Why Gimli Is Not The Mistress Of The POKE

The fellowship was very scared. Actually, it wasn't only the fellowship. Gimli the Dwarf Master was acting strangely; indeed, as he rode on the back of a horse with Legolas, his fair companion, he has not shut up once, and was always shouting something that sounded completely bizarre to the rest of the world.

'Wheeee! I'm riding on a horse behind Legolas! Wheeee! Jenn is gonna be sooooo jealous when I get back!'

Thèoden looked back worriedly. 'Is he quite all right?' the King asked Aragorn.

Aragorn also looked bewildered. 'He is behaving strangely, but alas, that may be the way of Dwarves. I do not wish to nose.'

Gandalf was most puzzled of all. 'Way of Dwarves, indeed.' He muttered, 'there is some higher power about. One who is powerful, and who is very, very angry at this moment.'

---

A crowd of fic writers gathered around the computer and watched the screen intently.

'What do we do now? How are we supposed to get Kathy back if ZenZen wrote her into Middle Earth? It'll have to be as inconspicuous as possible.'

The one named ZenZen scowled, the corners of her eyes twitching as she followed the words across the screen. 'Riding with Legolas, eh?' she glared at her friend –correction, former friend- who was galloping away into the sunset with her favourite elf, 'posing as Gimli and riding with Legolas, eh?'

As all eyes turned to her, ZenZen spoke up with a slightly hysterical voice. 'Would, erm, the death of "Gimli" be inconspicuous enough for you?'

~~~

If you think that Gimli is a 15 year old high school girl with the very annoying habit of poking people in the flab, then you need not read any more, because I am proving that Gimli is indeed not a 15 year old high school girl with the very annoying habit of poking people in the flab.

Gimli the dwarf master, the son of Gloin, the Lord of The Glittering Caves is by no means 15. Usually, boys will have hit puberty by age 15, but I am quite sure that none of them will have grown such a long and fine beard that Gimli have managed to grow. And besides, the Mistress of The POKE (MOTP) is not a guy (at least, I don't think she is…o.O) and therefore will not grow a long fine red beard.

Being the MOTP, her main weapon is her finger, which she uses to pokes people with. Gimli's main weapon is an axe, which he uses to hack orcs with. Certainly they are both weapons, but they do not have the same properties, and poking people and hacking orcs are two completely different things. For example,

="Grr, I hate Brownlie-Smith," Jenn muttered through gritted teeth to her friend sitting next to her, "stupid Japanese teacher."

Her friend nodded and stroked his long beard lovingly, then went back to polishing his axe. "Poke," he said happily, and hacked his friend into little pieces.=

Very likely, I'm sure. Another example,

=Kathy gasped as she struggled to keep up with the fast paces of Aragorn and Legolas. "Wait… for…me, you two…"

Legolas paused and turned around with a frown on his face, "you must keep up, Mistress, there are perhaps a hundred Orcs on out trail. If we slow, we will be slain."

The Mistress of The POKE tried to run faster, holding a stitch in her side. Suddenly she just collapsed on the ground, her legs not strong enough to hold her upright.

Aragorn stopped and turned back. "Hold onto my shoulders," he ordered, "we must hurry; we are heavily outnumbered."

The blond obeyed quite eagerly, happy at the chance of getting a piggyback ride from the heir of Elendil.

The trio ran on for a few minutes, when they reached some shady trees. "We can climb these trees and keep out of sight until these Orcs pass us by," Legolas suggested.

Aragorn nodded his agreement and put the Mistress on the ground. He took a running jump and grabbed hold of a branch, and lifted himself up. Legolas, however, just stretched his arm up and grabbed a hold of the branch and swung himself upon the branch. "Here," he offered a hand to Kathy, who gladly took it.

The Elven Prince hoisted the Mistress up just in time to see a herd of Orcs pass by the tree, shouting profanities at each other.

"Phew," Kathy wiped at her forehead after all the Orcs have gone, "that was close."

Aragorn nodded, but Legolas frowned.

"What is it, nin mellon?" the ranger asked, jumping down from the tree.

"It does not seem right…" Legolas said in reply, "we have gotten away too easily…"

"Well, these Orc dudes aren't all that smart." Kathy said with a smirk as Aragorn helped lower her down onto the ground.

Legolas's eyes widened as the sound of stampeding wargs reached his ears; Aragorn's lips thinned as he too, heard the sound. The Mistress, however, was still rambling, completely oblivious of what's going on.

"They are coming at us far too fast for us to hide, even if we do, they will pick up our scent." Legolas said to Aragorn, already knowing what he should do.

"We fight." The soon-to-be King of Gondor said simply, drawing his sword.

The Mistress noticed something was wrong, and as she opened her mouth to ask, she heard the sound of wargs screeching.

"Oh. Crap." She said.

Soon enough 10 wargs were upon them. Legolas has already killed 3 with his arrows, but now he had to draw his two short swords.

As Aragorn and Legolas engaged in fierce battle against the wargs, the Mistress had no choice but to stand back and watch. She was sure her weapons weren't of any use; even though it was awfully painful being struck by them, they will not cause anyone any real harm.

Kathy ducked behind the tree trying to avoid being devoured by wargs, and Aragorn will always kill the attacking monster just before it would get her. She hated feeling helpless; she wished that she had a sword, or better yet, a machine gun… that'll finish them off real fast…

"Argh!" Legolas yelled a few feet away as he was knocked to the ground by twin wargs, his two short sword lying just out of reach.

Without thinking, Aragorn launched himself at the two wargs pinning Legolas down, leaving Kathy defenceless to the wrath of a warg, looking at her with an evil gleam in its eyes.

"Um, hi," Kathy said lamely, and ducked as the warg aimed a blow at her head.

"Little help here?" she called out to Aragorn as she dodged around the trees. Aragorn, however, was tied up and could not hear her.

The warg swiped at Kathy, managing to graze her cheek, drawing blood. Encouraged by the scent, the warg roared, showing a row of *pointy* teeth.

"Uh, some breath mints would be nice, but…" forgetting where she was at the moment -so overpowered by the odour that the warg gave off- Kathy treated the warg as nothing but a annoying friend and poked it in the eye.

Surprisingly, the warg let out a huge howl of pain, and limped away, whimpering. This left Kathy just standing there, staring at her hands in disbelief. "Wow…" she said, just a little flustered, "I am getting good at this…"=

Very likely again. JRRT must be turning around in his grave right now, listening to me deface his marvellous works, but, alas, that just proves that Gimli is indeed not the Mistress of The POKE.

~End

A/N: thank you all for your nice reviews! The next chapter will be 'Why Eowyn is not a rubber chicken', which was originally a challenge set by Newmoon. Stick around, read, and most important of all, review! ^-^ Oh, and have fun along the way ^-^

P.S. If you haven't figured by now, I am Jenn (who got hacked into pieces), and Kathy is Mistress of The POKE aka Green Eyed Lily's Daughter, v. good friend and no.1 faithful reviewer… really, this girl is nuts, she has reviewed EVERY single one of my fics… not that it's a bad thing… just saying that y'all should be more like her ^-^