Why Éowyn Is Not A Rubber Chicken
Faramir was very nervous. He was half hoping that the object of his affection will show up soon, but also half hoping that her wouldn't so that he wouldn't have to go through with this nerve racking ordeal.
"Ahem," he cleared his throat and glanced into the mirror just beside him and adjusted his breeches so they sat straight on his body.
"Ahem," he said again, and looked at the speech he had ready in his hands. "My dearest Rubber Chicken," he practiced saying, "I have noticed in the past few months that I have… very strong feelings for you."
Really getting into it, Faramir got down on one knee and took a ring from behind his ear and presented it to the air in front of him. "Rubber Chicken," he continued, "will you marry-"
"Lord Faramir?"
Our hero turned around and gulped. Standing in front of him was the one he loved, her lovely golden rubber feathers cascading down her shoulders, and framing her lovely face. "Rubber Chicken," he whispered to the Shield Chicken of Rohan, "you are beautiful…"
Without further ado, Faramir launched into his speech. "My dearest Rubber Chicken…"
~~~
Maybe there will come a day when Éowyn will mess with some mysterious magic forces and turn herself into a rubber chicken, but as of now it stands, the sister-daughter of Théoden, Shield Maiden of Rohan, is not yet a rubber chicken.
Now you can gasp in shock and terror at my words, but that is just the way it is: Éowyn is not a rubber chicken, and will not become a rubber chicken until long after the third movie. (If it ever happens at all)
You may act stubborn and argue that Éowyn is actually a rubber chicken, but how may that be? I shall present you will the facts…
Physical factors.
Éowyn is somewhat big according to rubber chicken standards. Here we assume that the rubber chicken is around the same size as a normal rubber ducky, maybe a little bigger. Normal rubber duckies are not very big, certainly not when compared with Éowyn.
Under regular circumstances, if an Éowyn sized rubber chicken walks up to you and challenges you to a duel, you will become very scared. Not because it just challenged you to a duel, but because it is a walking, talking, Éowyn sized rubber chicken.
On the other hand, if a rubber chicken sized Éowyn comes up to you and tell you to squeeze it to make it squeak, you will also be very scared. Not because Éowyn just asked you to squeeze her (on second thoughts, maybe that would be scary), but because it is a minute, rubber chicken sized Éowyn.
Éowyn, if I remember correctly, is a woman, thus she will have a rather womanly figure. I am not quite sure what gender is the rubber chicken, but from my observations; the rubber chicken is not a human woman, thus not having a rather human womanly figure.
Mental factors.
The rubber chicken is not made to think. It might be the topic in many jokes and weak attempt at humour, but, like its fellow subjects in jokes, Blonds and Irishmen, it does not have a brain and does not think*.
(*Some exceptions… there are some very smart blonds and very smart Irishmen.)
Éowyn, on the other, does have a brain, even though she is a blond, and she may be the ancestor of some Irishmen.
Since she has a wish to die in battle, we assume that she has a personal opinion on things, and from this we conclude that her brain is used for thinking, unlike the rubber chicken, who does not have a brain, and cannot think.
The Èowyn-Loves-Aragorn-Even-Though-It's-Inconsistent-With-The-Original factor.
In the movie, careful watchers are likely to pick up some… chemistry between Éowyn and Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Even though this factor is inconsistent with the book, we shall still take it into consideration and compare it with a situation in which the rubber chicken will play the part of Éowyn, thus showing you how ridiculous the idea really is, proving to you once and for all that Éowyn is not a rubber chicken.
(Readers start yawning and clicking on links to go to other fics)
No! No! I'll stop rambling and get on with it.
Èowyn: So few! So few of you have returned!
Théoden: Our people are safe. We have paid for it with my many lives.
Gimli: My lady...
Èowyn: Lord Aragorn, where is he?
Gimli: He fell...
Insert Éowyn's crestfallen look here
Now, faithful viewers of the movie would have recognised those lines immediately, and for those who do not replay scenes of the movie over and over again in their heads, I will kindly inform you that this is the scene where Aragorn falls off a cliff, seemingly dead (another inconsistency with the original), and Gimli is just breaking the news to Éowyn (very subtle too, I might add, master of tact, he is). Now I will put the rubber chicken in Éowyn's place.
Rubber Chicken: *Silence* (Rubber chickens can't talk, duh)
Théoden: Our people are safe. We have paid for it with my many lives.
Gimli: My rubber playmate...
rubber chicken: *More silence* (It still can't talk, duh)
Gimli: He fell...
Insert rubber chicken's expressionless face here (It can't move, because it's a rubber chicken, duh)
That would look very interesting in the movie, wouldn't you agree? So, to sum it all up: Éowyn is not a rubber chicken.
~End
Disclaimer: if I didn't own anything at the start of the series, do you think I would own anything now? Of course not! Duh!
A/N: I posted this chapter earlier than expected because I'm expecting Death to come and collect me before next week. Okay, maybe not Death, but a close relative of his, like Brain Death or someone like that. I might not post very soon after this because I've got tests next week, and I might not get time to go on the computer (will be too busy cramming). So, please be patient. While waiting for me to post, why not review? ^_~
