Title: All That Is Left
Notes: Alright. Not much to say. Thanks to Shadowcrawler for suggesting "Here By Me" by Three Doors Down for the song. And, thanks to everyone who has reviewed. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter 9
"Would you...would you like to dance"
Luke was almost as shocked as Grace when he heard himself ask her to dance. He'd come over to her, knowing that they needed to talk, but in truth he'd had no idea what he was supposed to say. When she had turned around to face him, Luke had just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
Looking surprised and a little incredulous, Grace seemed uncertain of how to respond. Of all the things that she had figured Luke might say to her, an invitation to "cut the rug" was not one she'd even remotely expected. The request seemed ridiculous. Here they were, two people with numerous issues to work out, who'd been at each other's throats just yesterday and Luke's solution seemed to be dancing...to "Celebration" no less. Sheer madness! It was on the tip of her tongue to point this out to him, but looking into Luke's eyes, Grace could see a certain nervous hope that caused a flutter in her stomach. Forgetting all her objections, she just gave a small nod.
Luckily for them both, at that moment the sounds of Kool and the Gang were replaced by another selection. Grace smiled slightly as she heard the opening bars of the song. It seemed the DJ, in a rare display of taste often absent from wedding DJ's, had chosen to play something that didn't sound like it came from the "100 of the Cheesiest Songs" box set.
Taking her hand, Luke led Grace out onto the dance floor. Slowly, they assumed the classic dance pose, his one hand on her hip, hers on his shoulder, their other hands clasped together. Luke was vaguely aware of his mother's eyes tracking them as he and Grace slowly began to move with the music.
I hope you're doing fine out there without me
'Cause I'm not doing so good without you
The things I thought you'd never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood
They were both stiff at first, awkward. It had been a long time since they'd been this close to one another and those years seemed like a physical presence between them. There arms held a rigidity that was more appropriate for seventh graders at their first dance, then two people who had once been lovers. Both avoided making eye contact with the other. Grace kept her eyes fixed over Luke's shoulder, while he cast his gaze at their joined hands.
So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…
They swayed gently to the melody, both feeling unsure and anxious. Not used to dancing, Luke mistimed his footwork and stepped lightly on Grace's foot. Looking directly at her for the first time, he gave a small, apologetic smile. Grace's nervousness was lessened by his expression and she muttered a playful, "Geek." in response. The tension seemed to ease slightly with this small interaction and they held each other's gaze a few moments longer then necessary.
And everything I had in this world
And all that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
The mood lightened, Grace and Luke slowly began to relax into one another. Luke slid his arm around Grace, placing his palm on her lower back. Without thinking, Grace responded by sliding her hand from Luke's shoulder to the back of his neck, pulling him to her. Their bodies, as if acting on instinct or perhaps memory, drew closer, fitting together in a way that was achingly familiar to them both.
I can't take another day without you
'Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I've been waiting so long, just to hold you
And be back in your arms where I belong
Luke breathed in her scent, that smell that he could only describe as being distinctly Grace. Leaning in closer, trying to surround himself with it, he placed his cheek lightly against her forehead. To Grace, it seemed as if the entire world had been reduced to certain sensations, the feel of Luke's warm breath on her hair, the heat of where their bodies touched, the way his fingers curled around hers, pulling their joined hand in close. With intense clarity, she realized that this was what had been missing from her life for so long, what she'd allowed her fear to rob from her. No longer however. In that instant, the only thing she feared was that the music would stop and the moment might end.
Sorry I can't always find the words to say
But everything I've ever know gets swept away
Inside of your love…
"Luke," Grace said quietly, unable to look up at him, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry! I just..." Grace stopped, unable to continue. "Shhh." Luke whispered in her ear, holding her tightly, "I know." Pulling back slightly, Grace looked up into his face. She found herself staring into blue eyes that held both acceptance and forgiveness. Moving her hand from his neck, she placed it on Luke's cheek, brushing her thumb lightly across his skin. Closing his eyes at her touch, Luke's mind shut out all objections and fears as he leaned forward and captured Grace's lips with his own.
And everything I had in this world
And all that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
The moment their lips touched, the rest of the world just seemed to fade away. The reception hall, the couples dancing around them, even the music just disappeared. All either one of them could focus on was the way it felt to kiss the other, a feeling that each had been missing for far too long. Grace felt as if her heart were expanding, filling the emptiness that had plagued her life. As Luke's lips moved across hers, she wondered how she had ever given this up and wanted nothing more then to make up for lost time.
Inside Luke, a battle was being waged. The emotional walls that he had built to protect himself were crumbling in a rush of feeling. The walls were thick, high, and well defended, yet they could not stand against the onslaught. Standing there, kissing Grace, Luke allowed himself to truly feel for the first time in years, experiencing all those wonderful emotions that only Grace could stir in him and which he had denied himself for so long.
Finally, oxygen requirements forced them to part and they both stepped back, panting slightly. Suddenly, Luke took Grace's hand and began pulling her off the dance floor. He didn't say a word, but Grace could sense his urgency and happily let him lead her through the crowd towards the exit to the foyer. In truth, at that moment she would have followed him anywhere.
Luke pushed through the door and out into the relative quiet of the empty foyer. Releasing Grace's hand, he turned to face her. She smiled at him expectantly, placing her hands on his shoulders and leaning forward for another kiss.
There was nothing in the world that Luke wanted more then to taste her lips again, but he knew that if he did, he'd be lost.
"Grace," he said, pulling back, "Wait." He could see a look of slight confusion and worry cross her face and it took all his will not to banish it with a kiss.
"Don't get shy on me now Girardi." Grace said with uncertain levity, "It's been awhile and I think we need the practice." Moving forward, she was surprised when he stopped her again.
"Hold on Grace." Luke said, taking a step back. "What...what are we doing?" His voice betrayed the turmoil inside him and Grace could see the fear behind his eyes.
"They call it kissing." said Grace, trying to cover her confusion and worry with humour, "It leads to making up and, if you play your cards right, maybe something a whole lot sweatier." She tried to give him a mischievous smile, but it faltered as she realized that he wasn't laughing. Taking a tentative step towards him, she looked him straight in the eye, "Isn't that what this is about...you and I getting back together?"
When he didn't answer, Grace pushed on, trying to quell the sick feeling building in her stomach. "I thought maybe that was...I mean, I was hoping..." Grace floundered, unable to phrase her thoughts in the face of his silence. "You can't tell me that kiss didn't mean anything!" she said forcefully, as if daring him to contradict her.
"You're right, I can't." said Luke sadly, as if he didn't want to be saying the words, "Kissing you again was perhaps the best thing I've ever done. It's definitely the best I've felt in four years."
"Okay." said Grace, relieved, "So let's get back to doing what feels good." Reaching out for him, she paused as the sad look did not leave his face.
"I'm sorry Grace." Luke said, his voice thick with emotion, "I can't do this again."
"I thought you forgave me. Isn't that what you meant in there?" Grace was feeling desperate. A moment ago it seemed as if they were on the cusp of something wonderful, now it all seemed to be slipping away. "How many times can I say 'I'm sorry'? It was stupid. There were just so many things I wanted to do and I thought that I wouldn't be able to if we were together. I was scared...I..." Grace's voice took on a pleading note which she despised, but couldn't avoid. "It doesn't matter now. We can be happy again. Please, just forgive and forget."
"I've already forgiven you Grace. That's not the problem."
Grace watched as Luke reached into his jacket pocket and pulled something out. Reaching out with his other hand, he took her hand and dropped the objects into it. Opening her palm, Grace saw two rings.
"I've waited four years to give you those. I had originally planned to give them to you before I went away to MIT, but we both know why that didn't happen." Luke's face was a mask of pain and regret, but he continued. "They were supposed to be symbol of our bond, of how our love could endure anything..."
Grace looked at the rings in her hand, her heart filling with awe at their meaning, as well as their simple beauty. She longed to slip one on her finger, to declare to him that they could still hold that meaning.
"...and it did. I've loved you, whether I could admit it to myself or not, for the last four years." Luke stopped, seemingly unable to continue.
"I've loved you too." Grace told him fiercely, grabbing his hand. "I didn't realize until recently just what I'd lost, but I know now, and I want it back! We can be together again Luke." she looked into his, eyes, willing him to believe her, "I love you."
Luke looked at her for a long moment before speaking. "You left me Grace. We loved each other, needed each other, and still you left me." his voice became bitter, expressing the bottled pain of four long years. "You say that you still love me, that you want us to be together again; for how long? How long will it be before you run off for another adventure or decide that you want something else?"
Grace stood stunned, unable to answer his questions, unable to even meet his eyes.
"You left me once Grace and it destroyed me. I can't go through that again."
"So you're going to shut everything out?" cried Grace, not believing that this second chance was passing them by, "Forget love, forget happiness, you're just going to stick to being cold, indifferent and lonely?"
Luke stared at her with an expression of pained resignation. "I can't give that up Grace," he said quietly, "It's all I have left."
Turning away from her, Luke made his way towards the exit, needing to escape the reception, escape the building, escape her.
"I love you Luke!" Grace called, "I love you!"
Stopping at the door, Luke looked back at her and spoke three words that echoed across four years, back to her porch and that long-ago summer night. Words, she herself had spoken.
"It isn't enough."
Luke pushed open the door and made his way into the cold night. Left alone in the empty foyer, Grace tried to understand what had just happened. In her palm she held the rings he had given her. Once they had been meant to bind them together, now they were only a reminder of everything she had lost. Closing her fist tightly around them, Grace squeezed until the rings made painful indentations into her skin. She didn't care.
"Pain," she thought to herself, "that's all that I have left." With that thought, the floodgates finally broke and Grace began to sob.
TBC
A/N: Pretty damn melodramatic eh? Lots of people suggested that Luke should give Grace the titanium rings, but I'm pretty sure that this wasn't what they had in mind. Call it willful misinterpretation. I know many of you thought it was going to be resolved here and would now be very angry if I left it. So, stick with me for one more chapter and I'll make it better, I promise.
