Why Pippin Is Not Indigestion
"Today, we are to be studying the Pippin bacterium and its effects on the human body," the professor announced, looking down at the 20 or so students sitting at their seats, listening attentively.
"Pippin, as you all know, and probably might have experienced-" Collective groan. The professor took that as a yes and continued, "is the bacterium that causes conjunction in the small intestines and will result in discomfort and maybe pain."
The professor cleared his throat and put a video into the VCR. "We will now be watching a documentary on the Pippin bacterium."
On the TV appeared a peaceful village. Little round doors decorated the hillside, and children danced merrily. The students let out a collective 'aw'.
Then, the peaceful scene was disturbed by rough shakings of the ground. The children all screamed and ran back into their homes and looked out the window in terror. From the end of the road emerged a dancing Hobbit, destroying everything as he reached it…
The professor stopped the tape to a room of silent students, some of which were on the brink of tears. "This," he said after a heavy sigh, "is the destructive power of Pippin."
(A/N: Okay, I do realise that indigestion doesn't actually do that…)
~~~
Yes, the much anticipated episode of 'Why They Are Not', when you, the luckiest people in the world, get to know why Pippin is not indigestion.
I am tempted to say, "indigestion is bad, Pippin is good" and end this debate here, but I will be responsible and explain this little by little.
I have a definition of indigestion right besides me. From the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary, indigestion is "pain caused by difficulty in digesting food". Even though there may not be a definition of 'Pippin' in the same dictionary, I am pretty sure that he would not be "pain caused by difficulty in digesting food".
Many of my readers have also helped me out by defining 'indigestion' and 'Pippin'. While most readers describe Pippin as cute and hungry, indigestion is certainly not.
Pippin does not cause pain to a specific person, as indigestion does. I cannot imagine somebody having 'Pippin' and stomach cramps, although it might have been likely, if you were Pippin's mother, and you were pregnant with him. Here I am assuming that you are not Pippin's mother, so, Pippin is not indigestion.
Pippin is a Hobbit. He has hair and teeth. He can eat, sleep, talk and do other unnamely things. He will have the right to vote if he had lived in a democratic country. He generally looked like a human, if you didn't mind the height.
Indigestion, however, is none of these things. It is not a Hobbit; it does not have hair nor teeth; it cannot eat, sleep, talk or do other unnamely things; it will not have the right to vote in a democratic country. In fact, no one knows what it looks like, but we can be sure it does not take human form.
Indigestion's sole purpose in life is to cause pain. Pippin's sole purpose in life is hardly that. If truth be told, we are not sure if Pippin does have a sole purpose in life, he was just made to sit there and look pretty in the movie (though Legolas will always be the prettiest).
Pippin may not be the smartest member of the fellowship, ("Anyway...you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission……quest……thing……", FotR) but he does have some brains, prior to common belief. He may be "a fool of a Took", but he is still rather cute and loyal.
Indigestion is a strange folk indeed. It has no brain of its own, it is not cute, and definitely not loyal, yet it manages to survive through centuries of trying to get rid of it by changing diets and consuming drugs, etc. One could even say that indigestion is quite stubborn. Pippin, from what we see of him in the book and movie, is not very stubborn at all. He was acting stubborn when he wanted to join the fellowship, but that was a side effect of loyalty.
I hope the scene below will convince you further that Pippin is not indigestion, or vice versa.
~Renee had a stomachache. She was just having a bad day in general. First she lost her wallet, and then she banged her head on a pole, and now this. It must have been the mouldy cheese at dinner, she was sure of that. Really, her mum should get glasses; she couldn't tell a dog from a vampire bat.
The poor girl had been to the doctors to see what was wrong. The doctor had (rather sympathetically) shown Renee a short clip about the Pippin bacterium. It was a little finger-sized guy, dancing like there was no tomorrow. The doctor said that he couldn't do much for Renee, and she'd have to let Pippin dance himself out of her system.
So Renee lent forward in her seat to try and ease the pain. 'Goddamit,' she said to herself, 'I just really hate having Pippin. Stupid Pippin.' ~
I have also come up with a second scene to show you the hilarity of the situation, if indigestion were to take Pippin's place.
~Indigestion floated in mid air aimlessly. It was hungry, very hungry. In fact even though it has had seven potatoes and twelve carrots, it was still hungry.
Sam plopped down next to Indigestion and burped. He sighed happily and laid down on his back, looking up at the sky.
'I miss Mr Frodo,' Sam said to Indigestion, 'I wish he'd stayed.'
Indigestion grunted its agreement and floated in mid air aimlessly, enjoying the peaceful life in the Shire.~
In conclusion, even though indigestion has its fair share of human/hobbit/elf character traits, we can be sure that Pippin will not pop into our stomachs and cause pain any time soon.
~End
Disclaimer: I don't own Pippin or LotR, and I don't want to own indigestion… you can have it! *Piles indigestion in a heap on the floor*
A/N: yes, I know that wasn't as good as the rest… please don't hurt me I promise I'll write another one that's bigger and badder than any one you have ever seen before! It shall be named "why Gimli is not the Mistress of the POKE".
