I think Joseph hates me. I don't blame him though, I haven't exactly been a good wife lately. I had spent three days straight lying in bed. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't bathe and I didn't even get up to go to the toilet. I was literally lying in my own filth. The smell was terrible, but I didn't care. I just wanted to suffer by myself. I had entered the stage of depression. It was Mia's wedding that triggered it off. I was sitting in the front row, listening to the music and the vows and it tore me up inside that I couldn't see what was going on. I had to get out of there, so I screamed at Joseph to take me home until he did so. Mia was upset because apparently it was all over the news and I ruined her special day.
Joseph was very concerned, because I wouldn't move or speak to him or anyone else and when he came to bed, he noticed the smell and the fact that the bed was wet and asked me how I was feeling. I told him that I was fine, which was a lie. He asked me if I would get up so he could change the sheets, but I refused to move. He tried lifting me off, but for some unknown reason, I kicked and screamed at him, so he dropped me and went to sleep in his den. I think he realised then that there was something seriously wrong with me. Who wouldn't have noticed?
The next morning he came in and smelt the stench. It was getting worse and worse.
"Clarisse, is something going on?"
I didn't say anything.
"Are you feeling okay?"
I still didn't say anything.
"Aren't you going to get up?"
I didn't want to, so I didn't. I had come to the realisation that my life was ruined. I was never going to see again, so what was the point of living? I would never be able to watch the sunrise or sunset, nor would I be able to see the lyrebirds nesting. All my life was doing was taking up valuable space and oxygen. I was totally useless.
"Alright, I'm going to call the doctor."
"Please don't, I just want to be left alone to die."
"Clarisse, just because you're blind, it doesn't mean you're going to die!"
"What would you know? You don't have to live like this!"
"No, but I do get the privilege of having to live with someone who has to live like this."
"Why don't you just go then? Move out! Then you won't have to live with me!"
"I can't because I made a commitment to stick by you in sickness and in health. And you seem pretty sick to me."
I knew he was right, but my head was just so mixed up. I suddenly felt him attempt to lift me up again.
"Come on, time to have a shower."
"GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE!"
"For Christ's sake, Clarisse, you are dirty and you smell! You need to have a shower."
"And you need to mind your own business. Can't you just let me suffer here alone?"
"Fine, but don't come crawling to me next time you need help."
He left the room I started to cry.
The next night, I was stripped down to my underwear and lifted out of bed. I didn't have the energy to cause a scene, so I allowed Joseph to take me into the bathroom and place me into the bathtub. The water felt really nice and warm. Joseph went out to the bedroom and I heard him muttering to himself as he ripped the sheets off the bed. That was when I slipped my head under the water and drifted off to sleep.
I was on a magical underwater adventure. There were pink fish everywhere and lots of bubbles and yellow seahorses and I touched them and they giggled and so did I. It was just like a fairytale, then I heard what sounded like Joseph yelling, "WAKE UP, DAMN YOU! WAKE UP!"
Then I felt my chest being pressed hard and Joseph's lips were on mine, blowing air into my mouth. I started coughing up water. That's when the dream ended and I realised that I was lying down on a tiled floor, otherwise known as our bathroom floor.
"Clarisse, are you alright? Are you okay? Answer me."
I rolled onto my side and started coughing some more.
"Clarisse? Can I get you something? Can I help you up? Please answer me."
I sat up and put my head in my hands, "You tried to drown me?"
"I didn't! I tried to help you! Clarisse, I really think you should see a doctor."
"I don't need to."
"Yes, you do. I've already called Dr. Morris and he said he's going to come around some time tomorrow morning. Now you are going to see him and you are going to listen to what he has to say and then you're going to answer all of his questions."
I stood up and said, "Alright, Joseph."
That was another lie. I didn't want to see a doctor. What would have been the point? He'd come here and tell me that I'm depressed and need some anti-depressant pills and then he'd leave and I'd feel even more depressed because we'd be down by 257 dollars.
Joseph helped put on a bathrobe, then led me to the kitchen and sat me down, "When was the last time you ate?"
I didn't want to tell him, so I just sat silently at the table. I was so weak I had to resort to slouching, because I was unable to sit properly.
"What do you want to eat?"
I kept silent.
"Fine, I'll make you something nice and quick."
Two minutes later, he put a sandwich down in front of me and sat down. I didn't touch it because I wasn't in the mood for eating, nor did I have the ability to actually lift my arm. Joseph started ripping off small pieces and placing them in my mouth. I started to cry again and he got up and put his arms around me. He kissed my forehead and lifted me up, then carried me into one of the spare rooms, because apparently our mattress and our room had become too bad to even walk into. He then went back to the kitchen to fetch me a glass of milk and some chocolates (my cheer-me-up food). They tasted good in my mouth and for one moment I actually felt better. Of course, it didn't last long. I thought about how the chocolate would be making me fatter, so I asked Joseph to take them away. It was nice to lie in a clean bed and it was doubly nice to be clean myself. I noticed that Joseph had put plastic over the mattress, which made sense to me, but I didn't actually plan to stay there all night.
When Joseph fell asleep, I got out of bed and picked up the telephone. I called for one of the palace limousines to come and pick me up and they said that they'd be there in 20 minutes. It only took them 18 minutes to actually get there, by which time I had packed a few things (including my tape recorder and a change of clothes) and I had somehow managed to make my way down the stairs and out the door. Then I stopped still. I couldn't go any further. I was getting weaker and weaker. I fell to my knees and then fell on my face. Next thing I knew, I was being woken up by the driver.
"Madam?" He said, shaking me lightly, "Are you alright?"
I opened my eyes and stared at him, "I…I'm…fine…would you please help me into the limousine?"
There was a large selection of wine bottles in the limousine and I couldn't help but sample them. I know it wasn't the right thing to do in my state, but I was so tired and thought that maybe if I drank a lot, I would pass out and get a good night's sleep. It was working quite well until the driver woke me up saying, "Madam, we've arrived at the palace, are you sure you're okay?"
I shooed him away and collapsed on the seat.
