Disclaimer: I own nothing
IMPORTANT: Please notice, this chapter is very angsty…IMHO…so if you don't like angst better don't read. It's revealing a big secret from Sara's past.
Remeber
Staring at her wouldn't make it better. Not talking to her wouldn't help at all, leaving, running away and hiding wouldn't change a thing. Why can't I stop staring at her? Why is it so hard for me to just tell her into the face how much I hate her for what she did? Why am I so weak? I can kick ass if it comes to the world's greatest morons…I can tell those idiots off that…but they all aren't like her…they all didn't kill my father.
"Sara…I am so glad you came here."
Can't she just shut up? God, hearing her voice drives me crazy! Sara swallowed hard.
"Do you want to sit down next to me?"
NO, No I don't want to sit down next to you. I don't even want to be here at all, I wish I could just leave and…forget what happened in that night that YOU killed my father!
"Would you introduce your friend to me?"
I so hate you!
"I'm Gil Grissom."
Now he's talking to her! Great, fall into my back, will you now turn that knife in it around again? Would be great…GREAT.
Grissom dragged Sara close to him, he lay his arm around her waist.
"Sara…I know you're not here to …be there for me."
"Right Laura, I am not here to be there for you…I am here because you never were there for me…and…that is why I have huge problems when it comes to authority, or in general relationships to others…sorry that I didn't came to cheer you up Laura…" Sara got louder and louder, when Grissom cut off her sentence she was almost shouting.
"…Sara, Sara calm down!", his hands lay on her upper arms, he wasn't holding her with much power, she stopped when he held her.
GOD I don't want to stop! That woman should get what she deserves…God, why does he hold me like this? He knows I can't go on shouting at her when I am melting away in his arms.
Her breathing normalized itself after a few moments, Grissom let go off her arms, she sat down on the chair next to her. "Could you leave us alone…please?", she asked softly.
Grissom wanted to refuse her plea, he knew what she might do if he'd leave, but he knew she had to talk to her mother alone. There is something she can't talk about with me…she didn't tell me everything when I came to her apartment after she was suspended…I wish she would have told me what she had been talking about with the psychologist…she says she loves me, why doesn't she tell me everything? I thought we'd trust each other…does she think I couldn't love her if she's telling me the whole truth?
Sara stared at her mother, she felt those feelings of anger and hate rising up in her, she wished she'd be somewhere where she could really let out all her anger. "Why…", her voice was shaking. "Laura…tell me what happened in that night…I have to know…"
"Your father… loved no one else but the alcohol… and he drank too much of it every night. I don't know if you can remember the night that that was probably the worst one except for the one that I had to defense myself with a knife…he had punched me so hard that I faint for a while, I can't remember for how long…I only know that, when I woke up again I found him in Ben's room…you lay on the ground, he had pushed you away when you…you little girl, only four years old, had tried to help your older brother…you have always been a fighter…you lay in a pool of blood…that bastard had thrown his own daughter against the doorframe, so hard that she had lost her conscience and lay on the ground in her own blood…your brother, lay on his bed, your father was still punching him…"
"…you …I don't want to…", tears ran down Sara's cheek while her mother stayed totally serious, although the hate Laura Sidle still felt for Sara's father was hearable in her voice.
"…we don't want to hear the truth…because we hate what we hear…the night when I…the night that he died…was even worse. Don't tell me you don't remember how often he had smashed your door to use you as his punching bag…he had started to hit me that night…it was worse than ever before, you …you were too young to see what was going on…when we drove to the hospitals this was like some trips too theme parks…you were always excited about what was going to happen…and when he began to hurt you so bad that you had to be examined at the hospital you thought that…that this was special…you were four years old when you cried for the first time…this was when you realized that he was abusing Ben too…Sara you were a child when all this happened, your father treated you like a princess when he wasn't drunk…he took us too church to pretend we were the perfect family, and at night he'd take us to the hospital, pretending that you fell down the stairs, that your brother fell down his tree house…your father wasn't the man he pretended to be…and in that night that I killed him to defense you…"
"…no…don't say this…you didn't kill him for me…don't dare to say this!" Who does she think she is! Does she think I'd forgive her if she'd tell me my father was a horrible person whom she killed to save my life!
"…first we were in the kitchen…then he ran upstairs, shouting, drunk, throwing picture frames from the walls at me, me who was following him. I still hear his screams at night, when I sleep…he shouted so loud, all the guests heard him, some came out of their rooms…I assured them that everything was okay…if I'd just told them that it wasn't…then you would still be able to love me."
Now she's going that route! Does she really think I am that stupid?
"He ran into our bedroom, when he realized that this wasn't the place where he wanted to be he was about to leave it. I stood in the doorframe, I was in his way. He wanted to punch me aside…but he wouldn't, I told myself that I wouldn't let him go after you…I knew what he'd do that night with you…I had seen these pictures, I had seen all the things that he was dreaming about doing with you! Sara I knew I couldn't let him do this with you! I wouldn't let him go after you…I…I had that knife in my hand and when …when I wasn't able to make him stop…"
Sara was crying out loud, she couldn't take this anymore. "No…No! You were too late! Because he was already doing this to me! It would have been your duty to save me…but you didn't! You were so much too late you can't even imagine!", She was shaking, shouting and her fists were punching the wall.
Grissom sat in the hallway, he heard Sara screaming, he couldn't wait here outside when she obviously needed him. He stormed into the room, he took Sara into his arms. She buried her face in his shirt and pressed herself against his chest. She was still shaking, she wished she could stop, but she couldn't she had never told anyone about what her father had done to her…she had forgotten it herself, she had thrown this out of her mind, she had told herself over and over again that her father would have never been able to do something like this. She hadn't even told her psychologist about this…she had locked it away deep inside of her and now…now it had just been released.
"Let's go back to the hotel Angel…let's go back.", he whispered. He didn't really know what to do, Sara was crying, almost collapsing in his arms and Laura Sidle sat on the bed, staring into the air without actually starring. It was weird, he somehow had the feeling that neither Sara nor Laura should be alone right now, but he knew that Sara shouldn't be here now. She could come back to her mother later.
But Sara shook her head. "No…no I wont leave now…Grissom…there's something you don't know and this is something that I had locked away, something I…almost forgot myself because I locked it away so deep…this is something that I don't know if…if I want you to know about…but…I have to tell you this…just not now…I am here because I…I wanted to know what had happened in that night…I know some parts now…but I don't found the answers to my questions…Grissom…I …I can't leave now."
"Sara this is…you are totally devastated!", he damned himself for making her going here.
"Grissom…just let me cry…let me be devastated…maybe it will help…and if not…then hell I will be devastated, but I know that…that there is someone who will always be with me, and that's you…so don't worry okay…I will be okay.", she had stopped crying, she was suddenly totally calmed, it was as if her words had calmed her totally down, in contrast to Grissom who was still totally concerned. She forced a smile. "Gil…just wait for me outside…I will be there soon…give me a few more minutes."
Grissom swallowed hard. "Sara…"
"…please."
When Grissom had left Sara sat down on the chair next to her mother. Laura Sidle wasn't moving at all, she sat in her bed, staring at the wall. Sara reached out for her mother's hand.
"I thought I could save you…what a mother a I? I let my husband rape my daughter…I let my husband abuse my baby!"
"Mom…you did everything you could.", Sara said softly.
"He raped you."
"You couldn't know."
"I should have! I should have known!"
"Mom…when he was dead…and I came back home from the foster family…I once heard you and…your lawyer...talking after he had left your bedroom…you told him something like…it was…it sounded to me as if you killed Dad to be free for him."
Laura looked at her daughter, shocked. "Sara…did you believe this?"
"I had…locked the memories of Dad away…all I knew was what I heard then and…I started believing that…"
"…You thought that me and the lawyer had an affair…you thought I killed your father because…"
"…actually I thought you killed Dad because you were sick of him…I thought you killed him because…yes maybe because you had an affair with someone else…and I just locked the bad things away."
Laura softly squeezed Sara's hand. "Now I know why you couldn't wait to get away from home…now I know why you never called, why you never visited us, why you didn't even come to Ben's wedding…why you didn't answer his calls."
"Mom…I …I am not sure if I…"
"…it's okay Sara."
"You want me to forgive you…and you will die…that doesn't give me much time to forgive you…but…I don't know if I can do it that fast…I…I need time…", Sara swallowed hard and left the chair…she grabbed her jacket and leaned against the wall for a few moments. "I have to think…about all this…I…I have to find out what I feel…", she swallowed hard again. She left the room, softly closing the door behind her.
Grissom and Sara twined their arms around each other.
"How do you feel?"
"Weird. I…can't really tell you how I feel…I don't know…all I know is that there's something that I have never talked about with somebody else, something that I have to tell you…now…because…you are the only person I can talk to."
Thanks for everybody who reviewed the last chapters, I hope you liked this one…it would be great if you'd leave a review ….tell me what you liked and hated.
