Why does it always rain when you're upset? When I woke up this morning, I heard the rain and started to cry. I hate the rain. It's sad, cold and depressing, which is something I really don't need right now. Lately I've felt as if the depression could kick-in any minute. It could have already started without me knowing about it. But perhaps I'm just upset about the events of last night.
Joseph came in for our nightly program and I told him that I didn't want to do it and he started whining and begging and saying, "But we were doing so well…"
Well I had news for him! I said, "Joseph, I don't want to do this anymore."
"But we're doing so well."
"No, you don't understand. The program isn't working anymore."
"Yes it is. We're getting so close to each other now, you just need a little more time."
"No, I don't need more time."
"Yes, that's all you need."
I didn't want to have to tell him this, but I did, "I've been ready for weeks. Well, as ready as I'm ever going to get anyway."
He looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I knew he wanted a rating.
"Five!" I said.
"Five? Wow. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because practically perfect people never permit sentiment to model their thinking."
"What?"
"I didn't think I needed to tell you. You should know me well enough by now to know what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling."
"Not when it comes to something like this."
"Why? How is it different to anything else?"
"I wanted you to make sure that you're absolutely, positively ready."
"I don't think I can get readier than I already am."
"But you wouldn't want to be nervous."
"No matter what, I will always be a bit nervous when it comes to this kind of thing. It's only natural when exploring new feelings, new emotions."
"So the program worked?"
"No."
"No?"
"I didn't think much of it. It was alright to begin with, but it went on for too long."
"So you're saying it was bad idea?"
"I'm just saying that I didn't really enjoy it."
"Alright then, you could have told me sooner and saved all the trouble, but if you didn't feel it was necessary then I understand."
I know he didn't.
"I have some things to do before going to bed," he kissed my forehead, "goodnight."
Okay, there wasn't really any reason to get upset about that apart from his smart-guy attitude. Perhaps it's not that which is making me upset…perhaps I'm…no, I don't want to think about that right now. Stay calm…continue…
The first thing Joseph and I did when we moved in was put a door in between two of the seven bedrooms in our house. We sleep in one room and Joseph has his Den in the other. In it, there is a desk, a chair, a couch, a bed, a bookshelf and a television. He's slept in there twice, because like most couples, we fight. Not big fights where you never want to see the other person again, just little things; sometimes he drinks too much and I get upset because I don't like him drinking excessively, other times he comes home late and won't tell me where he's been. Just small things.
So that's where he spends most of his day doing god knows what and it's also where he slept last night. I don't know why he slept in there. He can't have been upset, because we didn't have a fight. Maybe he just wanted to be away from me…
He's been acting so suspicious these past couple of days. Whenever I go into his den to talk to him or ask him if he's seen my tape recorder (because he'd have a better chance of being able to see it than I would), I always hear what sounds like rustling papers being shoved it into a drawer. If he doesn't want me to see something, then why would he need to hide it in a drawer? He could flash it in front of my face all he likes and I still wouldn't be able to see it. The silly man…
So after the rustling paper, he always says, "Oh, hello dear. I didn't see you there."
And then he adds, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't…" as if saying the word "see" is going to offend me. It offends me that he thinks it is going to offend me!
So I don't know what he's up to, but I do plan to ask Mia or Charlotte step away from their busy schedules and snoop around Joseph's desk for me, since I can't really do it myself. I don't like him keeping secrets and taking advantage of my being blind. It's just not fair! I might call Charlotte now actually. Goodbye listening people!
