Disclaimer: Much to my despair, I do not own Hikaru no Go, and neither are the characters used with permission.


I'm so sorry I haven't been updating for such a long time. There were examinations then, after which I found myself having a serious writer's block. I guessed that was due to me losing touch of the fic and the pressure of living up to my usual standard. Anyway, hope that this chapter is able to connect with all of the previous ones. And here it is for you all
My Heart Within

VIII. Quiet Days


Out in the darkness, you are the light... Out in the coldness, you are the warmth...

You gave me all that I missed, and all that I needed to get up on...


I wished I could sleep forever, then maybe when I wake up, everything will be like what it used to be. Maybe everything would not have happened. Or maybe time would have at least numbed it all. This was what I thought.

But I was wrong.


I began losing track of things—memories, time, and even what I used to do. Sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, I would have to ask myself what I was doing, where I was and why... I felt as if I was losing myself...

I did not like this feeling, but I just couldn't help it. I had even tried forcing myself to remember things that I had forgotten, particularly one that I knew that was very important to me. I knew that the thing happened just weeks ago, and that it was something solemn, but I knew no more.

But why? Why was it that it was something serious and I can't remember it? Why was it an important thing and nobody else knew about it or told me about it? I thought over these questions repeatedly, as I tried recalling my lost memory. Nevertheless, whenever I was getting close upon recalling the incident, my head would ache badly, and I had no idea why it had been so.

Dad had to bring me to the doctor every single time when that happens. He told me that I would have to stop all my useless thoughts and relax myself, but those thoughts were of great importance, and definitely not useless. I had never tell Dad about it, just as similar to how he had never tell me what was wrong with me and whatever illness I was suffering from. Even so, I had never ask him regarding it, because I believed that what I need to know, he would tell me, and what he need to know, I would too, tell him...


The alarm screamed in my ears after what seemed like only an hour of short sleep. I sat up abruptly on my bed and rubbed my eyes. Having pulled the curtains on the previous night, the room was thus, dark. I strained my eye to look around and soon had them rested on a spot on my table. I couldn't understand why have I always do this when it was only an empty spot.

Maybe I'd been behaving strangely ever since that incident happened. Perhaps many things had changed since then. But what really happened?

I descended the stairs, after I'd dressed, into the hall where it was almost as dark as my room. I stood at the foot of the stairs and closed my eyes, my senses particularly alert.

Things really changed. What I feel, hear and smell then, everything was different from what I'd known. There was not a single sound made in the house as I stood still; there was no breeze or fragrance in the air—everything was still. I opened my eyes and took in every detail of the house that I could notice—things missing from their places, though I couldn't remember what they were; things which were important to me; things that belonged to...

I winced as my head suddenly sting painfully and thoughts rapidly disappeared. Having no idea how to relief the pain, I crept onto a chair and sunk down in it. Unknowingly, tears swam in my eyes, obscuring my vision. I felt weak, breathless. Deep within me, I knew I hated the feeling; I knew I wished the pain would go away... but apart from knowing this, what else could I do?


I made my way towards the main gate in the hours of school dismissal, dragging my tired feet and urging my aching body to move along. It was only moments ago did I entered the staff room because a teacher, named Ms. Minamoto, had called for me. She seemed to know me very well and was talking to me about my recent grades and whether I was facing any difficulties in studying. I knew I used to do well in most of my subjects, but everything had become strangers to me—I don't seem to understand them at all... Ms. Minamoto even asked me about my life at home, I had no idea what she was driving at, weren't everything just as it had always been?

Even so, I knew I was deceiving myself again, just this morning I had found out certain things that had been different, though I wasn't sure how different they were. I did not tell her about these, because I had thought it was meaningless...

Just as I reached the main gate, Kumiko came running to me, shouting, "Akari!"

I stopped in my tracks and waited as she panted for breath, having caught up with me after running for quite some distance. "Akari-aren't you coming to Go club anymore?" Kumiko asked pleadingly, though I was sure she was looking at me with concern.

"I'm sorry... I'm feeling extremely tired today..." I replied dreamily, feeling remorseful at the same time. I had not attended most of the Go practices after that thing happened—the one I tried recalling about.

"Akari, are you alright? You don't look too good..." Kumiko asked and for an instance, another voice rang in my ears, saying the same words. It was not happening then. It was a memory, but of whom was it?

Kumiko looked worried as I staggered while more giddiness overcame me. She quickly held me and said, "I think you'd better not go to the study group which you've been going these few days."

On hearing her words, I gasped, "I forgot all about it! Oh no..." Due to my falling grades, I had been returning home late these days in order to go to a study group formed by my classmates, just to catch up on what I've missed.

"I think it'll be okay if you don't go." said Kumiko. "I'll help you inform them about it. You really need a rest. You think you can make it home by yourself?" Kumiko eyed me anxiously and I promptly nodded my head. She seemed dubious and I added, "I can, really."

"Hmm, I sure hope you do. Akari, if you need help, just call me okay?" and adding in an undertone, she said, "Return to your normal self real soon okay?" She smiled at me and jogged off, shouting a "Bye" and waving as she soon disappeared from my vision.

I found myself pondering about what Kumiko had just said as I continued my way home. The more I thought about it, the more confusing everything seemed—the house was different, my grades were different, Kumiko meant I was different, but what really caused this difference? My head spun more as I was about to reach home. I reckoned it had been due to these futile thoughts.

I pushed back the gate and ascended the porch. After rummaging my bag for the key, I slid it into the keyhole and turned the doorknob, just as somebody called my name.

My head automatically turned to face the source of the sound and saw a stranger standing at the gate of the house. However, he did not seem to be a total stranger after all—I've met him before. Dressed in Haze High's uniform, a boy with blonde bangs, about my age, carried a haversack and was looking at me most intently.

It was a few moments before I had finally realised who I was looking at.

"Hikaru?" the word escaped my mouth without me really knowing it.

Hikaru stared at me for a while then he smiled, "Can I come in?"

But I wasn't really listening anymore. Something was stirring at the back of my mind. Something which he told me about... No, it wasn't... It was something which happened the last time I saw him... What was it...? What was it? Hospital? A bed? Was I crying? Why? Who was lying on the bed?

My vision swirled like the surface of disturbed water. Everything was then, misty...

"Akari!" I opened my eyes and saw Hikaru shaking me, his face no doubt a worried look. He seemed more relief as I came round. I noticed I had fallen right at the doorstep and Hikaru was holding me. He quickly helped me up and let go of me, frowning as he looked at me. "Akari, are you sick?"

I shook my head, "I think I'm just tired."

"Is it that simple?" Hikaru looked uncertainly. "Anyway, let's get into the house first."

He pushed back the door and carried my bag inside, "It's been so long since I've been here… Well, actually," he started as I closed the door and pulled back the curtains, revealing a sunny weather outside, "your dad told me that you've been having headaches. Is it true?" I nodded my head, feeling drowsier than I previously was.

"I think you'd better sit down." Hikaru said, "I'll get you a cup of water." And he left for the kitchen. I let my eyes followed him. He was definitely himself again, though he doesn't seem cheerful enough. I put my arms on the handle of the sofa and laid my head on it as my mind instantly drifted off.


I woke up to the dim evening light from the setting sun and felt my dizziness and headache subsided. I looked around and saw Hikaru's bag beside mine, both lying on another chair. I stood up quickly, wanting to look for him, but sat down again as the ground seemed to move.

Just then, the front door opened and Hikaru came in. "You're awake?" He said, having caught sight of me. "I went out to get some food, you know I've no idea how to cook..." he said as he scratched his head. "You okay?" He asked, laying down the food on the table, then peering at me closely. Being quite surprised, I withdrawn myself and nodded.

"That's good, because if not, I'm supposed to call your dad..." He turned away and went for his bag, "Where were you the previous few days? I've been meaning to visit you."

"Hikaru, even if I'm not well, I... please don't call my dad..." I knew clearly why I didn't want my father to know, because bringing me to the doctor would not help at all.

"Why?" said Hikaru, turning quickly to face me.

"He'd eventually bring me to the doctor, but I would still remain how I am now, and I won't even know what's wrong with me!" I said, slightly raising my voice.

Hikaru looked at me for a moment, his expression serious, then he turned back to his bag. "Akari, there's another reason why I've come here... I just want to thank you, for helping me get out from my misery last time. You made a difference for me to find myself... and find Sai... I... It was nice after talking to you then. And now, I hope I can make a difference because... because you seemed to have lose your way... you seemed... troubled..." and turning to me, he continued, "You get what I meant?"

I stared in puzzlement at him for a while, then he asked, "You know why you're having these headaches, right? There must be tons of questions formed in you head since few weeks ago, but you've never dare asked anyone, isn't it so?"

I then knew what he was talking about—I knew the reasons to my headaches; I had questions about what happened weeks ago, questions I thought people would answer before me asking them.

"So, why don't you ask me right now?" he said as if reading my mind.

"Hikaru..." my mind was racing through the memories again, and something was actually forming from them—the bed in the hospital ward, who was I crying for... why can't I remember... "Who died? Just weeks ago, what happened...? Why can't I remember...?"

Hikaru, having crouched near his bag for a long time, finally sat down. "You can't remember?... Just weeks ago, someone very important in your life—can't you remember? Try recalling..."

It was a wonder why my head did not ache as much as it usually did as I searched my brain for the answer. Maybe it was Hikaru's presence that made the difference...

Images soon flashed through my mind, as if a show replaying itself. Somebody was lying on the bed in the hospital ward, somebody... a female... somebody important to me...

Somehow, the same feelings I felt in that memory was returning once more, the same feeling of loss; the same sadness. As I thought harder, tears began welling up in my eyes while the person's face became clearer. I had no idea why I was reacting like this, perhaps not until I realised who it was...

I remembered the smiles she wore; the hugs she gave me; the way she had encouraged me; the times I needed her and she was always around... But now, why isn't she around when I needed her most badly. Mum... where are you?

Hikaru had already stood up and was looking rather horrified at my teary face, "Akari...?" He sat down beside me and after a while, patted me on the shoulders and said, "You realised who it was, right? You must've been searching for her all this while..."

I couldn't control myself as tears flow irresistibly down my cheeks and I sobbed through my tears, "Why did she leave me? Where had she gone to?"

"Akari..." and Hikaru breathed in deeply, and smiling sadly, he spoke, "you know, we've got similarities in some ways... While I look for Sai, you now look for you mum..." he paused before going on, "Look, she died in a car accident and that's a fact. Life and death—it's something that nobody can run away from, it's something that's been happening for years, decades and centuries. But there's something you have to know... even if she'd passed away, she's always in our hearts, always... and that's where you'll find her… just as I found Sai within my Go..." and Hikaru gazed at his hands for a long time while I thought about what he said.

He suddenly spun around and said, "Remember what you told me? That I've lost my happy self? You lost your cheerfulness too... And remember what your mum said? 'Be bright and cheery forever', isn't that just your name? Isn't that what you used to be?"

Mum... The many things she told me while she was around had suddenly resurfaced in my mind, what I had promised her—to stay strong forever, isn't that just what I should be...?

I closed my weary eyes but the tears still flowed uncontrollably. Mum, are you watching over me from somewhere far above right now? Are you disappointed that I had broken my promise?... I won't be like this ever again... But for now, I just feel like crying; I want all my sadness to leave me... And I'm sure you'll support me...

I rested my head on Hikaru's shoulders and cried for a long time. It was warm, somehow, and that feeling reminded me of Mum. I felt two warm hands holding onto my shoulders—the same hands which held me during the day Mum left me—giving me strength.

Mum? Are you watching over me right now...? I'll be strong from now, I promised...


How was this chapter? Did it sound weird and nonsensical, or maybe even confusing? Hmm... This chapter had been the most tedious chapter I've experienced so far for fanfic. I do hope I would receive reviews from all who had spared the time to read this story. I'm currently working on the next chapter, and it should be up real soon. See you then! Till the next time