Why Elrond Is Not The Extremely Annoying 'Popstar' Whose Initials Are B.S.

Lorraine looked at the stage where Elrond had just finished his little dance thing. She tapped the tabletop impatiently as she waited for her fiancé to turned up and watch the rest of the show with her.

"Ah, Lorraine," came a voice somewhere behind her, "there you are!"

Lorraine's head snapped around at that voice, accidentally shattering her martini glass on the floor. That sounds so familiar…

"Hey, honey," said BS as she slid into the seat next to Lorraine, plating a kiss on her forehead, "miss me?"

Lorraine was shocked. "Erm… Elrond, you seemed to have developed, uh… rather large attributes," she said, looking pointedly at BS's chest, "and your face… it's looks like… EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Upon finally realising just *who* had sat down next to her, Lorraine jumped up and pointed a finger up at the sky. "YOU!" she yelled, "you evil little fic writer you! How dare you!"

*Eep, sorry, I didn't mean to…*

"Didn't mean to?" Lorraine was not happy, "You lured me here on false pretence! You said that Elrond was going to be here! Instead Elrond's turned into that damned BS!"

*Heh… Lorraine, I can explain… see… oh, can't you just sacrifice yourself for art?*

"No! Elrond and I are getting married the day after tomorrow, I'm can't exchange my vows with her if you don't turn him back!"

*But… I can't turn him back! Don't you see, Lorraine? Elrond is BS…*

There was a 'thud' sound as Lorraine fainted dead away on the floor.

~~~

'Who is this extremely annoying popstar?' Some readers may ask. I will not name her, in fear of her hunting me down and suing me for millions of dollars, but one thing is obvious: she is not Elrond, and nor is Elrond her.

Why, you ask? Why is Elrond not she? The answer is simple, of course, but for the benefit of my readers who do not have the knowledge themselves to prove that Elrond is not B.S; I will prove to you that Elrond is indeed not she.

If I recall correctly, the last time I saw Elrond, he was in the form of a human male, bar the non-pointy ears and the mortality, and he didn't have certain parts of the human female anatomy like this B.S did (and still does).

As fond of music as Elrond may be, I cannot picture him pursuing a career in singing/song writing. The singing is reserved to Tom Bombadil while the song writing is reserved to Bilbo. Also cannot imagine Elrond singing songs such as 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' or 'Oops I Did It Again'.

Oops I Did It Again, An Elf's Tale, by Elrond

Oops I did it again,

I played with the Ring,

Got lost in this game,

Oh Frodo Frodo,

Oops I think I'm in trouble…

I'm not sent from aboooooooove,

I'm not that innocent!

Yes, very nice, Elrond… now give the Ring back to Frodo, and slowly raise your hands over your head…

As hard as he might try, Elrond will not get a part in the movie Crossroads, and especially not as Lucy.

Elrond has dark hair, BS does not (or, rather, I think she used to, but not anymore); Elrond is a half elven, BS is not (thank GOD she can't live forever); Elrond lives is Rivendell, BS does not; Elrond is the father of three elves, and is the adoptive father of a man who lives to 210, BS is not; Elrond is loved, BS is not.

Elrond did not have a boyfriend whose initials were J.T; he is not the idol of thousands of pre-teenage girls everywhere; and most importantly, Elrond does not have horrible fashion sense. He will wear a tasteful robe to whatever event he'd be attending, and his hair will always remain perfect (not sure about the tiara, but the look suits him).

Being the Lord of Rivendell, with magical powers, Elrond would be a lot handier to have around the house than BS:

~

"Darling? The flower needs watering… could you do that commanding the river thing you did with Gandalf?" Celebrían called to her husband as she looked out to the garden.

"Sure, sweetheart…Nîn o Chithaeglir lasto beth daer; rimmo nín Bruinen dan in Ulaer*!" As soon as those words left Elrond's mouth, Celebrían heard a rushing sound as the water of Hithaeglir flooded their back garden, washing away the scarecrow that was shaped like a Ringwraith.

"Thanks, honey… oh and while you're at it, could you conjure up a new scarecrow?"

~

Very useful indeed…

With these rather convincing arguments, I am sure that you now have no doubt as to why Elrond is not the extremely annoying 'popstar' whose initials are BS.

* 'Nîn o Chithaeglir lasto beth daer; rimmo nín Bruinen dan in Ulaer' is what Arwen says in the movie to conjure up that big wave that washed away the Ringwraith… pretty handy spell ^-^

~End

Disclaimer: Still own nothing… though I would love to have the scarecrow *begs Celebrían for the scarecrow*

A/N: *Imagines Elrond wearing a little slinky dress and singing 'Stronger'* Lol… anyway… Coming soon: why Boromir is not an empty beer bottle.