Why Boromir Is Not An Empty Beer Bottle

NB: here we talk about Boromir as if he were alive… (Why did he have to die? why?)

Sasha looked at her plaything fondly. It was Boromir, the brave one who protected the Ring for Frodo from Orcs. Her sisters had lied to her and told her that Boromir was the one who tried to take the Ring, but she wouldn't listen; her sisters were lying, cheating scums, and they would never understand her love for Boromir, nor would they realise that Aragorn was the one who had tried to take the Ring, and Boromir tried to prevent it. Her sisters said she was in denial when she screamed and yelled at them and told them that Boromir was not dead, but she knew better; Boromir may not have his human body anymore, but he was forever immortalised by her. Yes, Sasha, not Marcia, or Cindy, her sisters, but Sasha.

All Boromir needs now is hair, she decided, and grabbed the Barbie lying closest to her and cut off its mane of brown hair, and stuck it onto the monument.

'Perfect,' Sasha smiled. It was hard work, but she got through. Now Boromir can forever be beside her bed, always there when she sleeps.

Sasha giggled and turned off her lamp, soon drifting into Boromir filled dreams.

 As she slept, her sisters opened her bedroom door a crack and peeked in.

'Is she asleep?' Marcia asked, her voice no more than a whisper.

'Yeah, I think so. Man, her reaction was not good. I never knew she liked Boromir that much. All that screaming and crying? Scary stuff.' Cindy replied, thinking of the incident in the living room just over and hour ago, when the whole family was settling down to watch the FotR DVD. Sasha had reacted badly at Boromir's death, and had put a foot through the TV then while screaming obscenities at PJ she ran all the way up to her bedroom and had refused to come out.

Marcia nodded her agreement, 'you think she's over it now?'

'Must be, she looks really peacef- hang on a moment… what's that on her desk?'

The two girls tiptoed over to Sasha's desk, careful not to wake her. Sitting proudly upright, was an empty beer bottle Sasha must have sneaked in earlier, but it had undergone a transformation; it had a brown wig, with a little smiley face, and where the label used to be there was a nametag, which said simply 'Boromir'.

Marcia and Cindy looked at each other then looked at Sasha. She was smiling sweetly in her dreams, all the while muttering the name of her love.

'Boromir.'

~~~

Boromir is NOT an empty beer bottle! No, I don't care if the jade monkey from the moon says so, he is NOT an empty beer bottle, and I, ZenZen, messenger of the future; leader of the alien attacks of the fatty cells on Earth; leader of the terrifying Mutant Coconut troops, have the data to prove to you, once and for all, that Boromir is NOT an empty beer bottle.

Point one. Boromir cannot be an empty beer bottle because he is not empty. His body contain many fluids, such as water, blood, and other unnamely substances. The empty beer bottle does not. That's why they call it the EMPTY beer bottle… see my logic, no?

Point two. The beer bottle has been drained of the one thing people buy it for. Beer. Therefore it is trash, and will be treated as trash. Boromir, on the other hand, is not trash, and if he is treated like trash, has a sword in his hand… bye bye skewered head!

Point three. Boromir got attacked by orcs, the empty beer bottle didn't. Case closed.

Point four. Boromir does not resemble an empty beer bottle in any way. Don't give me that look… no, I don't care that the beer bottle has a little wig and you've drawn a little smiley face on it…

Point five. The empty beer bottle reeks of beer. Unless Boromir wants to be killed by his wife when he goes home at night, he will probably not reek of beer.

These points may prove this lecture to be a little dull and tedious, but I am sure the following example will open your eyes to the world of fascinating arguments…

*Frodo felt eyes on his back. The hair on the nape of his neck prickled; his heart thudded in his chest; the Ring was warm against his skin.

"Who's there?" he cried, closing his palm over the Ring protectively. No one answered.

"Who's there?" Frodo repeated. He was sure he had heard someone behind him, his or her greedy eyes upon the Ring…

Frodo looked down, and saw Boromir, just standing there, gazing at him and –of this Frodo was sure- the Ring.

Frodo stumbled backwards. "You! What were you doing, sneaking up on me?"

Boromir said nothing, but his gaze was fixed upon the Ring.

"You cannot have it, you greedy man!" Frodo tried to run away, but tripped over his foot; he tried to put the Ring on and escape, but as he fumbled for it, he sensed Boromir behind him…

Frodo let out a mighty cry and kicked back abruptly. Boromir didn't even make any sound as he was kicked off the hilltop. There was a crack, and then all was silent.

The Hobbit breathed in and out several times to calm his nerves. Then he peered over the edge carefully.

There, were the remains of Boromir, his beer bottle body smashed into a million pieces. Frodo felt nauseated. He also felt pity for his former companion: was this the end of the man from Gondor?

Apparently it was.*

…Very graphic…

So, now after these rather convincing points, I am sure that you will have realised that the jade monkey from the moon is wrong, for Boromir is not an empty beer bottle.

~End

Disclaimer: I own nothing at all. I wish I owned the one Ring though… *hint*

A/N: MWAHA! Insanity is a good thing… join my insanity club! Expect 'why Gandalf is not the Superglue of DOOM' soon!