Why Aragorn Is Not An Onion

Claire looked impatiently at her watch (Gucci, courtesy of Galadriel and Celeborn). Okay, so he wasn't that late, but the groom was supposed to be at the altar before the bride, so that when she enters, all the guests can 'ooh' and 'aah' at her beauty.

Aragorn's best man, Legolas, was starting to look bored. He fiddled some with his bow (no matter what Gimli said, he wouldn't put his weapons down, not even at his best friend's wedding), then started to brush his hair, counting down from 1,000.

The guests of honour who were sitting in the front row also looked bored. The groom was, after all, 47 minutes late, and there had been no entertainment of any form. Except for maybe when a fangirl yelped in terror and scrambled atop Frodo's shoulders because a cockroach was climbing up her leg.

Claire shifted her weight so her feet didn't feel like they were going to snap. Damn that Aragorn, she cursed her soon to be husband, how dare he stand me up at the altar…

Suddenly, a horrible thought struck her. What if he got cold feet? What if he decided that he wants to marry Arwen, not me?

Looking into the crowd, Claire breathed a sigh of relief as she caught sight of the Evenstar amongst them. So Aragorn wasn't somewhere in Lothlorien, having his private wedding with his secret love child as a bridesmaid.

The doors of the church suddenly banged open and everyone bolted awake. Aragorn entered, a small purple onion wearing a cute little tuxedo and a top hat.

"Sorry I'm late," the little onion puffed, "my chauffeur tried to eat me, but luckily I had a toothpick and stabbed him in the eye."

Claire's face broke into a smile as she saw Aragorn was unscathed, and turned to the priest. "We are ready to begin," she announced, beaming as Aragorn hoped up the aisle to join her.

~~~

Ah, yes, my readers, you have come to the most asked questions of all, 'why Aragorn is not an onion'. While many readers may have the belief that Aragorn is indeed an onion, I am sorry to say that no, you are wrong, Aragorn is not an onion, and I can prove that.

We will look at the three life phases of the onion and compare it with the three life phases of our beloved King of Gondor.

The first life phase of an onion: small and rounded. The onion will start off small, yet it will prove its potential to be a good onion by eating lots of fertiliser and whatnot and making itself quite plump.

The first life phase of Aragorn, however, is not to make himself plump by eating lots of fertiliser. Instead, he experiences birth. While most people will not have witnessed the process of birth, I have quite a weak stomach and will not describe it step by step. If you would like to see for yourself how the Dúnadan was born, you will just have to go to the hospital and barge into a room where a birth is taking place. Or you could just get a cat to impregnate your cat, and imagine that one of the kittens is Aragorn.

The second life phase of an onion is big and rounded. The onion will grow; indeed, it will grow from small to big. While it does not change in stature (I.e. rounded) it is not in its second phase of life as it has changed.

Aragorn's second life phase is quite hard to decide. It will range from puberty to career to marriage and to men-opause (A/N: lol). As none of these resemble big and rounded (unless he somehow gets a beer belly, but he's so fit I don't think that will happen), Aragorn's second life phase bears no resemblance to an onion's.

The third and most important life phase of an onion: furry and big and rounded. Here we are presuming that the onion does not get eaten. The onion will age, and while humans loose hair, the onion will gain fur as it gets old and mouldy.

I do not believe that Aragorn, in his final phase of life (death) will gain any fur. He might after a couple of hundreds of years later in his grave, but that would be his fourth phase of life- disintegration.

With my many convincing points, I hope the readers now understand that no way, under any circumstances, will Aragorn become an onion, or vice versa.

~End

Disclaimer: I dun own anything… except the big round and furry onion.

A/N: another instalment of my insanity *laughs evilly*. Coming up next time: why Merry is not a CD case.