Title: All That Is Left
Notes: The line regarding "girls who say 'aboot'" comes from the genius Kevin Smith, not me. I put it in for a friend and because I'm sick of Australians who laugh every time I say "out and about" or "oot and aboot' as they hear it. Damn Skippys! Anyways, enjoy!
Chapter 6
Penny carefully navigated Luke's car down the streets of Arcadia. Visibility was terrible and the roads were icy, forcing her to maintain a low speed. Still, it wasn't too bad. She'd grown up experiencing New Hampshire winters and had driven in much worse.
"Thanks for driving me." Grace said quietly, staring out the passenger window at the snow swirling in the heavy winds.
After Luke had left Grace in the foyer and Penny had made her presence known, Grace had wanted nothing more then to flee the reception hall. She had wanted nothing more then to go home, curl up in her bed and be alone with her misery. Certainly, she hadn't wanted to spend time with Luke's new girlfriend, who had just overheard their very personal and terrible confrontation. Yet, she found herself unable to move. The fight with Luke had drained so much from her that, after grabbing her jacket from the rack, she'd just stood and stared out at the growing snow storm. Looking out into the dark, cold night, Grace felt that she was actually seeing a vision of her future, frozen and desolate. She'd barely registered what it was that Penny was saying, not really wanting to listen to the girl, but she had silently accepted the offer of a car ride home. The two had said little as they drove, only breaking the silence when directions were needed.
Glancing at the girl in her passenger seat, Penny gave her a small smile. "Couldn't let you walk home in this. I volunteered to be designated driver for tonight anyways. That way I get to hit the open bar at the wedding." It had been a spur-of-the-moment decision on her part to offer Grace a ride home, but after what had just happened, Penny felt like she had to do something for her. "It's no trouble."
From her unobserved position in the hallway off the foyer, she had witnessed the entire ugly scene between Grace and Luke. Listening to the two argue, she had been surprised by something that she heard in Grace's voice. There had been pain and anger, that was to be expected, but Penny was certain that she had also detected a note of regret and longing from the blond. Up until that moment, she had assumed that Luke was the only one who was still in love with his ex, but it seemed to Penny that perhaps Grace too was harboring some emotions. After Luke stalked off, Penny had seen the expression of anguish and despair on Grace's face and her heart had gone out to the girl. Now, as she sat beside her in the car, Penny tried to think of a way to broach the subject with her. She wanted to know if her suspicions were correct, if Grace still had feelings for Luke.
"Somehow I doubt Luke would agree with you." Grace remarked with a grim laugh, "His girlfriend driving his ex home would probably sound like a whole lot of trouble to him."
"Girlfriend?" Penny smiled at Grace's misunderstanding. "Sweetie, Luke and I are just friends. We're not dating. Which is good, because I have my eye on the second bridesmaid; you know, the brunette from Canada." she laughed at Grace's surprised expression. "I got a crazy thing for girls who say 'aboot' "
Despite her shock at realizing that Penny was not in fact Luke's girlfriend, Grace smiled at the redhead's comment. "You might not be so hot for her when you see her tomorrow." Grace told Penny, feeling more relaxed around her now. "Joan picked some truly ugly dresses for the bridesmaids to wear."
"That actually works to my advantage." Penny informed her with a conspiratorial wink. "I always find with bridesmaids that the uglier the dress, the easier it is to get them to take it off." The two shared a small laugh at the joke.
"So you and Luke are just friends?" Grace asked, wanting to make sure.
"For almost four years now."
"Then I'm definitely surprised that you gave me a ride." Grace admitted to her. "After that little scene in the foyer and all he's probably told you about me...well, let's just say that I wouldn't have expected you to be so nice."
"To tell you the truth," said Penny slowly, "Luke has never even mentioned you before. Yesterday was the first time I've ever heard him say your name." She watched Grace, curious as to how she might react to this news.
Shaking her head, Grace just looked out the window. "Turn left up here." was her only response.
They drove in silence for a few more minutes. Grace could sense Penny's eyes as the girl kept glancing at her. She knew that Penny probably had something she wanted to say, but Grace was not in the mood to talk. Learning that Luke hadn't mentioned her, even to complain, to someone he had known for nearly four years only depressed her more. To Grace, it seemed like further proof that he had pushed all thoughts of her from his life and that he had long ago stopped caring for her.
Still feeling the weight of the girl's stare, Grace was beginning to get a bit uncomfortable with the scrutiny. "What?" she asked, a note of annoyance creeping into her voice.
"Nothing." said Penny, unsure of whether or not she should pry. Matters of love between two people were tricky and she'd always felt that it was usually best to let them sort things out themselves. "Is it really my place to interfere?" she thought to herself. Unbidden, an image popped into Penny's head of a girl with short dark hair and laughing eyes. Suddenly overwhelmed by the memory, Penny unconsciously reached over and touched her shoulder, as if she could feel the tattoo beneath her shirt. Reminded of the pain of lost opportunities, Penny decided to forge ahead in the conversation, knowing that certain things were worth the effort.
"Can I ask you a question, Grace?" she said, keeping her voice even.
"Let me guess." said Grace heavily, resenting Penny's curiosity. As far as Grace was concerned, the girl had already heard quite enough during her argument with Luke. She was a private person and didn't like the idea of talking about this with someone who she had known for all of twenty minutes. "You want to know why I broke up with him right? Well, I don't want to sound rude, but it's not really any of your business."
"That wasn't what I was going to say." replied Penny, undeterred by Grace's anger. "The truth is, it doesn't matter anymore. Whatever reasons you had then for dumping him make no difference now. That's not what interests me" Stopping at a red light, she made sure that Grace was looking at her. "What I want to know is this: do you regret it? Do you wish you could change things?"
"What does it matter now?" Grace asked her quietly, her voice laden with regret. "I don't mean anything to him anymore. I'm just a bad memory." Unable to meet Penny's eyes any longer, she simply pointed up the street at her parents' house. Penny didn't pursue the question, she merely drove along the street, stopping outside the indicated house.
Putting the car into park, Penny turned so she could look at Grace straight on. "Believe me Grace, you definitely mean something to him. It isn't nothing that keeps him in the lab 'till all hours, trying to block out the world. It isn't nothing that drives him to chat-up short haired blondes in bars and either leave them frustrated or come back the next day all frustrated to hell himself." Leaning forward, Penny wanted to make sure that her next words sunk in.. "And if you meant nothing to him, then I certainly doubt he'd keep repeating your name in his sleep."
Unable to respond, Grace just reached for the handle and opened the door. "Thanks again for the ride." she said shakily, getting out of the car.
Knowing that there was no more she could say, Penny gave Grace a warm smile. "See you at the wedding." she told her quietly.
Watching Grace walk into her house, Penny put the car in gear and tried to remember her way back to the reception hall. She needed to have a talk with Luke tonight and she doubted it would be an easy one.
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Luke laid on his bed, trying very hard to concentrate on the book in front of him. The events of the evening had left him out of sorts and he was desperate to think of anything else. That didn't seem likely however.. Tossing the book away in disgust, he sat up and tried to get a handle on his emotions.
His confrontation with Grace had been one of the toughest of his life. In the last four years Luke had become an expert at burying his emotions. He had worked diligently at creating a mask of impassivity to show the world and erecting barriers to shield his himself. Over time, he had even almost convinced himself that his emotional camouflage and armour were impenetrable. Tonight however, he'd realized that it was all for nothing. Despite all this time and his many efforts, he still loved her. Hearing Grace ask for forgiveness and seeing the pain in her eyes, all the feelings that he had tried so hard to be rid of had surfaced and he'd found himself having to leave before he lost control.
Sighing, Luke closed his eyes and put his head in his hands.
Penny stood in the doorway, listening to Luke sigh. She'd been in the bathroom, getting ready for bed and trying to figure out how to get Luke to talk about his feelings. After she'd dropped Grace at home and gone back to the reception hall, Penny had decided that she would hold off on having the discussion with him until later that night. That would give her enough time to come up with a strategy to bring down some of his barriers so that he might be willing to talk about Grace. She'd thought about it all evening, spinning different scenarios, but only one really had any potential for success. Unfortunately, it was not one that she was comfortable with.
Now, seeing him sitting there in such obvious pain, Penny knew that she would have to make this sacrifice for her friend's well-being. In order to get Luke to come out from behind his emotional defences, she would have to lower hers as well. Taking deep breath, Penny sat down beside Luke and began to speak.
"Michelle..."
Hearing the name and the tone it was spoken in, Luke fixed his eyes on Penny. She turned slightly away from him, so that he could see the tattoo on the back of her left shoulder. Reaching up, she ran her finger over it. It was simple really, the name "Michelle" with an infinity symbol beneath it. A simple design, but it's meaning was clear.
"Michelle was a girl." Penny tried to keep control of her voice, but it was obvious she was struggling. "Just a girl. She had her good points and her bad ones, like everyone. Smart, beautiful...these words would describe her. Compassionate, aggravatingly stubborn...those would work too. I could go on for hours, but it would be futile. Saying them like that, like a list or a set of ingredients won't mean anything. What can it matter to you that her laugh was clear and sweet, or that she only ate sandwiches with the crusts cut off?" Penny turned back to Luke, looking him in the eye as tears slowly rolled down her cheeks. "I can describe her forever, but you'll never truly understand how it all fit together in a way that made me love her."
Penny wiped gently at a few of her tears and gave Luke a small smile. "We were together for five months in my last year of highschool. Five months...it seems like only five minutes now, but it was the happiest I've ever been. When she would whisper in my ear that she loved me, the world would make sense and I would feel safe."
"Michelle was fearless in all things..." At this, Penny dropped her eyes and her voice took on a note of self-loathing. "Unfortunately, I wasn't. At the time, I hadn't come out yet, still hiding and pretending. At first it hadn't been a big deal, she'd treated the sneaking around as a bit of a game. As we became serious though, it wore on her more and more. She wanted everyone to know about us. Secretly, I did too. I would dream about her telling me she loved me in public, so anyone could hear. I was too scared to take the step though."
Standing up, Penny moved over to the bedroom window and looked out at the dark night and the blowing snow. "Finally, Michelle left. She didn't want to, but what choice did she have? The lie was tainting our love, sullying something pure. All that I'd had to do was be brave enough...but I wasn't. We never got back together."
Penny stopped, struggling to get the next part of the story out. She didn't want to talk about this part of her life, but she had to find a way to make Luke realize that he couldn't just ignore his feelings.
"What about when you did come out?" Luke asked softly, "Did you try to see her again?"
Swallowing hard, Penny looked at Luke with eyes full of sorrow. "Never got the chance. She was killed in a car crash two months after we broke up." Moving back to the bed, she sat down and put her head on Luke's shoulder. Putting his arm around her, Luke and Penny sat silently, listening to the wind howl outside the window.
After a few quiet minutes, Luke seemed to come to a decision. Standing up, he moved over to the far side of his room and kneeled down by the wall. Penny watched as Luke pried a small section of the baseboard away, revealing a small recess. It was obviously some sort of secret hiding place he'd had as a child. Reaching in, Luke pulled out a small box, a ring box, which he carried back over to the bed and handed to Penny.
Opening the lid, Penny saw that it contained two rings, identical except for size. Gently removing one from the box, she examined it. It was a simple band, unadorned except for two small channels that ran the circumference of the ring. The band was made of a beautiful silver-white metal that gleamed with a high polish. Feeling the weight of it in her hand, Penny realized that it was too light to be made of either silver or gold.
"Titanium." said Luke, anticipating her question. "Number 22 on the periodic table of elements. Extremely strong, yet 60 lighter than steel, it can endure extreme temperatures and is resistant to almost all acids." Penny could recognize his "lecture voice" as Luke dispassionately related the properties of the metal. "Titanium is used by NASA on the space shuttle and, in it's purest forms, as an incendiary in fireworks."
"While it can be found all over the Earth, including in the human body, it can also..." For the first time, his voice shook slightly and Penny could hear the deep emotion in his words, "..it can also be found in meteors."
"They're beautiful." Penny told him, admiring their elegant simplicity.
"They seemed to sum up Grace and I in so many ways. Titanium appealed to the geek in me, and I knew Grace would appreciate the their practicality and how unorthodox they are." Smiling slightly, Luke picked the second ring out of the box and held it in his palm. "Besides, I knew if I bought gold and diamonds, Grace would've given me a lecture on the artificially inflated price of diamonds and the terrible conditions of diamond mines in the developing world."
"I wasn't going to ask her to marry me, not in the traditional sense. I mean, I figured we might someday, but that wasn't the point of the rings." Taking the band out of Penny's hand, he placed it in his palm beside it twin. "I knew that she had all kinds of plans and wanted to do so many things. This was my way of telling her that no matter what, I would be by her side." Luke closed his fist around the rings. "That was the real meaning behind choosing this particular metal. It was a symbol of our love: something that can produce fire, but withstand the heat, be strong enough to bind us, but light enough that it didn't hold us down." Luke's voice was almost a whisper as he continued. "Something that could last forever."
"What did she say when you showed them to her?" Penny asked quietly.
Shaking his head, as if to clear his thoughts, Luke put the rings back into the box. "She never saw them. I had planned to give it to her the night before I left for MIT. Unfortunately she had already broken up with me by then." Putting the ring box on the bedside table, he gave a grim laugh. "Man, I sure didn't see that coming."
"So there's the story. Right before I could tell her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, Grace informed me that I was holding her back and that in order to enjoy life, she couldn't be burdened with our love. So I went away to school and did whatever it took so that I could just keep breathing." Moving away from the bed, Luke walked over to the window. Penny could see the tears gleaming on his cheeks.
"Do you still love her?" Penny knew that this question might be too much, but she needed to know the answer.
"I tried so hard to bury it, to kill it. I wanted to burn it out of my life and my soul, no matter what the cost..." Luke turned to look at Penny, his eyes full of sorrow. "..but I couldn't. I said that I would always love her, and I've never stopped." Luke's voice trailed off and his body was wracked with a quiet sob.
"Look," Penny said, taking his hand and leading him back to the bed. "You have to decide what you want to do, what risks you want to take. Let me just tell you that the girl I drove home tonight still has feelings for you and you owe it to yourself to see where that might lead." Letting him lie down, Penny put a hand against his cheek. "Trust me Luke, in stuff like this, the only thing worse then taking a chance and failing, is losing that chance altogether."
Lying down beside him, Penny switched off the light. "Take it from someone who knows."
Lying there in the dark, the two listened as the storm raged outside. Sleep was a long time in coming for both of them, and when it finally did, they both dreamt of the women they loved.
TBC
A/N: Please review and tell me what you think. Thanksto all who have reviewed and who have not mentioned my rather reckless and liberal use of commas!
