somehow… but…okay…I know what my problem is now…or better said she thinks she knows it and she will try to convince me.", Sara sighed. "I think…she can help me."
Grissom smiled softly. "Are you okay honey?"
She nodded. "I'm with you."
Grissom softly caressed her. "You know…when you want me to come to the next appointment with you, you just have to say it."
"I appreciate that…but…like I already told you…I have to go through this part of my life alone…", she smiled softly at him. "But I will not go through every other part of my life alone…and…I appreciate this even more."
He kissed her on the top of her head and she snuggled against his chest.
"There's something I haven't done jet…something I should have done earlier.", she said softly and turned around to face him, she look his free hand with her both hands and looked into his eyes. "Grissom…thank you for saving my life."
I hope you liked that chapter, I wrote about six versions of it and this one was the one that I decided to upload, I so wasn't sure how to write that chapter.
I'd love to get some reviews….byebye kristy….oh, and chapter 5 will be up asap
