disclaimer: i own nothing
AN: this chap is dedicated to inlya, thanks for brainstorming with me : ), and to LeAnn Rimes, because her wonderful music inspiered me!
I still see these pictures
Sara stared on the ground. She knew Grissom wanted an answer.
Why doesn't she answer? I asked her this question about twenty minutes ago, and she hasn't answered jet! I wish I wouldn't have said anything…I wish I…damn it! I have to know what she thinks, I need to know… "Sara…are you going to answer my question?"
She looked at him, tears glistering in her eyes. "I…I wish I could…but I…I can't…I have to…think about this."
Grissom swallowed hard. He saw tears running down her cheeks, the urge to hold her was strong, but he couldn't hold her now, he was too hurt.
"I have to think…alone…for a while.", she said softly.
He nodded. "Okay…we'll see each other at the hotel then."
"Actually I meant…I mean…I think I need more time alone than just a few hours." She swallowed hard, feeling the tears running down her cheek "I'm sorry…I don't mean to hurt you I…I just lost myself and…before I can…before I can go on with the life I want to live I have to find the strength to…to deal with all that stuff that…destroyed me…I…I can't go on like this."
Grissom lay his hand on her shoulder. "It's okay Sara…it's okay, I can understand you. And if you think that you need some time alone it's okay. I will go to the hotel, pack my stuff and go back to Vegas…and you'll come back when you're ready…and I will be there, waiting for you.", he said softly.
She looked at him. "I hate myself for hurting you."
He swallowed hard. "Sara…it's okay…as long as you promise me to fight, everything's okay…all I need to know is that you will get fine soon…I…all I want is that you are happy again."
"You will wait for me, will you?"
He nodded. "Sara, I love you more than anything else, I will never love someone as much as I love you…I will always love you Sara…and I will always be there for you.", he softly caressed her cheek. She took his hand in hers.
"Thank you."
After Grissom had left she watched the happy couples that were walking around everywhere. Why can't I be happy? He could make me happy…something is so horribly wrong with me…I don't let him make me happy….I wish I could just forget about all my doubts…I wish I could forget all this pain…I have to get over this…hell, this is my last chance! He wont give me more…not if I keep hurting him.
A young woman and her 'boyfriend' walked over to Sara who was still sitting on the bench, tears running down her cheeks, her arms hugging her knees.
"Is this place free?", the young woman asked.
Sara looked up to the couple. "I was about to leave.", she said softly and stood up.
The way through the park was a torture, everywhere happy couples, holding hands, kissing each other every five feet of their way,
This could be you…you and Grissom, you could be happy if you wouldn't be that stupid to let the fear of your past take control over you…you could be happy!
four young mothers with their babies on their arms sat on the lawn having picnic,
you could sit there on the lawn with your friends and your baby, if you would just get rid of this panic…if you would just get rid of your fear, why do you fear a relationship? What's wrong with being in a relationship? You could be happy Sara…why can't you just forget about it? He said that he wanted to be the father of my children… Why can't you let him make you happy?
a father taught his son how to play baseball,
This could be him, playing baseball with your son, he loves baseball…he could teach our son playing baseball and we would be in the park once a week and they would play baseball…I would sit on a bench watching them, I would see how happy they are and this would make me happy…I could be happy if I would just allow myself to be happy…Grissom could make me happy if I would just let him…if I would give him a chance to make me happy.
other couples with their children, who were taking their dogs for a walk or just played with them on the lawn
You could have a happy family, you could do all that right that went wrong in your past…I can't fix the past but I can repair the future…Why do I fear to be I a relationship? Why am I scared, I see all these persons who are obviously happy in their relationships…and although this should show me how happy I could be, all I think about is what's behind their happy facades…When Mom and Dad were newly weds they walked through the park too…I saw the pictures…and when we were babies Mom was meeting her friends in the park and we had picnics…I saw the pictures…and when we were older Dad taught us to play baseball…he bought us ice cream…he cared for us….I saw the pictures…and we were going for walks on the beach and in the park…I saw the pictures…and then, when it was dark, when it was night, when he was drunk he began to hit us, he began to abuse me, he became a monster and our life became a hell…I still see these pictures…and at work, each time we have to work a case with domestic abuse or child abuse or rape or…all this stuff…then I see the pictures of my life and…I see the pictures of the victims…and I can't get them out of my head anymore…we meet people at the worst days of their lives…mostly their last days either…and all I see when I fall into my bed at night, when I try to sleep…all I see are the pictures of the victims, the pictures of my father hurting my mother, the pictures of my father abusing me, the pictures of my destroyed life….If I could just change the way I see the world…if I could just change me. I could be happy.
She had reached the end of the park, she turned her head back, seeing a father buying ice cream for his daughter. The thoughts of her father came back into her mind. No! Don't think about this…don't even think about this…this man there is totally innocent…just because he's buying ice cream for his little daughter it doesn't mean he's abusing her! Not everybody is bad…why do I always think the worst of people? Why do I always expect the worst? Just because it happened to me? It's not fair to think always the worst of peoples…it's not fair to expect the worst, you could be much more happy if you'd just leave this alone…you should stop thinking always the worst Sara! I have to stop this!
She left the park behind her, walking through the streets of San Francisco remembered her of her time at Berkeley, she remembered the day that she had met Grissom for the first time…the sun had been shining outside, the audience room in the university hadn't even been half filled…everybody preferred to be outside…other than hanging around in a room without windows listening to some guy who wanted to talk about bugs, actually Sara had been the only one who had been listening to him. She had admired him, she had listened to every word he had said, she had soaked it all up. After the last day of the seminars she had been walking down to him, she had talked to him while he had been organizing his files and notes. They had talked for almost an hour without realizing how fast the time went by…then he had invited her to have a coffee with him, they had talked the whole day, and when he had brought her home to her apartment he had kissed her goodnight. From then on she had never seen him again until he had asked her to come to Vegas…they had talked on the phone sometimes, and she didn't know why, but somehow she had hoped, even after all these years, that he had asked her to come to Vegas, because he wanted to be with her…but he had never talked about what had happened on that day with her…maybe this was too something that had depressed her in the past…and now I could be with him…I could be with the man that I always wanted to be with since I had seen him for the first time…but what do I do? I send him away although he tells me how much he loves me…things change, things can really change…why don't you just let them change, why do you always have to think that thing must automatically be bad? Just because they have been bad in the past? This is no excuse…
She had reached the hotel after a few minutes, she ran upstairs, hoping he would still be there, but deep inside she knew that he had already left. She entered the room and found a letter lying on the ground. She picked it up and opened it.
'Sara,
I hope you are all right, I hope you'll find away to deal with this…you know that, whatever should happen, you can call me…I'm always there for you. I will be back in Vegas and in my house at about 6 PM tonight…so if you want to talk you can call…
I love you Sara!
Gil'
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
He sat in the plane, it would soon land in Vegas, he stared out of the window, looking down on the clouds. I hope she's okay…I really hope she's okay…I shouldn't have left her…I shouldn't have left her alone. She didn't mean to hurt me…I should accept that she needs time…she didn't mean to hurt me and I should have stayed with her…what if she needs me right now and I'm not there to help her? What if she's lying crying on her bed and I'm not there to hold her? What if she needs me to be with her?
He held his purse in his hand, he opened it and looked on the pic of Sara, it had been in his purse for years now…he remembered the day it had been taken so well, always wondering if she was sometimes thinking of that day…if she sometimes remembered the night when he had kissed her goodnight.
okay...I hope you liked that chapter...I so wasn't sure about it first...soI rewrote it about 3 times or so...would be nice if you could tell me what you think of it...thanks : ) ...and a lot of thans to those who already reviewed, reviews make my day : )
