Once again I have entered the stage of depression…will it ever end? I am so sick of feeling sad all of the time. It's all Joseph's fault…

Oh who am I kidding? It's all my fault! I drove him away! I told him never to come back! It was my fault!

I must admit I didn't think he'd actually leave, I thought he'd come back to the hospital and take me home and apologise to me and we'd make up, but that's not what happened at all.

After two days of being in the hospital, Mia (not Joseph, as I told her he'd gone on vacation) came to pick me up and she took me back home. Joseph wasn't there and Mia said the place looked empty. I noticed that he had taken all of his personal belonging and he left everything else as it was. I found his wedding ring on the bedside table along with a letter that was addressed to me. I was going to ask her to read it for me but I decided that I'd wait until my machine arrived in case it was personal. She asked me if I'd be fine by myself or if I wanted her to send someone from the palace over to help me or if I'd prefer to stay with her for a few days, but I said I was fine where I was. She made a pot of soup for me before she left and scooped some into a bowel. I said goodbye to her and listened to the car drive off. I then made my way back to the kitchen and sat down. That's when I lost it.

I was carefully sipping the soup that and the spoon I was using suddenly fell to the floor. I put my head in my hands and started crying once more. I don't really know for sure what the problem was, I guess I was just upset about the realisation that Joseph was never going to come back. I wouldn't blame him though, I haven't exactly been the best wife.

I stayed seated at the table for a very long time. I know this because I woke up sometime during the night and found that my head was soaked in soup. I got up, turned the table on its side and stormed upstairs to take a bath. I forcefully ripped off my clothes and tossed them aside, falling over in the process. I then grasped the tap handle and the water shot out and filled the tub in minutes. I pulled myself into the warm water and grabbed a bottle of wine, which was sitting on the bath side table. After about an hour or so I found myself singing…

"When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world

All by myself

All by myself

All by MYSELF!"

It turned into more of a horrible yelling medley towards the end. Exhaustedly, I collapsed into the water, only to emerge a second later. I knew I couldn't stay there all night with the water getting colder by the second, so I pulled out the plug and waited for it to drain while I dried myself off with a towel. I was able to get to sleep very quickly…well, the pills I took allowed me to get to sleep very quickly. Five, I think (I wasn't sure that they'd still work on account of my purchasing them after Philippe passed away).

I awoke in the morning and immediately knew where I was; in the hospital again! I've been in here so much lately, I might as well make it my permanent residence. That's what the nurse said anyway.

Charlotte explained to me that she came to the house early this morning because Mia asked her to, as she was worried about me. Apparently those five pills were very much out of date and I had to have my stomach pumped. The wine didn't help the situation either. I am now stuck in here once again with nothing to do. Charlotte brought all of my cassettes in, but there's only so much 'Little Women' one can handle and listening to Joseph's tape simply upsets me. I'm stuck in here for another two days or until I get back on my feet. I don't know why I keep letting myself get put back in here, I used to take very good care of my body. I'm beginning to think I should just end my life altogether, I'm sure nobody would miss me. Charlotte spends so much time in session with parliament these days, I haven't spoken to Pierre for months and Mia's too busy with being queen to spend time with her poor old sick grandmother. And Joseph…well you can forget about him ever coming to visit me. I haven't heard from him since I told him to leave the other day. He definitely wouldn't care if I passed on.

I have decided that in order for me to feel better and reclaim peace with myself, I am going to give up a few habits of mine. I am going to stop eating, drinking, sleeping, moving, bathing, socialising and breathing. I plan to just lay here until the angels come and take me up to heaven. After all, what's the point of living when you have nobody to love?


Okay, writing this is seriously almost making me cry. Review please!