Rijia was humming a little tune as she fixed herself a salad. She would have called her husband to come and enjoy it with her, but he seemed to be playing hide and seek with her, and has not been seen since yesterday, right after he slayed an several Orc armies, saving Gondor yet again from Doom.
Opening the fridge she had imported from her own world, Ri was surprised to find a little onion atop an opened can of beer, which seemed to be only half full.
"Huh, that's weird," the Queen of Gondor muttered, and tossed the onion into her salad, while putting the lid back onto the bottle of alcohol, "but perfect for the salad."
Popping a celery stick into her mouth, Ri returned to the stone counter of the royal kitchen and grabbed a knife, chopping up various pieces of vegetable and dumping them back into the bowl.
Picking up the onion, Ri paused as she thought about how her eyes would water if she cut it up. "Neh," she said to herself, and brought the knife down…
The story will be discontinued until the end of this fic, as I am quite sure that no one is willing to read about their favourite King being chopped up into little pieces and consumed by some crazy woman.
So. Why is Aragorn not an onion?
Onions are edible. Aragorn/s, on the other hand… I am sure that unless one of you is actually Dr Hector Hannibal in disguise, no one would even think of chopping Aragorn up into little pieces and eating him with some stir-fry.
Aragorn may find this a huge loss, but however hard he tries, he will not be able to fit upon someone's palm. Or, if he does, it is probably an action figure of the gruffy Ranger, not the actual fully grown; six feet tall; sword wielding; Orc hacking; Hobbit befriending Aragorn.
Unlike the very much anti-social onion, Aragorn will most likely be a womaniser in times of peace, because seemingly no woman can resist the nonexistent charms of an 80-year-old not-yet-King who is in desperate needs of a makeover. Or a better stylist, whichever one you prefer.
Expanding on the previous point, I am sure that none of you here, Aragorn fan or not, has strange sexual desires to maul the onion in any way. Because, hey, that would just be disturbing…
~~~
"He's mine!"
"No! Get your hands offa him! He's mine!"
"You bitch! He belongs to me!"
"How dare you!"
*Slap* *Kick* *Scratch*
The four women were sitting in a circle, fighting each other. And caught right in the middle? An Onion named Aragorn.
~~~
Being a king, Aragorn has royal blood running through his veins. He is noble, brave, kind, loving, maybe a little old and gruffy, but hey, he has so many other good qualities to make up for it. Gandalf even wrote a little poem about him. All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost etc.
The onion, however noble and brave and kind and loving and old and gruffy it may be, it will not be to such an extent that is even comprisable to Aragorn. And unless Gandalf has too much free time on his hands, he will not be composing a poem for the onion (which might slightly hurt the onion's feelings, but alas, that cannot be helped).
Aragorn has the ability to create and destroy. If he has somehow acquired a multidimensional travelling machine and he has arrived right here on Earth, he will most probably be waving his sword around wildly (culture shock) at people wearing 'strange clothing' and trying to hack the window displays of TVs into little pieces.
The onion, on the other hand, has not the ability to wield swords and/or the ability to acquire a multidimensional travelling machine and/or the ability to wave a sword madly at passing people and inanimate objects. The only thing in common it may have with the King of Gondor is the ability to create and destroy. I.e. the ability to create bad onion breath, and if this is at a very important function, then the bad onion breath may also destroy reputations.
To sum it up in a few words, Aragorn is not an onion.
Now, back to the fate deciding of Fake!Aragorn the onion.
Picking up the onion, Ri paused as she thought about how her eyes would water if she cut it up. "Neh," she said to herself, and brought the knife down…
"I'm a little tea-hic-pot, short and –hic- stout!" Came a little disgruntled voice from the countertop.
Suddenly remembering her husband, Ri gasped and threw the knife down onto the floor. "Aragorn! My love! Are you all right? Answer me!"
The onion hiccupped as a reply.
Ri sighed happily as she picked up the knife and prepared the rest of the salad, carefully avoiding the onion that was her King. Married life. So many ups and downs. But in the end, it comes to only one thing; her love for small, round vegetables.
~End
Disclaimer: Own nothing. Don't particularly want to own Aragorn anyway. But if it was Legolas, on the other hand…
A/N: I admit, the humour is getting a little thin if you do something twice. It's all Ri's fault *points accusingly*. So. Any challenges? I think I'll do the rest of the fellowship (Sam), Galadriel, Gollum and Sauron then stop. But not before another with the Nazguls. No. Nazguls are cool. I is not a Nazgul. I is not having a long black robe, but I is wanting one. And precious. Yessss, my precioussssss…
