Part V

Chapter 1

Jack stopped breathing as his heart gave out. The doctors started CPR while they gave him IVs of the medicines that sometimes could start the beating again. There was no response.

As more time passed the team was increasingly cognizant that brain damage, irreparable damage, would happen if oxygen was cut off for more than three minutes. They rushed to do everything possible to save their patient, but nothing was working. They shocked him with the machine, once, twice, three times, but there was no effect. On the fourth try the monitors showed the heart twitch. There was an electrical impulse. There was a spark of life.

They continued their efforts. More medicine was administered along with more electric shocks. They watched as the heart monitor again showed the organ beating, erratic at first, then a rhythm, far from normal, but at least something. Maybe they could bring him back.

The respirator continued to breathe for him, forcing air in and out of Jack's lungs, relieving some of the strain on his heart. Oxygen was again flowing through his brain. Fewer than three minutes had passed. Jack Bauer had once again dodged the ultimate bullet.

Chapter 2

Again through the medicine-induced fog his mind went to reaches beyond his control. He was almost four again, and his parents were waiting for his baby brother or sister to be born.

Jack had wanted to know why his mother was getting fat. With the total lack of guile and tact of a child he posed this question to her, and had been rewarded by a laugh from both of his parents. "Mommy's not getting fat, Jack," his dad replied, chuckling. "You're going to be a big brother!"

Jack knew that somehow this was supposed to make him happy, but he still didn't understand why that should be making his mother get fat. He told his parents this and they smiled again, but realized that Jack had to be taken seriously.

"There's a baby growing in here, Jack," his mother told him. "Do you want to feel it?"

Jack was frightened at the thought. A baby? Growing inside? He didn't want a baby to grow inside him.

He didn't answer, and his parents watched the emotions play on his face. "Don't you want to feel the baby, Son?" his dad asked. "It's nothing to be afraid of."

Jack didn't answer. He walked over to where his mother was sitting, and let her guide his hand to her expanding belly. He felt something move, and it only increased his fear.

His parents were puzzled by his silence. "What's wrong, Jack?" his father asked. "Don't you want to be a big brother?"

Jack still didn't talk, and his parents saw the terror on his face. "Jack, what is it?" his mother asked. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want a baby inside me, Mommy!" he cried.

"Oh, Jack," his mom said, smiling but managing not to laugh. "That won't happen. Only women can have babies grow. It can't happen to men. And it's something wonderful, Jack. You grew inside me, you know. And it was an unbelievable feeling."

Jack was stunned. He hadn't known that. He hadn't known where babies came from, hadn't thought to ask. It hadn't mattered to him before. And he didn't see why his parents wanted to have another baby. What was wrong with him? Wasn't he enough?

Jack burst into tears, and his mother wrapped him in her arms. "Oh, Sweetheart, we love you more than anything in the world. As much as anyone can be loved," she said, guessing at the cause. "And nothing will ever change that. We'll always love you just as much. The baby won't change that."

He didn't understand. If they loved him so much they wouldn't have any love left for the new baby. And why would they want another baby if they wouldn't have love left for it? Unless they didn't love him as much as they said.

The tears wouldn't stop. Jack's father scooped him onto his lap and kissed his blonde head. "Son, I know you don't understand. There's no limit to love. We can love you as much as anything, and we'll love the baby just as much. I know this is hard to understand. But we'll never love you any less."

Jack's crying stopped, but not his confusion. He was still very hurt, both by the feeling that he had disappointed his parents somehow so that they wanted someone besides him, and because they would love that baby, too, and that meant they wouldn't love him as much. When his mother said it was bedtime Jack went without protest, which caused his parents to look at each other with concern. Jack always asked to stay up later; this was the first night he had wordlessly gone to bed.

As his mother followed Jack to his room she thought of what else she could say to reassure her son. He was clearly troubled and she was upset by it. She loved Jack more than anything, as she had told him, and she didn't know how to convince him. He'd always been secure in his parents' love, and his reaction to the coming of a sibling seemed to be far more upsetting to him than his parents had anticipated. They knew that it was normal for older children to resent the arrival of younger ones, especially for an only child to do so, but Jack seemed to be taking it harder than they had thought he would. They didn't know that he felt that he wasn't enough for them.

As she helped Jack get into his dinosaur pajamas and brush his teeth his mother saw the look of abject misery on his face, and her heart broke. Her baby, her little boy, was in pain, and not the type she could kiss and make 'all better.' She was at a loss to understand the depth of his feelings, so she couldn't assuage his fears.

After his mother kissed him good night his father came in and sat next to him. His son looked so small in the bed surrounded by toy trucks. "Jack," he said, "don't forget what I said. Nothing will ever make us love you any less. Nothing. Not this baby, not anything. Don't forget that, Son."

"G'night, Dad," Jack said, sounding sleepy, although he wasn't. He just wanted his dad to leave. He didn't want to be with anyone. He wanted to cry.

Chapter 3

Jack was very quiet in the many weeks that followed. He wanted to be alone but he clung to his mother, wanting her all to himself, but knowing that soon she wouldn't be. He fought going to nursery school, and resisted her efforts to help him dress each morning. Until then he had participated in choosing his clothes for the next day, but that stopped. He refused to resume tying the laces of his sneakers, which he had proudly mastered months before.

He still played with his blocks and his Legos, but he was noticeably less enthusiastic about constructing buildings, not showing the same imagination or determination. And he pulled away when she tried to cuddle with him while he watched Sesame Street, although more than anything he wanted his mother to pull him on her lap and hug him. She looked at her beautiful boy with the blue eyes and blonde hair and her heart broke. Nothing penetrated his misery. The nursery school told Janet that Jack, whose increasing reluctance to go made him seem even more withdrawn, wasn't interacting as much with the other children. His parents grew more concerned.

His father took him to work with him on Saturdays, which Jack had always loved, but even they he remained quiet. His usual delight at the salutes the other soldiers made was gone. Mark watched his little boy, dressed in overalls with dinosaur sneakers, sit on the floor next to his desk and bend over a coloring book of trucks, but he saw that Jack wasn't even holding a crayon.

Nothing he nor Janet tried penetrated his look of total misery. Toys didn't break through his fugue. Nothing worked.

They consulted a psychologist who met with Jack, and in their sessions he used a doll to try to get Jack to open up about his feelings about the soon-to-arrive baby. Jack wouldn't talk to the doctor, though. He didn't want to talk to anyone.

As the baby's arrival became imminent the Bauers became increasingly frustrated and worried. They didn't know how to reassure Jack, who was becoming even more visibly distraught. They arranged for him to play more with his friends, especially with classmates who had younger brothers or sisters, to show him that all of the children in a family could be loved, but this made no impression on him. He couldn't, wouldn't be comforted.

The time for the baby to be born approached, and Jack's mom went to the doctor for more frequent check-ups. Jack went with her, and the doctor showed the baby to Jack on the sonogram. Jack wasn't interested. It was going to push him aside and take his parents' love from him. He hated the baby. He hoped it would never come.

Jack was awakened one night when his father came into his room to tell him that he and his mother were going to the hospital because the baby was about to be born. He said that their neighbor, Mrs. Jackson, would stay with Jack. Jack was upset; he wanted to go with his parents, but his father said they didn't permit children to go to the hospital. Jack knew that wasn't true. His friend Tommy had gone to the hospital when they took his tonsils out, so obviously they let kids go to the hospital. They don't care, he thought. They just don't want me anymore. And the stupid thing hasn't even been born yet.

Jack didn't want to go back to sleep so he and Mrs. Jackson sat in the living room. Jack wanted to watch TV, but there was nothing on at 2 in the morning, so despite himself he fell asleep. He only awoke when Mrs. Jackson told him it was time to get up for nursery school.

Jack refused to go. He wanted to wait for news that the baby had been born. He wanted to see it. He wanted to see what was taking his place.

Mrs. Jackson said that his parents insisted that he go to school, and that only made Jack angrier. They don't want me around, he thought. He refused to get into the clothes his mother had taken out for him the night before. He was determined to make things as hard as possible. Mrs. Jackson realized how upset Jack was, so she thought she'd let him decide for himself what to wear so he could feel that he had some control over the situation. But when he demanded to wear a bathing suit and his pool shoes she almost gave up in frustration. Reasoning with him, telling him that it was only February, that he had to wear regular clothes, was useless. She was one of the first to experience Jack's total stubbornness. But when he saw how upset she was getting he relented and finally agreed to dress, but not without d tears. After she put on his jacket and handed him the lunch his mom had prepared the night before she put him on the bus. Poor kid, she thought as he left for school. Janet and Mark are going to have their hands full.

Jack had a terrible day at nursery school. He and another boy got into a fight about the building blocks, a fight that Jack had started, and he was given a 'time out' and sent to the corner until he calmed down. Until Jack had learned about the baby he had never needed to be disciplined at the school. He'd certainly never been in a fight. As he sat there facing the wall with tears streaming down his face he felt angrier than he'd ever felt. No one cares, he thought. All anyone cares about is the stupid baby.

After a few minutes Jack was told he could re-join the other kids, who were sitting on the floor in a semi-circle to listen to a story one of the mothers was reading. The mothers took turns coming to the class, doing different things with the children. Several times earlier in the school year his mom had come to school and made brownies with the kids. They loved them, and for a few days afterwards Jack was the most popular kid in the class. But his mom hadn't come much since. He realized it was all because of the stupid baby growing inside her belly.

Just before lunch Mark Bauer came to the classroom. He watched Jack for a moment, silently sitting by himself despite the chatter of the other kids around him. He walked over to his son.

"Jack," he said. "You have a little sister."

Jack looked at his dad. He knew he was supposed to be happy, but he didn't feel that way. He was more miserable than ever. He didn't say anything.

"Why don't we go to the hospital, Son? You can see your mom, and the baby. Mommy's fine, by the way, and she wants to see you. So let's go."

Without a word Jack walked with his father to the hook where his jacket hung, not caring that he was breaking the rule by not putting his toy back on the shelf. Big deal, he thought. No one cares what I do anyway.

Mark sighed as he helped his son into his jacket. This poor kid, he thought. How do I get through to him? He's miserable, and I don't want him to hate the baby.

As they got into the Jeep to go to the hospital Jack didn't smile as he usually did when he got to ride around the base with his father. Nothing could cheer him up that day. Besides, he thought, Daddy said they don't let kids go to the hospital. So why are they letting me go now? He lied to me. He's lying about everything. They don't love me anymore.

Jack didn't even want to press the button in the elevator for the ride to the maternity floor. He looked as unhappy as a kid could look.

"Let's go see Mommy first," Mark said to Jack. "She can't wait to see you."

As they headed towards Janet's room the nurse stopped them. "I'm sorry, he can't go in now," she said, indicating Jack. "Your wife is nursing, and children can't be with the babies. He'll have to wait until the baby goes back to the nursery."

Mark saw the misery on Jack's face and felt helpless to alleviate it. "I'm sorry, Jack. We'll have to wait. Why don't we go downstairs and get some ice cream?"

"No, Daddy. I don't want any."

Jack had never before turned down ice cream, and Mark was at a loss as to what else to do. He wanted to comfort his son, but he couldn't think how.

"Jack, come here," he said, holding out his arms. "Let's talk, Son."

Jack went to his father, wanting very much to be held. He knew the baby would be.

"Daddy," he said through tears, "why amn't I enough? Why do you need another kid?"

"Oh, my God, Jack!" his father said, hugging him tighter. "Is that what this is all about? You think we're having another baby because we're not happy with you?"

Jack nodded, tears flowing, too miserable to talk.

"Oh, Jack, that's not so. Oh, Sweetheart, we want another baby because we love you so much! I know that doesn't make sense. Let me try to explain."

"You're so wonderful," he continued, hugging Jack and kissing him. "We love you, we're so glad to have you, that we know that another baby will be a joy for us, too. Not another child like you, there'll never be anyone like you. We're not having a baby because you're not wonderful, Son. It's because you are so wonderful. That still doesn't make sense, I know, but I don't know how else to explain it to you."

Jack felt his father's arms tighten around him, and for the first time since he'd been told about the baby he started to feel safe. "D'you mean you and Mommy still love me?" he asked between sniffles.

"Jack, we love you more than anything. We always will. We'll love the baby just as much, but not more than we love you. And because we love her doesn't mean we'll love you any less. The baby just means we'll feel more love, Jack. A mommy and daddy can love every child as much as anything, and that doesn't mean they love any one child any less. Do you think you understand now?"

Jack nodded. He didn't really understand, but he knew he felt better somehow. His father had said they weren't unhappy with him. They still loved him, and they wouldn't love the baby more. That was all that mattered. He had always trusted his parents. So if they said they would still love him he believed them. But he still wasn't sure about having a little sister.

Mark looked at his son, still enfolded in his arms. "Now, how about that ice cream?"

Chapter 4

Jack was finally able to open his eyes. He had been able to hear the murmured conversations in the ICU for some time, but had lacked the strength even to look at anything. The nurse saw his eyelids flutter and called the doctor over.

"Well, Jack," Dr. Garfein said, "welcome back. We thought we lost you. We did, for a few minutes there. You have pneumonia, and that put enough of a strain on your heart that it caused it to fail for awhile. That's why we intubated you and put you on a respirator. It's breathing for you so your heart doesn't have to work so hard and your lungs can expand more fully. That's good for fighting the pneumonia. So don't try to talk until we take the tube out, and that won't be for at least a few days. When you're stronger we'll give you a pen and paper, but not yet. Now you need complete rest."

Jack was too weak to protest, even if he could have spoken. His eyes closed again and he once more fell into a deep sleep.

Chapter 5

His memory of the day Carol had come home from the hospital was fuzzy. He had seen his little sister in the hospital twice, and had even been able to hold her, with his dad's help, of course, and he had to admit that she was cute. She's really little, he thought to himself. And she cries a lot. He hadn't known that babies cried so much. He was a big boy, and big boys didn't cry. He didn't know how he knew that. His dad had never told him that, but he knew it just the same. And now with a baby sister he was really a big boy.

He was glad his mommy was coming home. Mark had painted the extra bedroom pale pink, and that was where Jack helped his daddy put the crib together. Jack was glad he wouldn't have to share his room with the baby. He also helped Mark set up the changing table and wash down the rocking chair. Jack liked the chair, which his father told him he had used to rock Jack in while he read him a story before bedtime. Mark told him he would move the chair back into Jack's room, and that he would be glad to read him stories in the rocker any time he wanted. Jack liked that idea. The baby wouldn't have everything that was his.

Jack was next door with the Jacksons when he saw his daddy pull into the driveway. He ran out to see his dad help his mom, who was holding the baby, get out of the car. He ran ahead to open the door for them, and he followed his parents up the stairs as they took off Carol's tiny sweater and hat and put her in the crib. Jack saw that she was sleeping, and he was glad. He could have his mother to himself, at least for awhile.

Jack and Mark followed Janet into her bedroom, where she quickly unpacked her small suitcase. Underneath her robe was a box wrapped in gift paper. "This is for you, Jack," she said, holding it out to him.

"Gee, Mommy," Jack said, surprised and happy. "What is it? Who's it from?"

"Open it, Jack," his dad said.

Jack tore off the paper and was thrilled to see a toy oil tanker. Trucks were his favorite toys. "Thanks, Mommy. Thanks, Daddy. It's great!"

"It's not from us, Sweetheart," his mother told him. "It's from Carol."

"What?" he asked in confusion. "Carol got this for me? But how? She's too little!"

"That doesn't matter, Jack. It's a present from her. She wants you to know how happy she is that you're her brother."

"Can I play with it now?" Jack asked "I want to show it to Tommy." Tommy Murphy was Jack's best friend, and he lived down the street. "Can I? Will you walk me over, Daddy?"

"Sure, Son," Mark replied. "We'll go now. I want Mommy to get some rest while Carol's sleeping. She'll probably be up pretty soon, so it'll be good if we men are out of the house for a while."

Jack was thrilled. His daddy had never referred to him as a man before. He felt really grown up. He'd been right, he decided. Maybe it wasn't so bad to have a little sister.

Jack still had that toy truck. Wherever he'd gone, wherever he'd lived, that little tanker truck was on his bookcase, right next to a picture of Carol.