A/N: My thanks for the kind reviews by Cheeki Monkey (sp?) and Tanya (Sorry, couldn't resist using your exotic name!). You guys rock! Unlike somebody who calls herself my BEST FRIEND and hasn't reviewed yet. sniffs
Chapter 3: The Return of Lupin and Lockhart
"Before tonight's dinner, I must announce that Professor Shacklebolt has resigned due to his need to settle his other duties outside of school. But I m glad to welcome Professor Remus John Lupin and Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, both of whom have gladly agreed to the teaching post of Defence Against the Dark Arts."
"I am sure most of you will express concern over this," he fixed a blue twinkling eye upon them all, "because you will all remember Professor Lockhart's state of amnesia when he left the school and also Professor Lupin's monthly illness."
"But I am very glad to say that St. Mungo's has deemed Professor Lockhart ready to be discharged and capable of his teaching task. He will take over Professor Lupin when Professor Lupin is unavailable. With that in mind, may we all partake in tonight's dinner."
A few murmurs broke out within the warm surroundings of the Great Hall as a scrumptious spread materialized onto the plates. With a decent amount of food on her plate (unlike Ron) Hermione spoke to Harry about the transfiguration technique they had been taught.
"It's practice makes perfect for most, I expect, though there are some who just apply theory straight away."
"Hermione, we've gone through this at least twice today!"
"Well, if you don't do it, you can't make it!"
" Orbicok." Interjected Ron
"Swallow, Ron." Hermione backed away from Ron, looking a little green.
"I meant, logical. If you don't do IT, you can't make IT. You don't do IT, you can't make any results." Ron explained. "But if you do it with restricting measures, or you go the crooked mile, you'll never make anything."
"See, Harry? Even Ron agrees-"
"Ron! You wacko crooked minded man! I refuse to sit with you!" Hermione stormed off to find refuge in Ginny.
"Something wrong I said?" Ron asked Harry with faked innocence.
Remus Lupin was in one of the back seats of his newly acquired classroom, shared by his co-teacher Gilderoy, looking very amused indeed. His colleague was strutting around trying to perfect his 'grand entrance'. Remus turned to his best friend who sat in the seat next to his.
"Well, Sirius, are you a contented man now? To be free and compensated for your wrongful imprisonment and to come and torment an old friend's workplace?"
"Now, now, Remus, I shan't bother you about the state of the workplace. It's been like this ever since who-cares-when-for-the-love-of-Merlin's-balls. As far as I'm concerned, you were the only one who actually bothered getting a Grindylow tank into this place. I shall spare you my comments about the workplace -"
"Thank Merlin."
"But torment you with my comments on your workmate." Grinned Sirius.
"Shoots Merlin where his precious are."
"Let me get this straight, I am here to speculate this deranged Harry-straddling maniac who is currently making a cock of himself actually teach?"
"Deranged is a little strong, Sirius, the bloke only had a bad case of memory charm. I am not so sure about Harry-straddling either. All I did hear was that he had Harry play a werewolf and re-enact his defeat of the Wanga Wanga Werewolf. I read that story of the defeat when I was browsing through Molly's living room. It appears that Gilderoy just sat on Harry. But to answer your question, yes, I told him to do the honours."
The Gryffindors and Slytherins streamed in, in high and foul moods respectively. A handful or better yet, majority of them gave a startled reaction when they saw Sirius observing their numbers nonchalantly. Sirius gave a loud bark of laughter to this and pointed his wand at them, pretending to be a sadistic student-killer.
He failed to note that those students found it rather alarming and that Remus looked unhesitant to smack him upside his raven-haired head.
"Welcome to Defence Against the Dark Arts, young students. You have the privilege to be taught by me, Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin third class, five times winner-"
"Ahem. Get straight to the point please." Sirius yawned.
"Gilderoy, if you please then." Remus smiled warmly, "And don't mind Sirius."
"Of course I don't mind him! I will give you a nice joined-up writing of my name later!"
Harry turned sharply to Ron and Hermione, " I am beginning to think that he is still in dire need of shock therapy."
Ron agreed and was promptly kicked under the table by Hermione who was feeling offended for her teacher. Anyone who saw Hermione's second year timetable could swear that Hermione must have had a little something for Lockhart.
"Ah, and how well better to start the lesson than a little re-enactment of my defeat of the Wanga Wanga Werewolf? How about that? Who'd like to volunteer? How about you, that boy with black hair, in the black robes?"
Harry was most alarmed and edged his chair as far as he could away from Lockhart's outstretched hands. He didn't want a repeat of history. But he was saved when Lockhart shoved his chair aside and headed straight for the door at the far end of the classroom.
They all turned, eager to find out who was the unfortunate soul. He who had the misfortune to catch Lockhart's attention was none other than Snape, who stood in his billowing robes, vial of smoking potion in hand
"What?" Snape spluttered, "I am only here to hand Lupin his potion and be off!"
Lockhart only dragged him to the front of the class with enthusiasm. The class shook with suppressed laughter, Remus took the vial from Snape with a horribly forced straight face, Sirius leaned forward with glee and Snape quaked with suppressed rage.
"So I wrestled with him" Lockhart attempted to hold Snape as close to him as possible, which wasn't easy and soon Lockhart had both arms and a leg wrapped around Snape. Sirius turned on some music and whistled "That looks more like the slow dance I did with Hestia Jones at the fifth year Halloween Ball!" He chuckled as Snape looked severely offended.
"Then I got him to the ground" Lockhart managed to pant out as he collapsed on top of Snape. Snape screeched at his manhandling.
"Then I sat on him." Lockhart rode on Snape, horse-riding style. "Howdy!" stared Sirius. He tapped Remus on the shoulder, "Do you actually see what I see? Your colleague is a Snape straddler! Shame on Dumbledore!"
"What is going on here?" the sharp whip-like voice of Minerva McGonagall cracked through the classroom. "Why are you here, Sirius Black?"
"I am here to ogle at the plight of Snivellus, 'tis a good show, free admission too."
"What do you-" She stared, "Oh Merlin shag it!" She regained composure, "I mean, Gilderoy! Get off Severus at once!"
"But why? I am just showing how I defeated the Wanga Wanga Werewolf." Lockhart asked, sky blue eyes wide and asking like a pouting child.
"Because…I…am…going…to…kill…YOU!" Snape snarled like a savage beast (or a ravished beast?) and he lunged for Lockhart's throat.
To him, he could see himself strangling Lockhart the Snape straddler. But from the rest of the class's view, they looked like they were making out heavily. Snape head was close to Lockhart's with his greasy hair covering what his hands were really doing, his hands were on Lockhart's face and neck and his legs had Lockhart's body in a tight vice-like lock.
Sirius howled. Remus gagged. The Gryffindors cheered. The Slytherins stared. Snape and Lockhart kept going at it. McGonagall looked disgusted.
"Severus! Restrain yourself!" The elderly Transfiguration professor commanded.
Sirius took out a camera and snapped the photo (" Cam Shot Moment" he told Remus), then proceeded to examine the picture, mischief plans in the making.
McGonagall marched forth and pulled the two apart, a look of disgust etched on her prim face. "The headmaster will hear of this, boys." She assured them, "Because we are going to tell him. Now."
The bell rang, bringing all back to reality. "Ahem." Remus cleared his throat," I believe the class is over. Your assignment is to just read your textbook, pages 69 through 88. That will be all."
As the class left quietly, memories still fresh, Remus strolled over to where Sirius now sat.
"Delightful Polaroid you have there, Padfoot."
"My best taken as of yet. And don't worry, I swear on my life that I will not post this and any other duplicates to any members of the Order. Nor anywhere or anyone in this school."
"Thank Merlin and Thank Voldemort, even."
"I will enlarge this and make it stalk Snape for a month. And I will send the photograph to advertise in the Daily Prophet."
"Spares Merlin and shoots Voldemort where it hurts the most."
"You know, Moony, Voldemort may not even have his thing under those robes. Who knows if the transformations he went through included the loss of his jewels?"
"You're right."
A/N: I know, I know, Sirius Black is reputedly dead because he fell through some oh-so-mysterious fabric into an oh-so-mysterious hole that fascinates the minds of old wankers at the Ministry. But hey, he was a pretty darn great guy, right? I have an addiction with Marauders (minus Peter) being together and having fun. Reminds me of the old times I had with MY best buds back then, putting exploding/popping/snapping devices into other people's pencilboxes, textbooks and files.
