Why Sam Is Not A Frying Pan… *looks around nervously*… of DOOM!

Ahem. Yes. I'm normal. Anyway. Off that topic, because I'm sure that none of you came here to listen to me ramble on about how 'normal' I am. Which most of you would know that I'm not. Normal, that is…

YARRGH!

Okay. Ignore the above sentences, and just pretend that I'm normal. You are reading a completely normal person convince you of something completely normal.

Of course I'm sure that it is completely normal to think of Sam as a frying pan. In fact, on more than one occasions, I have wondered if Sam is actually a frying pan, myself. But, Sam and the frying pan... they may seem very alike when compared, but I (along with the help of faithful sidekick Green Eyed Lily's Daughter) have set out to prove this theory false, as we know that this common idea is actually a big misconception.

The basic physical differences between the two are very apparent; it would be very interesting indeed, to envision a not-very-normal, Hobbit sized frying pan accompany Frodo in his journey to destroy the one Ring.

With the help of my faithful sidekick, we have composed a list that describes your average frying pan.

-Can be used to fry tasty things, like bacon, eggs, tomatoes and (not so tastily) younger siblings' treasured possessions.

-Can be used as a weapon against aforementioned siblings when they find out that used the said frying pan to burn their "Mr. Marbles" into a crispy piece of fluff.

Whereas, the uses of Sam vary greatly to that of the frying pan.

- To be loyal to Mr. Frodo

- To follow Mr. Frodo around like a lovesick puppy

- To make sure that Mr. Frodo doesn't drown himself

- To act very over protective of Mr. Frodo

- To say evil things to Gollum behind Mr. Frodo's back

- To be a generally nice guy... but mainly to Mr. Frodo

- To be a very polite Hobbit, but only to Mr. Frodo

- To help Mr. Frodo avoid giant man eating spiders

- To name his first child after Mr. Frodo

- To never speak badly of/to Mr. Frodo. Because then he wouldn't be 'Mr. Frodo's Sam'

…And et cetera. Sam's life is very much centered about Mr. Frodo, who, likewise, welcomes Sam's company just as much. Now, if Frodo were to snuggle in his sleeping bag with a frying pan, it would seem very odd indeed. (In fact, if Frodo were to snuggle in his sleeping bag with Sam, it would also seem very odd indeed)

If Sam were to be a frying pan, then he'd have eggs for eyes, and a strip of bacon for a mouth. Which, though would look very interesting, would be otherwise disturbing, especially if Frodo was to get hungry…

Personality wise. Though Sam may not have much of a life besides the aforementioned uses, it is highly doubtful that the frying pan may have much of a life besides the aforementioned uses either. By process of elimination, since Sam has more and better uses than the frying pan, therefore the frying pan must the one with less personality, therefore less useful, therefore different to Sam, therefore, not Sam. It's a simple rule, but would anyone believe moi?

Perhaps the scene below will proceed to convince the more stubborn of my readers…

"Mordor. The one place in Middle Earth we don't want to see any closer. It's the one place we are trying to get to. It's just where we cant get. Let's face it Mr. Frodo. We're lost. I don't think Gandalf meant for us to come this way." Came a muffled sound from inside Frodo's backpack.

Frodo jumped and yelled in fright. "Sam! Didn't I tell you not to do that?"

"Sorry, Mr Frodo…"

An unpleasant stink suddenly wafted out from nowhere, kind of like when you walk too close to a rubbish bin that has a dead mouse in it rotting for days.

"What is that smell?" Frodo wondered, and looked around.

"Those thieves! Those filthy little thieves! Wheeere isssit? Wheeere isssit? They stole it from us. My preciousssss!"

Now alarmed, Frodo whipped Sam out from his backpack and held it in front of him in a protective stance. Sam liked it when Mr. Frodo held his handle; it gave him a sense of… security.

Gollum attacked.

KABANG!

So did Frodo.

"This is Sam. You've seen him before, haven't you, Gollum? Show us to the Black Gate, or I'll use him again."

"It stingssssss usssssssss! No more!" Gollum begged, as Frodo tied a makeshift leash around his neck, "I sssswear on the preciousss, I will lead you to Mordor… masssster…"

The eggs narrowed into a thin strip. Sam didn't trust Gollum. And the way that the creature said 'master'. He hoped that Mr. Frodo wouldn't trust Gollum. But as long as Gollum travels with them, then Mr. Frodo will be holding him in his hand. Which… could be considered as a sort of compensation, Sam supposed.

The strips of bacon slowly curved upwards. To always have Mr. Frodo gripping his handle tightly… not bad, Sam thought, not bad at all…

Though a little disturbing and suggestive (now you know why Sam named his first child 'Frodo'), I am sure that I have gotten the point across. Sam was not, is not, and will not be a frying pan (of DOOM). Ever.

Unless Gandalf gets pissed and changes him into 'something unnatural'. Then that would be Gandalf's fault, not mine.

~End

Disclaimer: Own nothing yadda yadda yadda.

AN: I'm sorry for the really late update, but I'm really thinking of abandoning ship… if you want just a couple more, then review and say so. If not… review and say so anyway…

P.S. Green Eyed Lily's Daughter is thanked (and to be held responsible) for the inspiration for many things (the points of the arguments, the idea for the short scene).