Part 4 - Remembering

Marcus woke slowly.

It was some moments before his brain registered the fact that the surface he was lying on was considerably softer than his medical bed, and the covering felt like some kind of silk under his hand. The room was quieter too, the twittering of birds having replaced the bleeping of the med scanners. He inhaled deeply as he stirred; a mixture of jasmine and some expensive Centauri perfume were in the air. Only when he finally opened his eyes to a heavily embroidered canopy above him, did Marcus remember where he was.

"Susan?" His voice was louder than he had intended, especially when the soft reply came from just across the bed.

"I'm here Marcus."

He turned his head to see a figure sitting on the bed. The gloom within the hood she still wore meant that her face was just a shadow, but there was no mistaking who it was.

"Susan." He barely spoke her name. The vision that had flattened him with a punch had not just been a figment of his imagination. She was alive! She was breathing and talking just three feet away from him.

He had done it!

Let her be mad at him; batter him to a pulp; he didn't care. Her anger would be an angel's song to him. Joy and relief bubbled up, choking him with tears. For the first time in years; no, decades; he hadn't failed to save someone he loved.

He sat up and reached out to her, wanting to see her face and let himself be burnt by the fire of her eyes. But before his fingertips could brush the material of the hood, her hand gripped his wrist.

"No." The icy tone indicated that the order was final, "Don't look at me."

"But Susan…"

"Stephen is angry with you," She changed the subject. "He wants you back in the med facility."

"Stephen fusses too much." Marcus played along, trying to gauge the mood of the woman in front of him. "I'm not going back there."

"I persuaded him to let you stay here," Susan continued, "As long as you don't pull any more stupid stunts, like…"

Marcus' next comment died on his lips when he heard her voice falter. He waited for her to finish, but she didn't. When the grip on his wrist tightened and Susan's shoulders started to shake, he knew she was crying. Susan never cried, at least not in front of him. Whenever she had come close, she had always turned into the professional soldier, in command of the situation. Each time it happened, his heart had ached to watch her inner struggle, when all he had wanted was to hold her tight and let her frustrations be poured onto him.

The courage that he had always lacked before did not fail him now. He pulled Susan towards him and wrapped his arms around her thin body. The strength hidden within the small frame surprised Marcus as Susan fought against his embrace, but he only tightened his hold.

"Let go of me!" she tried to yell.

"No. Not this time. I'm not going to lose you again."

Susan struggled for a little longer before giving up the fight and slumping against him. She cried into his shoulder and Marcus let her, weeping himself at the unbelievable joy that the woman he loved was in his arms. He rocked her gently until all her tears were spent.

---

"Why did you do it?" Susan didn't lift her head when she eventually spoke and asked the inevitable question. Marcus continued to hold her as he contemplated his answer.

Should he tell her that he had witnessed her death a year before it had happened? That the time flash on Babylon four had showed him the wreckage crashing into the bridge of the Whitestar, and her broken body bleeding at his feet? That he had made a vow to never allow that to happen? That the reason he had wangled himself onto her Whitestar every opportunity he could was to ensure her survival?

Should he tell her that when his nightmare came true and he was helpless to stop it, his whole world had come crashing down? When he had held her still form in the lifepod, he had howled at the universe for its unfairness, pleading for their places to be reversed? That when the rescuers had arrived they had had to prise Susan from his arms?

Should he tell her that he couldn't stand by and watch another person that he loved die before him? That he couldn't fail again? That life without her in it would be empty?

He couldn't tell her that.

"I love you." It was the underlying truth in all his actions regarding Susan.

Marcus felt Susan sigh into his shoulder.

"You loved me then." She said.

"I love you now."

"You don't know me now." Her voice gained in strength. "I've changed."

"That punch you gave me tells me that your temper is still the same." Marcus chuckled.

Susan pulled back then and he didn't stop her. She had something to say.

"I'm sorry I hit you." She kept her head down, still hiding her face. "I shouldn't have done that. Will you forgive me?"

"Always." Marcus reached out for her hand, desperate for contact. When she didn't resist, his hopes lifted slightly that maybe things would work out.

"You once called me the most beautiful woman you'd seen."

Marcus nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Susan was finding this hard, he could tell.

"I'm not beautiful any more."

There it was. Her fear.

"I've grown old and ugly."

"Susan."

"No!" she snapped, "I don't want your sympathy."

"I'm not giving it." Marcus thought desperately, trying to phrase his next words so that she didn't get mad at him. "I didn't fall in love with just your beauty. I fell in love with your courage, strength and intelligence. You have the soul of a warrior. That cannot have changed."

He waited for Susan to think about that. She stayed still for a few moments, then slowly pulled back her hood and raised her face to him for the first time.

"Look at me then."

Marcus stared, drinking in every line and grey hair. Yes, she had grown old, but not as old as she would become. In her face were chiselled the years of experience, knowledge and care. She was still magnificent with a beauty that only age could bestow. He reached out a hand and tenderly traced a line by her eye. There was a story behind that line, behind all of them. The tales of her life written on her face, and Marcus wanted to hear every single one.

Then a tear fell as Susan began to cry once more. He brushed it away with his thumb and cupped her face with his hand. When she leaned into his touch, Marcus moved his face closer to hers, stopping only a breath away. There was no order to retreat, so daring as he had never done before, he closed the gap, gently placing the lightest of kisses on her lips.

He pulled back, his mouth buzzing from the briefest of contacts, and looked into her eyes.

The conversation they held then spoke more than a lifetime of talking. Silent messages sent and received by their gazes. Messages that told of love, and regrets, and hopes.

This time it was Susan who crossed the distance, twining her fingers into his hair and searching out his mouth with twenty-five years of unacknowledged love.

---

"Did you ever get married?" Marcus asked as he and Susan lay on the bed. A four poster bed! He still chuckled at the surrealness of a Centauri imperial bed on Minbar being slept in by Commander Ivanova, now head of the Rangers. But then Vir had always had a soft spot for Susan. Emperor Vir. That was going to take some getting used to.

Everything was going to take some getting used to.

When they had resumed talking, which was when his stomach had demanded food, Susan had begun filling him in on the major changes of the galaxy. She had not let Marcus off the bed for fear of him fainting, so they reclined Roman style with a tray between them. After the history lesson, the questions began. Now that the hardest questions of all had been asked and answered, the enquiries came thick and fast; until they returned to Susan. There was no ring on her finger, but that didn't mean that she wasn't married.

"No." Susan replied. "I've never married."

"Why?"

She took a breath before answering. "There isn't any one reason. I was a mess for five years after you…, you know." Marcus nodded. There was no need to talk of that again. Susan continued, "I wouldn't let anyone get close to me. Then I was in deep space for another five years. Being the captain of a starship is not the best situation for a relationship. After that, I suppose I got used to being single."

"I never meant for you to be alone." Marcus interrupted, "I wanted you to find someone who could make you happy, and for you to grow old surrounded by people who loved you."

"I wasn't alone." Susan reassured him, "Corwin is still one of my closest friends."

"But you never found that special someone."

"I don't know if I was afraid to lose anyone again, or that no one touched me in the same way you did."

"I'm sorry." Marcus apologised.

"Don't be." She was not going to let him feel guilty now. "I had Marie. Without her I doubt I would be here now. She is the greatest gift you could give me, next to your life, and for that I thank you."

Sometime during the exchange, their hands had sought each other out. Clasped together, Marcus lifted them and kissed the back of her hand. Susan repeated the gesture.

Marcus sniffed and brushed away the tears that threatened. "I congratulate you on what you've done with Marie," he tried to lighten the mood. "She has become a most remarkable woman."

"I wouldn't have said I did much. She is a Cole through and through." Susan giggled at a memory, "You know she disappeared from Medlab when Stephen first met her?"

"Must be a family trait." Marcus chuckled before turning serious again, "No. She is as much your daughter as she is mine. That speech she gave me in the garden was pure Ivanova." He could have sworn Susan blushed then. "She was the shyest of children," he continued, "Even at school she didn't have many friends. When I went to get her the last time, she was hiding behind a bookcase in the library."

"She hated that school. She was bullied."

Marcus half sat up, "Why didn't she tell me? I would have taken her out, rather than let her be unhappy."

"She loved you too much." Susan tried to explain, "You were having problems with the company and she didn't want to add to them."

"That didn't matter!" Marcus was becoming agitated, angry with himself for missing what should have been obvious. He would have never let her go back if she had asked not to. "I never wanted to let her go, but I thought it was the best thing for her. Every time she got on that shuttle at the end of the holidays it was harder for me to say good-bye. I nearly called her back once because I didn't want her to leave." A cold hand of dread grasped hold of him then as he remembered exactly when that was. "If I had, she would have been on Arisia when the Shadows attacked." That realisation numbed him to his core with the dreadful conclusion. "I would have lost her."

Susan's arms slipping around him brought Marcus back to the present. Her whispered reassurances and soft touches driving away the fear. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind as he lay back on the bed.

"I've missed so much," he admitted. "You've seen my little girl grow up, and for that I am envious."

"You're not going to miss any more of it though." That sounded like an order to Marcus. "You have two grandchildren to help raise." Was that a sparkle of mischief in Susan's eyes?

"Tell me of Marie Susan." He needed to know what kind of woman she had become; the experiences that had shaped her.

Susan looked unsure. "All of it?" she asked awkwardly. Marcus frowned. What did she mean?

"What happened?" he asked.

Susan couldn't meet his eyes.

"I nearly lost her," She whispered. "Twice."

The silence hung heavy between them before Susan turned to look at Marcus again.

"Can you forgive me?"

There was nothing to forgive. If it had been anyone other than the woman beside him, he was sure Marie would not have survived for this conversation to take place. He pulled Susan into his arms and kissed her as reassurance.

"Tell me everything." He murmured.

So she did. And he listened late into the night, imagining himself being there, witnessing his; no, their daughter, taking her rightful place among the heroes of history.

To be continued...