disclaimer : I own neither Grissom and Sara, but I own Melissa and Ben
AN: Thanks to inlya : )
change the future
She buried her face into her brother's shirt, she felt tears running down her cheeks, she couldn't help it, although she had told herself not to cry, she couldn't stop the tears that were fighting to run out of her eyes. Ben's arms were twined around her. This is not fair…I had just forgiven her and then…we're ripped apart for ever…I need her…and now she's gone…I don't want her to be gone! I want her to be here! I don't want her to be dead! I need her now!
"Sara…let's go…we can't do anything anymore…", Ben said softly.
"No...No I won't leave now!"
"Sara…there's nothing we can do anymore…she's dead."
"Ben you don't understand this!...I had just…found her back…I mean…I had just realized that I need her…and then…then she dies…that's not right…it's not fair! She shouldn't be dead! I don't understand why you can stay that calmed!"
"Sara…I knew that she'd die for about half a year…and she had been ill before…this was…she's finally free…that's what she always wanted…no more pain…she's free now…try to see it that way!"
"I feel so guilty…I should have been there for her before." I wish I would have been there for her before, I should have been there for her before! She was my mother! I should have known that she needs me…I am such a horrible daughter…I should have been there for her before…and I shouldn't have wasted all that time by avoiding to meet her again…we could have spend so much time together.
"Sara…all she needed was that you forgive her, and you did…that is all she ever wanted…you did everything you could."
"If I could just tell her how much I loved her.", she whispered.
"Sara…she knew how much she meant to you…believe me…that you came here and that you forgave her was the best thing that happened to her in the last years…hey…she knew you loved her."
They remained in silence for a while. Ben's arms still holding her. "Let's go home…okay?"
Sara nodded softly. We can do nothing for her…she's dead, she'll never come back…I had just found her back and now I lost her again…but this time I can never find her back again…this is so unfair.
On their ride home both were quiet. Then Sara broke the silence. "Did she still live in our old house?"
"The B and B?"
"Yeah."
"Sure…she ran it until last year…when the cancer came back it was too much for her."
"Can you take me there?"
"I don't think that's a good idea Sar."
"Please." I know that's a bad idea…but I have to get over this nightmare of a childhood…I have to see this place again, at least for one last time.
Ben sighed softly, but he knew if he wouldn't take her there she'd go there on her own. It was dark outside, it had began to rain about half an hour ago…he wouldn't let her neither, drive nor walk alone at this time, especially not in her condition.
He stopped the car near to the entrance door, they ran trough the rain as fast a they could. When they had reached the Veranda Sara noticed the bench, it had been there for ever, she thought…she remembered the night when her father had died. The two paramedics had taken care of her while she had been sitting on this bench…they had taken care of her until the woman from the foster care service came and picked her up.
Ben recognized that Sara was lost in thoughts. "Hey…are you sure that you…"
"...yes.", she said softly and followed him into the house.
Ben turned the light on. The way it looked in there was so familiar to her, nothing had changed. The reception desk was still on the right, she had been working there during her holidays when she had still been on high school, and there were still the same pictures hanging on the walls. The carpet on the stairs was still the same. She remembered how her mother had been cleaning it almost everyday…she had always told her that she did so because the guests needed a clean carpet, but Sara knew that she did it to wash her hands clean. And although the carpet had been cleaned each day, and although it was so many years ago, Sara could still see her father's blood on it when she was walking upstairs now. She knew it was ridiculous, nothing was visible, but she could see the stains. She knew where they had been…she still saw them, she could still feel the wet blood on her feet…it was as if this memory was hunting her, she couldn't get rid of it, she couldn't get rid of the pictures of blood, her father's blood.
She had reached her bed room. It still looked the way it had when she had left. She tried to remember how the room had looked like the night her father had been killed, there had been drawings on the walls, and the closet had been on the other side of the room. She knew that because she had hidden herself in the closet when she had heard her parents fighting. She had hidden herself in the closet more than once…maybe this had saved her life. She opened the closet, there were still shirts and trouser of her in it. "God I have been such a nerd.", she said softly.
"Yeah…yeah that's true."
She turned around. "Ben! What are you doing here!"
"I am the one who drove you here…"
"…I mean in this room…I thought you were downstairs!"
"I didn't mean to disturb you."
"You don't."
Ben looked at a dent in the doorframe. "My head or yours?"
Sara shrugged, her fingers softly running over the dent. "Don't know…might be yours, I wasn't tall enough.", this bastard never cared about how old we were…he simply smashed us against the doorframes, walls, closet doors…he didn't even care.
Ben swallowed hard. "You never got over it, did you?"
"How should I?", she said softly.
Ben took a deep breath and twined his arms around her.
"How did you get over it?", she asked softly.
"Melissa gave me the strength I needed…but…you know I never had it as hard as you had…I feared to be as brutal as he was…that was my greatest problem…I thought I could hurt her or our children."
"But…how did you forget about what happened?"
"We can't forget about what happened…if we forget we are in danger to do the same…if we don't forget…we can make it right."
"But…how can I live with what has happened?"
"Accept hat it's a part of your life…don't forget how horrible it was, but always remind yourself that now your life is much better…that's the only way it works…and if you feel like all the memories are hunting you…talk to someone about it…talking helps much more than you might think…but maybe I'm only saying this because my wife earns her money with listing."
Sara laughed softly. "This sounds so easy…I doubt that it can really be that simple."
"It needs some time…but believe me…Sara this is the only way how it really works…we can't change the past…we can only change our future."
They walked through the other rooms. Sara looked at the walls, still feeling as if she was able to see her father's fresh blood on the walls. She swallowed hard, trying to ban these thoughts from her head.
"What's wrong?", Ben asked concerned.
"It's nothing…just…I can still see his blood everywhere."
"Maybe we should leave."
"What is going to happen with the house, now when she's dead?"
"I don't know…I'd sell it…but,…on the other hand…I mean it's your decision too, but…I'd like to reopen the B and B."
"Changing the future.", she said softly.
"Yeah…what do you think?"
"That's a good idea…really."
They remained in silence until they left the house.
"We will have to plan the funeral.", she said softly.
Ben looked up to her. "Will you call Gil?"
She nodded softly. "I sent him home yesterday…I bet he thinks I totally lost my mind when I ask him to come here again…but…I need him."
Ben smiled softly. "You love him."
"I do…more than anything else…I wouldn't still be alive without him…and…I wouldn't have made it here without him…I am so glad he convinced me to come here…if I couldn't have said goodbye to Mom…I mean…I would have felt guilty for the rest of my life! I would have never been able to forgive myself."
When they had entered Ben's house Melissa had already prepared the guest room for Sara. Sara let herself fall into the queen sized bed. She dialled Grissom's number on her cell phone.
"Sara!", his voice sounded relieved.
"Hey.", she said softly. Oh god…he will think I totally lost my mind when I ask him to come back…he wont come back, I don't deserve it that he comes back.
"Are you okay?"
"My mother died.", she felt tears rising up in her eyes again.
"Oh my God…Sara…Sara I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry."
"I need you Gil…I need you so much right now.", she began to cry.
"I'll take the next flight…where are you now?"
"My brother's house." He will come…thank God…he wont leave me alone, he'll take care of me…he wont leave me alone.
"Okay…Honey I will be with you as fast as possible."
"Thank you…", she tried to stop crying, but she couldn't help it. "…thank you so much."
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