Disclaimer: I own nothing
Warning: ANGST ANGST ANGST…. This deals again with the happenings of Sara's past, so if you don't like angst…don't read…otherwise…you have been warned ; )
deserved
What has happened to her? What does she want to tell me? If I'd only know then I could help her. I want to help her so badly, but I can't…as long as I don't know what has happened I can't help her at all…I should have know that she didn't tell me everything when I was at her apartment. Why to hell didn't I ask her if there was more? And why didn't I ask her after she had been talking to the psychologist? I should have been there for her much earlier. His arms were twined around her, her face still buried in his shirt. "Let's get out of here…let's go to the park…let's simply get out of here.", he whispered.
They walked in silence for a while, Grissom's arm lay around her shoulders, she leaned against him when they walked. They reached the golden Gate park after a few minutes. They took seat on a bench, Grissom dragged her closer to him. She now leaned with her back against his chest, his arms twined around her waist. He buried his face in her hair.
It was hard to find the strength to break the silence, he had to know about her past. If somebody had to know then it was him. "When I was…a little girl…I've been…", she spoke softly, her voice was shaking. "My father….he…", she swallowed hard, tears ran down her cheeks. "…he …I was….", God I can't tell him…it doesn't work!
Grissom's hands caressed her. "Sara…you know that you can tell me everything…and I will always be there for you.", he whispered.
"You think that you will…but you say this now…you don't know me at all Grissom…You don't know me…you don't know what happened to me! You don't know what my father did to me!", she cried out, she tried to turn away but he held her close to him.
"What did he do?", he whispered softly.
"When he wasn't drunk he was like a …he was a good father when he wasn't drunk… but there happened things when he was drunk…that I tried to forget, I always told myself that what he did to me where only bad nightmares, I locked these memories away. And now…now I remembered everything…I see all the pictures in my head again, I feel the pain again, I feel his fists punching me until I faint again and I finally realize that it wasn't only a nightmare, it was reality! It was all reality, it really happened….and….my mother isn't the one to blame…", she swallowed hard. "Hell I blamed her for all this…I always thought it was her fault that he died, that she did this because she…just wanted to kill him to be free for her new boyfriend…she killed him to save me…and I never realized this…hell I never realized this! I blamed her while she was probably saving my life…Sometimes I think that I must be so incredibly stupid!"
"You were a child Sara."
"Yes, I was a child, but this didn't keep my father way from me…that bastard didn't care about the fact that I was an innocent child… my father raped me…not only once, almost each night when he was drunk…first he punched me, smashed me against the walls if his fists didn't do the job to let me loose conscience…and then he…then he…he did what I locked away for so many of those bastards at work…and I never realized that he deserved the same…punishment as they did… I still blamed my mother for what had happened, for my stolen childhood, for my stolen innocence, for my stolen and destroyed youth…therefore that my whole life…that my whole life was destroyed by him… he had always been the good one when he was sober, he was the one who bought me ice cream…my mother never let me buy ice cream…he was the one who let me play with my friends and didn't take me home when we were in the middle of our games, my mother always did…he was always so nice…I always told myself… 'no, your daddy wouldn't do something like this…not if it would be wrong' …I thought he'd never do the wrong things… 'Daddy wouldn't do something wrong'…I told this myself all the time…and now I just realized that my father deserved it to die.", she said the last sentence with such a bitter tone in her voice that Grissom almost shivered.
He felt tears running down his cheeks, he pressed her against his chest. He felt her close to him, but somehow she felt so far away. Now I know why she chooses emotionally unavailable men…now I know…she is so scared to go through the same hell as her mother did. She is afraid of putting her children through the same hell she'd been trough. If I could just do something to help her. I wish I would have known before, I could have been there for her…she had to live with this all her life, and I could never help her…and now when I know about it…I feel so damned helpless…it feels so horrible that I can't help her…and she feels even more horrible than I d…The only thing I can do is being emotionally available for her,…I already am more than I have ever been before…and I didn't scare her away…she wouldn't be here with me now if she'd be scared of me. …He realized that she was staring at him, her eyes were glistering, he knew that tears were close to blurt out and run down her face. I wish I could say something to let her forget about this, I wish I could make this undone.
Her hand stroke over his chest, she looked into his eyes. A kingdom for his thoughts…if I would just know what he thinks. If he would just let me know. She swallowed hard. "Grissom?", she asked softly.
"I…I wish I could…make this undone Sara…", he swallowed hard and put his arms closer around her.
"…we can't change the past.", she said softly.
"And I wish I could help you to live with this!…I wish I could give you all the strength you need to go through this."
"You do…Grissom you do help me more than anything else…finally I realized that…neither me nor my mother is to blame…it was him…he was the one who destroyed my childhood…", she swallowed the tears. "But…now when I know that…now I remembered what happened then, now when I finally realized that…he is the problem…I know that I can live my life better now…I know that I can make it through this as long as…as long as you are…with me…I know I still have a long way to go…and you know that too…", she looked with him with such a deepness in her look that he was sure she could read his mind. "…I said that I wouldn't be ready for a…a real relationship…or even more…because…I was so horribly afraid. I mean, if you're in a relationship…there's a lot of passion involved, passion that will probably change into…something that causes all that what…what happened to my family. I
am afraid to end up like my mother…and I…Grissom I don't know if…if I will be ready for a relationship in the next month! But you know that I love you…more than anything else…so please…give me time…give me the time that I need…"
"…Sara…everything is okay. I will be there for you, what ever happens…and you know how much I love you…if you're not ready then this is okay, I will wait…Sara don't be afraid to loose me…and don't be afraid to…to ever have to be in such a hell again…I promise, I swear that I will never hurt you."
"I know that you could never hurt me the way my father hurt me…or my mother…I just…don't know how to handle this at the moment."
Grissom still held her in his arms…wondering if she wanted to be that close to him. He swallowed hard. "Sara…if you want me to…take my hands off of you then…"
"No…no please…I need you….close to me…", tears ran down her cheeks, she snuggled against his chest, she buried her face in his shirt and pressed herself against him. "…I need you…I need you…" She twined her arms around his neck. "…I need you more than anything else."
His hands gently stroke over her back. "May I ask you something?", he broke the silence that had been between them for about half an hour.
She nodded softly.
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to."
"Okay."
"I…I just need to know that…", he swallowed hard. "…promise me that you will continue your sessions at the psychologist."
"That's not a question.", she said softly.
"I know…sorry…actually this wasn't what I wanted to ask you...it just came into my mind right then."
"Grissom I know that I need help…I know that…and I know that I said that I wanted to do this alone…but to be honest, I could need your help…I am…still totally devastated."
Grissom swallowed hard. "You said that he destroyed your whole life…", he paused, he didn't know how to continue the sentence.
"If he wouldn't have done this to me…then…my life would have been different…my mother wouldn't have killed him, I wouldn't have been sent to a foster family, I wouldn't have…been the way I am…I wouldn't have been a Harvard student, I wouldn't have met you…I wouldn't be here with you now…"
Grissom swallowed hard. "…this sounds as if you regret meting me…"
"…I don't regret meeting you…I could never regret meeting you…but…what I was saying is just that…things would have been different, better maybe…don't get me wrong…I mean the past would have been better…I…I know that a future with you is all that I ever wanted and…damn it Grissom I didn't mean it the way I said it…I wanted to say that…"
"It's okay." This hurt, she thinks, no she wishes that her past would have been different because she'd have a better life now…I wish she wouldn't have said that she'd never met me if that all hadn't happened, I know she didn't mean it that way, but why does this hurt so much? He swallowed hard. He pulled away from her. "We should go back to the hotel now."
"I thought you wanted to ask me something."
"Why do you still call me 'Grissom'…and not 'Gil'…are you doing this to assure yourself that we are not in a relationship?", his voice sounded cold, he damned himself for this, he knew he couldn't blame her for anything she said or did at the moment, but he felt hurt, he wouldn't admit this to himself, but he had thought they'd already be in a relationship. She had been kissing him, they had spend so much time together, they had told each other how much they loved each other. He didn't get it how she could think they weren't in a relationship. Did a relationship begin with sex? Was it this? Then they weren't in one, but everything else they had shared with each other would have been a clear sign for a relationship. He had told her that he would marry her, he had told her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and she had told him the same. How to hell can she think that this wasn't a serious, romantic relationship! He stared at her, not knowing what to do next. He couldn't feel anger for her, he couldn't blame her for his disappointment, he only knew that he hadn't done anything wrong…he hadn't read the signs wrong, and there wasn't room for interpretation, to everybody else it had been obvious that this was a relationship…he knew this shouldn't bother him at all, because in fact she loved him, she had told him that he was her one true love, Again a sign for a relationship! , he had to give her some more time, he knew that he had needed years to show her his affection, he was the last one who was allowed to push her into this…but…it hurt, it definitely hurt and he couldn't help it, he couldn't hold her hand as long as she wouldn't show him at least that she understood him.
Thanks to everybody who reviewed!
Special thanks to inlya for telling me that crying is good!
I would love to get some reviews btw
